Conshow/74

Summary

Clarice intends to hold Conchris and pals for hostage, offering the mayor of Reedsen a very expensive ransom. Meanwhile, Clark decides to take matters into his own hands and goes out in search of minions that would follow his every command.

Transcript

{Intro}

{Open: Ominous Fortress - Dining Room, Conchris and friends are tied to chairs around the table}

CONCHRIS: Y'know, when I heard the words tea and party, this isn't exactly what I was expecting.

CLARICE: Maybe you should probably think twice before accepting a nice lady's invitation to a tea party in her OMINOUS FORTRESS OF OMINOUSITY! {poses in an exaggeratedly evil manner}

{beat}

CONCHRIS: ...that's not what I was on about. I was more on about the ropes? I didn't know you were in bonda--

{Clarice pulls a lever and Conchris, chair and all, disappears.}

CONCHRIS: WAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

{Beat}

CLARICE: ...anyone else want to question my motives?

JAKE: Uh, yeah. I'd like to question you. {disappears under the table for a moment before coming back up with glasses and a sheet of paper} First of all, I'd like to know... why'd you invite us to a tea party in the first place if the first thing you do was kidnap us?

CLARICE: Do you really think I'm going to answer that?

JAKE: Well... I was kind of hoping that you wo--

CLARICE: To hold you guys for ransom! {pulls out a remote, pointed to a screen, as she presses it, several pictures are seen (in order): The logo for Reedsen Network, Conshow's logo, a picture of Jake asleep on the couch, the world with $$$ signs above it, and a picture of Clarice's face mid-evil laughter} Because you guys somehow manage to save the day whenever evil is afoot, I've decided to capture you guys and use you to extort money from the government itself! Without any proper funding, the network will have to shut down and you will be unemployed! Again! And then I'll take over the world by buying out each and every country with my hard earned gains, and it shall be GLORIOUS! Wahahahahahahaha!

JAKE: Uh... huh... except you're missing one fatal thing...

CLARICE: And dare I ask, what, dear not-minion?

JAKE: Well... you see, we're not the most popular show on the netw--

{Clarice pulls the lever and Jake disappears in the same manner as Conchris}

CLARICE: Any other stupid questions?

KATIE: Is Jake and Conches going to be ok--

{Katie disappears... just like the other two before her}

CLARICE: Right... now off to the studio! I've got demands to make!

HENCHMAN: Yes, ma'am!

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is hunched over the counter, looking lost in thought}

CLARK: {sighs} Where did I go wrong? Was it because I wasn't trying to kill them hard enough? Or is it because this show is poorly written? {shrugs} Probably the latter. {sighs}