Zippy Emails/emails/2

Overview

Zippy Emails #2: relatives

Zippy checks his first real email in a while.

CAST: Zippy, Mitch, Aruseus, Garzel, many of Zippy's relatives

PLACES: Zippy's Bedroom, Projector Room

PAGE TITLE: Indy X9!

Transcript

{Open: Zippy's Bedroom. Zippy is at the Indy, checking his emails.}

subject: wuh?

Dear Zippy,
Do you know who spray painted my ship to look like a purple platapus?{Or whatever you are}
Also, can I borrow your Chuck Norris in a can?
Thanks,
Userunknown

ZIPPY: Is... is this really how my new email show's gonna start off? Checking stuff like this? Wow, this was a bad idea-

{A ping emits from the computer.}

ZIPPY: Who pinged?

{Another email pops up.}

ZIPPY: Oh. {to himself} Prepare for the worst, Zip.

subject: relatives?

Zippy!
You got any relatives?
I got relatives.
You got relatives?
Much loves,
Dinerdash Rodney

{After saying "Zippy!", Zippy says, "Geez! Not so loud!"}

ZIPPY: Well, {yelling} Rodney! {normal volume} I do have quite the extensive family tree, if I do say so. I remember attending my family reunion a while ago. Follow me, please.

{Zippy gets up.}

{Cut: the projector room. Zippy, Mitch, Aruseus and Garzel are there.}

GARZEL: Why did I have to come here?

ZIPPY: Shut up. This is educational.

GARZEL: Further more, why would you build a projector room in your house?

ZIPPY: Follow me.

{Zippy and Garzel go into a room offscreen. A gunshot is heard. Seconds later, Zippy walks out.}

ZIPPY: Any more questions?

{Everyone is looking at Zippy in shock.}

ZIPPY: He's fine. I just shot his knee, is all. He should be fine in a couple of days.

GARZEL: {offscreen} YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MONSTER!

ZIPPY: {to Garzel} You still want that other kneecap?

{Pause.}

ZIPPY: Alright. Now that Garzel's been taken care of, time to start the projection!

{Zippy turns on the projector and an image of his family tree is shown.}

ZIPPY: As you can see, it all started with my great, great, very great grandfather, Zebadiah Elroy Platypus, as far as I know.

{Zoom in on the man at the top of the tree.}

ZIPPY: Zebediah, who hailed from Australia, was a practicer of the Amish lifestyle. He grew up in rural Pennsylvania, circa about 1710. He and his wife, Zelda Charlene Platypus, maiden name Platypus, lived the simple life. They had many children, as was the practice with the Amish faith. This went on for many generations, eventually coming to my grandfather, Zebadiah Cameron Platypus.

ARUSEUS: Question!

ZIPPY: Yes, Aruseus?

ARUSEUS: I thought Zebadiah was your great great great grandfather!

ZIPPY: Aruseus, there are only so many Z names and I'm sure they ran out somewhere. Anyhow...

{Zoom in on the man above Zippy's parents.}

ZIPPY: Grandpa Zebadiah was a good man. He too was a devout Amish, and grew up on the same flat of land that my ancestors owned. This flat is known as Platt's Flat, due to the fact it has been exclusively home to the Platypus family. Plus, it rhymes, and who doesn't like that?

MITCH: Question.

ZIPPY: {sighs} Yes, Mitch?

MITCH: How come, if he was an Amish, your parents are not?

ZIPPY: I have a good answer for that. It also ties in to my next point.

{Zoom in on Zippy's parents.}

ZIPPY: My parents, Zed and Zena Platypus, are of mixed faith. At one point, my mother, Zena, was an Amish. However, she married my father, Zed. Zed, being a deadbeat, no-good, greasy-mullet having redneck son of a-

MITCH: Zippy! Calm down!

ZIPPY: Sorry. Well, Zed converted Mom to... well, nothing, really. Mom became a housewife and Zed just sat around all day drinking. Eventually, I was born, and was quickly abandoned by my father. As such, my mom brought me up mostly, because my dad was so horrible at parenting. So yeah, I grew up in a crappy family. Later, Mom and Zed divorced, and Zed married some blonde bimbo. She's not even a purple platypus! Way to keep the species alive, Zed!

ARUSEUS: Why are you calling your dad Zed?

ZIPPY: HE'S NOT MY FATHER. He's dead to me.

ARUSEUS: ... Wow, holy crap. You must have had a sucky childhood.

ZIPPY: Why do you think I'm so irritable all the time?

ARUSEUS: Huh. Sorry, man.

ZIPPY: Nah, it's alright. Besides, enough vodka can suppress the memories!

MITCH: Vodka?

ZIPPY: Moving on! I also have some interesting cousins. Zack, for instance, is my Australian brother. He currently lives in Billabong Grove, near Sydney. I also have a cousin from Canada, Zeke. He's apparently cool because of his stupid fur hat and green shoes and stupid hair. Why can't I be the cool one?

{Pause.}

ZIPPY: So that's that. That's the end of my presentation. Any questions?

ARUSEUS: I have one!

ZIPPY: Alright, go ahead.

ARUSEUS: Do you have a drinking problem?

ZIPPY: Yes. Yes I do.

ARUSEUS: ... Wow.

ZIPPY: Alright, everyone out! It's time for some Grey Goose therapy!

{Everyone leaves the room. Zippy takes out a bottle of vodka and pours himself a glass.}

Click here to email Zippy!