Yahtzee Style Reviews/Overwatch

SI takes a bottle of unidentified pills and reviews one of the most popular multiplayer games of the decade.

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Hi, my name is Strong Intelligent! I remember it, so you don't have to! Haha, get it? Is this still a timely reference? Dear God, I hope it is.

Anyway, the game I am reviewing in today's episode (because I do not have school, nor do I have homework) is Overwatch. What is Overwatch, you say? Well, buckle your britches, because you're in for a wild ride. Imagine Team Fortress 2, a team-based FPS with an assortment of colorful characters. Imagine that game, but shinier. And more racially and sexually diverse. Overwatch is also a team-based shooter, created by the Blizzard, a company with a long history of games, ranging from the obscure, such as Warcraft, Starcraft, and Diablo; all the way to unforgettable classics, such as Rock n' Roll Racing, RPM Racing, and The Lost Vikings.

Now, Overwatch is not a bad game. Not by any means. That is, if you're a sadomasochist who gets off on being called a "faggot" by players online or having a 12-year old kid scream obscenities down the microphone about how he fucked your mother repeatedly. As said before, it is a team-based shooter, meaning that you have fun moments such as being the ONLY ONE WHO TRIES TO STAND ON THE FUCKING POINT WHILE YOUR TEAMMATES FUCK OFF AND CHASE KILLS, or being the ONLY ONE TO ESCORT THE CART WHILE THE REST OF YOUR TEAMMATES ARE SPLIT-UP EVERYWHERE ELSE AND GET KILLED AND THEN YOU DIE BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM IS COHESIVE ENOUGH TO GET SHIT DONE. Or being in a team where everybody wants to be a hero, so they all FUCKING PICK DPS CHARACTERS, LEAVING YOU TO BE THE ONLY HEALER, AND THEN THEY FUCK OFF AND DO THEIR OWN THING AND SPREAD THROUGHOUT THE MAP AS YOU TRY AND HEAL THEM ALL BUT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THEN THEY DIE AND THEN THEY INSULT YOU AND CALL YOU A PIECE OF SHIT BECAUSE GOD FORBID ANYTHING IS THEIR FAULT, HUH? GOD FORBID YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE PROPERLY HEALED BEFORE CHARGING INTO A MAP LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT, FUCK YOU.

On the subject of characters, the game has many, all with their own unique traits. For example, you have the brainwashed assassin hailing from France, named Widowmaker, who STANDS BACK AS FAR AS SHE CAN FROM THE ACTION AND DOES FUCK ALL BECAUSE SHE'S A TERRIBLE AIMER BUT GOD FORBID SHE CHANGES HERO AND DOES SOMETHING USEFUL, GOD NO, YOU JUST HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH MISSING A FUCKING TEAMMATE. Another colorful character is Reinhardt, whose mechanical suit of armor resembles that of the knights of yore and carries a large hammer and shield to protect the team in the face of danger, IN THEORY, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT FUCKING REINHARDT PLAYERS DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT PROTECTING THE TEAM, ALL THEY WANNA DO IS CHARGE INTO THE ACTION AND KILL. BUT SAUSAGE SURPRISE, THEY DON'T. THEY GET KILLED. BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING STUPID. Of course, you also have Mei, a Chinese scientist wielding an ice gun with the ability to freeze enemy players and create massive ice walls which ARE SUPPOSED TO BLOCK THE ENEMY TEAM, BUT NO, THEY NEVER DO THAT BECAUSE MEI PLAYERS, LIKE REINHARDT PLAYERS, ARE ALSO FUCKING SHIT AND DUMB, INSTEAD WHAT THEY DO IS BLOCK THEIR OWN TEAM, OR THEY TRAP THEM, OR THEY DO LITERALLY ANYTHING BUT WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO, FUCK YOU MEI, JUST... FUCK YOU. How about Doomfist, the Nigerian criminal with a mechanical arm that can stun people with their punches and OH WAIT THEY'RE DEAD. NEVER-FUCKING-MIND. Or Lucio, the Brazilian musician with the power to heal with his music, which he plays when HE FUCKS OFF TO DO THINGS ON HIS OWN, LEAVING HIS TEAMMATES TO FUCKING DIE. Or D.Va, the video-game professional with a mechanical suit, who ALSO FUCKING DIES BECAUSE THE PEOPLE PLAYING AS HER SUCK.

Overwatch. What a game. What a game. At least there's porn of it, UGH.