Blue Lasermail/deleted

Lemmy's new product goes berserk. Is this the end of Blue Laser? (No.)

Cast (in order of appearance): Blue Laser, Lemmy, Deleter 5000, Redd, Gunhaver, Silent Rip, Ripberger, Fightgar

Places: Computer Room, Living Room, Redd's Room, Nana's Backyard

Computer: Blasty 987

Date: Saturday, April 10th, 2010

Page Title: The newest in Blasty-compatible accessories!!

Transcript

BLUE LASER: {singing} Maybe, it's not too laAAate to learn how to email, and forget how to snaAAailmail! {brings up an email}

Dear Blue Laser,

Who develops your technology? It all looks so awesome. Did you ever have stuff that didn't work, and how did you deal with the people responsible?

-Crowbar

{Blue Laser stretches out the "so" for a moment.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} Well, Crowman, my technology is developed by the one guy in this neighborhood that knows a thing about electronics. That's right, Lemmy. And your next question is pretty much invalid, since Lemmy's stuff never malfunctions! I mean sure, there was that toaster that stopped working. But Lemmy fixed that right up-

{Cut to a kitchen counter. There is a toaster there, flaming.}

BLUE LASER: -with a little gasoline and a matchbox.

{Cut back to the computer.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} Now it toasts better than ever! Which reminds me, Lemmy's supposed to show up today to show me his newest product. In fact, I think he may be here now!

{Cut to a full view of the computer room. Blue Laser turns to his left quickly, but no one is there.}

BLUE LASER: Dang! I thought for sure I heard him come in!

{Pan right. Lemmy is there on the other side of the desk, holding a large brown bag.}

LEMMY: Hey, Blue!

BLUE LASER: {turns to Lemmy} Ahh! How did you get over there!? The door's not even on that side of the room!

LEMMY: That doesn't matter right now! What does matter is that you're about to be blown away!

{Lemmy pulls the bag away, revealing a robot consisting of a screen, arms, and a hovering device. Lemmy then grabs a remote and turns on the robot, which begins hovering. A face appears on it's screen.}

LEMMY: Presenting the Deleter 5000!

{Cut to a close-up of the robot. The background fades to yellow.}

LEMMY: {voiceover} The Deleter 5000 deletes all manner of spam, junk, and Harry emails {the word "Spam!" appears in the top right corner.} with an amazing no money back guarantee. {"No money back!" appears in the top left corner.} Simply let him at your computer and your inbox will be purified in no time! All this can be yours for the low price of fifteen undesirable payments! {"Fifteen undesirable payments!" appears and flashes at the bottom.} Order now!

{The background returns to normal. Cut back to a full view of the room.}

BLUE LASER: {amazed} Do you take Tyrantcard?

LEMMY: Along with cash, check, and newborn babies! Ehrm, no need to give me your credit card info. I keep it stored in my, ahem, depository for, ahem, safe-keeping.

BLUE LASER: Oh. That's a... convenient met-

LEMMY: {interrupting} Yeah! Convenient! That's a word for it! If you have any troubles, you know my number! See ya!

{Lemmy takes off.}

BLUE LASER: {turning to the robot} Uh, so you just go on and start deleting. I'll be in the other room.

{Blue Laser walks off. The robot moves toward the computer. Cut to a black screen reading "Fifteen minutes later." Then cut to the living room, where Blue Laser is watching TV.}

TUCKSWORTH: {on TV} You can't build a petting zoo, Caleb!

CALEB: {on TV} I can now!

BLUE LASER: You tell 'em, Caleb! Build that zoo! Build it!

{Cut to a back-view of the Blasty 987. The Deleter 5000 is at the computer.}

DELETER 5000: "Lazor" is not a word. Perhaps you meant "Lazar." Deleted.

{The robot presses a button on the keyboard, sounding the Deleted buzzer. Cut to the Blasty's screen. It reads:}

0 emails remaining, loser.

DELETER 5000: Zero spam remaining here. Must find more.

{The Deleter leaves. Cut back to the living room.}

CALEB: {on TV} I sure did.

BLUE LASER: Oh, you are a riot, Caleb! Bwahaha!

{The Deleter enters.}

BLUE LASER: {turning to the robot} Oh, Deletebot. What are you doing here?

DELETER 5000: "Deletebot" is not a word. Perhaps you meant "Deleterious."

{The Deleter fires a laser at Blue Laser, who jumps out of the way.}

BLUE LASER: What the crap what that?

TV: We'll be right back with Caleb Rentpayer after these messages.

DELETER 5000: "Rentpayer" is not a word. Perhaps you meant "Repayment."

{The robot fires a laser at the TV, destroying it. Blue Laser screams and runs off. The Deleter follows closely.}

DELETER 5000: "Aaah" is not a word. Perhaps you me-

{Cut to Redd's room. Redd is shifting through his dresser.}

REDD: So if I rearrange the blog archives to make room for my medieval-

{Blue Laser runs in.}

BLUE LASER: Quick, Redd! There's an evil robot bent on our destruction!

REDD: What are you rambling on about?

BLUE LASER: Lemmy made this robot to delete junk mail and now it's trying to kill me!

REDD: Blue, worry about your stupid schemes somewhere else. I've got a lot to do today and I'm not letting you mess it up with your "Deletebot" garbage.

{The Deleter enters.}

DELETER 5000: "Deletebot" is not a word.

{The robot fires a laser at Redd, who jumps out of the way.}

REDD: Run for it!

{Redd and Blue Laser run into Redd's closet, locking the door. Cut to inside the closet.}

DELETER 5000: {from outside} Perhaps you meant...

BLUE LASER: What are we gonna do!?

REDD: Okay, let's stay calm. You say you got this thing from Lemmy? I'll just call him up and have him come turn that robot off.

BLUE LASER: Good plan! You have one of those portable phones, right?

{Redd grabs his cell-phone and dials a number.}

LEMMY: {over the phone} What can I do for ya?

BLUE LASER: {grabs the phone} I'll take over. {cheerfully} Lemmy? This is Blue Laser. It seems your robot has gone crazy and is trying to kill us. So if you could just come over here and {shouting angrily} GET THIS THING AWAY FROM US, {cheerful again} that'd be swell.

LEMMY: {over the phone} A'right, Blue, here's what you're gonna wanna do.

BLUE LASER: {shouting angrily} I'm not gonna wanna do anything! You're gonna wanna come and fix this mess before I bomb your store!

LEMMY: {over the phone} I'll get right on that.

{Cut to Redd's room. The robot is still there. Lemmy enters.}

LEMMY: Alright, robot. Your comin' with me.

DELETER 5000: "Comin'" is not a word. Perhaps you meant "Colin."

{The Deleter fires a laser at Lemmy, who dodges. Lemmy run past him, into the closet. Cut to inside the closet.}

BLUE LASER: Hey, I thought we locked this door.

REDD: Yeah. This lock hasn't worked in year.

BLUE LASER: {sarcastically} Well, that's good to know.

LEMMY: Hey, nice little hideout you guys got back here.

BLUE LASER: Oh, I should have known this would happen! All your working stuff is made out of Frankenberry boxes and used dish washer detergent! You make something out of legit parts and it goes insane!

REDD: In his defense, all that other stuff doesn't work either.

BLUE LASER: Does so!
LEMMY: {simultaneously} It does!

REDD: Don't you have some way to turn that robot off?

LEMMY: Oh! The remote! I'll try that!

{Lemmy opens the closet a bit and sticks out the remote.}

LEMMY: Come 'ere, Deleter!

DELETER 5000: "'ere" is not a word.

{The Deleter fires a laser, destroying the remote. Lemmy jumps back into the closet.}

REDD: This confirms my theory that you two are some of the most illiterate people in the world.

BLUE LASER: I know, we'll call my minions! I trained them to get through situations like this!

{Blue Laser dials a number on the phone. Cut to Nana's backyard. Two minions are there, and a phone is sitting on the Blue Laser Supercomputer. It begins ringing. One minion walks toward the phone.}

BLUE LASER MINION 1: I should get this.

BLUE LASER MINION 2: Wait, didn't the commander take away our phone privileges?

BLUE LASER MINION 1: Oh yeah. Better ignore it.

{Cut back to the closet. Blue Laser is still waiting for someone to answer the phone.}

BLUE LASER: C'mon, minions. I don't have all day. ARGH! They never answer me when I call them!

{Blue Laser tosses the phone at the wall. The phone breaks in half.}

REDD: Nice goin', Blue.

LEMMY: This leaves us with two options. Option one is to sit here all day until the robot thinks of opening the door and we all die. Option two is to {shouting} run like th' wind!

{Blue Laser and Lemmy take off, leaving Redd behind.}

REDD: I.. was gonna go for option one.

{Cut to Blue Laser and Lemmy being chased through various rooms by the Deleter. They eventually end up in the computer room, where they run to a dead-end.}

BLUE LASER: Ahhh! A dead end!

{The Deleter catches up with the two, cornering them.}

BLUE LASER: Lemmy, if we somehow make it out of this, I want my money back.

LEMMY: No can do, Blue. I already invested it.

BLUE LASER: In what?

LEMMY: A hot tub, but that doesn't matter right now.

DELETER 5000: Deleted! Deleted! De-

{Pan left. Glass breaking is heard, and the Cheat Commandos (Gunhaver, Silent Rip, Fightgar, and Ripberger) fall through the ceiling. The Deleter turns to them.}

GUNHAVER: Delete this!

{The Cheat Commandos fire at the robot mercilessly. He falls, steaming.}

DELETER 5000: De...let...ed.

{The robot's screen goes black.}

BLUE LASER: Wha-the-ble-huh!?

{Redd enters}

REDD: Thanks, guys.

GUNHAVER: No problem, Redd!

BLUE LASER: What the crap is going on here!?

GUNHAVER: We just saved you! Haha! Bet that makes you rethink your next evil plan!

BLUE LASER: Saved me? Haha, no. I totally had this handled. All you did was break my dang skylight.

GUNHAVER: What?

{Pan left. An army of Blue Laser Minions is there, pointing their guns at the Cheat Commandos.}

BLUE LASER MINION: There are Cheat Commandos in your computer room, sir.

BLUE LASER: Fire at will!

GUNHAVER: Crap! Ripberger, hit us with one of those smoke techniques!

{Ripberger tosses down a smoke bomb. When the smoke fades, the Cheat Commandos are gone. Blue Laser stares at the spot for a moment.}

BLUE LASER: Why can't any of you minions do that?

{Cut back to the Blasty.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} So you see, Crow's Nest? The Cheat Commandos are still goodie-two-shoes vandals. That was your question, right? Right!? I thought so. Now, I'm gonna go talk to Lemmy about his return policy. And also his bombing policy. Mostly the latter.

{Blue Laser leaves. The Laserjet Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

• At the end, click on "question" to see an exchange between Redd and Blue in the computer room.

REDD: So, this is your big tenth email, huh? And plans to celebrate?
BLUE LASER: Big tenth? Who celebrates tenths? That's like saying "Oh boy! If I answer ten times as many of these things, I'll reach a non-crappy landmark!"
REDD: Well, you could at least include an easter egg or something referencing the fact.
BLUE LASER: I guess that's reasonable.

• At the end, click on "bombing policy" to see the Deleter 5000's action figure. Its features are:
  
  • Synthesized Voice!
    
  • Grammar Laser!
    
  • Metal Screen!
    
  • Frankenberry Boxes!

Fun Facts

• Blue Laser's intro song is a reference to the song Crazy Train.
• The Deleter 5000's mention of "Lazor" not being a word is a reference to trademarked.
• Blue Laser mentions Lemmy's products being made of Frankenberry boxes.