Zippy Emails/emails/9

Overview

Zippy Email #9: britain

Zippy visits a previously-unknown cousin in York. British ensues.

CAST: Zippy, Mitch, Estelle, Zippleton

PLACES: Zippy's Bedroom, Outside Zippy's House, an Airport, Zippleton's House, the York Minster, the Snickelways

PAGE TITLE: Indy X9!

Transcript

{Open: Indy X9.}

ZIPPY: Email songs? Who needs them? {opens email}

subject: britain

Dear Zippy,
Hello, cousin! Long time, no see, wot wot!
Remember me? I'm your cousin from Great
Britain, Zippleton! I do hope you'll come
over here and meet the family, wot wot!
And those English muffins, mmmm, scrumptious!
From your old friend and cousin,
Zippleton
York, England, UK
PS. When you get there, there should be a
little purple platypus waiting there for
you. That'll be my dear niece. Just follow
her and you should come to our home.

ZIPPY: Wow, wall of text. Anyhow, {typing} my family must be big because I swear I've never heard of you. For that reason alone, I guess I'll visit.

{Zippy gets up.}

{Cut: outside Zippy's House. Mitch is trimming his hedges.}

ZIPPY: Hey, Mitch! Still gardening?

MITCH: They're my only real friends in this dump of a town.

ZIPPY: That's depressing! Anyhow, I'm off to the UK for a bit. Be back soon!

MITCH: Wait, the UK? You mean to say that your race has somehow extended to England and the rest?

ZIPPY: Uh-huh. I didn't know either, but whatever. I'm off! Tally ho!

{Zippy runs down the street.}

MITCH: Good. Now I can get some peace and quiet.

{Cut: a British airport. Zippy enters the airport from a plane.}

ZIPPY: Man! That was the best five-minute flight I've ever taken! Now, then... a little purple platypus. Shouldn't be too hard to find.

{Zippy scans the area and sees a small purple platypus holding a sign reading "Zippy".}

ZIPPY: Oh! There you are, you little scamp! What's your name, little girl?

ESTELLE: My name is Estelle, you mud-wallowing swine. I take it you're the cretin who I'm supposed to escort to my father's house?

ZIPPY: ... Ouch.

ESTELLE: Don't try to analyze it, you'll only cramp your brain more. Now are we to stand in this hovel for much longer or are we to go to my father's?

ZIPPY: Alright! Geez, for a little girl you sure are... mean.

ESTELLE: I like to think of it as my best trait. Now, then, onward!

{The two leave the airport.}

{Cut: Zippleton's House. Zippy and Estelle enter.}

ZIPPLETON: My, my! How long it has been! Ever so glad to have you over, my good coz!

ZIPPY: So... you're Zippleton?

ZIPPLETON: Quite! It's so great to have you visit the greatest country on the globe!

ZIPPY: Now, hold on-

ESTELLE: I must stop you there, uncle, for I'm certain the next words out of your mouth will cause my brain to cease working just trying to figure out what you meant.

ZIPPY: ... Eh-heh-heh-heh... Quite the mouth she has, eh, Zippleton?

ZIPPLETON: Oh, quite. I've no clue where she got her wit, but rest assured, it wasn't from me! Oh-ho-ho-ho!

ZIPPY: Heh... heh-heh.

ZIPPLETON: So, my good cousin, have you heard the latest news? Lewis Hamilton won the Grand Prix this year! Isn't that exciting?

ZIPPY: Heh... it would be if I knew who Lewis Hamilton was.

ZIPPLETON: Oh, yes, quite... well, haven't you heard of the Glasgow election?

ZIPPY: ... Where's that?

ZIPPLETON: ... Oh, well. My, isn't it hard to talk to foreigners about current events...

ESTELLE: It's not surprising. After all, Americans are closed-minded pigs who only care about how much food they can stuff in their fat-caked throats. Is that hitting too close to home, uncle?

ZIPPY: ... Okay, I'm starting to get sick of you.

ZIPPLETON: Come, Zippy, let us travel the town, see the sights!

ZIPPY: Okay, but if that damn kid says another thing...

{Cut: the streets of York. Zippy, Zippleton and Estelle are standing in front of the York Minster.}

ZIPPLETON: Why, look upon this. The York Minster, one of the biggest churches in Europe!

ZIPPY: Cool. I guess.

ESTELLE: Have you no sense of respect for us British? You look upon our religious bastions with the same view you have looking at an everyday building. You're just as stupid as the rest, aren't you?

ZIPPY: ... Saying this stuff really hurts, you know.

ZIPPLETON: Come, Zippy. We've got much more to see!

{Cut: some alleyways in York. Zippy, Zippleton and Estelle are walking down them.}

ZIPPLETON: ... and these are the Snickelways of York! Though these streets are not big enough to drive down, people still walk them as if normal streets!

ZIPPY: And you're certain nobody's going to jump out and stab me?

ZIPPLETON: ... Pardon?

ZIPPY: Sorry, man. In America, alleyways usually mean hobos or robbers.

ZIPPLETON: Why, there is no such fear in our town!

ZIPPY: Yeah, great. Listen, I'm gonna stop at every pub in a quarter-mile radius. I'll meet you back at the house at eight.

{Zippy walks off.}

ZIPPLETON: Oh, bother.

ESTELLE: Figures. The sot won't even bother to respect British tradition. Quite the sorry lout, this one is.

{Pause.}

ESTELLE: I just noticed how much of a walking anachronism you are, papa. Normal Brits never use words like "eh, wot" or "tally ho" in normal conversation. My God, man, you're no better than that cretin cousin of yours.

ZIPPLETON: ... My God, now I know how my cousin feels.

{Cut: Zippleton's House. Zippy stumbles in.}

ZIPPY: {drunk} Hello, everyone! After exploring every {hic} pub in York, I can safely say that this {hic} is gonna be my new vacation spot! Woo!

{Zippy collapses onto the floor.}

ZIPPLETON: So, Estelle. Do you think that he'll fit in the luggage compartment of an airplane?

ESTELLE: Rather well.

{Cut: outside Zippy's House. A taxi pulls up to Zippy's House and tosses him out. Zippy gets up, dusts himself off and enters his house.}

{Cut: Indy X9.}

ZIPPY: {typing} Zippleton? You're the best British cousin I've ever had. Thanks for inviting me over! Just... tell that kid I hate her. A lot. {speaking} Well, I've gotta go nurse a hangover. Goodbye!

{Zippy leaves the room.}

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