(even if you aren't vegan)
Difference between revisions of "RiffText/RTOD/Bling Emails/DND"
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Latest revision as of 16:53, 10 August 2016
WARNING:IF YOU ARE JEWISH, THIS MAY OFFEND YOU
LIGHTNING GUY: Jewish people are too busy running our companies to notice this stuff.NOXIGAR: Lightning Guy is too much of an anti-Semite for me to recognize anything he says as funny.You'll be fine.
Summary
- Intro:(failed) Iron Man parody
- Cast:Grundy, 1-Up, Bling, Gregory Isaac Bronzman(DnD Greg), DnD Greg's mom(Avigail Bronzman), Anti-Bling/Ezekiel...
- Places:Bling's Computer Room, DnD Greg's house
Transcript
{Grundy crams a roll of bread down 1-up's throat}
1-UP:{distorted voice} I AM EMAIL MAAAAAN.
LIGHTNING GUY: You just look like a freak with a roll of bread in your throat to me.
{Grundy plays some distorted chords. 1-up coughs up the bread. Bling walks in}
ALL: Has he d'leted email? Can he check or can't he type?
1-UP: Can he type at all? Or if he checks will he fail?
LIGHTNING GUY: He will.
GRUNDY: Is he typing at all-
{the music dies down}
GRUNDY: Y'know what? I can't do this. It's just repeating everything to the tune of "Iron Man".
BLING: Yeah, this sucks. Someone fire the script writer.
LIGHTNING GUY: Someone actually writes this crap?NOXIGAR: Yes. Someone does, in fact, write this "crap."
{The Cheat walks off grumbling to himself}
subject: rpgDear Buh-ling,
Have you ever played any role-playing games with friends, like Dungeons and Dragons?
- Sketchstar Scribble
BLING: AAH! THAT REMINDS ME! WHAT DAY IS IT?
LIGHTNING GUY: SCREAM LIKE AN IDIOT DAY!
GRUNDY: Thursday-OH FRAG!
1-UP: QUICK! GRUNDY, YOU GET THE COMPUTER! BLING! DO A MEANINGLESS VOICEOVER EXPLAINING THIS! I'LL GET THE CAR READY! {runs off}
{Grundy grabs the computer and him and Bling run off.
LIGHTNING GUY: Grundy grabs the computer and him runs off.
Cut to outside the house. 1-up turns the car on. Bling and Grundy run outside and get in the car. 1-up drives off. Cut to a driving montage}
BLING:{voiceover} You see, every Thursday, me, 1-up, Grundy, and Anti-Bling go over to DnD Greg's, or, Greg Bronzman's house to play DnD.
LIGHTNING GUY: oh i get it nowNOXIGAR: I can't trust that you understand.
No idea where Anti-Bling is, though.
{cut to DnD Greg's house. 1-up drives up. The three get out of the car. DnD Greg opens the door}
DND GREG: Hey, you made it! {looks around} Say, any idea where Anti-Bling is?
GRUNDY: We thought he was already here.
DND GREG: Hmm. Well, he isn't. Maybe we'll have a better chance of winning now.
1-UP: Yeah.
LIGHTNING GUY: The action never stops.
BLING:{voiceover} Well, Anti-Bling is a DnD MASTER. We rarely beat him!
{the four go inside the house. Cut to a Dungeon-styled basement. There are fake skeletons hanging from chains on the walls. A coffee table is styled to look like it rose out of the ground}
BLING: Wow. You styled it to look like were in medieval times.
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh. I thought he styled it to look like were in the 1980s.
DND GREG: Yeah. Do you like it?
GRUNDY: Like it? THIS IS AWESOME, GREG!
GREG: Thanks.
{Greg's mom, Avigail Bronzman,
LIGHTNING GUY: Specifics are important.
opens the door}
AVIGAIL: Greggie, there's another friend of yours here!
GREG: MO-OM! I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME DARK KNIGHT GREGORY WHEN I'M PLAYING!
LIGHTNING GUY: "Don't you take that tone of voice with me, young man!"
BLING: Wait, friend?
LIGHTNING GUY: He obviously doesn't have any friends.
GREG: Oh crap.
{Anti-Bling walks in}
GRUNDY: AARGH! HE'S HERE!
ANTI-BLING: Hehe.
LIGHTNING GUY: Sheshe.
Prepare to be humiliated, guys.
AVIGAIL: Have fun! {walks away, closes the door}
BLING: {sighs} Hey, Anti-Bling.
ANTI-BLING: Please. Call me
LIGHTNING GUY: Ishmael.
Ezekiel.
LIGHTNING GUY: Close enough.NOXIGAR: No, they aren't.
GRUNDY:{eye twitches} MY GOD, IS EVERYONE HERE JEWISH?!!!
{Ezekiel and Greg stare angrily at Grundy. Bling starts crying}
BLING: I'm Jewish too, you {long bleep}
LIGHTNING GUY: You sound like a God-fearing man.
{everyone stares at Bling surprised}
BLING:{now angry, demonic voice} Prepare to be defeated VEEERY EARRLY.
GRUNDY:{scared} Eep.
LIGHTNING GUY: He's scared of a bell with ears.
{cut to a 3-D Runescape-like dungeon. Five odd-looking humans are there. one has a yellow shirt with red boots(Grundy/Poultrosien). Another is wearing an orange cloak(Bling/Bronze Beat). Another is wearing a red cloak with a star on it(1-up/Puddeman). Another is a horned inverted form of the orange-cloaked one(Ezekiel/Sapphire Bomb). And the last one is wearing a pitch-black suit of armor(Greg/Dark Knight Gregory)}
PUDDEMAN: Okay, let's-
{a Panda-like dragon crushes Puddeman.
LIGHTNING GUY: How unexpected.
A Stinkoman-like dragon (Dragonguy)flies in}
DRAGONGUY: HAHAHA! PANDRAGON CAN'T FLY! HAHAHA! HE CRUSHED YOU! HAHAHA! HE'S A GOOD DRAGON!
LIGHTNING GUY: How totally unexpected.
SAPPHIRE BOMB: BB, you get Poultrosien. I got Dragonguy.
BRONZE BEAT: Got it. {pulls out sword, charges at Poultrosien}
{Sapphire Bomb pulls out a water capsule, ands
LIGHTNING GUY: Bes careful.
forces it down Dragonguy's throat, extinguishing it}
DRAGONGUY: IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? {pulls out a case of capsules labeled "Power Crunches", eats a capsule}
SAPPHIRE BOMB: Heh. {pulls a piece of paper off the box. The label NOW reads "Poison Power Crunches}
DRAGONGUY: Oh. F-
LIGHTNING GUY: -unny.
{dies}
BRONZE BEAT: DIE, YOU HEBREWPHOBIC
LIGHTNING GUY: Maybe we'd respect you more if you didn't call us things like "hebrewphobic".
FREAK!!!! {stabs katanas into Poultrosien's chest, dissapars. reappears in orange ninja garb, throws some shuriken into the back of Poultrosien's head}
POULTROSIEN: I... hate... you-{dies}
BRONZE BEAT: I killed him, Sapphire Bo-{kills over}
DKG:{pulls lance out of BB's back} Haha. You let your guard down.
LIGHTNING GUY: First rule of DnD: Trust no one.NOXIGAR: First rule of Paranoia: Trust every one, to where it becomes not trusting anyone.
{back explodes with shiny blue blood (sapphire chrystals)} Uhh-{dies}
LIGHTNING GUY: FIRST RULE OF FREAKING DND!NOXIGAR: That isn't the actual first rule.
SAPPHIRE BOMB: So did you. Wait... {looks behind him. Pandragon is wearing Puddeman's cloak (Pandrapuddu)} You weirdo. You fused with Puddeman! Hmph. {throws some pudding on Pandrapuddu's tail}
PANDRAPUDDU: Ooh! {eats self out of existence}
LIGHTNING GUY: Instead of just his tail, for some reason.
SAPPHIRE BOMB: Heh. I win again.
{cut back to the basement}
SAPPHIRE BOMB: Hehehe.
LIGHTNING GUY: Theytheythey.
{Bling is happy. all the others are grumbling to themselves.
LIGHTNING GUY: But Bling lost, too. He was stabbed by a basement dweller. I wouldn't be too jolly if that happened to me.NOXIGAR: Being stabbed by a basement dweller insinuates you get out at all.
Cut back to the computer room}
BLING:{typing} Yeah, I know that's not real DnD. BUT, that's how WE play.
LIGHTNING GUY: Loser gets the egg!NOXIGAR: You already have the egg.
{the paper comes down}
