Difference between revisions of "RiffText/Comp/4"

Revision as of 11:44, 3 December 2015

Comp Part 4

(Red is sat at his computer, playing a generic FPS. It is the dead of night. He sips on his drink and then shouts down the microphone)

Red: You gotta gank 'em. Gank. Gank them goddamnit or we're toast. Get your gank game- piss. We're toast now. Your ganking quota was not sufficient and where are we now? Toastville.

(A notification pops up on Reds monitor.)

Red: One moment.

(Red looks at the notification)

Red: Ah, jeez, this is bad news! I gotta go! Remember to gank!

(Red violently turns his computer off, grabs a hat and coat and runs out the door! Into a phone booth)

Red: Gotta call Cleo! Ah, geez, my arms aren't strong enough to dial these three-dimensional buttons! Smart phones have ruined my ability to press anything with weight down! I'll just have to pretend its a keyboard, and I'm sassing tryhards!

(Red dials Cleo, who picks up)

Cleo: Who is this

Red: It's your friend, Red!

Cleo: Real talk, dude, we know eachother basically only because you visit out breakfast shop everyday, we're not exactly friends-

Red: I need your help! It's urgent!

Cleo: Okay, what's the issue?

Red: It's Adrian! It's his birthday! He's a whole year bigger than he was this time last year, it's the date of...of his birth and shit!

Cleo: I know Adrian about as well as I know you, how can I help?

Red: You're his friend! You're our friend! We gotta throw a party we gotta get presents!

Cleo: For...for Adrian?

Red: No for my dad-YES FOR ADRIAN

Cleo: Geez don't give me the third degree, I haven't even agreed to help yet!

Red: I gotta give you the third degree, because any less degrees and we wouldn't be able to get a job in todays competitive economic climate!

Cleo: Okay, fine, just let's wait until morning and I'll meet with you then.

Red: We gotta do it now, there's no time, he'll be up any minute!

Cleo: Will he? I assume his sleep schedule's not too awful

Red: It's not but I might be waking him up any minute!

Cleo: Why?

Red: I'm just like that! Waking people up is my passion! I'm like the living embodiment of caffeine, or a swift kick in the vag!

Cleo: I guess that would wake someone up. Alright, I'll come find you.

(Some time passes. Cleo walks up to Red, who is still in a phone box)

Cleo: Why are you in this phone box

Red: In case it rains and I need shelter.

Cleo: Right, but it's not raining at all, you'll be fine-

Red: You can never be too sure, Cleo, the weather is an unpredictable and wild beast.

Cleo: Okay, whatever. So, any ideas for his birthday?

Red: I sure do. Just let me get out my list of ideas. "Surgically implanted gills."

Cleo: Nice in theory, but I think it's a little physically impossible.

Red: Okay, idea 2 - "Best hits of R-Kelly"

Cleo: Does he like R-Kelly?

Red: No, but he needs a K to go into his alphabetically organised music collection.

Cleo: I mean, R-Kelly's name begins with R, it's right there in the name.

Red: No, neither Adrian nor I acknowledge R as a real letter. It's got real problems.

Cleo: Alright, sorry about that then, Ed, but I still don't think that idea is the world's greatest.

Red: Damn it, our ideas need an ignition. If only I didn't feel so trapped in this closet-esque phone booth.

Cleo: Isn't your apartment like, a block away? We can just head over there, Red

Red: IT MIGHT RAIN. Geez. Come on, Cleo, think! Use your brain for thinking! That's all it's good for, they're literally organic thinking machines you just gotta think or...or you're done for, sister!

Cleo: I don't know, man, maybe surprise him? Maybe we could sneak into his room while he sleeps and fill it with balloons?

Red: Goddamnit, Cleo, you're onto something! I like your thinking!

Cleo: Thanks, I guess. So, you got any balloons, then?

Red: Why would I have balloons, do you just like carry balloons around with you in case of an emergency party? No that's an awful idea

Cleo: Did you really not know it was Adrians birthday until just now?

Red: I don't care, Cleo, we just gotta get balloons! Where's the nearest party store, we can get cards and stuff too!

Cleo: I'm not sure, I don't have a map.

Red: Ah, don't worry, my phone has a map on it.

(Red looks it up on his smartphone)

Cleo: Why are you...why did you use a phone booth I just don't understand

Red: No time to explain, Cleo, we just gotta get moving! Quick, run, before it rains!

(Cleo and Red run, until they reach a party store)

Cleo: Goddamn it, first I get woken up at 12AM, then I have to go running. I'm so tired, I just need coffee, or something.

Red: No time, just let me kick you in the vag instead!

Cleo: No I'm not letting you kick me in the vag

Red: It'll be swift, I swear! Just a swift, painless vag kick!

Cleo: No, you stay away from my vag. Come on, let's just get these balloons and go.

(They enter the store, and a woman named Jeff is running the counter)

Red: Jeff? That's an unconventional name for a woman.

Jeff: Well it's actually short for Jeffica, so.

Red: Fair enough, Jeff, we'd like your finest balloons!

Jeff: How many balloons is that?

Cleo: Probably like, one million?

Jeff: I'm not sure we stock that many balloons.

Red: Cleo, they're hiding the balloon stash from us! Tell us about the ballons, lady, or we'll bop ya good!

Cleo: No bopping anyone, Red. Jeff, how many balloons do you stock?

Jeff: At least ten, I think? I'll have to check. One moment.

(Jeff pulls out a tablet and starts looking it up)

Red: You can do all that and more from a payphone booth, you know. Protects you from rain, as well.

Jeff: Yeah, upon further inspection, we stock 2,500 balloons.

Red: What colour are they?

Jeff: They vary in colour

Red: Make sure we don't have any vermillion ballons, the colour vermillion is reprehensible and needs sorting out. Anyway, give us the damn balloons.

Jeff: Okay, one moment.

(Jeff grabs a basket and starts putting deflated ballons in it, one by one, incredibly slowly)

Cleo: Do you not stock balloons together? In like 10 packs? Jeff: Of course not! We think it's very important that each individual balloon has room to grow as an individual.

Red: I like your thinking, that's a good way to ensure your balloons are high quality. Digging this party meta.

Cleo: What world was I born into I'm really not sure

(After much time, Jeff stocks all balloons into the basket. Cleo and Red leave after paying)

Red: Okay Cleo what time is it we gotta know what time is it?

Cleo: It's 3AM

Red: Yikes, we're almost out of time! Come on, we gotta inflate the balloons as we go! Get a balloon and just blow!

(Red grabs a balloon)

Red: PHRRHPRHRPHPRHRPRHPHRHRPRHR

Cleo: Oh my god

Red: PHRPHRPHPRPHRHRPHRPHRHPR IM BLOWING SO HARD PHPRHRPRHPHR

Cleo: This is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life

Red: PPHRPHRPRHPRHRPHRPHR

Cleo: What has it all come too.

Red: Stop bitching and blow! BLOW!

Cleo: Fine... PHPRHRHPRPHRPRHPRPRHRPHR

Red: There's no time for dilly-dallying, if you do not inflate this balloon soon we...we'll die!

Cleo: What?

Red: We gotta do it now because if Adrian's sad, he'll go nuts and murder us all, if we forget his birthday WE GOTTA INFLATE THE BALLONS! PPHRHPHRPRHRHR

Cleo: PHRPHRPHRHPRHPRPRHPRHRPR Red: PHRPHRHPRHPRHPRHPRHR

(They make it to Adrians apartment)

Red: Alright...Cleo...be careful. We don't want to wake Adrian up. This has to be a surprise. So blow very, very, quietly. ...PHPRPRHPRPHRPRHPRHRPHRPHRR

Cleo: That's not quiet!

Red: PHRPHRPHPHRPHRPR

Cleo: That is the literal opposite of- oh damn it, nevermind. One moment.

(Cleo grabs two balloons, and sticks them in sleeping Adrians ears)

Cleo: How long we got?

Red: One hour, Cleo! One hour till boom goes the....the dynamite damn it! Let's get this into overdrive, here, take this bycicle pump, it inflates the balloons faster!

Cleo: What? How long have you had that?

Red: Like, for three days? It's just been in my pocket

Cleo: Why didn't we use that before!?

Red: Because where's the heart, Cleo!? Where's the heart!

Cleo: Fine just...ugh at least I don't need to blow hardcore anymore. Give it here.

(Cleo takes the bike pump, and furiously pumps air into the balloons)

Red: Wow that is some furious pumping. Probably like, the 2nd or 3rd most furious pumping I've seen in my life.

Cleo: Oh god my arm hurts

Red: PUMP, CLEO! Pump through the pain!

(Eventually, with much work, they finish inflating every balloon)

Red: Oh my god, we did it

Cleo: We did it! Haha, that was actually pretty cool! High-five!

Red: Don't...don't patronise me. Cleo: Okay sorry.

Red: He's...he's waking up! Look happy!

(Adrian wakes up)

Adrian: What the...AAAAAAARGH!

Red: What!? What is it Adrian, what's the matter!?

Adrian: BALLOONS!

Red: Yeah, balloons, dude, isn't it great!

Adrian: NO I'M AFRAID OF BALLOONS

Red: You're afraid of balloons!?

Adrian: DEATHLY AFRAID! SO VERY AFRAID!

Red: Ah geez what a mistake we've made, Cleo! We're the worst friends yet!

Cleo: I didn't know, I'm sorry!

Red: It was your idea, Cleo, and it was a terrible one! All this time...blowing balloons...and FOR WHAT CLEO!? For trauma!?

Cleo: I'm sorry! Come on, no time to dawdle

Red: Dilly-dally, damn it! Dilly-dally is clearly the word that is most surperior when referencing the wasting of time!

Cleo: Whatever, we just need to get rid of these balloons!

Red: Cleo, I've had an idea!

Cleo: What?

Red: We get rid of these balloons!

Adrian: GET RID OF THE BALLOONS! POP THEM! WHAT'S THE META FOR BALLOON POPPING!?

Red: You gotta...you gotta stab em! With a knife! Quick, take these knives!

Cleo: Why do you have knives now!? Red: Always keep like, 10 knives handy, Cleo, it's like you don't even know the meta!

Cleo: WHAT EVEN IS THE META!?

Red: Just pop the damn ballons!

(They start popping all the balloons, eventually popping them all)

Adrian: Oh god, that was so scary. And I'm so tired.

Red: Here, let me help you.

(Red kicks Adrian in the balls)

Adrian: Ah, a swift kick to the vag, just what I needed, thanks dude.

Red: You're most welcome.

Cleo: We're sorry we screwed up your birthday so bad.

Adrian: It's my birthday?

Red: Yeah it is

Adrian: Nah, dude, my birthdays on the-

Red: My birthdays when I say it is. That's the meta.

Adrian: Oh. Well sorry about being so scared of balloons.

Red: Don't worry dude, I found a way to make it up to you. Here, have a CD of the Greatest Hits of R-Kelly.

Adrian: Dude! I needed a K for my alphabatised music collection! Now all I need is Q and I'll have all 25 letters!

Red: Good present, huh?

Adrian: Totally!

Cleo: Well you know, it was kind of both of our idea, and everything...

Red: Cleo. Cleo you're dead to me

Cleo: I'm what

Red: You're dead to me. Don't sass me again, tryhard

Cleo: Okay sorry hoss

(The black void. Meta and Dev discuss again)

Dev: He's afraid of balloons!? How's he supposed to help us if he's afraid of something so trivial! We need to sort this.

Meta: I know. We will train him further. We'll train him well. I know we have not long left until they attack

Dev: About 4 more roughly-episodically lengthed allotments of time

Meta: Yes, but I assure you, I always come through in a pinch. You see Adrian? He's our chance. He's...the meta.

END