(even if you aren't vegan)
Wiki TV/Badstar
{Open: A black screen. Words appear that say "5 months ago, a film maker namend Dave Unordka went missing in the Gekian mountains in search of the Red-footed Nerdback. This footage was found."}
{Cut: Dave is in front of a cave on top of a tall mountain}
DAVE: Hello. I am Dave Unordka and I am here at the Gekian mountains in search of the legendary nerdback. This is said to be his lair. Lets venture in, shall we?
{Static. Cut: Dave is wandering through a dark cave.}
DAVE: Okay, so here we- ...whats this? {Picks up... a retainer} Oh, gross! {Tosses retainer over shoulder. Hears snorting} That could be the sound of the Nerdback! Lets go film this magical, beautiful, creature! {Walks deeper into the cave. Stops. Sees a hairy gorrila/man type creature} Oh my god... there it is! Its so magical! So mythical! So-
{The creature stands up and turns around to reveal its face. Its wearing glasses and has a lot of acne}
NERDBACK: Salutations, visitor! {Snort}
DAVE: ...O-oh... oh god.
NERDBACK: I don't get many visitors! Come on! I'll give you a tour!
{Static. Cut: The Nerdback's room}
NERDBACK: Heres my room! Isn't it great? What do you think of my comic collection?
DAVE: Um... very nice... {Reaches to touch the collection}
NERDBACK: {Starts hyper-ventilating} THOSE ARE IN MINT CONDITION!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU LAID A SINGLE HAND ON THOSE!?
DAVE: GYAH! S-sorry!
NERDBACK: Now come take a look at my action figures!
DAVE: ...Er, very nice do-
NERDBACK: ACTION FIGURES YOU MORON!!! ...Now lets play Dungeons And Dragons! I call mage!
{An hour later...}
NERDBACK: I WIN!!! HAHA, LOSER! {Snort}
DAVE: Yeah, I'm just gonna go no-
NERDBACK: NOOOOOO!!! WE MUST WATCH THE ALL EPISODE MARATHON OF STAR TREK
{Two days later}
{Dave is now a skull nothing more.}
NERDBACK: I always lose friends that way...
{Static. End of tape.}
I know these sound contradictory, but it's too long and the pacing is too fast. Try to focus on a shorter segment, but flesh it out more. You don't even need the intro, it could be
ANNOUNCER: Dave has been lured into a cave with promise of tasty snacks! Instead, he only found the legendary NERDBACK! Can he escape his giant, cheeto-stained grasp like those before him have?
Other than those two INCREDIBLY LARGE problems, it's pretty good. Just rewrite it, and you'll likely get right in. — ChwokaTalk
I can understand how my comments can be misinterpreted, but I wasn't suggestion cutting things out and adding things, I was suggesting starting from scratch with nothing but the idea. — ChwokaTalk
- I don't think anybody is going to get into this, seeing as how most of the old writers WERE second gens that went MIA.
They call me Big T BLOOD 03:23, 8 March 2009 (UTC)
The pacing is faster than before, and you tried to cram too much stuff in. However, seeing as everything else is quite fine, I tyhink I'll hire you as long as you avoid these mistakes in the future. — ChwokaTalk
