Zippy Emails/emails/5

Overview

Zippy Email #5: time travel

Five emails in, Zippy already gets a time travel email.

CAST: Zippy, Kooky, Homestar Runner, Mitch

PLACES: Zippy's Bedroom, Kooky's Lab, Homestar's House, Mitch's Kitchen

PAGE TITLE: Indy X9!

Transcript

{Open: Indy X9.}

ZIPPY: Checkin' on ee-hee-mails! Laid back, got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. {opens email}

subject: time travel

Dear Zipper T. Platypus,
What would you do if you had the power to
go back into time and change how your family
is?
From,
Snappy that Saltwater Crocodile

ZIPPY: {typing} Well, Snappy, this poses a problem. On one hand, I could do anything, but on another hand, I might not freakin' exist anymore. Have you not seen Back to the Future? I might disappear! {clears screen} Rather than mess with my parents, why not think about how I'd mess with other people in the past?

{Pause.}

ZIPPY: Wait, that's actually an awesome idea! Thankfully, I have the resources for this! {speaking} To the Kooky Lab!

{Zippy runs out of the room.}

{Cut: Kooky's Lab.}

KOOKY: Couple of tweaks there and it should function as normal--

{Zippy runs into the room.}

ZIPPY: Hey, Kooks!

KOOKY: Oh! It's you. What do you want?

ZIPPY: Listen, I need a- what are you working on?

KOOKY: This? {holds up a small device} Why, this is the Plot Device!

ZIPPY: The... what?

KOOKY: The Plot Device! If you're in need, and you can't seem to move the plot, push this red button and whatever you need will appear, right when you need it! Say, your computer is broken. Push the button, and you'll have all the tools and the expertise to fix it!

ZIPPY: Wow! I think I've seen this used before!

KOOKY: But I'm the only one who's got a patent.

ZIPPY: Ah, nice! So, anyway, I need a time machine. Can you do that?

KOOKY: Sure thing! Just press the button-

ZIPPY: No. No using the Plot Device.

KOOKY: But I can-

ZIPPY: I REQUIRE MANUAL LABOR!

KOOKY: {grumbles} Fine.

{Cut: Zippy's House, a week later. Kooky walks in to a grumpy Zippy.}

KOOKY: Hey, Zip!

ZIPPY: Shut up. I'm nursing a hangover.

KOOKY: But I've got your time machine ready.

ZIPPY: Just give me a damn hour.

{Cut: Kooky's Lab, an hour later. Zippy looks fine now.}

ZIPPY: So, how's this thing work, exactly?

KOOKY: Just punch in a date and voila! You're there!

ZIPPY: Wow, how needlessly simplistic!

{Zippy walks into the time machine and punches in some numbers. He and the machine disappear.}

{Cut: Homestar's House, years earlier. Homestar is at the top of his stairs.}

HOMESTAR: Welp, I'm gonna go down the stairs now! I've been up here for like a week!

{Suddenly, Zippy runs in from the side of the room and kicks Homestar down the stairs.}

HOMESTAR: These stairs really hurt!

ZIPPY: That was for being in the same vicinity as me! Hah!

{Cut: Mitch's House, weeks earlier. Mitch is in his kitchen, making breakfast. Mitch reaches for the cereal, and pours out peanut shells. Zippy runs into the room and laughs. He runs out again.}

MITCH: Oh, damnit! This is why I drink!

{Cut: Zippy's House, earlier in the day. Zippy walks in to see himself sleeping. He wakes himself up.}

PAST ZIPPY: Whuh... who are you?

PRESENT ZIPPY: I'm your shattered future self! Due to years of alcohol abuse, I turn up penniless in a gutter, doomed to a lifetime of bumming cigarettes and pissing in bottles! OoooOOOOOooooh!

PAST ZIPPY: Oh, God, really?!

PRESENT ZIPPY: Heh, psyche! I just made Kooky build me a time machine!

{Present Zippy runs away.}

PAST ZIPPY: This is why I drink.

{Cut: Kooky's Lab. Zippy and the time machine reappear.}

ZIPPY: Man, that was amazing!

KOOKY: Too bad I have to destroy it now.

ZIPPY: Wh- what? WHY?

KOOKY: Such power cannot be used for just fun. It must be used... for science.

ZIPPY: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

KOOKY: And you depleted its plutonium battery, so I had no choice.

ZIPPY: Huh. Well, that's a better explanation.

{Cut: Indy X9.}

ZIPPY: {typing} So, Snappy, I just returned from my time travel, and I gotta say... it's the most amazing thing I've ever done. Too bad nobody else will ever be able to experience it ever again. {speaking} Now, then. I've gotta go down a bowl of Pop Rocks and Coke and see what happens. Hope I don't die!

{Zippy runs out of the room. Soon after, a pop is heard.}

ZIPPY: THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA! SOMEBODY GET SOME BANDAGES!

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