(even if you aren't vegan)


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Someone decided it was a good idea to let Remolay start this one. He wound up writing the legitimately best beginning a Wikihood Episode has ever had, in its entire lifetime.

Conflict Summary

  • The Wikihood Gang fend off against Xavier D'Arque's Senatorial Campaign's Security:
    • Chaos & Lex v. Leigh (making this a semi-legitimate fight so Leigh has more conscious screentime)
    • Tracy v. Jacqueline's Security (through distractions and smoke clouds)
    • Virgil v. Elhera & The Glabal MC ("Altamont" joke payoff because Sean writes good stuff and I'd rather not scrap any of it)
    • Virgil v. Elhera II & Security Vans (Chase scene)
    • Volkov v. one of Droll's Loa (generic Petro loa, to not be tone-clashy with later Episodes)
    • Headwiz v. Stephanie's Security (by proxy of camera shutdown, otherwise Headwiz essentially takes over as "Mastermind" of the thing quickly)
    • Garfield v. Xavier D'Arque (narrowly avoided by interactions with the auction, Leigh, Stephanie, and Grughor)
  • Other:
    • Garfield v. Rosemary Touchdown (she's not Security-related; enforcement of a "once every other arc rule" Lex made so Rosemary isn't a one-off)


{Open on black as Telephone Line by ELO begins to play. Cut, to an answering machine in parts unknown.}

MACHINE: You've reached Maddie Raid, please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you.

LEIGH: {singing} Hello, How are you?
Have you been alright through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely nights

{Cut to Leigh, who looks to be singing into his phone.}

LEIGH: That's what I'd say, I'd tell you everything
If you'd pick up that telephone... Yeah yeah yeah...

{Cut back to the room with the answering machine in it, as Maddie arrives, and picks up the phone.}

LEIGH: Hey, how you-

MADDIE: You're lucky I have a landline, Rem. What do you want?

LEIGH: Oh I... Hi Madds, I almost didn't expect you to pick up...

{Cut back to Leigh, who is clearly now much more nervous about the situation.}

LEIGH: I uh... You see.. I wanted to tell you how things have gone since you left.

MADDIE: I'm listening...

LEIGH: Well, I managed to get a new job and make some friends. And they actually like me there. And I've held the job for two weeks!

MADDIE: Hey, good for you! Maybe your bad luck streak is finally ending.

LEIGH: Yeah, wouldn't that be the best? Hey, if things keep going well do you think maybe we could...?

MADDIE: 'Lay, you know I love you. I just don't know how much more of your "Luck" I can push through. Let's say things keep going well until, I don't know, the end of the month? We'll talk about it, then.

LEIGH: I don't think we need to worry about it. There's a big event going on tonight though, a political Fundraiser for Xavier D'Arque. I've been helping organize it.

{Flashback to the event room from the previous evening; where Leigh is showing a Tracy, who has shaved, gotten a haircut, and is now wearing a suit and glasses as a disguise, around the place and how security is set up. Tracy looks at certain areas of the room, noting the locations of the security cameras, adjusting them every time he sees one.}

LEIGH: {offscreen} Everything's perfect. Catered by a Drow company; not my choice, but exciting. I tried to get my friend on Security, but he handled it with other people already.

{Cut to The Gang finishing their setup for the Heist. They look over the blueprints, and inaudibly go over the plan. Garfield is dressed in his pimp suit from the day before.}

LEIGH: {offscreen} Unless a huge robbery ends up happening, which let's be honest what are the chances of that, it should go off without a hitch...

{Cut back to Leigh, who's nervous expression has gone, now smiling}

LEIGH: And who knows? Maybe a promotion for old 'Lay?

MADDIE: Well I wish you luck. I've got to go to work, and I'm sure you've got a busy and eventful day ahead of you...

{Cut back to The Gang.}

CHAOS: ...and me and Lex will grab the money from the safe room while disguised as security guards. I got Lex to procure us some disguises. Lex, show 'em.

LEX: I had some trouble findin' good ones, but I did the best with what I got.

{Lex pulls out two security guard Halloween costumes, along with two fake biker moustaches. Chaos facepalms.}

CHAOS: What the fuck? Nobody is going to believe us like this!

LEX: Just wait, mon.

{Lex turns around, with his back to everyone, then turns back, wearing one of the moustaches. Everybody gasps. Lex looks the exact same, but with the moustache.}

LEX: But wait. There's more.

{Lex pulls out a pair of aviators and puts them on.}

LEX: How about now? Do I look like Lex now?

HEADWIZ: You look like someone's sad uncle who works part-time as a Freddie Mercury impersonator.

VOLKOV: Was thinkin' Village People, myself.

{Chaos groans.}

CHAOS: Ughh. I guess it's the best we've got. If we stay far enough from everyone, we can probably get away with it. Whatever.

{Chaos and Lex put their sunglasses on, otherwise finishing putting on their costumes.}

CHAOS: Are you all ready, my dudes?

GARFIELD: Distinguished Guests, we turn this Fundraiser...

{Garfield puts on gold sunglasses.}

GARFIELD: ...into a Hellraiser!

{All seven of them walking out of the store in their Heist outfits, while the chorus of Hellraiser by Ozzy Osbourne plays. Headwiz gets into the van, while Chaos, Lex, Tracy, and Volkov all squeeze into a four-door muscle car, with Virgil in the front seat. Garfield takes the ice cream truck with him, which tunes into Hellraiser to play a little bit more of the song. Zoom out to reveal the respective distances between the van, the muscle car, and the ice cream truck, as all vehicles head towards the Fundraiser. Then, zoom into the Fundraiser to reveal Stephanie sitting down on a table and looking beleaguered.}

STEPHANIE: {sighs} Carrying this entire Fundraiser makes me wish food would just get here.

{Droll shows up to sit next to Stephanie.}

DROLL: Long day?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. I could use a stiff drink.

DROLL: I prepared my contacts with the Loa for today, in case anything gets hairy.

STEPHANIE: Thanks. We might need it, honestly. I don't know what Security everyone else is packing, but I want this to go perfectly, for the good of all of Towningdale and San Crystal-balls.

{Droll raises a brow.}

STEPHANIE: Yes, I am putting the entirety of Republic Island on my shoulders.

DROLL: Your back is going to break.

STEPHANIE: I care not for that. It's kind of hard to trust D'Arque's sponsors, so when I want something done right...

DROLL: gotta do it yourself. I understand fully.

{Droll takes out another teacup and offers it to Stephanie.}


{Stephanie nods.}

STEPHANIE: I think I've made tea with scotch in it before...

{Stephanie takes the teacup and goes to find some scotch to put inside it. Pan over to Xavier D'Arque who is on stage, presenting to a large crowd of important-looking people. Of the faces in the crowd, the Mayor of Townindale is one of them, along with Sarah Khouroushi and the Rosenberg family. Dahn is in the corner of the stage, playing funky 60's-style background music.}

XAVIER: Haha, wow! What an audience! Thank you all for coming here tonight; none of you know how blessed I am to see you all here. To see all the people who want to make Republic Island a better place, it brings my heart joy. It really does. I see friends, I see family, I see people from all around, and I appreciate them all.

{Xavier points to his wife, who is sitting at one of the front tables.}

XAVIER: And of course, my beautiful wife, Theresa, which none of this would be possible without her! She has been my rock this whole time. I love you, Theresa!

{The crowd all lets out an "Awwwwwwww" and claps for her.}

XAVIER: And yes, this is indeed a Fundraiser. However, this is definitely not going to be one of those dull ones like the one my opponent - Republican Bill Petrobucks - hosted. Tragically, I must remind you he wants to build a pipeline through our most beautiful and scenic areas! Frankly, I find that unacceptable!

{The screen splits to show the gang at the front of the Rosenberg Building. Garfield walks in through the front doors in his pimp suit, after showing the guards his ticket. Tracy, in his "Alistair Hawthorne" disguise, follows next with his. Volkov, now in a much fancier suit than his usual attire, follows thereafter with his.}

XAVIER: For this Fundraiser, we chose to do something exotic, as we shall be serving authentic Drow food, prepared by none other than world-renowned chef, Jason Ralston!

{The crowd cheers. Lex and Chaos, dressed in their security outfits, sneak through the building's garage. Cut to Headwiz in her truck, prepping a series of computer monitors and radio equipment.}

XAVIER: People, let me tell you about Drow food. I first had the pleasure of trying it, when I was serving one of my terms in South Syllahona. It was a humanitarian mission, and I was part of a task force to protect a village of Drow under threat from an army of Higher Elves from the North. While living among the Drow, I got to experience their cuisine over the period of six months, and believe me, none of you have lived until you've tasted roast garlic bat and fried yajanana roots.

{Garfield, Tracy, and Volkov all walk into the event room, while keeping separate from each other. Jason Ralston is shown in the audience, clapping proudly.}

XAVIER: Mr. Ralston makes great Drow food, that's all I'm saying. Additionally, we shall be hosting a small auction to raise funds. We're going to have some really cool items, from paintings to sculptures. But of course, all you movie buffs here will be excited to know that tonight we are auctioning off the iconic Battleaxe from the "Battleaxe" action movie trilogy! This is the same one that Grughor Spinesplitter wielded in all three films, while playing Ace Battleaxe. What's more, you can also meet Ace himself. He is currently in the audience!

{Xavier points to an older Orcish gentleman in a suit who is sitting in one of the middle tables with his beautiful human wife and his three beautiful half-orc daughters. The crowd cheers and Grughor Spinesplitter blushes as he waves.}

XAVIER: Thank you for your support, Grughor!

{The crowd zooms out, to reveal Garfield's position inside. He is able to keep himself together, for the time being, though his gaze is transfixed on the Battleaxe on-stage, which the camera cuts to a shot of. Then, it cuts back to Xavier.}

XAVIER: I've talked enough, for now! I will wrap up my introduction speech by thanking Mr. Daniel Moreau, our DJ for this evening. His music can make you move like no other!

{The crowd cheers, as Xavier bows and steps off the stage. The screen split finishes as Garfield and Xavier are in the same shot. Garfield looks to have a built-in microphone closely hidden in his pimp suit.}

GARFIELD: The prick is right there. I'm of the mind to defeat him right here, right now.

LEX: {Mic} Resist, mon! Ya don't wanna blow this thing before it's even begun!


{Garfield looks around.}

GARFIELD: Perhaps I can curb my wrath, with some food...

{Garfield goes over to a food table and gathers some of the Drow cuisine, which includes an assortment of vegetables, meats, and fruits. He finds a table near a bar, using the time to see how close he is to either Stephanie or Grughor's family. Garfield carefully examines the bar, after assessing his situation, and looks a bit crestfallen.}

GARFIELD: Shit, I can't make a Naminade here...

VIRGIL: {Mic} A what?

GARFIELD: Signature drink of mine, which generally uses Japanese sake, Fruit punch, and Jolt Cola for flavour. I sometimes add a-

LEX: {Mic} Best not enlighten 'im about alternate options, mon.

VOLKOV: {Mic} Might be best to explain it when not in public.

{Garfield nods, his silence telling to the others in his voiceline.}

GARFIELD: Instead, I guess I'll have to make an Ichiruki. I mix some strong vodkas and rums with orange juice and iced tea.

VIRGIL: {Mic} Cuz, you're weird. Anyone tell you that?

CHAOS: {Mic} I do, all the time.

HEADWIZ: {Mic} I'd probably give it a much fucking cooler name, but you do you, Bellinski.

{Garfield begins mixing the vodkas, rums, orange juice, and iced tea, much to the bartender's confusion. He then drinks his concoction. Time fast-forwards a bit, to reveal that Garfield finished his food and has several empty glasses.}

DAHN: The first auction of the D'Arque Senatorial Campaign is about to start in five minutes!

{Greedy by Ariana Grande plays, as Garfield gets up to go into the auction. While the song goes on, a montage of Garfield attempting to outbid everyone - including familiar faces such as God Complex, Bruce, and Rosemary Touchdown - on every item being auctioned in the Fundraiser happens. Shots of Garfield dancing throughout the auction's sequences of bids are shown throughout. The montage ends with Garfield sitting with himself at the bar, drinking another glass. Leigh comes and sits at the seat next to him. Leigh motions to the bartender.}

LEIGH: One hard lemonade, please!

{The bartender grunts and nods before turning back to the bar to prepare the lemonade. Leigh is about to turn to talk to Garfield, but is momentarily distracted by the swivel stool. He is mesmerized as he grabs onto the bar to swivel the stool around before releasing his grip, causing the stool to spin.}

LEIGH: Wheeeeeeee!

{Garfield looks at Leigh, who notices him. Suddenly, Leigh's moment of joy becomes embarassment as he struggles to find the words to explain himself.}

LEIGH: I-um- I- oh. I have no explanation.

{Garfield remains stoic.}

GARFIELD: Looks fun, actually. I wanna try.

{Cut to the two spinning around in their stools, as everyone else at the bar sits away from them with intent to ignore them. The two stop, as they are dazed. Leigh laughs, as he picks up his drink.}

LEIGH: Oh man. It's always the simple things.

{Leigh looks at Garfield.}

LEIGH: Hey, hey, wait a minute!

{Leigh's vision of Garfield is admittedly rather dizzy.}

LEIGH: I think I recognize you...

GARFIELD: We've met before, haven't we?

LEIGH: You’re that guy who ranted at me in Deep Speech a couple weeks ago! You look... less annoyed at least. How are you enjoying the Fundraiser? Pretty good, isn't it?

GARFIELD: It's... adequate.

LEIGH: Oh, come on! I helped organize it!

{Leigh pulls out his employee keycard and shows it to Garfield while grinning.}

LEIGH: See? I work here! I did this!

{Garfield nods.}

GARFIELD: Congrats! Was the Drow food your idea, too?

LEIGH: Surprisingly, no. It was D'Arque's. Not too surprising, as I'm not a Drow, but a Human; but I sure love their cuisine!

{Garfield looks up and down at Leigh and squints, as if he has doubts about his ethnicity. He then decides that he's too intoxicated to know and drops it.}

GARFIELD: It is quite extraordinary, yes.

{Garfield looks at the keycard that is now loosely hanging from Leigh's pocket. Suddenly he is hit with inspiration. He looks around the room and then back at Leigh. He points to a random direction.}

GARFIELD: Hang on a squig, is that Betty White?

{Leigh quickly turns his head around.}

LEIGH: What? Where?!

{Garfield quickly grabs the keycard, and stuffs it into his own pocket before running from his stool, leaving Leigh alone. Leigh turns back to find that Garfield is gone.}

LEIGH: Huh. I guess he must be in a hurry.

{Leigh turns to the bartender.}

LEIGH: Another hard lemonade, please!

{Cut to Tracy, in his Hawthorne disguise. He is being escorted into the Security Room by one of the guards.}

TRACY: I 'ope I'm not bein' too much of an inconvenience. You just need to understand that a man of my caliber needs to keep my eyes open. An event like this... there could be trouble.

SECURITY GUARD: I understand entirely, sir. But don't you worry, we have our guys all around here. Security couldn't be any tighter.

{The screen splits to show Chaos and Lex in their security guard disguises in the utility elevator, with two large duffel bags each. The elevator reaches the event room floor, and the two leave through the doors. In the security room, Tracy is making small talk with the guard, who isn't paying any attention to the monitors. Tracy leans on the machine, covertly plugging the device into one of its slots.}

SECURITY GUARD: I plan on being one of those rich folks one day. I'm gonna win the lottery, and when I do, I'm totally retiring at the Bahamas. Gotta get me a nice beachfront home, an Elven honey, gonna raise a large family, and spend my days in a hammock while getting tipsy on some Dwarven cocktails.

TRACY: Ah, yes. I own three houses in the Bahamas. It is quite a grand little place, yes.

SECURITY GUARD: Anythin' would be an improvement from my tiny apartment. You know how high rent is in this city? How about $1200 for a one-bedroom with roaches. It ain't fair, I'm tellin' ya.

TRACY: Croikey. I live in a mansion, so I'm not entirely in the know of how that works, but that is kind of a ripoff.

{The scene shifts to only that of Chaos and Lex, who get a message from Garfield.}

GARFIELD: {Mic} Can one of you get over here quickly? I have a keycard.

{Lex nods at Chaos and quickly runs to the event room. Cut to Headwiz, who is looking bored out of her mind until the security cam footage appears on the monitors in the van. When she sees it, she excitedly messages Chaos, Lex, and Tracy.}

HEADWIZ: Alright, you fuckers, I'm in. Make Mamma Murphy proud!

{Split screen on Chaos, who is walking down a backroom corridor and trying not to be spotted by any other security guards, and Lex, who covertly sneaks into the event room, where he is greeted by Garfield, who quickly slips him the card. Lex gives Garfield a thumbs-up and rushes back to Chaos.}

CHAOS: Can you see which room the treasure's in?

{Headwiz looks at one of the monitors which shows a large vault room full of money and other riches, such as jewellery and gold bricks. She looks at the map.}

HEADWIZ: The money should be in Room O-11.

{Cut to Virgil, who is waiting outside in his muscle car. Several Glabal MC members have noticed by now, and have circled around it. Elhera is noticeable amongst this crowd, and she makes herself known by moving within it to approach the muscle car cautiously.}

ELHERA: Hey, there.

{Virgil blinks, and looks around. He sees that there are multiple leather-clad people, who look like they're in a gang of some kind, checking his car out.}

ELHERA: Nice ride.

{Virgil takes notice of Elhera, though he doesn't look too impressed.}

VIRGIL: Well, I did make it myself, but I don't reckon you city folk care too much for details.

{Elhera is taken aback by Virgil's words.}


VIRGIL: Where I come from, it's just me an' this beautiful piece o' machine. And some neighbors, o' course, but they got their own sleeping dogs I let lie.

{Elhera rubs her eyes, wondering if she's seeing something off about Virgil.}

ELHERA: What the-

GLABAL MEMBER: Oi, mate! Ye wanna race us?

VIRGIL: I suppose I ain't got much better t' do for the next few hours. Let's rock.

{Cut to Chaos and Lex. Chaos looks at the hallway doors, which are labeled O-3, O-4, O-5, and so on, until he notices O-11 at the very end of the hallway. Headwiz types some commands into her keyboard, placing a loop on the footage in the hallway and vault room. Cut back to Garfield, who is trying to make his way back to the bar before he runs into Xavier D'Arque and Stephanie. Stephanie looks shocked. Xavier smiles, and forcibly shakes Garfield's hand. Garfield recoils somewhat.}

GARFIELD: Whoa, wha-

XAVIER: I was looking for you! You're the guy who won all of those auctions! Either you have a good taste in movies, or you just really love me. Come here!

{Xavier aggressively puts his arm around Garfield's shoulder and tosses a small camera to Stephanie.}

XAVIER: Picture, now.

{Stephanie nods. She remains silent as she takes a few pictures of the two together. Both Stephanie and Garfield look distraught. Xavier maintains his grip around his shoulder as he escorts him to his own table and invites him to sit down.}

XAVIER: Gotta say, I love your outfit! Very unconventional. What designer?

{Garfield unflinchingly ponders for a quick second.}

GARFIELD: Hakamichi Kurloz.

XAVIER: Unconventional indeed.

GARFIELD: ...say, you don't happen to-

{Cut to Headwiz in the van, listening in on the conversation Garfield and Xavier are having and having her screen show it. She gets out her cellphone, and begins texting all other parties involved the information. Time fast-forwards to the end of the conversation.}

XAVIER: Your curiosity is as insatiable as I've been told.

{Xavier winks at Stephanie, who rolls her eyes impatiently. Garfield looks around.}

GARFIELD: Oh my Tieg... how many Ichiruki glasses did I make...?

{Garfield attempts to get up. He rifles through his suit, and throws a bouquet of red roses at Stephanie. She catches the roses, and looks at them confusedly.}

GARFIELD: I got these for you, Stephiroth.

{Xavier bursts out laughing. Stephanie's eyes smile, but her face remains blank as she hears Xavier's laughter.}


{Garfield turns around, as he "drunkenly" wobbles toward the food tables again. The camera remains on Xavier's laughter and Stephanie's confused look.}

XAVIER: Wait. Do you two know each other?

{Garfield wobbles back, sweating bullets.}


XAVIER: Nah, it's unmistakable, from the way you two look at each other.

{Xavier smiles and looks at Stephanie.}

XAVIER: I guess you do have a life after all.

{Xavier laughs semi-condescendingly, as Garfield's fist shakes.}

GARFIELD: It's been a pleasure, but I really need to go.

{Stephanie raises a brow, then looks down at Garfield's body shaking. A lightbulb appears over her head.}

STEPHANIE: Better idea: Let's go and get you introduced to Grughor!

{Stephanie escorts Garfield to Grughor's table. Cut to Virgil and Elhera, who are in corresponding muscle cars of their own, at a starting line custom made for a particular race.}

FLAG LADY: Race around Townindale's outer border in 3...

{Cut to Volkov, who looks to be doing internal observations of Garfield, as he's being escorted to Grughor's table. He takes out a bulky, blue tower shield that appears to be ice-themed, from aesthetic alone.}


{Cut to Tracy, who continues to be making small talk with multiple security guards, who seem interested.}


{Cut to Headwiz, who appears to be yawning from boredom at how long things are taking.}


{A gunshot can be heard. Both Elhera and Virgil start their engines, and take off. Cut to Lex and Chaos, who are in the vault room and have begun scooping up all the money and riches and putting them into the bags.}

LEX: Gotta say, I'm impressed at 'ow smooth this is goin'!

CHAOS: Don't count your chickens yet, Lex. We ain't in the clear until we're outta here. Headwiz, are we still doing good?

HEADWIZ: {Mic} You have a bogey coming in your direction. It looks like a Drow. Ya gotta get rid of him somehow.

CHAOS: Oh, shit. We'll move him on.

{Chaos and Lex emerge from the vault room, and are greeted by Leigh, who is holding his crotch and awkwardly tiptoeing.}

LEIGH: Excuse me, do you know where the public washroom is? I lost my keycard, and I am really regretting all of those hard lemon-...

{Leigh notices that the security guard uniforms are clearly fake.}

LEIGH: Wait a second.

CHAOS: Uh...

LEIGH: You two aren't real security guards!

LEX: Shit.

{Leigh notices the fake moustaches on the two of them.}

LEIGH: You look like the Village People!

CHAOS: Uh... yeah! We're part of the entertainment. We're a duo of Village People impersonators!

LEIGH: Well, I'll be damned. But why were you in the vault room?

HEADWIZ: {Mic} Guys, you need to get rid of him. Do SOMETHING.

CHAOS: Uh. We.. um... wanted a space for rehearsal.

{Chaos awkwardly starts singing.}

CHAOS: Macho, Macho, Mannnnn. I wanna be, a Macho Man!

{Chaos does a little dance, but Leigh still looks suspicious. Suddenly, Lex punches Leigh in the face, causing him to be dazed. Cut to Headwiz, watching the chaos unfold from her van. Her screen gradually becomes white noise, as she looks intensely disturbed.}

HEADWIZ: Okay, first of all, what the fuck...

{Headwiz types on a keyboard to see what's going on.}

HEADWIZ: And second of all-

{Cut back to Lex and Chaos. They look to be arguing while Leigh is dazed.}

CHAOS: What the fuck, man!? I had that under control!


CHAOS: I was gonna cast a fucking charm spell on him, you dunce!

LEX: Bitch, ya dropped outta magic school, how the hell are ya gonna cast a charm?

CHAOS: It's a first grade spell, you asshole! I could have done it!


{Leigh regains his composure, and takes a Battel Stance of his own.}

LEX AND CHAOS: Okay, okay!

LEIGH: Yer not gettin' away that easily!

{Leigh does a dive kick that hits Chaos, causing both of them to be surprised.}

LEIGH: Maaaaaaaan, I don't even like combat.

{Chaos is sent a few feet of distance, while Leigh turns to Lex. The two begin swinging at each other, but Leigh's drunkenness proves to be his undoing. Lex exposes Leigh's weaknesses with ease, knocking him out completely. He drags Leigh's body into the vault room, and they carry on loading the bags. Cut to Tracy, who is still smoothtalking the security guard. The monitors show Headwiz's looped footage, but they begin to flicker, showing short bits of the real scene. Tracy begins to panic and attempts to distract the guard.}

TRACY: Do you know what the real secret to being rich is? It's... um... breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

SECURITY GUARD: Really? I tend ta skip breakfast. Not enough time in the beginnin' of the day, y'know?

{The screen begins to flicker some more. Tracy quickly shoots Headwiz a text on his phone, reading "device is failing tell them to HURRY." Cut to Headwiz, who sees her phone and panickedly presses different keys.}

HEADWIZ: Fuck fuck fuck, LEX! CHAOS! You almost done?!

{Cut to Chaos and Lex in the room which has now been completely emptied, except for Leigh's unconscious body and six large gym bags which are stuffed full. The two pick up three bags each and sling them on their bodies, struggling from the weight. Chaos talks into his mic.}

CHAOS: We're done. Let's get outta here.

{The two being to shuffle outside of the vault room, but Lex looks back at Leigh.}

LEX: 'Ey. We need to do something about 'im. Don't wanna pin this thing on him.

CHAOS: That's true. Stuff him in the toilets. They'll think he got drunk and passed out.

{Lex nods.}

LEX: Right, mon!

{Cut to Virgil and Elhera, who seem to be toe-to-toe with each other the entire time. Zoom out to reveal they have passed through nearly every part of Townindale, save for Spook Cliff.}

VIRGIL: Y'know, had I known about half the things in Townindale I might've saved up to move in with Cuzz!

HEADWIZ: {Mic} Uh, Virgil... what the fuck are you doing?

VIRGIL: Some biker gang was scopin' my ride, so I'm killin' some time.

HEADWIZ: {Mic} Kill it faster. We fuckin' have need of you immediately.

VIRGIL: Alright, alright. It just looks like I've got Spook Cliff left, or somethin'. Been readin' this map to get a good lay o' the land.

HEADWIZ: {Mic} Okay, that puts me at fuckin' ease. Maybe you can use your newfound knowledge to help us with a shortcut.

VIRGIL: Don't worry yer pretty lil' head.

HEADWIZ: {Mic} I assume you're trying to be fuckin' endearing.

VIRGIL: I try, I try. If you've still got a lot more "fuckin'"s in ya, I've still got enough in this tank to get us all home safe n' sound!

{Before they know it, Virgil has made it to the finish line before Elhera. This puts him back in the parking lot, with an awkward pause. He looks at the other Glabal MC members, and they do likewise. After a few seconds more, everyone begins cheering Virgil's name. Cut to Headwiz, who can hear the cheering from Virgil's end. A nervous smile creeps up on her face. Cut to Volkov, who has a conversation with Jason Ralston not far from where Garfield, Stephanie, and Grughor appear to be.}

VOLKOV: Ah, Jason!

JASON: Blimey, you're... wait, I should know you.

VOLKOV: It is I, pierogi scientist Volkov.

JASON: "Scientist?"

VOLKOV: There is always science to culinary cooking. It also helps to have skills in case someone hurts themselves.

JASON: I trust my people to be fucking competent enough to not stab their own hands.

VOLKOV: Preparation for any emergency is key to success. That is what I say. It is also what Comrade Bellinski say.

{Jason nods, and smiles. He seems more amused by Volkov, than anything.}

JASON: I suppose there's more than meets the eye to you. As a celebrity chef, I feel kind of humbled. But, you say you are a pierogi chef, yes?

VOLKOV: This is what I said. Not in so many words, obviously.

JASON: Do you cook other pastries? Or are you more the savant-type?

VOLKOV: I have cooked muffins of doom, periodically.

{Jason looks taken aback.}

JASON: I'm sorry, muffins... of doom?

VOLKOV: Usually for LARP my friends do. I bake snacks, observe goings-on, and ensure they do not blow something up.

JASON: Okay... that last one sounds a mite suspicious...

{Volkov lets out a hearty belly laugh.}

VOLKOV: Ho ho ho! You know, it is rather funny, da? I have been in situations like that in real life.

JASON: ...situations in which you talk to people about explosions and muffins at the same time?

VOLKOV: Nyeeeeet, not quite like zat. More like rogue government insurgents trying to start WWIII with global superpowers, but similar. My explosion prevention methods were not as tasty.

{Volkov takes out one of his "muffins of doom," then takes a bite out of it. The Soviet Anthem softly plays in the background to an assortment of gruesome battle noises, as the camera zooms in on Volkov's face, which grows in intensity.}

VOLKOV: Zey were more... I don't know correct phrase, English not best language for me.

JASON: It's alright, I can relate.

VOLKOV: Right now, it smells pleasant, like sugar. In battlefield, nyet, all you smell is blood and death. I close my eyes and I still see. I still hear. I still feel all of it. Nightmare and reality combine into one. The feel of dread as all of your comrades lose their lives, one by one, until you are only one standing. And what is it for? Even I do not know.

{The music stops and the camera zooms out to Jason looking at Volkov with concern.}

JASON: Have you, um, talked to someone about that?

VOLKOV: I see therapist every once in a blue moon.

{Volkov shrugs.}

VOLKOV: As Comrade Bellinski would say, "Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk."

{Volkov walks towards Garfield's table, which the camera cuts to. Garfield is carousing with Grughor and genuinely enjoying himself; Stephanie seems to also be in a good mood.}

GRUGHOR: I'm surprised you know about that film! It was only released in Europe, as far as I can tell!

GARFIELD: I'm a big fan! Of course, I would know about "Kobra Kommandos!"

GRUGHOR: Despite the bad press it got, I really enjoyed being in that film. Behind the scenes was an absolute thrill. Rex Thorium taught me about this thing called LARP'ing, you' ever heard of that?

GARFIELD: Oh yes! My LARPsona is "Noxigar Bellinski." I do it sometimes with my friends, Lex and Volkov.

{Grughor laughs, before giving Garfield his business card.}

GRUGHOR: If you're ever in Hollywood, you should contact me. I'm always up for a LARP-fest.

GARFIELD: I would love that, thank you so much.

{Garfield gets the message from Chaos. Volkov shows up.}

VOLKOV: Comrade Bellinski!

GARFIELD: Oh, hey! Uh-

VOLKOV: We must get going. Mama's birthday is soon, and I have to buy ingredients for cake before stores close!

{Volkov winks at Garfield. Stephanie and Grughor look confusedly at Volkov. Grughor stands up.}

GRUGHOR: I've yet to give ya the battleaxe and my autograph! Hold on.

{Cut to Tracy, who gets the message as soon as Headwiz's device shuts down, revealing the real security camera footage. He gets the message from Chaos too.}

TRACY: You know what. I think I feel secure enough about my treasure that I should really be going!

SECURITY GUARD: Huh? But I haven't even gave ya the recipe for my gramma's tamales!

{Tracy suddenly disappears in a cloud of smoke, confusing the security guard who turns around to look at the monitor and freaks out.}


{The guard grabs his mic and talks into it.}


{Cut to Xavier D'Arque, who is in Jacqueline Rosenberg's office.}

JACQUELINE: What, exactly, do you plan on doing once you are elected? You better not raise my taxes.

XAVIER: My dear, I would do no such thing! I understand the importance of business more than anyone. You and I will gain a lot from this deal, I assure you.

{Xavier and Jacqueline both get the message from the security guard. They immediately stand up. Jacqueline yells into the mic.}

JACQUELINE: WHAT?! What the hell is wrong with you? How did you let this happen?

SECURITY GUARD: {Mic} I don't know, Boss! It was there one second, and gone the other! I don't know-

{Jacqueline switches her communication device off. Xavier looks furious.}

XAVIER: Some fucking punks think they can get away with my money, huh? Not on my fucking watch!

{The two bolt out of the office. Cut to Chaos and Lex, who have reached the elevator while breathing heavily from the weight. As the doors begin to close, they can see a group of security guards who are looking around. One spots the two as the doors finally close, and they begin to run down the stairs. Cut to Tracy, who is now in the main event room, and is shifting through the crowd of unaware people as he makes his way out. In the background, Garfield can be seen onstage with Grughor, getting his picture taken and being presented with the battleaxe, along with his other items. Cut back to Chaos and Lex, who are now in the parking lot and running towards Virgil's car. The group of security guards catch up to them as Virgil opens the car door.}

VIRGIL: Guys, get in and let's go!

{The security guards begin to open fire as Chaos climbs into the car on one side, and Lex jumps through the open window on the other side.}

VIRGIL: Hold on to ya britches folks, and try not to piss in 'em!

{Virgil slams the brakes. Cut to Headwiz's van, which is parked in an alleyway within distance of the Rosenberg building. Tracy climbs in through the back. It is revealed that Headwiz is catching the security guards confront Chaos and Lex on the monitors.}

TRACY: Hey, where's Garf?

HEADWIZ: I dunno, he should be here already! I gave him the notice!

{She looks at another monitor and sees Garfield on-stage. Volkov is also present, but at a noticeable distance.}

HEADWIZ: Oh, Jesus Christ!

{Headwiz yells into the mic.}


VOLKOV: {Mic} Drive off without us. Is okay.

HEADWIZ: No, "is" not okay! We need to hurry out!

VOLKOV: {Mic} I can take ice cream truck. Relax.

HEADWIZ: The last time I chose to "relax," it got one of my friends arrested!

CHAOS: {Mic} Just do it. There's probably a reason we took three cars anyway.

{Cut to Virgil, who is speeding the car out of the parking lot as banjo music begins to play. Cut to the perspective of Headwiz's truck as Virgil's car speeds by it, followed by three security vans and Elhera's muscle car. Headwiz pulls the van out and begins driving. Cut back to the perspective of Virgil's car, with Chaos and Lex in the backseat while being crushed by the bags of money and riches. The car speeds through the streets of Townindale while being pursued by the four vehicles. Chaos looks at the rearview mirror and sees them getting closer.}

CHAOS: Shit, man! Can this thing go any faster?

VIRGIL: Y'all tell me.

{Cut to Headwiz and Tracy. Headwiz spots Elhera, through her truck's mirrors.}

HEADWIZ: Wait, how did that sexy stranger get wrapped up in-?


HEADWIZ: Elhera.

{Tracy looks at the same mirrors, and also spots Elhera.}

TRACY: Great, all the more reason for Chaos' past to not catch up with him.

CHAOS: {Mic} Shut up.

{Virgil shifts the gear stick and presses even harder on the pedal. Virgil erratically steers the car through the streets as he is being pursued, paying no regard to signs or other cars. Chaos and Lex are shifting in the backseats, holding the money. As the car moves out of Townindale, Virgil turns the car towards "Nottigen Drive." Lex's eyes widen as Virgil disregards several warning signs.}

LEX: Hey, Virgil... you know where ya goin', right?

VIRGIL: Don't ya worry 'some. I know what I'm doin'.

{As the car goes down Nottigen Drive, it becomes clear that the street is still under maintenance. Lex looks even more concerned.}

LEX: Are ya sure ya know where yer' goin'?

VIRGIL: I know where we're goin'.

{Chaos looks at the rearview mirror again. The vans are catching up again.}

CHAOS: You better do something; they're gaining on us!

{The car is out of Townindale entirely as it is now driving in rural outskirts of the city. As it goes further, a sign can be seen in the near distance, labeled "Caution: Open Ravine." This time, Chaos pays attention along with Lex.}


{Chaos tries to climb forward to take the wheel from Virgil, but is too heavily weighed down by the bags of money. The car speeds into the sign, breaking it entirely, as it speeds onto a long ramp that's on a ravine. The car drives off the ramp and into the air as Chaos and Lex start screaming.}


{Slow motion sequence of the bags of money floating inside of the car as it is suspended in the open. Pan over to show the security vans frantically braking, as they refuse to also jump the ramp. Elhera's muscle car drives further, attempting to jump on the same ramp. Suddenly, the car lands on the other side of the ravine, on another road. Chaos is about to throw up. Virgil looks behind and looks at him with a serious look on his face.}

VIRGIL: Don't you dare.

{Chaos looks like he's having a hard time maintaining control. As soon as it looks like Elhera's muscle car comes to be next to Virgil's, the window next to Chaos' seat opens. Chaos pukes outside, with the camera soon revealing that Elhera was the unfortunate victim. Elhera's muscle car pulls over to the side of the road, as a scream of frustration is wildly let loose. Both him and Lex look distressed as the banjo music stops. Cut to the Mattress Warehouse. Both Virgil's car and Headwiz's truck have reached it around the same time. All of them jump out of the vehicles as Chaos and Lex take out the bags of money and toss them on the floor. Headwiz and Tracy cheer.}

HEADWIZ: Whoo! You fuckin' go, guys!

TRACY: That. Was. Awesome!

{Lex and Chaos don't answer. They collapse on the floor from being inside of Virgil's car. Chaos raises his finger while on the floor.}

CHAOS: Guys... we did it. We got the goods.

{Cut back to Garfield and Volkov. They have finally made it out of the Fundraiser Event Room.}

GARFIELD: Do you think it'll be weird if we took the elevator whilst I hold this bag of items?

VOLKOV: Nonsense.

{Volkov leans in to Garfield's ear.}

VOLKOV: {whispering} Best take it slow. We're likely still being watched. I assume security is tight, and we need to look innocuous.

{Garfield and Volkov fist-bump each other. They both head down a flight of stairs. However, as they head to a lower floor to recuperate, they see a familiar goblin hobbling over towards them.}

DROLL: {hic} Oh, hey. Looks like all this rum I offered t' this Pytreaux loa came in handy, I think...

{A Pytreaux loa shows up, causing the room to warm up considerably. Garfield looks to be sweating, while Volkov doesn't flinch initially. He looks shocked, once he sees that Garfield isn't taking the heat well.}

VOLKOV: Garfield!

{Volkov looks around, for an alternate exit. Upwards, security are patrolling the Event Floor above, and some look to be heading down to scope the area.}

VOLKOV: Shoot. Hang on...

{Volkov takes out the blue heavy Tower Shield from earlier. He sees that the Pytreaux loa is about to breathe some fire at a quite vulnerable Garfield, and motions towards him.}

VOLKOV: Stand back!

{The Pytreaux loa breathes fire, which makes contact with the blue Tower Shield. The fire is rendered ineffective, and the loa's breath diminishes.}

VOLKOV: Wait darn second. Loa from Haiti and Louisiana hate cold climate. This gives me idea.

{Volkov tries making use of the Shield's other properties. Garfield begins taking out Ace's Battleaxe, and tries to take a Battel Stance.}

GARFIELD: I can't let you fight a Loa alone. It could be dangerous!

VOLKOV: Is okay. I'll catch up with you!

{The Pytreaux loa and Volkov square off, in a Mexican standoff. Garfield tries to sneak past Droll, who looks too drunk and too excited by the ongoing battle against Volkov to care.}

DROLL: I've never seen anyone go toe-to-toe with one o' my Loa. You must be a special guy.

VOLKOV: My parents called me "special" many times. So did friend of mine, and just like friend say, "I'm here to make jabronis humble."

{Volkov slams the Tower Shield, "rooting" it to the ground. The area steadily turns to ice, much to the Pytreaux loa's alarm. Droll doesn't seem to care, but Garfield slips and accelerates towards another room with multiple flights of stairs.}

HEADWIZ: {Mic} How long are you fuckers gonna-

{Volkov shuts off comms with everyone else, for the time being. With the area now colder, the Pytreaux loa looks to be weakened considerably. Droll starts to shiver a bit. Cut to Garfield, who looks to be falling down to the bottom of the staircase. Then, cut back to Volkov.}

VOLKOV: Hypothesis: if Loa make contact with below-zero temperatures, then they banish. Conclusion: this very true.

{Droll's Pytreaux loa begins to fade away, much to the goblin's disdain.}

DROLL: Honestly, ice is nice. I was kind of hoping for fire to be drier, though...

{Volkov shrugs.}

VOLKOV: Maybe goblin vodouisant can play with us another time.

{Volkov begins striding towards where he last saw Garfield slip. He looks down the bottom, seeing that Garfield has moved on ahead. Cut to Garfield, who sneaks past Stephanie's security. They are all very much distracted, by footage of Chaos and Lex in their Village People costumes, and what appears to be them dancing. Garfield gazes upon the same scenery, and smiles in amusement.}

GARFIELD: {softly} Heh. Those clever little sneaks. I'm quite impressed.

{Garfield moves on, heading towards the parking lot. As soon as he eyes the ice cream truck, however, his look becomes that of horror. Next to the ice cream truck is an unpleasantly familiar face, wearing a shit-eating grin. Garfield rubs the back of his head, nervously. Big Enough by Kirin J Callinan plays in the background.}

GARFIELD: Hey! Uh... You're looking lively.

{Rosemary takes out two motorcycle tires, which were last seen in their last encounter having dropped because of Garfield failing a spell.}

ROSEMARY: Thanks for the tires. I've done some work on them.

GARFIELD: What did you even do? Besides work on those, obviously. Nice crafts-person-ship, by the way.

{Zoom in, to show the tires have had their shape drastically altered, which looks familiar to Garfield in an uncanny way. Zoom out; he chuckles, and gives a thumbs up.}

ROSEMARY: Thanks! I rode a trolley, taking it to the Lettergate Hotel. I started making some cool friends in Forgeheim! Then, just the other day, some hipsters were nice enough to tell me they saw someone who looked exactly like your wanted poster.

GARFIELD: Hang on, then. Why have I not noticed you around?

ROSEMARY: I kept to the shadows. A drug dealer with a hot dog cart and shitty rhymes was approachable enough, that I could-

GARFIELD: Ugh, that guy's the worst!

ROSEMARY: Got baggage with him?

GARFIELD: Short answer: yes.

ROSEMARY: How about...? Eh, nevermind. You probably don't know the others.

{Rosemary takes a Battel Stance.}

ROSEMARY: I guess I owe it to them that your bounty is still up for grabs!

GARFIELD: I'm sorry, owe it to whom?

ROSEMARY: It doesn't matter! Taste my totally out-of-place steel, you ingrate!

{Rosemary begins charging at Garfield. He sighs, as he reluctantly drops his bag of items and re-equips Ace's Battleaxe. As an indicator of his frustration, Garfield's eyes glow red, which Rosemary immediately notices. She stops charging, for a little bit, to make an inquiry.}

ROSEMARY: Y'know, I've always wondered why your eyes glow red like that. Any particular reason?

GARFIELD: It's not much more than an indicator of extreme anger.

{Rosemary's eyelids lower, as if unsurprised.}

ROSEMARY: So, an Edgelord Quirk, basically.

GARFIELD: I have been told as much, by better people than you.

{The scene resumes as normal, with Rosemary charging into battle with an exhausted Garfield. Cut to Volkov, who is crashing through Stephanie's security, using the Tower Shield as a battering ram. Then, cut to Chaos & co. at the Mattress Warehouse.}

LEX: Hey, Chaos.

CHAOS: What's up?

LEX: D'ya ever just stop about perspectives? Like, how there are those times where ya ain't the focal point o' the story anymore?

VIRGIL: I dunno what ya mean, though I've got a feelin' I might know later.

HEADWIZ: Ohhhhhhhh, you mean like when you're supposed to be the fuckin' big shot but something else takes the spotlight at the very last second?

LEX: Yah. It feels weird, mon.

TRACY: Ordinarily, I'd know what you guys mean, but... that kind of naturally happens in life. I assume it's temporary, and we'll return to our regularly scheduled antics in a moment.

{All of them look at the camera. Cut back to Garfield and Rosemary. The two begin clashing, Garfield parrying tire swings with his axe, and Rosemary dodging axe swings. Volkov can be seen, in the distance, waving at Garfield with the Tower Shield. Garfield reaches out to Volkov using an arm, but Rosemary throws one of the tires and hits it. Garfield reacts badly to the hit, while Rosemary's tire returns to her through levitation. Garfield inhales, and as soon as he's about to scream, a discretion shot is shown of the night sky. Images of cowboys in appropriate hats with anguished looks on their faces begin appearing, with screams of high pitch from them soon following; below the night sky are shots of Maddie in Greater Townindale's area looking at the sky; Ned from atop his tower in parts unknown, while he looks to finish a DDR song; and Jacqueline and Xavier looking out a window and seeing a cowboy screaming in the distance. The camera cuts back to Volkov, who is running towards Garfield.}

VOLKOV: Garfield! I'm coming, hang on!

{Rosemary stretches her arms out, which causes the motorcycle tires to ignite. A Fire Wall begins forming, much to the alarm of both Garfield and Volkov. Garfield turns around, and has his unharmed arm lift the Battleaxe. He does a stance on the ground, and performs a dash attack through Rosemary. The end result is an awkward silence between the combatants, until one of her arms is chopped off. This causes the Fire Wall to immediately fizzle. Cut to Stephanie, who has just emerged from the Rosenberg building into the same parking lot, looking at the events from a distance.}

STEPHANIE: Ah, crap.

{Garfield turns around, seeing what he has done. His eyes widen, but still glow red.}

GARFIELD: Shit shit shit shit-

{Rosemary collapses on the ground, unconscious. Garfield approaches her. He places two fingers to her neck, to check her pulse.}

GARFIELD: She still has a pulse, but I have violently fucked up.

{Volkov arrives. It is not long, before Stephanie begins following suit.}

VOLKOV: Garfield! Who was that?

GARFIELD: Rosemary Touchdown.

{Garfield starts to collapse himself, with one of his arms tellingly broken.}

VOLKOV: My Gorbachev, is this one of your LARPs?

GARFIELD: I wish it was just a LARP. No, I need help ensuring she's stabilized. I will not have blood spilt on my hands, this day.

{Volkov looks at the fainted Rosemary, then rushes over to the ice cream truck. He returns, with a big green NOXCORP first aid kit.}

VOLKOV: This okay?

GARFIELD: Yes. I'll still need to take her to a hospital, but she'll at least live.

{Fast-forward. Volkov, now in a scientist's coat over his formal attire, has helped Garfield with stabilizing Rosemary. Stephanie looks on, from a distance.}

VOLKOV: Why help her, if she try to kill you?

GARFIELD: I've always wanted to befriend one of my Bounty Hunter rivals. The last time I tried, there was a different person in the beaches of San Crystal-balls. Despite falling into a lot of her sand pits, and her generally giving me a hard time, I saw her as worthy of my friendship. It's just that she-

{Garfield closes his eyes, and sighs. As he proceeds to divulge more on the subject, the camera cuts to a younger Garfield in San Cristobal's beaches. He witnesses Death, in similar attire to what she wore previously, floating over one of the sandpits as a massive explosion causes sand to pour into it.}

DEATH: I'm sorry, Garfield. It was just her time to go. It's not your fault.

GARFIELD: You can lie to yourself, and your minions. But don't lie to me.

{Garfield jumps into the sand pit, as he hears police sirens. Death vanishes.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} I guess I'll have to bury her in Spook Cliff, with the others wronged by my Wizard archenemies...

{Cut back to the present. Volkov pats Garfield on the back.}

VOLKOV: Maybe you can make robotic arm for Yankee Archmage-wannabe?

GARFIELD: I'll try. A letter of apology for the harm I've caused her directly will also be necessary.

{Stephanie clears her throat.}

STEPHANIE: I'm still fairly scared for your well-being, but that's a feeling I've always had when we were in Bluehaven. That said...

{Stephanie frowns.}

STEPHANIE: ...I don't get what it is you're up to. With all of this, I mean. I can see the idea of being diplomatic, but to take on someone like you usually means diplomacy has all been kicked off the table ages ago.

GARFIELD: One more thing.

{Garfield rifles through his pockets, and gives Stephanie a glowing purple plush heart.}

STEPHANIE: Is that a-

GARFIELD: Katawa Heart? Yes. It took me five-or-so years in the making.

{Garfield gives her the Katawa Heart. She looks in awe of it.}

STEPHANIE: Wow. I'm... flattered.

{Her face reddens slightly.}

GARFIELD: I'm sorry I picked a bad time for this.

STEPHANIE: Eh. I've gotta jet, anyway. Something came up, and I have a hunch whoever caused it was trying to use you as a distraction of some kind.

{Stephanie shakes her head, and waves a hand of dismissal.}

STEPHANIE: I should probably head back, before D'Arque sees us and gets ideas.

GARFIELD: Like how to run an asylum? D'Arque's the kind of name for an asylum owner.

{Stephanie raises a brow.}

STEPHANIE: I thought of something else... but yeah. I could see you thinking that.

{Garfield gives a thumbs up, his Edgelord Quirk finally dissipating. He lifts Rosemary's body, and places it inside the truck. Volkov and Garfield begin preparing to take off, with the latter taking his auction winnings and the no-longer-on-fire motorcycle tires into the back of the truck. Stephanie looks at their departure, waving a sad goodbye.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} Let's just hope I don't have to make amends with anyone else, for now...

{Fast-forward, to show Stephanie re-entering the Rosenberg building. The Fundraiser is over, and she reconvenes with Xavier D'Arque and Jacqueline Rosenberg. They all enter the men's bathroom, to see Leigh, who is flopped over in an toilet stall. As he wakes up, he sees the two faces staring at him with anger. He blinks a few times.}

LEIGH: Hey guys... what's up?

{The screen cuts to black, signaling the episode's End.}