Wikihood/eps/2

Summary

Who's this incorrigible vigilante and why isn't he a Kingdom Hearts OC anymore????????

Transcript

{Open to a broad scene of Towningdale, that quickly zooms back into the apartment above the pierogi bar. The scene is voiceless, as it showcases a visual recap of what had transpired - Lex and Chaos awoke to breakfast made by Garfield, and pierogis handed out at the last minute by Volkov - who was passing by at the time. After the pierogis are accounted for, Lex and Chaos wave goodbye to Garfield as they close the front door behind them. This leaves the third roommate by his lonesome. He breathes a heavy sigh - an audio tell of the recap being over - as he watches Lex and Chaos take the ice cream truck out of the parking lot from a nearby, a wistful look in his eyes. After a few seconds of looking out the window, he turns around. He hears the cellphone ringing "Sanctuary" by Utada Hikaru, and heads into his room. On his bed is a cellphone, which he uses to answer the phone.}

GARFIELD: Hello?

?????????: It's been too long, my friend.

GARFIELD: ...Stephanie?

STEPHANIE: Good, you remembered me! I was afraid you wouldn't.

{An awkward pause occurs, allowing the Wikihood logo to appear and disappear for a few seconds. After the logo is gone, pan to a wanted poster on the wall. On it is Garfield in a short blonde wig, a white dress, and what appears to be an ivory notebook laptop tucked under one of his arms. At the sides of his dress, are two crimson laser-scimitars, and a caption reading "Armed and Dangerous." Below the image, is a cash reward which has been scratched out and faded, as if it had to be updated numerous times in the past.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} To forget you would be something I would prefer not to do, if I can help it.

{Cut back to Garfield, who is briefly lying flat on the bed while still contacting Stephanie.}

STEPHANIE: What have you been up to?

GARFIELD: NoxCorp has me working from home for most of my shifts. I come in only when an emergency arises, per Xiorno's instructions.

STEPHANIE: I take it Xiorno is your boss?

GARFIELD: Yep!

STEPHANIE: Good to see that you've been able to work something out with her.

GARFIELD: It's enabled me to do a teensy bit more to spruce up our apartment. I heard we had a new guest, this Edgymancer who keeps calling himself "Chaos" for some undisclosed reason.

STEPHANIE: Edgymancer?

GARFIELD: That's my commando name for him. To put it bluntly, he seems like a surly goth guy. He and Lex go waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy back, at least that's the story I overheard yesterday.

STEPHANIE: At least he wasn't a secret Bounty Hunter?

GARFIELD: I guess. One thing I know Chaos has done so far is act haughty towards Lex. Evidently, they were supposed to live in a mansion by now, with a hot car and, I quote, "a super expensive elf servant."

STEPHANIE: I take it he's not too keen on living things out in the apartment?

GARFIELD: No.

STEPHANIE: Have you had a moment to discuss this with Lex?

GARFIELD: No. The thing about Lex is that his life outside home is... "odd," to say the least. It's hard to read him, most of the time.

{Cut to Lex's job at the mattress store. Garfield arrives with sub sandwiches.}

GARFIELD: Lex, I figured you might've been famished, so I-

{Garfield blinks and looks around to find that the lot is empty.}

LEX: Eyyy, whazzup mon? It's been a slow day, today!

GARFIELD: Lex, there's nobody here.

LEX: Those are the best days, my friend.

GARFIELD: Don't you get bored? Don't you have any coworkers? Or... a manager? Or anybody?

LEX: Hmm...

{Lex closes his eyes, and shrugs.}

LEX: All I know is that I come here for my eight hours and I get my paycheck in the mail. And honestly? That's good enough for me.

GARFIELD: I don't suppose I could... call dibs on all these mattresses? Maybe we can sell what we can't store in the garage.

LEX: You want them, you buy them.

{Cut back to Garfield on the phone. The screen then splits, showing Stephanie's end of the conversation as well. She is in her own bedroom.}

STEPHANIE: Did you buy any?

{Zoom out - on Garfield's screen - to reveal his bed being propped up by at least two mattresses.}

GARFIELD: Of course! I still thought Lex was being conned, so I did some digging and found... that he just has a naturally weird job. Speaking of naturally weird jobs, what are you up to these days?

STEPHANIE: It's a long story, that I know I want to tell you. There's this restaurant in The Underground Market of Towningdale. If you can work your magic, maybe we can race to there and see who gets inside first.

GARFIELD: No promises on the magic, but... as you wish.

{Stephanie and Garfield hang up at the same time. Garfield looks around in his closet, finding a map of Towningdale and some dinosaur action figures. He sets both down on the coffee table. Fast-forward a few minutes, where his setup is complete and he is about to proceed with planning stages.}

GARFIELD: Okay, if I use this long neck eating the star leaves to show where Spook Cliff is, then...

{The door opens as Lex and Chaos enter the room.}

LEX: Garf, we're hoooooome!

{Chaos crawls over to the couch, looking exhausted.}

CHAOS: Oh man, I am pooped. What a long day. I could go for a nap right about now.

GARFIELD: Um, you were only out for just over an hour and a half. It's still morning.

CHAOS: Hey, I had a really stressful and traumatizing experience, alright? Some kids think that I am uncool!

LEX: I don' get why ya care so much!

CHAOS: How am I supposed to do anything useful if I don't fit in?

{Garfield and Lex look at each other, then back at Chaos. They both shrug.}

GARFIELD: I've tried fitting in countless times, and I can tell you it's not worth it.

CHAOS: Like I need tips from a guy who wastes money on luxury items when HE COULD SINGLE-HANDEDLY BUY US ACTUALLY-SUITABLE REAL ESTATE.

{Garfield frowns.}

GARFIELD: Lex and I... we almost bought a house once. We just frankly didn't have the dough to cough up for it, owing to our mutually high standards.

LEX: This apartment is literally all we need, mon.

CHAOS: WE.

{Zoom to Chaos' face.}

CHAOS: NEED.

{Zoom to Chaos' eyes.}

CHAOS: MORE.

{Chaos' eyes gain an additional "fiery" look, which lasts for a few seconds. Afterwards, zoom back out, to normal.}

GARFIELD: I shall exile myself from this conversation.

LEX: Garf, you're doin' no wrong.

CHAOS: Oh, he's very much in the wrong here. IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME ON AUCTIONS, THEN-

{Garfield's eyes glow red. He punches Chaos in the face, knocking him out straight cold.}

LEX: I... I think that was excessive, mon.

GARFIELD: This is generous, compared to the intrusive thoughts swirling in my skull. He shall be spared my wrath, under the premise that we never have this topic come up again.

{Garfield attempts to carry Chaos' body, over to the couch. Lex assists him.}

LEX: We should probably get somethin' from Chief Beef's. I'm hungry, at least.

GARFIELD: For once, I have somewhere I need to be. I will pick something up on the way back.

{Garfield's eyes stop glowing red. He and Lex each split off in different directions, but after a few minutes they re-unite. Garfield is wearing a black coat with some silver zippers and other decorations, with the hood obscuring his face.}

LEX: Wait, you never said where you were goin'!

GARFIELD: I have a date.

LEX: You???? A date????

{Lex tilts his head in confusion.}

GARFIELD: One of my college buddies, Stephanie, has decided to come to Towningdale.

LEX: It's Townindale, mon!

{Garfield shrugs.}

GARFIELD: I've risked tooth and nail for her before. I'd give my experiences a 12/10, and do it again. Besides, I'm headed to the Underground Market. The restaurants there are almost as good as the ones in the state of Disney.

LEX: Right. So, remind me who Stephanie is?

GARFIELD: A dearly beloved friend who saved my life, during college.

{Lex ruminates on the description given. His expression changes to indicate he is partially enlightened.}

LEX: I think I remember you havin' mentioned 'er, truth be told.

{Garfield gives a thumbs-up, through black gloved hands.}

GARFIELD: Good enough for me!

{Garfield puts his hand along a wall, in an awkward pose. A few seconds pass.}

LEX: What are you-

GARFIELD: Hmph. I thought I'd get this "Corridor of Darkness" spell done perfectly by now.

{Garfield lowers his head, in shame.}

GARFIELD: I guess I'll have to travel by other means...

LEX: Why dontcha just use the ice cream truck, mon? It's far more practical than whatever cantrip you're trying t' do!

GARFIELD: I wanted Style Points.

LEX: Another thing; you kind of look ridiculous in that coat, in broad daylight.

GARFIELD: Why, thank you!

{Lex rolls his eyes, initially skeptical of Garfield's taste. However, he gives it a visibly pensive thought. After a while, Lex just shrugs and moves on, as if unsure how to adequately respond.}

GARFIELD: For now, I must bid you adieu.

{Garfield and Lex wave each other goodbye, as the former heads for the front door and closes it behind him. He heads downstairs, to the pierogi bar itself. He and Volkov wave at each other, but go about their respective business otherwise. The shot cuts to the parking lot, where Garfield gets inside of Lex's ice cream truck. As soon as he starts the truck, Tints by Anderson .Paak (feat. Kendrick Lamar) plays in the background. Zoom out to show Garfield driving to Spook Cliff with the windows open and dancing to the song, then taking some turns to head underneath where he previously drove, to go to the Underground Market. Fast-forward to a still-hooded Garfield inside a high-end restaurant, walking towards a booth with a bespectacled Chinese-British woman, in executive office clothing, sitting inside of it.}

GARFIELD: Well, Stephanie, I made it...

STEPHANIE: ...despite my directions?

GARFIELD: On the contrary, I needed them.

{Stephanie gets up, and hugs Garfield, who reciprocates after a second to collect his thoughts.}

STEPHANIE: This is a welcome change of pace for me, compared to how things have been at work.

GARFIELD: ...that bad?

STEPHANIE: That bad.

{Stephanie and Garfield sit on opposing ends of the booth table.}

GARFIELD: Does the fate of Republic Island still rest upon your shoulders?

STEPHANIE: All the time.

{Short pause.}

GARFIELD: Yare yare dawa. Things don't feel any different for me, most days.

STEPHANIE: Oh?

GARFIELD: I haven't been able to do much in the way of vigilante actions. I believe it had something to do with a date I was on, where this guy sold fake pills.

STEPHANIE: {chuckles} Some date that must've been, eh?

GARFIELD: I can assure you that I was nothing but a gentleman towards him.

{Cut to the studio of "DataPatriots." A large, angry, and red-faced man is sitting at a desk, loudly ranting a live television camera while holding a vial of pills.}

ANGRY CONSPIRACY PUNDIT: I'M TELLIN' YOU FOLKS, THE GLOBALISTS DON'T WANT YOU TO BE TAKING THESE PILLS! THESE PILLS WILL STOP THE SHADOW ORGANIZATIONS FROM READING YOUR THOUGHTS AND STEALING YOUR IDEAS! THIS IS AMERICA, PEOPLE!! WAKE UP! THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO CONTROL YOUR MIND, READ YOUR THOUGHTS, AND ENSLAVE YOU, AND ONLY THESE PILLS CAN SAVE YOU!! THE NEW WORLD ORDER IS COMING, PEOPLE!!!!

{Garfield bursts in, wielding ties around his wrists and two holstered, makeshift "Arrowgun" pistols. His eyes glow red as soon as he recognizes the pundit.}

GARFIELD: You phony! Your pills are fake, and your Ponzi scheme shall be exposed, thanks to my current friends:

{Garfield takes out the pistols, from their respective holsters. The left pistol is lifted up and used to shoot the ceiling.}

GARFIELD: Maxamillion...

ANGRY CONSPIRACY PUNDIT: THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!!!

{The man runs offscreen. Garfield looks into the camera.}

GARFIELD: ...and Roxanne.

{Garfield shoots the camera with the right pistol. Cut back to Stephanie and Garfield. Stephanie's face looks a little more pale.}

STEPHANIE: How... how long ago was that?

GARFIELD: I think that was a couple months ago.

STEPHANIE: ...that would explain why your bounty went up.

GARFIELD: I figured that was some sick joke the government was playing on me.

{Stephanie pulls out her phone and types something on the screen. On the screen is an online website which has a modern picture of Garfield in his outfit - the same one as the one from the wanted poster earlier - on the front page.}

STEPHANIE: You can't keep calling these "selfies." Eventually, they're going to think of you as more than just a nuisance. I haven't mentioned you to my boss yet, because I know that - if I did - he would use your vigilantism for his own ends. I couldn't stomach to see you be exploited by others for their selfish gains, not again.

{Stephanie sighs.}

GARFIELD: I value your concern for my well-being.

STEPHANIE: It's not unusual to think that maybe things could've turned out... differently for you.

GARFIELD: You're one of the few people that knows the real me.

{Stephanie looks saddened.}

STEPHANIE: I know.

{Stephanie's expression lights up, as she gets an idea.}

STEPHANIE: Hey! How'd you meet Lex? I think I have an idea.

{Garfield gives it some thought. Cue a flashback, conveyed through a comic book "turning" back to a specific page - a still of both Garfield and Volkov, looking younger. The image remains paused, with a disc scratch being heard in the background.}

STEPHANIE: {offscreen} Wait, why are you talking about Volkov first?

GARFIELD: {offscreen} Context. It was not long after I met Volkov, that I started looking for a roommate, and found Lex in the process.

{Resume, with Garfield and Volkov at the office, in a greyed setting.}

VOLKOV: You wish to have apartment here?

GARFIELD: 'Tis all I can presently ask, milord.

VOLKOV: Can be arranged.

{Volkov takes out some papers. There's a line and some red ink.}

VOLKOV: Sign here.

{Garfield examines the papers carefully, signing only when he confidently understands how the apartment ownership will be handled.}

VOLKOV: Is Wiggins really your surname?

{"Fast-forward" as the comic book "turns" forward a few pages more, to a still of Garfield and Lex, presumptively meeting for the first time.}

LEX: Hey, thanks for answering that online ad of mine!

GARFIELD: Online ad? You mean the dating profile that kind of hints at you being a science experiment to "make the whitest Jamaican ever?"

LEX: That's the one, mon!

{Lex blinks.}

LEX: Wait, why were you looking at my dating profile...?

{Lex looks visibly confused.}

GARFIELD: You were, and still are, giving me 10 Things I Hate About You vibes.

{Lex raises a brow.}

LEX: That's a solid movie, but... this ain't a front just to smoke the ganja.

{The screen pauses.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} I kind of assumed he was a homunculus. I've known so many people named Lex who all kind of appeared and behaved similarly to each other in alarming ways. I have yet to run any DNA tests to confirm or deny this hypothesis.

{Stephanie can be heard offscreen, guffawing wildly. Her laughter fades, as the screen unpauses and the conversation between Past Lex and Past Garfield continues.}

GARFIELD: Good to know!

LEX: You... are fine with me smokin' the ganja, though... right?

{Garfield shrugs.}

GARFIELD: I've no problem with it. I've got relatives in Phoenixshire, who grow their own crops. I personally steer clear of marijuana whenever, due to asthma and second-hand smoke risks.

LEX: Well, if nothin' else, I can make brownies for you to try if you ever get curious, but...

{Lex nods, almost understandingly.}

LEX: I gotcha, I gotcha. Wait, Phoenixshire?

GARFIELD: Yup! Lamentably, the town has moved to West Virginia. I've always remembered Phoenixshire being in Rhode Island.

LEX: I know some people there, I think. In the West Virginia one, of course.

GARFIELD: In my case, I've known many people named Lex. At least seven in my contacts also have names like "Greed Lex," "Gluttony Lex," et cetera.

LEX: Well, you can rule me out as Lust Lex. Also, I'm pretty sure I ain't a homunculus, mon!

{Both of them have a chuckle. Cut back to the present.}

STEPHANIE: I'm sorry, how many people named Lex do you know?

GARFIELD: At least eight. None of them are the Emperor Fullmetal Daddy Lex that I assume is the Original.

STEPHANIE: I... {coughs} Is there any more information on Lex that you're able to tell me?

GARFIELD: Not much, I'm afraid. His life is so odd that I sometimes doubt the current stuff I know about him. I suspect, over time, that there will be more contradictory history thrown at me.

{Stephanie takes a few more seconds, to digest what Garfield is saying.}

STEPHANIE: Hrm... alright, let's see if we can establish a pattern here. Do you know anybody else in Towningdale?

GARFIELD: There's the Bellucci family.

STEPHANIE: Wait, you mean Tracy's here, too?

GARFIELD: Yeah! He runs a mom-and-pop cereal shop aboveground. It's in a different part of towne compared to where Lex, Volkov, and I live. I think... it opened last week?

STEPHANIE: I see...

{Fast-forward to the end of the luncheon, just an hour later. Stephanie and Garfield each had an array of different entrees, which are spread throughout the table. A female Orc waitress has just returned.}

FEMALE ORC WAITRESS: Are you guys ready for the check?

{Garfield nods, and offers a hand. The waitress plants the check on him, and departs. Stephanie's eyes move to look at her.}

STEPHANIE: ...she didn't seem to like us very much...

{Garfield puts the check on the table, and gets out both a credit card and a Point Card. Under his hood, his eyes glow red.}

GARFIELD: I can kick her ass, if she gives you any lip.

{Stephanie blinks.}

STEPHANIE: That... won't be necessary, thank you.

{Garfield's eyes stop glowing.}

GARFIELD: As you wish.

{Fast-forward a few minutes later, to the outside of the restaurant.}

STEPHANIE: My lunch break ends soon. I admit, I lament not spending more time in general with you. Maybe we can do this again some time?

{Garfield nods and gives her a thumbs-up. Stephanie embraces Garfield, patting him on the back. This signals where they part ways; Garfield motions over to Lex's ice cream truck, with Stephanie walking offscreen to parts unknown. He gets inside, and starts the truck. He drives out of The Underground Market, heading through some intersections into Downtowningdale. He eventually parks near Surreal Cereals, gets out the Point Card, then gets out of the truck and steps inside the establishment. Tracy notices the door open, and greets Garfield. Zoom out to reveal they are currently the only two people inside.}

TRACY: Noxigar, you son of a shit! I didn't think I'd see you 'round, ever.

GARFIELD: Once again, Darkheart, you are proven wrong!

{Both of them have a hearty chuckle.}

GARFIELD: I take it you've met Chaos already?

TRACY: Yeah. Upstaged by hipsters, as of a few hours ago.

GARFIELD: Shucks, I missed them again?

{Tracy shrugs.}

TRACY: I wasn't under the impression you'd get along with them.

GARFIELD: Are any of them Wizards?

TRACY: Nah.

GARFIELD: There goes getting a nakama going against Bluehaven's Finest.

{Tracy looks amused by Garfield, but still concerned with the other's well-being.}

TRACY: I thought you weren't the sort of guy fit for "nakama."

{Zoom out a bit, as the screen stretches to show images of Garfield at different ages.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} That's still true...

{An image of a young Garfield, at a time where everyone else around him would be in the third grade, gets placed center and highlighted.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} Contrary to popular belief, it's not easy getting a Bachelor's in Biochemistry at the age I got it at.

{The images on-screen rotate, until a middle-school-aged Garfield stands out and is in the center.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} Studying abroad in East Germany was done while I was undergoing puberty! Yet, why was dealing with my own body harder than anything else at that point?

TRACY: {offscreen} Okay, I'm sure that's not something you alone would be wondering.

{The images rotate some more, until a version of Garfield with the caption "Age: 18" on it is in the center.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} I thought having a Nobel Peace Prize, for curing Kiwic, would make me look impressive.

TRACY: {offscreen} Kiwic was a nasty genophage that nearly wiped out many Humanoid Races.

GARFIELD: {offscreen} But alas...

{The screen fades to black. Then, through use of a theatrical spotlight, a modern Garfield - of him in the same outfit as the one on his Wanted Poster - is in the center. After the fact, it cuts back to present-day Garfield, and Tracy.}

GARFIELD: ...people cared more that I failed to achieve a level of magic on-par with Merlin.

TRACY: Hey, man. Merlin himself is one of the best fuckin' Wizards in the whole world! I wouldn't beat yourself up over not being like him.

{Garfield sighs.}

GARFIELD: Does Bluehaven's Finest treat you any better?

TRACY: I don't bother setting foot on the campus anymore, for more than just the purchase of my scholarly supplies.

{Garfield nods.}

GARFIELD: Good call.

TRACY: I'm not quite done with my endeavours there. I'm takin' it easy, y'know?

{Garfield nods again.}

GARFIELD: Very well. I'm glad to see you've done okay since... well, that incident.

{Garfield looks out the window wistfully.}

TRACY: Wait, the one in 2006? Or...?

GARFIELD: No, no. The one that got me suspended from a Wizard academy and put an end to any career I could've had in Sangromancy. I could've gotten a 26-floor Castle, made a career in Space Piracy that makes the current bounty on my head look like chump change, maybe go to the now whole Germany with some fine company, had sophisticated Korean-American neighbors who wonder why I'm so awesome, recovered that lost dragon figurine... fuck, I'm starting to sound like Chaos. He legit pulled this exact same shit on Lex, and it had me highkey concerned.

{Garfield goes to a booth, and slouches on it.}

GARFIELD: {sighs} At least no new Bounty Hunters have arrived, for a while.

{Tracy sits next to Garfield.}

TRACY: Keep finding those silver linings. I know that's been... difficult...

{Tracy ponders for a little while more.}

TRACY: Well, you definitely haven't hit rock bottom.

{Tracy shrugs.}

TRACY: So, Garfunkel? What'll it be?

GARFIELD: Got any Foul-mouthed Chainsmoking Squirrel cereal?

TRACY: {stifling laughter} I think the only flavour they have that in is scotch and chocolate.

GARFIELD: {sighs} That works for me. I think the chocolate will counteract some of the wood polish.

{Tracy gets a good laugh out of what Garfield said, as he proceeds to get the cereal.}

TRACY: Tell me you want a mason jar with this.

GARFIELD: Yeah, a mason jar sounds about good.

{Tracy prepares the cereal in a mason jar, and gives it to Garfield. Garfield begins eating the cereal, with the frames fast-forwarding through a good thirty minutes. His cereal is finished, and Garfield gets up.}

GARFIELD: It was good to check up on you. But, I've gotta jet.

{Garfield moves to leave Surreal Cereals.}

TRACY: Come back soon! Maybe the hipsters will be here to meet you, once you do!

{Garfield departs from Surreal Cereals, and the camera zooms out to reveal the grand scope of the Downtown section of Towningdale. The next location Garfield enters is a nearby florist shop, but he quickly leaves it with a few bouquets of white roses as he returns to the ice cream truck and drives off. His next destination is, once again, Spook Cliff. This time, it's a different part of Spook Cliff, as he stumbles into a graveyard and a glowing green tree, next to one of the tombstones. The camera zooms in to show Garfield mourning someone, as he lays down the white roses next to it. He audibly sighs, but quickly regrets doing so as a bolt of pink energy grazes his hood, letting it down and showing Garfield's face and blonde wig.}

ROSEMARY: {offscreen, almost-booming} Noxigar Bellinski! About time I found you. You'll pay for what you did in Bluehaven.

{Garfield looks around, wondering who is actually speaking.}

GARFIELD: Who the yiff is that?!

{A blue-haired bounty hunter emerges, wielding a glowing pink katana. Garfield's eyes widen when he sees the katana, while at the same time glowing red.}

GARFIELD: Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

ROSEMARY: What, didn't expect a Bounty Hunter to come at you on hollowed ground?

GARFIELD: No. The pretentious magic from your katana. I should've smelled it by now.

ROSEMARY: Oh, that? That's the power of-

GARFIELD: {snarls} No.

{Gloria by Laura Branigan begins to play, in the background. Garfield takes on a battle stance, with his fists.}

ROSEMARY: Are you seriously unarmed?!

{Rosemary begins cackling, but then takes a serious battle stance herself.}

ROSEMARY: It's such a shame. I was hoping for a challenge.

{Rosemary lunges at Garfield with her sword. He gets grazed on his left side by both pink energy and blade, but doesn't flinch. For her efforts, she eats a round-house kick to the skull, which causes her to drop the metal goggles she was wearing on top of her head. While she nurses the side of her head, Garfield legs it towards the ice cream truck. He makes it to the driver's seat, trying to start the vehicle while it shakes. Garfield hears a distinct dent in the driver's door.}

ROSEMARY: {offscreen} Oh, I did not travel all the way from Serenity, Arizona just so you could run off that easily!

{Garfield tries shifting the car, looking through the nearby mirrors to gauge where Rosemary is.}

GARFIELD: Thanks for telling me where you live, so I can ship your corpse back to your next of kin!

{Garfield puts the truck in reverse, and tries to run Rosemary over. She dodge rolls out of the way, but then sees him put the truck back on forward driving and drive off. Groaning, she motions over to a Vespa moped concealed by bushes and trees, and pursues him. Both of them drive off into the main part of Towningdale. Periodically, a pink bolt of energy is flung at the truck, which intensifies the nervousness of other drivers on the road. Cut back to the inside of the ice cream truck, as Garfield looks in the back. He sees a couple of crimson motorcycle tires.}

GARFIELD: Wait, how the hell did-

{Garfield stares, blank-faced, at the motorcycle tires. Police sirens wake Garfield out of his "flashback." Garfield checks the ice cream truck's mirrors, as he witnesses that police are chasing both him and Rosemary. A lightbulb appears over Garfield's head. He then puts his hood back on, and arms himself with the motorcycle tires. He once again peers outside the window, and sees multiple biker gangs chasing after the police, who are still chasing Rosemary and - by extension - him. His head leans back, as if showing signs of panic.}

GARFIELD: Well, that escalated quickly.

{Sounds of helicopters can be heard in the distance. Above Garfield's head, are six full golden stars.}

GARFIELD: {singing in an attempt at countertenor} If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody calling?!
You don't have to answer
Leave 'em hangin' on the li-ine
Oh-oh-oh, calling Gloria~

{Garfield turns up the volume of the radio, as Gloria resumes playing. He sees a group of trolley tracks along the road, and looks around through the mirrors, to see how everything else is going around him.}

GARFIELD: Time for multi-track drifting?

{The ice cream truck begins to shake, as Garfield feels a vibration along the ground and sees external damage caused by Rosemary's pink bolts of energy. He cracks his own neck, lifting his head both left and right accordingly. He speeds toward the multiple trolley tracks. Zoom outward, to show shocked expressions on the faces of Towningdale citizens, many of whom are taking photographs of the situation at-large. Zoom outward even further, to show that all of Towningdale is pretty much in the know, be it from social media or from people calling each other. Then, cut to Lex on the couch by himself, flipping through channels.}

LEX: Chaos can rest easy on my bed. That was one nasty punch-

{Lex keeps it on a news channel. The scene is angled in such a way that the audience can't see the television screen, but the audio implies that a lot of vehicular stuntwork and explosions are occurring.}

LEX: I did not know my ice cream truck could do that! I don't think I wanted to know that my ice cream truck could do that!

{Lex looks outside, and sees that his ice cream truck - while roughed up a bit thanks to the fight with Rosemary Touchdown - is parked in the parking lot, and accounted for. Garfield is nowhere to be seen, however.}

LEX: Wha-

{Cut to Garfield, who is now in an alleyway on foot. A pink bolt of energy grazes his right shoulder, causing him to stumble into the lakeside. He fully submerges himself in the water below.}

ROSEMARY: {offscreen} If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were more trouble than your worth!

{Zoom out to show Rosemary appearing from the same alleyway, but not in the lake. She is visibly exhausted.}

ROSEMARY: At least your bounty will help buy me a new Vespa!

{Rosemary stabs the lake with her glowing katana, repeatedly. Garfield jumps from a distance, and throws one of the motorcycle tires he was carrying, which hits her straight in the chest. Zoom in, to show that Garfield's blonde wig is completely ruined, and that he overall is looking a little worse for wear.}

GARFIELD: You Yankee Archmage-wannabes never learn.

{Garfield throws the other motorcycle tire at Rosemary, hitting her in the head. Once both motorcycle tires are on the ground, he snaps, in an attempt to levitate them. He succeeds in getting them to orbit around Rosemary for a little bit, but then they drop to the ground.}

GARFIELD: Oh, come the fuck on. Why do these spells always play out better in my head?!

{Rosemary gets up, clutching her chest.}

GARFIELD: ...oh, I recognize you now!

{She lifts a finger, as if to say something. She stops herself.}

GARFIELD: Rosemary Touchdown.

{Rosemary scowls.}

ROSEMARY: I'm not entirely amused by your complete lack of combat skills.

{Garfield tellingly clutches to the part of his left stomach that was previously hit by pretentous pink magic. Rosemary goes over to him, katana in hand. Garfield takes off his blonde wig, and begins noticing that it's completely ruined as a result of how the earlier events with the traffic played out.}

GARFIELD: Okay, you've already ruined my day.

{Garfield gets into another battle stance, holding onto the wig.}

GARFIELD: Time to get serious.

{Garfield and Rosemary attempt to strike at each other - one with katana, the other with fists. Rosemary's swipes and stabs narrowly miss Garfield, but do cause partial damage to his coat and cut his hair into an odd shape. On the other end of combat - Garfield's fists either do not connect to Rosemary at all, or are otherwise parried by her katana. After a while, Rosemary tries to do a katana technique, but Garfield blocks it with the ruined wig. The katana gets tangled in it, much to her annoyance.}

ROSEMARY: Not only have you ruined my bike, you've ruined my blade!

{Rosemary scrambles to get the katana out of his wig, while Garfield takes the time to put his hood back on, and run back into the alleyways of the part of Towningdale he now finds himself in. He scans the area, finding a wig shoppe. He then enters it, and is greeted by the salesperson, who is an old man with luscious brown locks.}

SALESPERSON: Oh, greetings! It's not often I-

{Garfield takes off the hood, revealing his face.}

GARFIELD: It's good to see you, again.

SALESPERSON: Oooooh, Mister Bellinski! It's an honour, indeed.

{The salesperson bows formally.}

GARFIELD: Alas, one of my wigs got torn asunder in a fight against who I believe to be Rosemary Touchdown.

SALESPERSON: Oh myyyyyyyy! Have you been getting into trouble again? Is this one of your LARPs?

GARFIELD: {sighs} If only it was a LARP... then, I wouldn't have felt so bad about the whole ordeal.

{Garfield arcs his back a bit.}

SALESPERSON: Nevermind that. Come, come, come! Let me show you my wares.

{The salesperson walks behind Garfield and pushes him further into the shop.}

GARFIELD: {nervously} I guess I can look for one blonde wig, while I'm here...

{The salesperson looks Garfield up and down.}

SALESPERSON: Hmm... I know what you must have. Would you be interested in some... luscious Elven locks?

GARFIELD: I'm not entirely sure. You don't mind if I browse everything you've got, first?

SALESPERSON: Oh, of course, of course!

{Garfield nods accordingly, and proceeds to browse for a tiny bit. Cut to a montage of Garfield trying on various wigs and hairstyles, until finding a moderate-length pink wig.}

GARFIELD: Well, I'll take this wig that goes with this jacket and a flower-themed blade I expect to find on the Dank Net later... suffice it to say, I didn't find any short blonde wigs.

SALESPERSON: That's okay! I'd be happy to get some in stock, later on!

{Garfield looks around. The wigmaker's shoppe is in partial disarray.}

GARFIELD: I look forward to coming back soon... I might be able to help you with your shoppe, if you'd like?

SALESPERSON: Oh, no! I've got myself a guest staying with me.

GARFIELD: ...you do?

{Garfield looks at the door leading to the back of the shoppe.}

GARFIELD: Is he here? I'd like to say hi to him, if I can...

{The salesperson rushes to block access to the door. In doing so, it opens slightly. A hairy suit can be seen in the background.}

SALESPERSON: He's not here. He's... elsewhere.

GARFIELD: ...it's only, what, high noon?

{Garfield scratches his head. The salesperson quickly shuts the door.}

GARFIELD: Oh... okay.

{Awkward silence as the salesperson grins creepily. Garfield looks around, one last time.}

GARFIELD: Come on, short blonde wig... I know you're here somewhere...

{Garfield sighs, in defeat. He goes over to the cash register.}

SALESPERSON: It's always good to see a regular customer.

GARFIELD: It's an honour to find this wig shoppe on such short notice...

{Garfield reads the salesperson's nametag - Frank.}

GARFIELD: ...Frank. I hope you have time to come by Katyusha's. They make some good pierogis!

FRANK: I'd be delighted to! Well, once I get things sorted out...

{Frank sighs wistfully.}

FRANK: I don't suppose you know any Elves, do you?

{Garfield takes out a 50-dollar bill.}

GARFIELD: Uh... not in this city, at least. Does this cover it?

FRANK: Oh, alright. And yes, of course! But, you'll-

{Garfield waves a hand.}

GARFIELD: Keep the change, good chap!

{Garfield takes the tags out of the pink wig, and puts it on immediately.}

GARFIELD: I should probably find my way back to Downtowningdale. From there, I think I can make it back home to Little Moscow...

FRANK: I hope you stop on by again soon, Mister Bellinski!

{Frank and Garfield pleasantly wave each other goodbye. Garfield exits the wig shop, and puts his hood back on. He tries to find a nearby trolley.}

GARFIELD: Hrm... trolleys would-

{Garfield bumps into someone.}

?????: Oops! I didn't see you there, I'm so sorry!

{Garfield takes a gander at who they are. He identifies the person in question as a Drow-looking Human.}

GARFIELD: I take it there must be a custom for those in this part of Towningdale to dress up in Drow-like apparati...

{Garfield looks lost in thought, much to the Human's confusion.}

?????: What? No man, there’s this Drow tailor down the street who... Wait, you mean Townindale, right?

{Garfield looks taken aback by the Human's correction.}

GARFIELD: Look, I've had a long day...

{Garfield then proceeds to have an entire monologue in Deep Speech, which unnerves the Drow-looking Human in question. There are no subtitles, to identify what exactly Garfield said at this precise moment, and the scenery fast-forwards to the end of said monologue, with a caption underneath Garfield and the Human reading "Twenty-five Minutes Later..."}

?????: You did not need to tell me all of that. At all.

{The Human sighs.}

?????: Look, I've got to get ready for an outing later this evening, and have a stern conversation with my landlord, apparently. If you don’t mind, I should get moving.

{The Human departs. Garfield ignores him, and continues looking around for a trolley.}

GARFIELD: I'll probably wind up seeing him again... in the meantime, however... I need to find a way to Chief Beef's.

{Garfield eventually sees a trolley park nearby. He motions toward it, and waits for people to get out of it before heading inside it himself.}

GARFIELD: Good distinguished guest! Does this trolley head to Downtowningdale?

TROLLEY DRIVER: {offscreen} It's going to be a while, but yeah! Enjoy the ride!

{Garfield leans back in the trolley seat, and smirks.}

GARFIELD: Perfect.

{Zoom out to show the trolley moving from where Garfield was located, labelled "Skiverton," to a part of Downtowningdale - equally labelled with a caption. The trolley stops within this part of Downtowningdale, and Garfield gets off the trolley.}

GARFIELD: Thanks for the directions!

{Garfield looks around him, and walks around. He makes specific lefts and rights, and finds himself at a bar known as The Angry Bull.}

GARFIELD: I'm told that Chief Beef's is nearby...

{Garfield locates the Chief Beef's, which is a few blocks away.}

GARFIELD: I know how my night's going to go down, at least.

{Garfield motions toward the Chief Beef's, and then enters. He finds himself in a fine dining establishment, where the staff are all Centaur. Garfield thinks for a moment, to himself, as he tries to find a "To Go" line. Upon not finding one, he shrugs. Cue to a montage of Garfield ordering some food, having a jolly holiday with some of the Centaur staff, and ordering a few alcoholic drinks. He pays for it all using the Point Card, and has a canvas bag set aside for some of the ordered food, labelled "Lex's Chief Beef's Food." He then exits the Chief Beef's, somewhat satisfied. He motions over to The Angry Bull, when he comes across seven armoured Dwarf Hellriders. He waves at them jovially, and they each do a cool nod at him as they bypass each other. He proceeds into The Angry Bull, and sits at one of the chairs near the barstool. One of the bartenders - a Gnome - greets Garfield.}

GUS: Hey, nice getup! What brings you to these parts, and what can I getcha?

{Garfield pauses to think.}

GARFIELD: Do you have a scotch... single malt... speyside... no ice?

{Gus shrugs.}

GUS: Sure, I can make that! Say, you must have quite the eloquent taste, ordering a scotch with those specifics...

{Gus goes over to make Garfield's drink. After a few seconds, the drink is made. Garfield tries the scotch he was given. He winces, but downs it all the same.}

GUS: What's the matter? Not used to scotch this good?

GARFIELD: {coughs} This is some heavy stuff. Do you have anything else?

GUS: Of course!

GARFIELD: Perhaps an apple cider might be more my speed.

{Gus looks at Garfield curiously.}

GUS: Maybe you'll enjoy that better, then!

{Gus goes over to make another drink for Garfield, who tries it and sighs with relief. He notices a high-quality karaoke machine across the way.}

GARFIELD: Is that...? I didn't know you guys had a karaoke machine!

GUS: Ah, so you noticed! We installed it some time ago.

GARFIELD: Holy smokes! Tell me it has-

{Fast-forward to a slightly-buzzed, still-hooded in dark coat Garfield on top of a DDR pad with a microphone.}

GARFIELD: {countertenor singing} When you walk away
You don't hear me say-

{Zoom out to reveal that the machine isn't even on. There's a crowd forming anyway, laughing. One of the other bartenders, a big minotaur named Bruno, shows up.}

BRUNO: Dude, the machine's not even on!

{Bruno then joins in on the laughter. Garfield quickly recognizes the problem at hand, solves it with an ease that surprises the people around him, and resumes as normal. Cut to two patrons - a familiar Drow-like Human and his Noticeably-More-Human Friend - entering the bar.}

????: Sometimes you want to go to a bar where everyone knows your name, know what I'm saying?

{The Other Human makes a dynamic entrance, but nobody seems to notice.}

?????: {giggles} So much for "everyone knows your name..."

{The entrants quickly take notice of Garfield and his bizarre antics.}

????: Oy, get a load of this motherfuckin' mad lad! He's gone and taken the spotlight from me!

{Cut back to Garfield skillfully DDR-ing and singing at the same time, for a few seconds, then back at the other two Humans.}

?????: Um, Jules-

{Upon Jules' name being dropped, everyone inside the Angry Bull diverts their attention temporarily.}

BRUNO: Oh, hey, Jules! Good to see you've made it!

JULES: First of all, what's going on here? Second of all, who is this assclown?

BRUNO: Cut him some slack, he's just some nerd! He came in, and wanted to play with the karaoke machine. We told him if he got the high score for a particular song he seemed especially interested in, that he'd permanently get drinks for free here.

{Gus waves at Jules and The Drow-like Human. All the while, everyone else redirects their attention back to Garfield.}

GUS: It's true!

{Jules and The Drow-like Human go over to Gus, while the scene returns to Garfield having just finished singing and DDR-ing to his song of choice. People seem to be astonished, to the point of clapping and cheering once the scoreboard pops up. Cut to a zoomed shot, of Garfield's jaw dropping. Then, pan to the television screen, which shows he got a SSS rank, but was off from hitting the high score by a single point. Garfield's head droops down.}

GARFIELD: Well, now I only feel slightly inconvenienced...

{Bruno goes over to pat him on the back, and does so with a strength that causes Garfield to shift a bit.}

BRUNO: It's alright, lad. Maybe next time.

{Garfield resignedly gives the Minotaur his credit card and Point Card. Bruno eyes the Point Card carefully.}

BRUNO: What's this for?

GARFIELD: It's a Point Card, gifted to me personally, by someone of great importance. I got it one day, in San Crystal-balls, and since then I've put Points into it. I still owe you guys enough, that I'm willing to arm this thing to the teeth and eventually put it to good use someday!

{Bruno snorts, and laughs.}

BRUNO: Good luck with that, mate! I hope to see you again, when you've got even more drinks in ya!

{Garfield shrugs, and takes his bag of Chief Beef's food with him.}

GARFIELD: We'll see what happens when I return. I like your apple cider, at least!

{Garfield exits The Angry Bull. He happens to stumble upon a trolley.}

GARFIELD: Salutations! Does this stop by a cool place called Katyusha's?

TROLLEY DRIVER: {offscreen} Why, yes it does! What's the occasion?

GARFIELD: It's one of the few places I can call "home."

{The trolley driver guffaws, over his speakerphone.}

TROLLEY DRIVER: {offscreen} Well, so far... you're the only person on! Next stop, Katyusha's! In the meantime, enjoy the ride!

{Garfield leans back on the seat in the trolley, and smirks.}

GARFIELD: Perfect.

{Cut to Lex and Garfield at home.}

GARFIELD: So that's what happened today!

LEX: Honestly, I'm just glad you're back in one piece!

{Garfield winces, clutching the left side of his stomach and collapsing.}

GARFIELD: I figured you'd be more concerned for the ice cream truck...

LEX: Poppycock, mon! You've been my friend for at least a full three years! Friends aren't as replaceable as ice cream trucks!

{Garfield attempts to get up, from where he collapsed.}

GARFIELD: Shit, I should probably-

{Garfield's cellphone rings, with a familiar ringtone. He slowly hobbles over to his bedroom.}

LEX: Thanks for the Chief Beef's!

{Garfield gently closes the door behind him, and then lunges towards his bed and grabs his phone.}

GARFIELD: Hello?

XIORNO: {from the other line} Garfield, there is something I need your help with tomorrow.

GARFIELD: {singing} Tell me more, tell me more-

{Muffled laughter can be heard, coming from Lex's end.}

XIORNO: We have need for you in the Labs. A shipment of Orkneyan Snappers happened upon us, and we're currently trying to breed a new type which is resistant to the cold and snow. Have you heard of them?

GARFIELD: I don't think so...

XIORNO: They're like Venus Flytraps, but slightly bigger and extremely deadly when provoked. As they're an amazing delicacy to the Orcish people, I would like your assistance with helping ensure the tests run smoothly.

GARFIELD: Sure! I've definitely got what it takes.

XIORNO: Good. I would suggest being prepared for emergency situations, and plenty of them. Commit it to memory.

GARFIELD: See you tomorrow, Xiorno!

{Garfield hangs up, and rolls on out of bed. He goes outside of his bedroom. Lex greets him, from the dinner table. Garfield looks around.}

GARFIELD: ...has Edgymancer awakened yet?

LEX: Nah, ya knocked 'im out cold, mon! Also, I don't know if callin' him Edgymancer is a good idea anymore. He doesn't take it in a way we'd consider nice.

{Garfield looks saddened.}

GARFIELD: {sighs} Sorry about earlier.

{An awkward pause occurs.}

LEX: I overheard your talk on the phone. Was that Xiorno?

GARFIELD: Yes.

LEX: Cool! So, you get to be a bit more outgoin', mon!

GARFIELD: It's for a delicate project involving Orkneyan Snappers.

LEX: Y'mean you're workin' on an Orc superfood?

GARFIELD: Pretty much.

{Chaos arrives onscreen. Garfield's face changes to a more dour expression, while Lex is delighted to see that Chaos is awake.}

CHAOS: Oof. That hurt! How'd you learn to hit like that?

GARFIELD: It's a long story, not worth getting into right now. It's rather late.

CHAOS: Ugh, Remind me never to piss you off again... I missed the whole day, didn't I?

{Lex nods.}

CHAOS: Son of a-

{The camera cuts to a black screen. The "WIKIHOOD" title pops up, signalling the end of the Episode.}