Wikihood/eps/4

Summary

• Leigh does handsomely on the first day of his job, despite a hangover.
• Chaos tries putting an old ski masque to good use once again, but gets a wardrobe makeover courtesy of the Skied Off store.
• Garfield's time at NoxCorp yields good results.
• Xavier D'Arque is introduced.

Transcript

{Open to Leigh's apartment at 6:00 AM. His alarm clock begins to buzz. Leigh wakes up, looking groggy and squinting. He looks at the alarm, and peels the bedsheets off. He sits at the edge of the bed and looks at his phone. Cut to a shot of his phone, showing several new texts from Jules. One of them reads "awesum night, fam!", accompanied by a selfie of the two, looking obviously drunk and grinning widely. Leigh chuckles at the picture.}

LEIGH: Look at that. I made a new friend and got a new job.

{Leigh winces as he grabs his forehead in pain.}

LEIGH: And I made the wise choice to drink the night before. Go me.

{Leigh gets up from his bed, and finally turns off his alarm. He gauges himself.}

LEIGH: Don't need to puke, that's good. Still need to shower, that's... definitely necessary.

{Leigh shuffles over to an old-looking stereo on his dresser. Examining the stereo, he presses the radio button. The radio announcer sounds exactly like someone doing a Jim Carrey impression.}

RADIO ANNOUNCER: AAAAAAAAALRIGHTY THEN. I AM TIM ZARREY AND YOU ARE LISTENING TO HOLLYWOOD RADIO, THE ONLY STATION WHERE THE STARS PLAY THE HITS! We're gonna start this morning off with a 90's classic. We got ourselves some Briiiiiiiiitney Spears! And folks? Y'all have a good morning now, and, in case I don't see ya... good afternoon, good evening, and goooooooooooooooood niiiiiiiight!

{Leigh strikes a pose as the first few notes of ...Baby One More Time begin to play. He swags over to his bathroom. Cut to his top half in the shower, where he's mouthing along to the lyrics with his eyes closed, grooving hard to the song. Pan out to an above shot of the wigmaker's shop. The camera moves, to pan to the front room of Chaos, Lex, and Garfield's apartment. Lex has just appeared on-screen, wearing a tie with a picture of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, and John Malkovich on it. Chaos is sitting on the couch in his pajamas, watching the morning news and eating from a tub of ice cream. Garfield is nowhere to be seen. From the couch, Chaos turns to Lex, shooting him a look of confusion.}

CHAOS: ...I thought you were going to wear a red tie?

LEX: Ya, mon. It's my favorite Bruce Willis movie!

CHAOS: Aren't movie homages supposed to be Garfield's schtick?

{Chaos looks around.}

CHAOS: Where the hell is he?

{Cut to a high-tech laboratory. Garfield is casually analyzing DNA samples on a computer. Behind him is a scene of carnage, as scientists are engaged in battle against a horde of giant Venus Flytraps hellbent on devouring them.}

GARFIELD: This is why you shouldn't have let them out of the cage, Jerry!

{A nearby scientist, whose nametag reads "Jerry," responds to Garfield.}

JERRY: How was I supposed to know that they had developed a taste for human flesh?

{Garfield shoots a look of disbelief, at Jerry.}

GARFIELD: Have you never seen Little Shop of Horrors?

JERRY: But those were aliens, Garfield!

GARFIELD: It's the same principle!

{Garfield can hear the agonized screams of his fellow coworkers, through an intercom. He takes deep breaths, trying to tune everything out just long enough to not be emotionally overwhelmed.}

GARFIELD: Hold on, I can do this... Just give me a second!

{Garfield pours some colored vials of liquid into a machine while he types on the computer. After a couple of seconds, the machine makes a "ding" sound. It pours out a glowing green liquid, into a cup. Garfield transfers the green liquid into an aerosol spray, and puts goggles on. He strolls over to a scene of a plant in the middle of devouring a scientist, and sprays it with the formula. The plant freezes and spits the scientist out, who emerges alive and well. Garfield sprays the formula all around the laboratory, prompting the plants to cease their attacks on the scientists, and become docile. He then gently leads the plants back into their cages; then, he goes back to his computer, once the dust has finally settled. Cut back to Chaos and Lex.}

CHAOS: On second thought, why'd I even bother to ask?

{Lex shoots Chaos a concerned look.}

LEX: C'mon, give us - and Townindale - a chance, mon!

CHAOS: Well, if you aren't going to help us become filthy rich...

{Chaos takes out a ski mask. Lex stiffens, upon seeing it.}

LEX: Townindale isn't supposed to have a recidivism problem! Won't you get in trouble with your parole officer?

CHAOS: My what?

LEX: Parole officer. Don't you have one?

CHAOS: You act like those guards gave a shit. They wanted me out of there as much as I wanted me out of there.

{Lex takes a moment to digest what Chaos is saying. He lifts a finger, as if in the midst of a thought.}

LEX: I... I...

{Lex lowers his hand, as if defeated.}

LEX: Don't do anything reckless.

{Lex walks offscreen, saddened by his friend's troubling behaviour. Cut to Leigh, on his first day at his job. He enters the Rosenberg Industries building, to be immediately greeted by Jacqueline Rosenberg on the ground floor.}

JACQUELINE: Greetings, Mr. More. I see you're here right on time.

LEIGH: Haha, of course! Nothing's gonna stop me from doing this job, Miss Rosenberg!

JACQUELINE: I'm almost impressed.

{Jacqueline's face contorts into an obviously-fake smile.}

JACQUELINE: Anyway, shall I show you to your office?

LEIGH: Yes, please!

{Jacqueline leads Leigh to the elevator. As the doors are beginning to close, Jules can be seen attempting to catch it, before it's too late. Leigh is about to press the button on the panel to open the doors, but Jacqueline instinctively moves his hand away.}

JACQUELINE: First lesson, Mr. More. You cannot do things for other people. If they cannot help themselves, it is their responsibility. My nephew can wait for the next elevator.

{Jacqueline presses the button for Floor Thirteen. As the elevator moves upward, there is an awkward silence.}

LEIGH: Gee, haha. Remember when elevators had music? That was wacky, huh?

{Jacqueline does not answer, as the elevator keeps moving. Finally, it lands at its destination and the doors open, revealing a large depressing room with individual cubicles.}

JACQUELINE: Follow me, please.

{Jacqueline leads Leigh to a cubicle at the far end of the room, next to a window. On the opposite side of the cubicle, a large Orc of 7'2" is seated at his computer. His large size dwarfs the environment around him. Jacqueline points to an empty chair at a computer.}

JACQUELINE: This is where you shall be working, and this... man here is one of your coworkers. If you have any inquiries...

{Jacqueline's fake smile widens.}

JACQUELINE: ...please don't hesitate to contact me.

{Jacqueline's fake smile fades as she walks away, leaving Leigh alone with his new coworker. The Orcish man turns his chair around to face Leigh, who is immediately intimidated by his large size. He flashes a toothy smile and puts out a hand for Leigh to shake. Leigh reluctantly puts his hand forward, expecting it to be crushed. To his surprise, it is delicately shaken. The Orc begins to speak, revealing himself to have a thick Scottish accent.}

ORC: Another non-human, finally!

LEIGH: Y-you have me mistaken, I-I'm human, I-

ORC: Me name's Gronuruwd Gorehammer, be ye' can call me Gordon! Y'know how refreshin' it is t'see another non-human around 'ere? I like this job, but the facilities are a bit too wee, y'know? What's ya name?

LEIGH: My name's Leigh More, and I-

GORDON: Claymore, y'say? That's a badass Drow name if I ever 'eard one. Y'know what? I think we're gonna get along swimmingly. Ya new in town?

LEIGH: Well, I originally come from-

GORDON: I come from Glasgow, me'self. Well, wee little town in th' greater part, called Bishopbriggs. Y'heard of it? Ya, me and me' folks were th'only non-'umans. Needless t'say, I was picked first in every sport, regardless of whether or not I was actually good at them, y'know? Any similar experiences?

LEIGH: I get a lot of people being sorely mistaken with my species, it's rather frustrating how-

GORDON: Aye, it's a frustratin' experience. Most 'umans mean well, but ye' can't 'elp but think they see ye as the other. And bein' an Orc in a human society, all me' cuzzins' used t'jokingly call me "Gronuruwd the Human Boy." Just because I dinnae live in a hut, y'know? Ah. But don't ye' worry y'some, I understand ye. This was a good conversation, aye?

LEIGH: Uh...

GORDON: But I gottae get back t'work. You know what t'do, eh?

{Cut to Chaos, walking in Downtownindale. He has his ski mask in his hand.}

CHAOS: Alright, alright, alright. I'm gonna hit the jackpot tonight.

{Chaos shoves his ski mask into his back pocket, and enters a shop called "Skied Off". He studies everything curiously, taking notes of where security cameras are placed, what items in the shop are the most valuable, and doing a population count of potential witnesses. A singular employee spots his ski mask in his back pocket, and approaches him.}

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me sir, may I see that ski mask?

{Chaos is surprised by the employee, and nervously turns to face him.}

CHAOS: Oh, uh, that old thing? I've had that for years.

{The employee, whose nametag reads "Joseph," studies Chaos' current ski mask.}

JOSEPH: Oh, believe me, I can tell from just a glance. That ski mask in your pocket is so three years ago. Clearly, you must be in the market for a new one!

{Chaos waves his hands, in protest. He looks nervous.}

CHAOS: No, no! I'm just browsing...

{Joseph smiles.}

JOSEPH: Nonsense, my good man! You clearly need some new gear! If you need a new mask, you need a new everything...

{Joseph already has Chaos' mask in his hand. He is diligently looking over it, again.}

CHAOS: How did you-

JOSEPH: A funny thing about this bandit ski mask...

{Joseph's smile widens.}

JOSEPH: I heard a guy got caught trying to rob a casino with one of these a few years back.

{Chaos' face becomes pale.}

CHAOS: Yeah... funny that...

{Joseph's expression becomes more contemplative, while his mood is still high in elation.}

JOSEPH: I know just what you need.

{Joseph crumples Chaos' mask in his hands, obscuring it from his view. When he opens his hands, he is holding a brand new ski mask.}

JOSEPH: Behold: The Mask. Minimalistic design, at extravagant prices.

{Chaos looks stumped, as he looks at the new ski mask.}

CHAOS: It looks exactly the same.

JOSEPH: Ah, but that's where you're wrong, my good man. It's simply a better mask. I assure you it will be like no other mask you have ever worn. Why, just try it on!

{The mask has seemingly disappears from Joseph's hands, as a close up of them are shown.}

CHAOS: Where'd it go?

JOSEPH: You're already wearing it, my dear boy!

{Cut back to the two, as Chaos quickly puts his hands to his face several times.}

CHAOS: Holy shit! You... It feels really nice, actually.

JOSEPH: Of course it does! It's just so perfectly you, don't you agree?

{Before Chaos can respond, Joseph lifts a hand to interrupt him.}

JOSEPH: Of course you do. Now, I simply can't let you walk away with just The Mask, a man like you needs a whole new set of gear. Follow me.

{The two men go through the store as different items from the different sections seemingly put themselves in Chaos's hands. Cut to Leigh, who is taking a phone call.}

LEIGH: Okay, so if I am getting this right, you would like the Rosenberg Association to support your candidate's campaign by allowing the use of the event room for a rally, correct?

{The screen splits, showing the other end - a familiar young Asian woman, in business attire.}

STEPHANIE: Correct!

{Leigh hums in approval.}

LEIGH: Mmmhmm, okay, mmhmm. Okay, I just need to send a memo to the CEO... So he's announcing it today, huh?

{Leigh types on the keyboard a few times and clicks the mouse.}

STEPHANIE: Well, he's about to. We need an endorsement from Rosenberg herself, first.

LEIGH: An endorsement? Oh my, I um, you might need to ask her directly.

STEPHANIE: Is there any way for word to get to her through e-mail? You can forward it to her.

LEIGH: Oh, okay. I can definitely do that. What's your name, again?

STEPHANIE: Young. Stephanie Young.

LEIGH: Stephanie? Alright. I've got it, and it's about to be sent. Do you want me to include your contact details?

STEPHANIE: I can't think of a reason to do that.

LEIGH: Oh, okay. That makes sense. Alright, it's sent. Anything else?

STEPHANIE: No, thank you. Have a good day!

LEIGH: Great! Alright, and you have a good day, too.

{Leigh's perspective takes up the whole screen once again, as he puts the phone down. He shuts his eyes for a moment, and exhales in relief.}

LEIGH: There is no script for when I have to take a call...

{He opens his eyes only to find Gordon, who has rolled his chair right next to him and was in his face the entire time. Leigh is freaked out.}

LEIGH: Whoa! Hey there, Gordon...

GORDON: How was it? That sounded like an important 'un!

LEIGH: Oh, haha, yeah. Some politician wants to use this building to host a campaign rally.

GORDON: Ay, that sounds excitin'! First day on th'job, and ye already did somethin' cool!

{Leigh laughs awkwardly as he scratches his head.}

LEIGH: Y-yeah, haha.

{Cut to Garfield, in an office within NoxCorp. He is greeted by two familiar characters - God Complex, and Bruce.}

BRUCE: Croikey, Garfield! You did a good number out there today.

GOD COMPLEX: {flatly} It is not often we see DNA tests for Orc superfoods go smoothly.

{Garfield turns to the two of them. Black circles have formed around his eyes.}

GARFIELD: Ah, yes! I am thankful for-

{Garfield unconsciously swings his body like a pendulum, while still sitting in his chair.}

GOD COMPLEX: {flatly} Are you okay?

{Garfield's eyes widen, as if snapped back to reality.}

GARFIELD: Has it been my lunch break yet?

{God Complex and Bruce both look at a nearby clock on the wall.}

BRUCE: Mate, it's basically time to clock out.

{Garfield blinks.}

GARFIELD: It is? Huh. It appears I... didn't...

{Garfield looks away from God Complex and Bruce.}

GARFIELD: I wonder how Lex is doing...

{Cut to the Mattress Warehouse. Lex is sitting alone at a cashier booth near the entrance of the shop. "Human Nature" by Michael Jackson is echoing through the intercom, and he is humming along to it. Zoom out to reveal that the shop is absolutely massive and practically empty, save for several mattress displays. Lex is the only person in this gigantic building. Zoom out even further to reveal that the store is sitting in a part of the Industrial District that borders with Spook Cliff. Cut back to Bruce and God Complex, as they study Garfield.}

GOD COMPLEX: {flatly} It appears you ingested your own aerosol spray.

BRUCE: Goggles ain't enough-

{Garfield raises a finger.}

GARFIELD: I'll have you know this stuff is not poisonous!

GOD COMPLEX: {flatly} That is insufficient reasoning to not have prepared better.

BRUCE: You look wasted. Let's take you to your home, Garfield! You at least deserve some pizza...

{Bruce slings Garfield's body over his shoulder, with God Complex following him as they exit the office. Cut to Leigh, who has been flanked as Jules and Gordon appear on his sides, both wearing sunglasses.}

LEIGH: Oh, Jules! What are you doi-

JULES: Shh. You're still on the clock.

GORDON: {whispering} Ey, aren't ye' the boss's nephew?

{Five seconds of silence.}

JULES: AND NOW IT'S TIME TO CLOCK OUT, AND TIME TO HIT THE BAR WITH YOUR BUDDY, JULES!

GORDON: Ah, so it is you, ya rascal!

LEIGH: I was... actually hoping to go home and take a nap...

JULES: Pfft, a nap? What is this, pre-school? Legends never sleep!

GORDON: Och, Julie. Let 'im rest. 'E's 'ad a long day enough as is.

{Jules looks at Gordon, skeptically.}

JULES: We need to initiate our friend here, on how we do things in Rosenberg Industries After Dark.

LEIGH: Wait, I never agreed to-

{Jules crosses arms with Leigh, then drags him offscreen. Gordon winds up following both of them. Cut to Chaos, lugging a bag of skiing essentials down the street.}

CHAOS: Wow, what a great businessman. He managed to get me sweet deals on all of this ski equipment!

{Chaos pauses.}

CHAOS: Wait a second...

{Chaos looks at the bag he's carrying, then pulls the receipt out of his pocket. He looks at it, for a couple of seconds. His eyes widen in astonishment.}

CHAOS: Oh, fuck!

{Chaos lugs the bag back to the street where the store was, only to find that the entire store has disappeared from its spot. An empty space is left, next to its surrounding buildings.}

CHAOS: H-h-h-how?

{Chaos rushes over to an elderly gentleman, and grabs him by the shoulders.}

CHAOS: You! Did you see a ski shop in that empty space, literally like... five minutes ago?

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: Are ya talking about "Skied Off?" Why, that store burned down five years ago! It was after an armed robbery went wrong. The shopkeeper and the thief both perished in the fire; it was all over the news!

{Chaos lets go of the man's shoulders, lifting up the bag.}

CHAOS: But... I... just bought a bunch of stuff from that store... I wanted to return my items...

{The Elderly Gentleman shrugs.}

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: Looks like you're in a bother, then. I could recommend some good skiing locations for you, if you'd like to put what you bought to good use!

CHAOS: I... I think I need to go home, and potentially have a mental breakdown. Thanks... though?

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: Any time, lad.

{Chaos and the Elderly Gentleman both walk away in the opposite direction. The Elderly Gentleman smirks as he walks offscreen. Cut to Chaos' apartment, with the darker window outside indicating a time gap having passed by, since the previous scene. Chaos enters, to see Garfield back home. He looks dazily occupied, with hand-crafting a plush of a purple heart at the dinner table. Next to Garfield is a box of pizza with his name on it, with the inked letters from the Russian alphabet. Chaos examines his surroundings, before shooting a glance at Garfield.}

CHAOS: I don't suppose you enjoy skiing, do you?

GARFIELD: I've never tried it, myself.

{Chaos looks at Garfield, with an expression of annoyance.}

GARFIELD: Right now, I'm creating a Katawa Heart. It's said that by making one of these, you can-

CHAOS: I'm going to go to bed.

{Chaos proceeds to flop face-first onto the couch.}

GARFIELD: It's only 5:30 PM, though? Aren't you going to have dinner?

CHAOS: Nah, I don't need food. I already ate shit.

{Garfield looks at Chaos confusedly.}

GARFIELD: That... doesn't sound like a particularly appetizing meal...

{Chaos lets out a pathetic whale-like cry, as he puts a pillow on top of his head. Suddenly Lex bursts into the living room.}

LEX: HEY, HONEEEEYYYYS, I'M HO-OOOOOOOME!

{Garfield makes a pistol-hand gesture at Lex.}

GARFIELD: Fantastic I Love Lucy reference!

{Garfield and Lex high-five.}

CHAOS: UGHHHHHHHH- I LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF FEAR AND MISERY.

{Lex notices the bag of skiing essentials.}

LEX: How'd you remember that I love skiing!?

CHAOS: UGHHHGHHHHH.

{Unaware of Chaos' presence, Lex does a running-jump onto the couch, causing some part of Chaos' body to crack. Chaos groans. Lex picks up the remote and turns the television on, showing it on the news channel. The reporter, a Middle-Eastern woman in her mid-30s, is reporting on an event in a sunny coastal city.}

REPORTER: I am Sarah Khoroushi of TDTV, and we are currently live in Downtown San Cristobal where former District Attorney, Xavier D'Arque, is rumored to announce his campaign to run for Republic Island's Senate seat in Washington.

{Chaos looks at the television screen.}

CHAOS: Ughhhh, politics. Turn it off.

{Lex is about to pick up the remote, before Garfield rushes in and snatches it.}

GARFIELD: No, don't change it! This is actually really interesting! This town has history; it was founded by one of D'Arque's ancestors! I think he's coming!

{On the television screen, a gentleman steps onto the stage, prompting masses of screaming and cheering by his adoring fans. He is tall, physically fit, and notably Hollywood-handsome, with a well-chiseled jaw, golden-blonde hair, pearly-white teeth, and a radiating smile. Next to him is a young Asian woman, holding a clipboard.}

GARFIELD: Is that... Stephanie?!

CHAOS: Who?

GARFIELD: One of my college buddies, whom I've contacted recently.

{Garfield smirks.}

GARFIELD: It appears she's done well for herself.

{Shift back to the television. Stephanie hands the man her clipboard and he shakes her hand, before standing at the podium.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: This is it, folks. This is the definitive moment. Xavier D'Arque is about to make his speech.

{The man clears his throat before flashing a beautiful smile to his fans.}

XAVIER: Ho boy, we're really about to do this, huh folks? Lemme say, before I make the big announcement, I just want to thank my beautiful wife and my beautiful children.

{Xavier turns behind and motions his family to come on-stage with him. His wife appears with two young children, one boy and one girl, both around eleven and thirteen years old, respectively. The crowd acknowledges them with an "Awwww."}

XAVIER: My beautiful wife, Melinda D'Arque... we have been married for thirteen years, and every day since then has been an adventure.

{Cut back to the three watching this.}

CHAOS: You know when you instantly hate a guy for looking too perfect, because it's obvious he's making shit up?

{Lex shooshes Chaos, who groans in response. Cut back to the announcement.}

XAVIER: Today is a special day. Not just for me, not just for my family, but for us. We did this. I ask you-, no. I beg you all to join me on my journey, as I officially announce that I shall be running in the election to become Republic Island's newest Senator. With your support, I have no doubt that we can do this. I aim to win this competition, and when I do, I will be your Senator. You will all be my boss, and we shall make a new mark on Washington. With your support, we will win this, and when we do, well... I don't know...

{Xavier turns to his wife, then back into the podium.}

XAVIER: Let's just say that my ambitions don't just stop at the Senate!

{Xavier laughs. Everybody in the crowd laughs along with him.}

XAVIER: Don't get me wrong, there's still some time until then! But yeah, whew, we are going to make this happen, my friends.

{Xavier flashes a peace sign at the cheering audience before giving his wife a kiss on the cheek and escorting them behind stage, with Stephanie following him. Reporter Khoroushi appears back on-camera.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: There you have it, folks. Xavier D'Arque has now officially entered the race for Senate, to a cheering crowd of hundreds. Notable for being a member of the prestigious D'Arque family, Xavier D'Arque is a direct descendant of Townindale's very own Donovan D'Arque, who helped establish the town in 1789, and was even responsible for the construction of Townindale's Gauzy Girl Theatre in-

{The television shuts off, as Chaos managed to grab the remote from Garfield.}

CHAOS: What a load of bullshit. I could actually smell the lies from the television screen. Who does this douche think he is? Some bougie "fortunate son" thinking he has the right to come in and run for public office?

LEX: Every citizen has the right to run for public office, Felix. It's in the-

CHAOS: Yeah, yeah, I know, but... still. That wholesome persona is such a facade.

GARFIELD: Regardless, it's a welcome change, from what we got with our current President Kardashian-West.

{Garfield sneers.}

CHAOS: I can almost guarantee that D'Arque guy has some weird shit going on behind the scenes.

LEX: Y'know he's helped San Cristobal out with its gang problems, right? An' he's an army veteran!

GARFIELD: It doesn't even matter if the guy's fake. The alternative Senatorial Candidates are all shit, especially by comparison. He's under the Democrat ticket, which is acceptable for me.

CHAOS: Pfft. Whatever. Politics can suck a fat one, anyway. You know what's more important than politics?

{Cut to Leigh, Jules, and Gordon. They are all at The Angry Bull, waiting for the sports game to come on.}

GORDON: The San Cristobal Conquistadors are playing a game against the Giants!

JULES: Oh shit, no way? Won't this be Theros Torcan's first proper game since his comeback, too?

GORDON: Ye!

JULES: Fuck yes, we are DOING THIS.

LEIGH: Um, go sports team?

{The sports game turns on. Then, it cuts to the facial expressions of the three characters - Jules and Gordon look excited, while Leigh looks mildly amused. Cut to Leigh's apartment on the next day, at 6:00 AM. His alarm clock begins to buzz. Leigh wakes up, looking even groggier than before. He looks at the alarm, and peels the bedsheets off. He sits at the edge of the bed and looks at his phone. Cut to a shot of his phone, showing several new texts from Jules and Gordon. One of them reads "Ach, that was fuckin mental! Leigh, ya mad lad!", accompanied by a selfie of the three, looking obviously drunk and grinning widely.}

LEIGH: Second day on the job and I made a second friend. I am okay with this.

{Leigh winces as he grabs his forehead in pain.}

LEIGH: And I went drinking the second night in a row. I really need to stop doing that.

{Cut to black. End.}