Difference between revisions of "RiffText/RTOD/KickCheat E-mails/Evil Salesman"

Latest revision as of 17:38, 13 December 2015

KickCheat E-mails #9

A scamming salesman, a.k.a The Liekand,

LIGHTNING GUY: a.k.a You could have just said The Liekand.

takes KickCheat's gold capsules.

Cast: (in order of appearance): KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner, 1-Up, Bubs, Coach Z, The Liekand, Tampo, Brody, Stlunko

Places: Pink Cloud Zone, Ice Zone, Tampo's Lair

Computer: Lappy HC

Lines: 217

Script

{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up in the The Pink Cloud zone}

LIGHTNING GUY: What time is it?

KICKCHEAT: Capsule finding time!

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

KICKCHEAT: What do you mean by a storm may be coming?

STRONG BAD: The Cheat can sense when a

LIGHTNING GUY: Bell

strom comes.

KICKCHEAT: Like when I sense you are 20 minutes late for your part time job?

STRONG BAD: Oh crap!

NAMINE: Think we might want to skip this one? Lightning Guy's not really messing up any of his riffs as bad as he's done before.
NOXIGAR: I'll keep going. The night is still young.

KICKCHEAT: What?

STRONG BAD: I am suppost to be at my job right now.

{Cut to Bub's Concession Stand}

BUBS: Strong Bad is 20 minutes late!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Now I'll have to hire someone who can spell 'supposed' correctly!"

{Coach Z walks onscreen}

COACH Z: Hey Bubs!

BUBS: Hey Coach! You want to earn money?

COACH Z: Yeah.

BUBS: You want to be the hot dog clown?

COACH Z: Yorb! Run! {Runs away}

LIGHTNING GUY: According to my Coach-2-English translator,

NOXIGAR: So, do translators exist for every bizarre accent or did you just have one specifically for Coach Z?

he just said "Yob! Run!", which doesn't make any more sense at all.

BUBS: I never get good buisness these days!

{Cut to the pink cloud zone}

KICKCHEAT: At least you might get fired.

LIGHTNING GUY: At most you might get executed.

NOXIGAR: Executed for what?

STRONG BAD: Yeah, you're right.

KICKCHEAT: {Gets out his Lappy HC} Well, time to check another e-mail

Dear KickCheat
Do a dance
sdfdg
Komsar

{Skips the sdfdg when reading the e-mail}

KICKCHEAT: Uh, can you make a sentence?

LIGHTNING GUY: Look who's talking.

Because this e-mail is a total piece of DELETED!!

{Deletes the e-mail}

KICKCHEAT: Some people just don't know how to

LIGHTNING GUY: Write

send e-mails.

{A strong gust of wind blows KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up away}

STINKOMAN: WOAH!!!

{KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up fall down}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That was the best roller coaster ever!

LIGHTNING GUY: See, it's funny because it was nothing like a roller coaster and he says stuff like this randomly and it's just terrible characterization. F--.

{The Liekand walks onscreen}

THE LIEKAND: Hi bozo's,

LIGHTNING GUY: Bozo was stupid the first time, and it's no less stupid now.

I mean gentlemen. Would you like some of the best stuff in the world?

KICKCHEAT: How much twisty?

LIGHTNING GUY: The number of twisty varies depending on how much I care.

THE LIEKAND: Fifty cents for a DVD.

KICKCHEAT: {Quickly} Okay, you got a deal!

LIGHTNING GUY: Why are you nervous? WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT TO BUY? TELL ME RIGHT NOW.

{Cut to a black screen that says "A few monents later". Cut to The Pink Cloud zone. KickCheat has a Garfield DVD,

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, I had to ask.

Strong Bad has a pair of gold oven mits, Homestar has a gross old wig, 1-Up has a baby raddle,

LIGHTNING GUY: Even most babies can spell that right.

The Cheat has a big knife and Stinkoman has a power crunch}

1-UP: Thanks doofus!

LIGHTNING GUY: I called my car salesman that. True story.

NOXIGAR: Oh, I'd love to hear the story behind why Lightning Guy called a car salesman a doofus.

{Short pause}

NOXIGAR: No, actually; I do want to hear the story behind that.

But I might as well be driving gold.

THE LIEKAND: Any time!

{KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up walk offscreen}

THE LIEKAND: But little do they know, that they paid for eveything with their gold capsules! Hehe! Tampo will be pleased! The collision will happen soon!

LIGHTNING GUY: Who are you talking to?

{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up walking}

STINKOMAN: You keeping those capsules safe KickCheat?

LIGHTNING GUY: Safe KickCheat

NOXIGAR: Awesome name

knows how to keep his capsules.

KICKCHEAT: Yes, the capsules are right.. {pauses}

STINKOMAN: Don't tell me you lost them!

KICKCHEAT: That salesman took them.

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: This is not good!

LIGHTNING GUY: really i thought it was great

KICKCHEAT: That salesman might have been one of Tampo's warriors!

LIGHTNING GUY: Master warriors.

STRONG BAD: We got to get those capsules back!

STINKOMAN: Uh, this place has saws and thunder clouds!

1-UP: PUDDING!! {Runs away}

KICKCHEAT: Don't go 1-Up! You might get hurt!

LIGHTNING GUY: I go "1-Up" all the time and nothing's ever happened to me! See? 1-Up! {an anvil falls on him}

{Cut to 1-Up running towards some pudding}

1-UP: PUDDING!!

LIGHTNING GUY: OH I GET IT NOW

{Starts to eat the pudding}

1-UP: Yum! This tastes like feet!

{A cage falls on him with The Liekand on top}

THE LIEKAND: Ho, Ho! I have quite the smarts! First, I steal their capsules, then I capture this guy!

1-UP: May I have some more pudding tornado man?

THE LIEKAND: You don't even realise that you have been trapped in a cage?

LIGHTNING GUY: You don't even realize that you spelled "realize"

NOXIGAR: I'd say "No, that's just how the Brits spell it," until I realized that I've never seen "realise" before.

wrong?

1-UP: Yes sir, I don't!

THE LIEKAND: Now I feel like capturing you wasn't worth it.

{1-Up falls asleep}

THE LIEKAND: Time to throw you off the clouds and give Tampo his capsules.

LIGHTNING GUY: Who are you talking to?

{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar Runner walking}

STRONG BAD: I can't believe 1-Up ran away for pudding.

KICKCHEAT: It explains why he's pudding brained.

LIGHTNING GUY: haha get it

STINKOMAN: Hey guys.

KICKCHEAT: Yeah?

STINKOMAN: Do we have the guts to get through this security stuff?

{Camera zooms out to show thunder clouds, saws, flying plugs and plug sockets}

KICKCHEAT: Actual guts, yes. Going through that heck,

LIGHTNING GUY: Going through that what?

mabye.

STINKOMAN: Well. It's time for a DOUBLE DEUCE!!!

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh great, another one.

{Stinkoman lunges at a flying plug, punches it, then falls to the ground. The flying plug flies away unharmed}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That was one cool ball game!

LIGHTNING GUY: I don't think Homestar is with us anymore.

HOMESTAR: Au contwaiwe, I'm with these heathens now.

NOXIGAR: Uh... it's a little late for me to pick up a guest riffer.
HOMESTAR: It's alwight. I suspect someone's gonna want you to do a WiffText Wedux in the neaw futuwe.
NOXIGAR: Actually, I'm fairly certain only JCM's shown actual appreciation for my, and Namine's, riffs.
HOMESTAR: Count me as youw second appweciatow.
NOXIGAR: Um, fine? I have two people that like RiffText, and one of them is a cartoon character? How does this help at all?
HOMESTAR: I'm still with you, awen't I?
NOXIGAR: I guess, although Briar's going to scream "Headmate!" and bash me in the head with a brick.
HOMESTAR: Sounds like a pewsonal attack.

NOXIGAR: No, sounds like no one is fooled and everyone thinks I'm insane.

STRONG BAD: Yeah, we just wasted ten seconds!

KICKCHEAT: And you just wasted ten more.

LIGHTNING GUY: You've all wasted thousands of seconds of my life that I can never get back.

STRONG BAD: Whatever.

LIGHTNING GUY: Never.

STINKOMAN: Come on guys!

KICKCHEAT: Okay bozo!

LIGHTNING GUY: I will freaking kill myself.

NAMINE: Noxigar, are you sure it isn't alright if we just left RiffText's crap alone?

NOXIGAR: I will finish this and break the cycle of shitfuckery I have seen happen and helped cause, for years.
NAMINE: I'm fairly certain you're becoming less healthy each riff. Look, we can just end RiffText: On Demand and you can just retire from riffing.
HOMESTAR: I'm actually in agweeance hewe, I think this is weally dumb. And pointless. Lightning Guy's a jewk. I can actually testify on this.
NOXIGAR:...I... I still...
HOMESTAR: You know we'we wight.
NAMINE: Phrasing.
HOMESTAR: You know we'we cowwect.
{Short pause}

NOXIGAR: If I don't finish the riff, I'm no better than Lightning Guy.

I will freaking do it right now.

STRONG BAD: {Looks up} Watch out for the wet walnuts, I mean thunder cloud!

{A thunder cloud foats over KickCheat and he dodges the bolt of lightning}

KICKCHEAT: Scary.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Take me out to the ball game!

LIGHTNING GUY: Shut up Homestar.

HOMESTAR: No, you shut up, Lightning Guy!

STRONG BAD: Shut up Homestar!

LIGHTNING GUY: {takes off earrings} OK, I see how it's going down.

{Cut to The Liekand and a caged, sleeping 1-Up. A computer is beside The Liekand}

THE LIEKAND: Now to contact Tampo.

{The Liekand turns to the computer}

THE LIEKAND: Tornado to brainbot. I repeat. Tornado to Brainbot.

LIGHTNING GUY: Is using your real names that hard?

{Tampo appears on the computer screen}

TAMPO: {Talking through the computer} Yes The Liekand?

THE LIEKAND: I have caught 1-Up and got the stolen capsules from the 2006 people.

TAMPO: {Talking through the computer} Good jorb!

LIGHTNING GUY: According to my Tamp-2-English translator, he just said "Good jorb!", which doesn't make any more sense at all.

I will be coming up shortly.

THE LIEKAND: How long?

TAMPO: {Talking through the computer} About thirty minutes.

THE LIEKAND: Okay. Over!

LIGHTNING GUY: I see evolution is going backwards.

NOXIGAR: It's funny because he hates anything backwards.

{The computer turns off}

THE LIEKAND: In half an hour. Those capsules will be safe from those 2006 people and 1-Up will be history!

LIGHTNING GUY: In half an hour. This dialogue will suck no less and I'll have to go through it all the same.

{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar Runner infront of a saw}

KICKCHEAT: So, how do we get past this thing?

STRONG BAD: I know how to get The Cheat across.

{Strong Bad kicks The Cheat over the saw}

LIGHTNING GUY: You know what's funnier than a kicked cheat?

STRONG BAD: And I and

LIGHTNING GUY: Yes you yes.

going to throw Homestar over.

{Strong Bad throws Homestar over the saw}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Wheee!

STINKOMAN: Jump over saw deuce!

{Stinkoman jumps over the saw}

LIGHTNING GUY: OH I GET IT NOW

STRONG BAD: And I will throw KickCheat over.

{Strong Bad throws KickCheat over the saw}

KICKCHEAT: Watch it!

STRONG BAD: And I'm trapped over here.

KICKCHEAT: {Gets out his Lappy HC} No you're not.

LIGHTNING GUY: That rectangle to the rescue!

{The Lappy HC glows and Strong Bad disappears, then appears on the other side of the saw}

STRONG BAD: Nice touch.

STINKOMAN: That takes care of that part of the pink cloud zone. Now we have to cross evaporating clouds.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Alright!

STRONG BAD: This e-mail is getting worse.

LIGHTNING GUY: I don't think that's really possible at this point.

{KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar Runner walk to the evaporating clouds}

STINKOMAN: Life risking deuce!

{Stinkoman walks over the evaporating clouds. The clouds disappear after Stinkoman walks off one. The Camera zooms out to show Stinkoman at the other side}

LIGHTNING GUY: Anticlimax deuce!

STINKOMAN: Come on!

{KickCheat walks over the evaporating clouds. The clouds disappear after KickCheat walks off one}

KICKCHEAT: Almost there!

{Just as KickCheat makes it over, a rocket falls and destroys the evaporating clouds}

KICKCHEAT: Holy crap!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Look at those colors! They're beautiful! Oh my ears are bleeding too"

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay!

{Homestar and The Cheat jump off the clouds}

STRONG BAD: Wait for me!

{Strong Bad jumps off the clouds}

KICKCHEAT: NOOOOOOO!

STINKOMAN: They will be fine. {Quietly} I hope.

KICKCHEAT: Anyway. We got some capsules to get back.

LIGHTNING GUY: You are never too cool for grammar. You are never too cool for anything.

STINKOMAN: Right.

{KickCheat and Stinkoman walk offscreen. Cut to The Liekand and a caged, sleeping 1-Up}

THE LIEKAND: Yes! Those 2006 people jumped off the edge!

KICKCHEAT: {Offscreen} Not all of them!

{Camera zooms out showing KickCheat and Stinkoman}

KICKCHEAT: You pretended to be a scamming salesman to get our capsules!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Pretend" is a strong word. I mean, he did convince you to get a Garfield DVD.

HOMESTAR: He must not like Gawfield all that much.

NOXIGAR: To be fair, I hate it. I also hate Mondays, and assume Jim Davis' lawyers are all ninjas.
NAMINE: The name "Garfield" is not automatically copyrighted. Nor is it that terrible a name, even if it were.

{Noxigar huffs}

You did have to be convinced, didn't you? Didn't you?

THE LIEKAND: Yeah. Now you will be blown away!

{A gust of wind sends KickCheat and Stinkoman flying offscreen}

LIGHTNING GUY: OH I Give up.

THE LIEKAND: Bye, bye nerds!

{1-Up wakes up}

1-UP: Huh?

{Looks at what is happening to Stinkoman and KickCheat}

1-UP: I got to do something.

{Looks down}

1-UP: Hey. A key.

LIGHTNING GUY: How convenient.

{1-Up opens the cage and jumps out}

1-UP: Hey twisty!!

LIGHTNING GUY: You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind.

THE LIEKAND: Wha..?

{1-Up kicks The Liekand in the face. The wind stops and Stinkoman and KickCheat fall down}

THE LIEKAND: Owie! You hurt me!

LIGHTNING GUY: You'd think a raging tornado could tolerate that kind of pain.

1-UP: Ya-ta!

{1-Up kicks The Liekand in the face hard.

LIGHTNING GUY: HARD

Three gold capsules come out of him}

KICKCHEAT: I'll get the capsules!

{KickCheat catchhes the capsules and puts them away}

1-UP: Tell me what you are doing with the capsules.

THE LIEKAND: Never!

1-UP: Time for a kick?

THE LIEKAND: Okay, okay!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Why should I make these conflicts difficult for the heroes to resolve when I can just cut the work in half by making the villians complete sissies?"

Tampo wants to use the power of the capsules to cause a collision with the moon. Then before the the moon collides with earth. He will escape with Brody and Stlunko to Mars.

1-UP: Okay.

{1-Up kicks The Liekand into the cage and locks it}

THE LIEKAND: It doesn't matter if you lock me in here! Tampo will be here soon.

LIGHTNING GUY: "Then you'll be sorry! O-or not. Whatever works for you."

KICKCHEAT: Uh oh! Jumping off the clouds time!

{Before KickCheat, 1-Up and Stinkoman can jump off the clouds, Tampo appears}

TAMPO: My new warping system works!

KICKCHEAT: {Quietly} Let's sneak away.

STINKOMAN: {Quietly} Okay.

{KickCheat, 1-Up and Stinkoman sneak towards the edge of the clouds}

TAMPO: So The Lie..huh?

THE LIEKAND: Um, hi Tampo.

TAMPO: Okay. Someone here has been watching CSI. What are doing in that cage?

LIGHTNING GUY: I don't know. When are learning to speak right?

THE LIEKAND: Behind you.

{KickCheat, Stinkoman and 1-Up jump off the edge of the clouds. Tampo turns around}

TAMPO: I see nothing.

THE LIEKAND: You're to late you big bucket of bolts! Those 2006 people took the capsules!

TAMPO: Crap! Well, thanks for nothing stupid!

LIGHTNING GUY: I think he did a lot of things stupid.

THE LIEKAND: Anytime!

{Tampo disappears. Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman and 1-Up falling}

KICKCHEAT: Where ever we fall. We fall to the others.

STINKOMAN: Righ.

LIGHTNING GUY: Wron.

{KickCheat, Stinkoman and 1-Up fall to the Ice zone}

KICKCHEAT: I didn't know the North pole acually exists.

STINKOMAN: Well, you do now.

{Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar walk onscreen}

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, he was righ. Why aren't I surprised?

STRONG BAD: Hey guys.

KICKCHEAT: So you guys landed here.

STRONG BAD: Yeah. Did you get the capsules back?

KICKCHEAT: We did. 1-Up saved our lives.

1-UP: I'm now the guy!

STINKOMAN: No you're not.

1-UP: Darn!

LIGHTNING GUY: The action never stops!

HOMESTAR: You didn't bold and italicize the entiwe action, so how does it evew stop?

KICKCHEAT: Fourth capsule here we come!

{KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up walk offscreen. Cut to Tampo's lair}

TAMPO: Argh! I failed again!

BRODY: The Liekand almost had em.

TAMPO: Almost! Almost means we failed!

BRODY: Okay brainbot.

LIGHTNING GUY: He is okay, but I wouldn't call him a robot.

TAMPO: Stlunko. Where are they now?

STLUNKO: The Ice zone sir.

LIGHTNING GUY: Yes, he was such a gentleman!

They might freeze to square there.

TAMPO: Exelent! I shall destroy the world now! Muhahahaha!

{The paper comes down}

TAMPO: Wait. I'm not done. Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

BRODY: {Interups Tampo} That's good enough Tampo!

TAMPO: Don't you interupt me!

BRODY: Sorry bozo.

LIGHTNING GUY: THAT'S IT GET THE GUNS

TAMPO: Don't you dare call me bozo either!

LIGHTNING GUY: Why don't we all just agree to never call anyone bozo ever again.

HOMESTAR: But how else do I descwibe you, Lightning Guy? You'we nothin' but a bozo!

Please.

STLUNKO: The e-mail is over. Can we all shut up?

TAMPO: Okay.

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, now who's taking the orders? Suck on that, caste system!