Difference between revisions of "RiffText/Bastard"

Latest revision as of 18:16, 1 December 2015

NAMINE: Hey, Fort Knox, are you... are you holding up okay?

NOXIGAR: Not really. Betwixt nothing really great happening to me in years, my slowly losing sanity, my basically aging without any real contributions to Lex's universe or anything too meaningful outside of a college degree, and the austere lack of concentration on anything big-time...
NAMINE: I'm sure things have been more memorable.
NOXIGAR: They haven't. I haven't done much of use on this site for a couple years.
NAMINE: Okay. And?
NOXIGAR: That's it.
NAMINE: I don't see the problem here.
NOXIGAR: My role-playing as Homestar Runner characters or you would've gotten horribly rusty by now? You'd be more like an amalgamation of Lex and your actual canon interpretation from Kingdom Hearts, especially since my exile from the fanatical domain would've made everything even more artistically licensed.
{Namine rolls her eyes, with a look of bemusement.}
NOXIGAR: What?
NAMINE: {still smirking} You know you can just say "I quit Kingdom Hearts," right?
NOXIGAR: I was kicked out of at least one community for not shipping Axel/Roxas; I didn't just "quit," else I'd declare it me quitting.
{Namine shrugs.}

NAMINE: {sighs} Riff away, compadre.

Hey kids. TheValentineBros here. Today I have a special treat.

NOXIGAR: I think we can call it special since it's ongoing, unlike a majority of other projects 'round here. Even The World's Greatest has kicked the bucket.

I'm going to review the worst movies I can ever see since mostly everybody on the internet are doing so.

NOXIGAR: Mostly everybody on the Internet is doing so.

So with that in mind, let's start 2013 with a selection of bad movies for me to review!

Also, send requests, and I'll pay cash. Seriously, those balls ain't gon' suck themselves.

NAMINE: I can't tell if he's soliciting oral sex or just trying to be edgy with the sexual humour.
NOXIGAR: To be fair; I can't tell, either.

Episodes

Season 1: 2013-2014

• Bratz the Movie
• Ratatoing
• Nukie
• Mac & Me
• Jason X
• A Christmas Story 2
• The Last Airbender
• The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It

Season 2: 2014-TBA

• The Cat in the Hat
• Black Swan
• Rock of Ages (requested episode)
• Cool Cat Saves the Kids
• InAPPropriate Comedy (requested episode) NEW!
• The Scorpion King (requested episode) IN PROGRESS!
• A Serbian Film (requested episode) COMING SOON, NIGGA!

NOXIGAR: He did not just-

NAMINE: Did not just what?
NOXIGAR: Should I erase the fact he used one of the worst words to ever hit the face of the Earth from this horrible "review" show?
NAMINE: I'm going to stop you from making what others will think is a mistake.
NOXIGAR: Why would other people think it's a mistake?
NAMINE: Censorship. Slippery slope. Garbage precedent for future screw-ups.
NOXIGAR: Oh.
NAMINE: I do understand and agree that just using terrible words with heinous historical implications for the sake of audacity is bloody ridiculous.
{Short pause.}

NAMINE: Leaving this intact means not riffing his reviews of Scorpion King, A Serbian Film, or anything else The Bastard decides to do.

Requests

• Click on it to drop your requests for me to review!

NOXIGAR: Can we riff the requests?

NAMINE: No. There really isn't a point to that anyway.
NOXIGAR: Alright, then.
NAMINE: Requests pages aren't exactly riffable. Y'know that the point of MFT3K was to riff horrible fiction, right?
NOXIGAR: Yeah.
NAMINE: What makes this work in particular either fiction or worth your time riffing?
NOXIGAR: I originally thought The Bastard was a persona. Then, I hung out with The Bastard's creator on Skype, and realized that his piece here is mostly opinion and rant, with very little review.
NAMINE: Check the bottom of this page. It might take us to something where he reviews works he likes. Maybe it will be less of a rant and more of a proper review?

NOXIGAR: Sounds like something to investigate

Sequel

• The Bastard's Favorite Movies