(even if you aren't vegan)
Wikihood/eps/10
Synopsis
The week or so after the Heist. In essence, Leigh's own 6 of Wands:
- The Wikihood Krewe celebrate the success of the Fundraiser Heist.
- Leigh gets fired from Rosenberg Industries, as a casualty. Except for D'Arque, nobody is happy about this.
- Chaos asks Noelle out on a date.
- Lex and Chaos go to a 1950's diner and talk over milkshakes.
- Leigh overhears their conversation, and tries to kick their ass again.
- The cops pick up Leigh, while Lex and Chaos escape.
- Stephanie gives D'Arque clues that point in the direction of the Wikihood Krewe.
- D'Arque hires mobsters he was friends with in San Cristobal to find and terminate the known culprits.
- Garfield tries to help Leigh, after feeling remorse for ruining the Human-who-likes-Drow's career.
- Leigh catches on to Garfield's interventions, despite the numerous disguises.
- Leigh becomes a new roommate to Garfield and Lex.
Transcript
{Open to Chaos, Lex, Garfield, Tracy, Headwiz, and Virgil sitting at a table at Katyusha's, which is covered with several plates and bowls with an assortment of pierogies, sausages, cabbage rolls, borscht, schnitzel, and latkes.}
HEADWIZ: Man, this stuff is really fuckin' good! If I knew you lived here, I would've actually visited you guys.
GARFIELD: Technically, we live above it, but...
HEADWIZ: Yeah, yeah, I know. Still, though. I haven't had cabbage rolls this good since my dad used to make 'em for me, when I was a kid.
CHAOS: Lex and I have finished counting the bills, along with the money that Headwiz managed to siphon from the bank account. Splitting it evenly, we will all be getting around $400,000 each.
{Virgil does a spit-take, covering Tracy in borscht.}
TRACY: Ugh, dude!
VIRGIL: Cripes, sorry 'bout that. Four-hundred grand? Are you serious?
CHAOS: Yep. We managed to grab around $2.4 million from the Fundraiser alone. We got that D'Arque guy good.
VIRGIL: Say, what do y'all plan on doin' with your cuts?
CHAOS: I don't know, yet. I'm thinking that I could find my own place to live.
LEX: What? Don't ya like living with me and Garf?
CHAOS: I'd like to have my own bedroom, to be honest!
LEX: That's fair. I don't know what I wanna do with my money, either. Perhaps I'll buy a bar of chocolate, or somethin'.
TRACY: Dude... you can do that anyway. Chocolate doesn't cost-
{Chaos places his hand on Tracy's wrist and leans forward.}
CHAOS: Don't bother telling him this stuff, he doesn't get it. Let him have this.
{Tracy looks confused, as Chaos backs away.}
HEADWIZ: I'm gonna send most of the money back to my mom. She needs it more than I do.
VIRGIL: Yeah, same. Well, gonna divide it between my family, the community, my lil sis' college fund...
TRACY: I'm just surprised at how smoothly this went. Nobody-
{Garfield winces. Volkov's head pops out from the next room, eyes gazing at Garfield in concern.}
TRACY: ...got hurt from this whatsoever!
{Cut to Leigh, who is being interrogated by Xavier D'Arque in Jacqueline Rosenberg's office. Standing next to Xavier is Jacqueline with her arms crossed, and standing behind Leigh is Stephanie and Dahn. Xavier slams his fists on the table.}
XAVIER: THE FUCKING VILLAGE PEOPLE? DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT?
DAHN: Nah man, witnesses did say that they looked kinda like the-
XAVIER: CRAM IT, I'M TALKING HERE!
{Dahn squeals as Xavier stands up from the chair and sits on the desk, getting close to Leigh.}
XAVIER: So lemme get this straight. You lost your keycard, found the thieves, who looked like the Village People, and then got knocked out and shoved into a toilet cubicle?
LEIGH: Th-th-that is what happened... sir...
{Xavier turns to Jacqueline.}
XAVIER: I cannot believe you would hire somebody so useless as to let a bunch of fucking thieves steal my money!
JACQUELINE: Yelling at me is not going to make this any better.
STEPHANIE: And to be fair, it's not like he's equipped to deal with such a thing. That's more the job of the security guards.
XAVIER: I don't give a fuck! He is... or was an employee of this company, and he fucked up.
LEIGH: I'm- I'm sorry... I-
XAVIER: You will be sorry, alright. You're fired!
LEIGH: You can't fire me! You don't even work here!
XAVIER: Oh, but I do, dirt elf. I work for this entire city, and this entire fucking state! It cost a lot of money to do this, and shit hit the fan. Now I'm spilling blood. Get the fuck out.
{Leigh looks at Jacqueline for affirmation, but she just shakes her head and sighs.}
JACQUELINE: If we keep you, this will look really bad on the company, and I cannot allow that. I'm letting you go, Leigh. I'm sorry.
{Leigh sighs before cracking a small smile.}
LEIGH: At least I broke my one week limit, huh?
{Leigh stands up and walks out of the office, looking defeated. Both Jacqueline and Stephanie look somewhat remorseful, while Xavier is wearing a shit-eating grin. Dahn looks concerned, but is keeping his mouth shut. Cut to the building's foyer. Leigh walks out of the main elevators, and is immediately greeted by Gordon, who is wearing a large smile on his face.}
GORDON: EY, FUTURE EMPLOYEE OF TH' MONTH, WHAT'S...
{Gordon sees Leigh, looking defeated.}
GORDON: ...up, mate? Are ya a'ight? Anythin' you'd like t'talk aboot?
LEIGH: Goodbye, Gord. Those were two really good weeks, eh?
{Gordon goes to put his arm around Leigh, but Leigh avoids him and walks out of the doors. He sees Jules on the other end of the street, who whistles and waves at him. He ignores him as he sadly roller skates home. Cut to the six, who have finished their feast. Volkov comes to the table.}
VOLKOV: Does anybody have room for seconds?
TRACY: I would love to, but there's only so much borscht I can have in one sitting.
CHAOS: I think we're good, Volkov. Can we have the bill?
VOLKOV: Of course! Coming right up!
{Volkov goes offscreen.}
CHAOS: Give us a couple of days, and we'll deposit the money into your bank accounts.
LEX: It's also a good idea if ya guys keep a distance from us for a month or so. Ya all gotta remember to stay low for the next few months. Don't arouse any suspicions, ya?
{Garfield, Tracy, Headwiz, and Virgil all nod.}
LEX: Just do thin's like ya'd do anyways, and use ya best judgement.
VIRGIL: I'm goin' back to Phoenixshire tomorrow, so that won't be a problem. Gonna buy some souvenirs, but that's it.
{Virgil stands up.}
VIRGIL: Say, if any of y'all find yourselves in West Virginia and ya need a place to stay, just holla at me! I'll be seein' ya.
{Everyone waves Virgil goodbye as he leaves.}
HEADWIZ: He seems like a nice guy.
CHAOS: Drives like a fucking maniac, though.
LEX: He's better than Toby.
HEADWIZ: Ah, Toby. I'd say "rest in peace," but you just know he ain't up there.
{Headwiz gets up from her seat.}
LEX: Ya leavin' too?
HEADWIZ: Yep. I got some shit to sort out. I got a text from one of my friends, he's this ex-cop who does some weird ghost hunting shit in Rivergate. He needs my help again.
GARFIELD: Ghosts?
HEADWIZ: I don't believe it, myself, but he does this stuff for a living. And hey, I get paid too!
CHAOS: Wow.
HEADWIZ: I know, right?
{Headwiz leaves. Everybody waves goodbye. Tracy gets up next.}
TRACY: The cafe's been closed for over a day, and the hipsters get antsy when they have to look for other places to hang out in. So... yeah, heh.
{Tracy leaves the restaurant. Volkov returns with the bill.}
VOLKOV: That'll be $130.00, please!
CHAOS: I'll just pay it on my credit card.
{Chaos pulls out his card and gives it to Volkov, who swipes his machine.}
CHAOS: I'm gonna go for apartment hunting. Finally getting my own place!
VOLKOV: If I had room available, I'd be happy to rent to you.
CHAOS: I know, I know. I just really want a bed of my own.
GARFIELD: 'Tis a shame. I was beginning to enjoy your presence.
CHAOS: Hey, it's all good. We can all still hang out, and stuff.
{Cut to Xavier D'Arque, who is back in the Gauzy Girl Theatre and is being chewed out by the skeletal man.}
XAVIER: Sir, it was a mistake, we can still make that money back, I just have to-
????????: 'Tis pathetic! How could one lose such money to a bunch of frauds? Do you think that the D'Arques got where we were by letting others take advantage of our folk?
XAVIER: No, sir. It's simply a setback.
????????: Th're is nothing simple about it! You brought me back from mine own slumber to aid you in your pursuit of power, and yet you appear incapable of carrying out tasks.
{The skeletal man sighs and his bones begin to creak. Droll appears, with a cup of coffee.}
DROLL: A refreshment, Sir Debonair.
{The skeletal man takes the cup and takes a sip. The coffee can be seen moving down his throat and through his body as it spills onto the floor.}
DEBONAIR: Thank you, my dearest Droll. Even a goblin can do this better than you.
XAVIER: I beseech you, sir. Tell me what I must do next.
DEBONAIR: You need to find the ones responsible, and you need to take revenge. Onwards with ye!
{Debonair points to the door. Xavier bows and leaves the theatre, where Stephanie is waiting outside.}
STEPHANIE: Did the meeting go as expected?
XAVIER: It went fine. Do you have any new information on the thieves?
STEPHANIE: Miss Rosenberg sent me this.
{Stephanie pulls out her tablet, showing a screenshot of Lex and Chaos stealing from the vault room in their disguises. Xavier snatches the tablet and looks at it.}
XAVIER: Huh. The Drow was correct. They do look sort of like the Village People.
{Xavier cackles. Cut to Noelle at her office. Her phone rings, and she goes to pick it up.}
NOELLE: Hello?
{Some noises come from the phone.}
NOELLE: You're here for Mayor Meier about a pizza he ordered?
{Noelle gets up from her chair, then turns her head towards Mayor Meier's office.}
NOELLE: That pizza you ordered is here, sir!
{Mayor Meier departs from the office.}
MAYOR: You're the best, Noelle!
{Mayor Meier runs offscreen.}
NOELLE: Yeah, he'll be down to see you in a bit. Farewell.
{Noelle hangs up. Her eyelids lower.}
NOELLE: Uneventful. Well, I suppose it's better than-
{The phone rings again. Noelle answers it.}
NOELLE: Hello, I am Noelle, and this is the Townindale Mayor's Office. How may I assist you?
{Split screen, showing Chaos on the other end of the line.}
CHAOS: Heyy.
NOELLE: I know that voice! You're the guy who tripped! Felix, right?
CHAOS: I am never living that down, am I?
NOELLE: I could call you the guy who caused a storm at the bank, if you'd prefer.
CHAOS: ...Good point. Anyway, I'm calling to ask about rentals in this city. I would like to rent an apartment.
{Noelle chuckles.}
NOELLE: Um, there's nothing stopping you from doing that.
CHAOS: That's good! Do I get to choose an apartment to rent, or do you designate one for me?
NOELLE: What? You do neither! Don't you know how to rent an apartment? Wait. Are you making a prank call?
CHAOS: Uh, no! Not at all!
{Chaos laughs awkwardly.}
NOELLE: Have you tried looking online for places to rent?
CHAOS: Nope, I didn't know you had to do that.
{Noelle moves the phone away and covers the speaker as she begins to laugh. Chaos can still hear from the end of the line, and he begins to turn red.}
NOELLE: You have to look online for a place that suits your budget; once you find somewhere that you like, you contact the landlord and you ask for a tour. I take it this is your first time, then?
CHAOS: Sort of.
NOELLE: I'll tell you what. I finish work early on Friday. Come over, I'll show you how to do it. It's easy-peasy!
CHAOS: Oh. Thank you! But you don't have to do it, I mean...
NOELLE: It's fine, I promise!
{Chaos' skintone begins to resemble that of a tomato.}
CHAOS: Haha, wow. Thank you! I'll definitely take you up on that offer, heh. I'll let you get back to work now!
NOELLE: Haha, see ya soon, Felix!
{Noelle hangs up, ending her scene. Chaos is sitting on the living room couch. Pan over to reveal that Lex has been sitting next to him that whole time. He has a cheeky look on his face.}
LEX: Ey, is that your girlfriend?
CHAOS: What? No! I was just asking for advice, that's all.
LEX: Sounds to me that ya were jus' lookin' for another excuse to talk to the cute lady from Town Hall.
CHAOS: Shut up.
{Lex laughs and slaps Chaos on the back.}
LEX: Mon, ya so easy to read. Hey. Wanna go for a milkshake?
CHAOS: Oh yes I do. Nothing beats a good shake.
{The two get off the couch and are about to leave, until Chaos stops in his tracks.}
CHAOS: Wait. We need our milkshake parlor outfits!
{Cut to Chaos and Lex walking down the streets of Downtownindale, while wearing matching letterman jackets. They walk past a wig shop and walk into a 1950s-style diner named "Shake, Rattle, and Roll." The two sit at the bar and are greeted by the a minotaur bartender also wearing a letterman jacket.}
BARTENDER: Hey peeps! What can I get ya cool-cats today?
CHAOS: One strawberry shake, ya dig?
LEX: And I'll have a pineapple, mon!
BARTENDER: One strawberry, and one pineapple, comin' right up!
{The bartender walks off to make the shakes. Chaos and Lex begin talking, but their conversation gets drowned out by the sound of the diner as the camera pans over to a lone table in the corner of the diner, where Leigh is sitting by himself and drowning his sorrows. He sees Chaos and Lex sitting at the bar and he raises an eyebrow.}
LEIGH: Wait a second..
{Leigh takes a long sip from the straw on his milkshake as he watches Chaos and Lex. At this point of time, the bartender has delivered them their drinks. Leigh picks up his drink and sits on the stool next to Chaos.}
LEX: Mon, ya should ask her out.
CHAOS: I don't even know her that well. It would be creepy.
LEX: Not any more creepy than findin' excuses to phone her at work.
{Leigh leans in, as if to join the conversation. Chaos and Lex look at him. Leigh remains silent, staring at the two as he takes another long sip from his drink. The two try and ignore him.}
LEX: I ain't an expert with the ladies, but I know when ya gotta do something. Ya got nothin' to lose, mon!
CHAOS: Trueeeee, but...
{Chaos gesticulates his arms in order to make it clear what he's talking about.}
LEX: Brudda, ya just movin' ya arms like a mad man.
CHAOS: I'm just trying to say that-
{Chaos is interrupted by a loud slurping noise. The two turn their heads towards Leigh, who has finished his drink. The bartender arrives. Leigh pushes his drink toward the bartender while keeping his eyes on the two.}
LEIGH: Another drink, please.
LEX: Ey, we don' wan' sound rude, but why are ya eavesdroppin' on us?
LEIGH: Me? Eavesdropping? I am just enjoying a tasty milkshake. How about you?
{Leigh squints at he looks at Lex's upper lip. Chaos looks at Leigh, and then suddenly touches Lex's shoulder.}
CHAOS: {whispers} Lex, I think we should go.
LEX: Why, mon? We only just got here.
LEIGH: Yes. You only just got here.
CHAOS: I just think we should go somewhere else.
LEX: Uhhh...
{Lex and Chaos look at Leigh. An awkward silence happens, and then suddenly Leigh's eyes go wide open in a rage. Rock a Beatin' Boogie by Bill Haley and Comets begins to play as the confrontation flares up.}
LEIGH: IT IS YOU! YOU TWO... COST ME MY... MY...
{Leigh trips over his words in anger. Lex and Chaos stand up and begin to back away. Leigh yells at them.}
LEIGH: VILLAGE PEOPLE!!!
{Leigh suddenly jumps from the stool and lunges at Lex, throwing him down onto the floor. He begins to strangle him.}
LEIGH: TWO WEEKS!! TWO WHOLE WEEKS I HAD THAT JOB!!! LONGER THAN ANY OTHER JOB!!! AND YOU STOLE IT FROM ME!!! YOU STOLE IT FROM ME!!!!!!
{Lex gasps for air. Chaos grabs Leigh and forces him off Lex. In return, Leigh grabs a glass from the bar and attempts to smash it over Chaos' head. It doesn't work, but Chaos is still hurt.}
CHAOS: Ow, what the fuck!?
{Chaos punches Leigh in the stomach. The bartender yells at all three of them, phone in hand.}
BARTENDER: I'm calling the cops!
CHAOS: No, no, no. Don't call the cops, don't do that, no!
{Lex has recovered. He stands up and is about to punch Leigh in return, but Chaos stops him.}
CHAOS: Forget this, Lex. Let's go.
{The two begin to run to the diner's exit, but Leigh comes up behind them and tackles them. All three of them turn into a dust cloud of violence which rolls out of the store and into the street. The cloud quickly fades as the three lay on the ground, injured. Leigh begins to cry.}
LEIGH: WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY ME?! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!
{Police sirens can be heard in the distance, as Lex and Chaos pick themselves up.}
LEX: Let's vamoose.
{The two run away from the scene. Leigh resigns himself as the police cars arrive shortly after. Cut to Garfield, watching television in the living room.}
GARFIELD: I do love getting work done extra early.
{Garfield's cellphone rings. He looks at it, then picks it up and accepts the call.}
GARFIELD: Yo, Stephiroth. How's it yangin'?
{The screen splits between Stephanie at her office and Garfield at the living room.}
STEPHANIE: Hey, so... about that Fundraiser...
GARFIELD: Was I too gauche with the attire I wore?
STEPHANIE: No. I saw you were mentally struggling to not see red and go completely berserk on D'Arque after he publicly laughed at me about you. I wanted to treat you to something for, well, keeping it cool in there.
GARFIELD: I've been down this road before. I'm surprised things only started going to shit once I got to the parking lot.
{Stephanie sighs.}
STEPHANIE: You know, my friends and I have been thinking of inviting you back to Bluehaven, to hang out with us.
GARFIELD: I'm still not over the fact my attempts to become a magic-user were effectively sabotaged by your friends and my so-called "peers." Only my Sangromancy professor ever wrote to me after the incident that got me expelled, aside from you.
STEPHANIE: I'm sorry you had to go through that. Look, I'll text you the address and I will personally pay for the outing. I know money's gotta be tight after you got all those auction items. I promise you they're all magical, if it offers you any personal recompense. Promise you'll be there?
GARFIELD: As you wish.
{As Garfield is speaking, he is flicking the channels on the television. He switches to the news channel and sees coverage of Leigh's arrest.}
REPORTER KHOROUSHI: At around 3:00 PM today in Townindale, there was a commotion at the "Shake, Rattle, and Roll Diner," where a fight between three patrons broke out and spiraled out of control as it spilled into the streets. One participant was arrested and taken into custody, while the other two fled the scene of the crime.
GARFIELD: Geez, those ruffians.
STEPHANIE: Sorry, what?
GARFIELD: It's on TV. A bunch of rowdy boys got into a fight downtown.
STEPHANIE: Slow news day, huh? Anyway, I've got to go. I'm supposed to be tracking down the ones who robbed us at the Fund- Oh shoot, I didn't mean to say that.
GARFIELD: {In feigned surprise} You got robbed?
STEPHANIE: Unfortunately, yes. It was all cleaned out, done by some weirdos dressed as the Village People. Who would've thought?
GARFIELD: Yeah...
REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Witnesses reported seeing a young Drow male attack two human men. Upon arrest, the primary attacker was identified as a Mr. "Leigh More," later discovered to actually be a human male, despite initial reports stating he was a Drow.
{A picture of Leigh appears onscreen. Garfield looks shocked.}
GARFIELD: Holy shit.
STEPHANIE: What's up?
GARFIELD: The guy on TV who got arrested, he was working at the Fundraiser!
STEPHANIE: Wait, really? I have to see this.
{Stephanie brings up the news on her laptop.}
STEPHANIE: Oh darn, it is him. That poor guy. My boss had him fired because he failed to stop the robbery.
REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Leigh More had been fired from his position at the Rosenberg Association earlier this day. A witness had this to say.
{The broadcast cuts to an elderly black man who is being interviewed.}
WITNESS: It was crazy, I'm tellin' ya! This Drow guy started beating up on those two men, yellin' at the top of his lungs, "YOU TOOK MY JOB, YOU TOOK MY JOB!," and before you know it, they were scrapping like no tomorrow! One of the guys, he had black hair, red eyes, looked like he walked outta Marilyn Manson concert! And the other guy, he was some pasty white guy who talked like my cousin from Jamaica! It was wild!
{Stephanie brings up the picture of Chaos and Lex knocking out Leigh, and notes the appearance of Chaos.}
STEPHANIE: Hmm...
GARFIELD: What's up?
STEPHANIE: I just noted something really peculiar... I think I need to talk with my boss. See you soon, Garfield.
GARFIELD: See you too, Steph.
{Both of them hang up. Garfield stands up from the couch. He pauses for a second before a look of worry appears on his face.}
GARFIELD: Oh no. Oh no, no no.
{Chaos and Lex walk into the living room, looking all bruised.}
CHAOS: Despite the bruises, and the fact that we've probably been banned from that place, those shakes weren't too bad.
LEX: I know, right? I haven't had a fight like that for a long time. Ey, Garf!
GARFIELD: Did... you two say shakes? And fight?
CHAOS: Yes?
GARFIELD: FUCK. HOLD ON.
{Garfield grabs his cell-phone and runs into his bedroom.}
CHAOS: Betcha two bucks he's gonna look at porn.
{Cut to Garfield frantically phoning Stephanie's number. It dials for a couple of seconds before a message plays.}
PHONE: I'm sorry, but your call cannot be connected at this time. Try calling again later.
GARFIELD: Shit, shit, shit.
{Garfield sighs.}
GARFIELD: I can at least try and do one good thing, though.
{Garfield begins to dial another number. Cut to Stephanie, showing Xavier D'Arque the news footage on the laptop, along with a printed copy of the screenshot.}
STEPHANIE: What do you think?
XAVIER: I think you may be onto something. A white Jamaican, though? Isn't that a little outlandish?
STEPHANIE: One of my exes was a white guy from Barbados.
XAVIER: Ooh, you have exes, huh? You never talk to me about this part of your life!
STEPHANIE: That's because it's irrelevant at the moment, sir. I think we should look into this. I think we have a possible lead.
{Cut to Leigh, sitting in police custody. The chief arrives and uncuffs him.}
CHIEF: You're free to go. Somebody paid your bond. Try to avoid getting into this kind of trouble in the future. You seem like a bright lad; don't make this your legacy.
{Leigh drops to his knees.}
LEIGH: Thank you, so, so so much!
CHIEF: Yeah, yeah. Just behave yourself! C'mon!
{The Chief lifts Leigh up. Cut to Leigh walking back home.}
LEIGH: I lost my job and got arrested on the same day. Great going, 'Lay!
{Leigh sees a nearby rock and kicks it.}
LEIGH: That's Leigh for you. Terrible luck! Born with no magical talent whatsoever, can't hold a job, and now I'm a criminal. Great!
{Leigh kicks the rock again.}
LEIGH: What was I even thinking? They stole stuff! They could've been armed! I could've died!
{Leigh keeps kicking the rock as he walks.}
LEIGH: Can't be like my younger brother, can you? Always a disappointment. No law firm, no DDR machine, no lovely apartment, no job, no rent. I might as well find a comfy box and get it over with! At least the weather's nice!
{The sky turns dark grey and it begins to rain.}
LEIGH: Oh, THANKS, GOD!!
{Leigh carries on walking. Suddenly, a long black limousine passes by Leigh. The back window rolls down to reveal a half-gold, half-black dragon inside of the vehicle.}
??????: I heard about what happened.
LEIGH: Momma told me not to talk to strangers.
??????: Apparently, Mr. D'Arque caused you some distress.
LEIGH: That is an understatement.
{The dragon looks Leigh up and down.}
??????: Peculiar.
LEIGH: Why are you talking to me of all people, though?
??????: One of my employees told me about you. Said you needed help.
LEIGH: What? Is this some sort of prank?
??????: {laughs} I understand you're not in the best of moods, but please. Take this.
{She gives Leigh a business card. It reads "Xiorno, the Duke of Oil and Time."}
XIORNO: It's a free favor. You can call this number if you need my assistance. Until then.
{Leigh is about to talk, but the window is rolled back up and the car drives off, leaving Leigh alone.}
LEIGH: What the...
{Cut to Xavier sitting at a table in the corner of an Italian restaurant. Sitting on the other side is a short and fat Italian man in a white suit with a red shirt, who is taking time to puff a cigar between bites of food.}
?????: It's a pleasure meeting you again, Mr. D'Arque.
XAVIER: Call me Xavier. After all, we're friends, aren't we, Andre?
ANDRE: Right you are! As you may know, we are in full support of your campaign. The DuTempi Family will always be in your gratitude.
XAVIER: When I was running my campaign to become District Attorney, I promised to clean up this city by ending the gang warfare, and I delivered.
{The Italian man cackles as he takes another puff from the cigar.}
ANDRE: You cheeky bastard. You really laid a number on my competition. Those Bonifacio pricks had no idea what hit 'em!
{Andre takes a large slurp from his glass of wine.}
ANDRE: Let's cut the bullshit, though. I know we ain't talkin' pleasantries here. What can I do for you?
XAVIER: How good are you at finding people?
ANDRE: I once had a guy who was prepared to rat me out to the feds. Fled all the way to Europe when he knew that I knew. Lavosia, ya ever hear of it?
XAVIER: Of course. During my rowdier days as a youth, I spent a gap year there. Almost blew my whole allowance in their casinos. My father threatened to cut me off if I didn't come back. Good times.
ANDRE: Yeah. So this guy, he decided to play hide-and-go-seek, thinkin' he was safe. And y'know what? We let him believe that. For six months, we watched him build a decent life for himself. Worked at the shipyard, got himself a nice girl, lived in a chateau, y'know the life. Anyway, one day when they was comin' back home with groceries, and one of my guys had been followin' him. ...BAM!
{Andre makes a gun gesture with his hand.}
ANDRE: Splattered his brains all over his girl's lovely white dress. So yeah, how good am I at findin' people? You tell me.
{Xavier smiles evilly. He pulls out his phone, showing the image of Chaos and Lex at the heist.}
XAVIER: I have a very special job for your men.
{Cut to Leigh, who is video-chatting with Ned on his laptop.}
NED: I'm sorry, man. I tried talking to Jacqueline about getting your job back, but she just wouldn't budge. She didn't sound pleased about it, though.
LEIGH: I should've expected this to happen. I have about as much luck as a member of the Stark family.
NED: That is true. But you need to create your own luck. Make the best of a bad situation, like Tony Stark. He was captured by terrorists, put into a cave, and forced to make weapons. But you know what he did? He made himself a super suit, busted out of there, and became Iron Man.
LEIGH: Okay, first, I was referencing Game of Thrones. And second, I'm afraid to even do that! Every time I've tried to fix my life, something's thrown a wrench into my plans and screwed it all up!
NED: I heard about what happened yesterday. You seemed to do quite a good job at committing assault. You could become an underground fighter. They get lots of money.
LEIGH: That's not funny. You know I hate fighting.
NED: Look, man. You just need to find your guardian angel. Everybody has one. Mine lets me be a lawyer while fulfilling my DDR addiction. Ooh, I know! How about I get a DDR machine installed in your apartment?
LEIGH: Ned, I can barely pay for groceries. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be evicted. A DDR machine is the last of my worries right now.
{Leigh leans back.}
NED: Does Maddie know about this?
LEIGH: I haven't told her yet... She probably already knows. Why do I keep ending up on the evening news?
NED: 'Lay, don't worry about it. I'll ask around and see if I can find you another job.
LEIGH: ...No. I can't. One of the things Maddie told me is that I rely on others too much. I need a fresh start, and I will fix this, no matter how badly life keeps throwing curveballs. I can do this!
NED: That's the spirit! You go out there, and you make something of yourself!
{Pause.}
NED: But I will bail you out if I have to.
{Cut to Leigh walking down the street, resume in hand.}
LEIGH: I can do this, I can do this!
{Pan to the other side of the road. Garfield is watching Leigh through a pair of binoculars.}
GARFIELD: There he is. I will make his life better, even if it kills me. But, I can't let him see me...
{Garfield assumes a sneaking position as he awkwardly walks around people on the street. He carries on looking at Leigh while following him from the other side of the road. He watches Leigh as he walks into a record shop. He scurries across the road and looks through the window. Leigh walks up to the counter and hands the cashier his resume before walking out. As Leigh is walking out, the cashier can clearly be seen putting the resume into the trash. As Leigh walks out of the store with a smile on his face, Garfield hides behind a road sign, looking completely conspicuous. Leigh does not notice. Leigh carries on walking down the street. Garfield follows him from a short distance before pulling his wallet out and throwing it over Leigh's head. Leigh looks bewildered as he picks the wallet up and looks around. In these few seconds, Garfield has somehow gotten on-top of the roof of a building and is looking down from above.}
LEIGH: Did anybody drop their wallet? Or somehow lob it for some reason?
{Leigh looks around.}
LEIGH: Anybody?
{Nobody answers.}
LEIGH: Huh. I should probably see who this belongs to.
{Leigh opens the wallet and finds that there's identification, but it's stuffed with cash.}
LEIGH: I should take this to the police; that's a lot of money to lose, gee.
{Suddenly, Garfield appears in front of Leigh, now dressed in a policeman disguise which is just as fake as Chaos and Lex's security guard disguises.}
GARFIELD: Ah, I see that you have found somebody's dropped wallet!
{Leigh hands the wallet to Garfield.}
LEIGH: That was convenient! Here you go, maybe you can find the owner!
{Garfield gives the wallet back to Leigh and laughs.}
GARFIELD: Hahaha-have you heard of "Free Wallet Day?"
{Leigh squints his eyes at Garfield.}
LEIGH: Wait a minute...
GARFIELD: The Mayor has people throw wallets full of cash at people. It's a community service, spanning back to approximately 1994.
{Leigh raises an eyebrow. Garfield quickly scoots around the corner. He spins around and is back in his normal clothing.}
GARFIELD: That was pretty heavy-handed. I think I need to change my tactics...
{Cut back to Leigh. He calls a phone number.}
NOELLE: {vo} Hello?
LEIGH: I'd like a fact checked out. There was this guy who was dressed like a constable who tried to give me a wallet, proclaiming it to be "Free Wallet Day." He said it spanned to-
NOELLE: {vo} 1994?
LEIGH: Yes.
NOELLE: {vo} I think your newfound acquaintance might've gotten the date wrong. Free Wallet Day isn't until mid-October.
LEIGH: Wait, there actually is a "Free Wallet Day?"
NOELLE: {vo} Nowadays, it's kept rather hush-hush, but yeah.
{Leigh blinks.}
NOELLE: {vo} Are you calling for anything else in particular?
LEIGH: No, I just wanted to check that.
NOELLE: {vo} In that case, thank you for your inquiry and take care, sir.
{Noelle hangs up. A short pause happens afterward.}
LEIGH: As well-intentioned as that might've been, I'm going to try giving the wallet back to its original owner.
{Leigh rifles through the wallet to peruse the identification again. His eyelids lower.}
LEIGH: Is Wiggins really his last name? Hmm.
{Leigh carries on walking down the street. A white car passes by him. Inside the car are two Italian-American men in black suits, named Rosato and Giuliano. Rosato is short and skinny, while Giuliano is tall and fat. Giuliano is driving the car.}
ROSATO: A'ight, we're finally downtown. Would'a gotten here sooner if you didn't stop off for hot-dogs.
GIULIANO: I was hungry!
{Giuliano taps his stomach. It growls.}
GIULIANO: I still am. What we lookin' for, again?
ROSATO: The boss told us to be on the look-out for two geezers. One's a white guy with a Jamaican accent, and the other's a short goth.
GIULIANO: A goth? Ya mean the guys who sacked Rome? Didn't know there were any left!
{Rosato slaps Giuliano.}
ROSATO: No, ya dolt! I mean a goth as in one of those weird pale guys who dress in all black, has black hair, likes dark things.
GIULIANO: Ohhh. Okay, okay. Where do we look?
ROSATO: I don't know, yet! It can't be too hard to find them. The boss said there'd be a big reward for whoever caught 'em!
{Cut back to Leigh, who has met up with Gordon at a bar. Gordon is looking at the wallet.}
GORDON: Wiggins... Ay dun' know any'un with that name. Sorry, lad. Can't believe ye dinnae know of Free Wallet Day, though. It's been arund since '94!
LEIGH: ...So I've heard.
GORDON: Ay dun' mean to be cheeky, but ay think ya should jus' take the money. Obviously somebody wanted 'ye to 'ave it. Sorry again about ye losin' ya job. The office 'as been borin' ever since ya went.
LEIGH: It's funny; I almost considered voting for D'Arque, too.
GORDON: Ya gonnae vote for Petrobucks now?
{Leigh visibly recoils.}
LEIGH: Yikes, no. I'm probably just gonna vote third party.
{Gordon chuckles.}
GORDON: Unnerstan'able, mate. I'm jes' joshin' wit' ya.
{Leigh looks away and sighs.}
LEIGH: Do you believe in guardian angels?
GORDON: Sorta. Not sure wha' cowns as a guardian angel.
LEIGH: Something my brother mentioned.
{Zoom out to reveal that Garfield is still following Leigh, having sat at a table nearby. Garfield is this time dressed in a blonde wig, with a white dress, Timbs, and red thigh-high socks. He uses the time to take a selfie and send it to Stephanie. Cut to Stephanie, who does a spittake in her office.}
STEPHANIE: Wha-
{Stephanie ponders for a moment.}
STEPHANIE: At least Garfield explained everything about the... human with a keen interest in Drow culture? But, going out in that dress doesn't affect Drow culture at all?
{Stephanie cocks a brow.}
STEPHANIE: This is by all means better than wearing a pimp suit, at least.
{Cut back to the bar. The bartender gives Leigh a glass of beer.}
LEIGH: I didn't order this.
BARTENDER: I know. Somebody else did. Said you deserved it.
{Leigh scans around the bar. He catches a glimpse of Garfield in women's clothes, but doesn't register it. He looks at the glass for a moment. Suddenly, Gordon slaps him on the back unexpectedly.}
GORDON: Looks like ye 'ave a guardian angel of ya own!
{Pan back to Garfield.}
GARFIELD: Excellent. This plan is going well. Let's see if I can ramp it up.
{Garfield pulls out his phone and proceeds to dial it. As he begins to talk, "Money, Money, Money" by Abba plays, starting a montage showing Leigh in a variety of quick scenes. In one scene, Leigh is in HappyMart and having trouble choosing between two jars of jam, costing $2.50 and $4.00, respectively. Suddenly, a large crowd around him forms, waving banners stating that he is the "Ten Millionth Customer." Pan over to the side to show Garfield handing a wad of cash to Felicia, the store's manager. The second scene is of Leigh coming across a "lost cat" poster on a sign, with an award of $1000. Immediately, the cat which is on the poster crosses Leigh's path, and an older lady (who is actually Tracy dressed as an old lady) picks up the cat and hugs it, before handing a wad of cash to him. The third scene is of Leigh looking for jobs online on his laptop. Suddenly, a pop-up appears on-screen, reading: "Congratulations! You have just won $10,000!" Leigh raises his eyebrow and clicks on it, linking to his online bank account with a new deposit of $10,000. Cut to Garfield at Headwiz's house, with the two sitting at a computer. Headwiz and Garfield turn to each other and they high-five, before Garfield pours an energy drink into his cup of coffee. The fourth scene is of Leigh getting into bed and trying to sleep, only to notice something peculiar. He finds that he is covered in $100 bills. He fluffs his pillow, revealing that it is also stuffed with stacks of cash. He out of bed and takes the sheets off, revealing that he was sleeping on several more stacks of cash which had been hidden under his bed. Garfield can be seen peering through his window, only to quickly duck as Leigh turns the light on and looks around. The montage ends with Leigh hanging out with Jules at Surreal Cereals.}
LEIGH: I don't understand! I feel like this is some kind of weird trick. I'm starting to look for cameras wherever I go, because what else could it even be?
JULES: Yo fam, chill for a bit. My folks give me money all the time.
LEIGH: Yeah, but your family's rich. I don't even have a family, other than my brother. And he's not the type of person to do this! Maybe I do have a guardian angel...
JULES: I'unno. Sounds more like you're being stalked.
LEIGH: Isn't a guardian angel already kind of a stalker?
JULES: Fuck if I know, man. Either way, at least they're not tryin' to kill you? Or maybe they are? What if it's some kind of freaky weird serial killer that likes to give people money before they kill 'em?
{Leigh looks visibly terrified.}
LEIGH: Jeez man, don't say that! That's horrible!
JULES: Shit dude, it could be one with a gimmick! Y'know? Stalks people and gives them money before doing somethin' really fucked up, like cutting them into tiny pieces, or somethin'.
LEIGH: No! Stop talking about it!
JULES: Sorry. And yeah, sorry about what my aunt did. If it makes ya feel better, I wasn't gonna vote for that Dark guy anyways. I wasn't gonna vote at all, but now I'm really committed to it.
{Tracy arrives with cereal for both Jules and Leigh, serving them.}
TRACY: I hear good fortune has crossed paths with you.
LEIGH: It... has.
{Leigh cocks a brow. He then looks Tracy up and down.}
JULES: Somethin' amiss?
LEIGH: Hm...
{Leigh closes his eyes, and shakes his head.}
LEIGH: Something was on my mind, but I forgot. I'm at least set for a little bit, but...
{Leigh blinks. Tracy is gone.}
LEIGH: Where'd he go?
{Cut to Tracy having left, obscuring himself from view from Jules and Leigh. He has headphones on, and turns on the mic attached to them.}
TRACY: Alright, I think this has backfired a tad. He's now intensely paranoid.
{Cut back to Leigh, who still has Garfield's wallet. He rifles through it.}
LEIGH: Wait, this has an address!
{Jules facepalms.}
LEIGH: ...hang on, this address...
{Jules shows Leigh his phone. A map of Townindale is shown on it. Zoom into the map to show the position of Volkov's pierogi bar, then zoom inward. Cut to Volkov and Garfield both serving multiple guests at a now busy establishment. Most of the patrons therein are wearing business suits, and two of them - Rosato and Giuliano - are recognizable amongst the crowd.}
ROSATO: You had hot-dogs just an hour ago, and you're still stuffin' yer face.
GIULIANO: Leave off, douchebag. I skipped breakfast.
ROSATO: We're supposed to be lookin' for these guys!
GIULIANO: Ey, we ain't the only ones 'ere!
{Giuliano gestures to all the other men in the restaurant. Cut to Leigh and Jules walking through the front door of the Pierogi Bar. All of the suited men look straight at them and put their hands in their suits, as if to pull out a gun. However, as they realize they are not the ones they are looking for, they, turn back and carry on eating their food. Leigh and Jules are freaked out by this.}
JULES: Bruv, I don't think we're welcome here.
{Volkov pops up from the side of the screen.}
VOLKOV: Nonsense! Everybody's welcome at Katyusha's! Come, sit down!
{Volkov practically pushes the two into the restaurant and into a booth seat, before handing them menus.}
VOLKOV: Right now, it is happy hour! All drinks are 20% off until 6:00 PM! I'll give you moment to decide.
{Volkov walks offscreen. Jules looks at the menu.}
JULES: Huh. Didja know this place is named after that guy's mom?
LEIGH: Shh.
{Leigh points to Garfield, who emerges from the kitchen with a tray of pierogis.}
LEIGH: I know that guy... He was at the Fundraiser. I drank with him.
{Pause.}
LEIGH: Just before I lost my keycard...
{Leigh gets up from his chair.}
LEIGH: Hold on for a sec. I wanna talk to him.
JULES: Ya ain't gonna beat up on him too, are ya?
{Leigh walks over to Garfield from behind and taps him on the shoulder. Garfield turns around and as soon as he sees Leigh, he backs away.}
GARFIELD: Hello there! Welcome to Katyusha's!
{Leigh gets closer to Garfield, who continues to back away. This continues until he is backed into a wall. Garfield begins to sweat. Leigh pulls out the wallet.}
LEIGH: Is this yours?
GARFIELD: Uh... yes? I must've dropped it somewhere... silly me.
{Leigh looks at Garfield closely, before realizing that he was the policeman.}
LEIGH: I tried to give it to a policeman, but he told me it was Free Wallet Day.
GARFIELD: Yes! It-
{Leigh leans in even closer as he interrupts Garfield. All eyes are on them again.}
LEIGH: Free Wallet Day is in Mid-October. I've had a great stroke of luck for the past 24 hours. Someone keeps throwing large amounts of money at me. Literally, in some cases. This has been going on ever since I lost my job after the Fundraiser we were at got stolen from. Do you remember when we drank together?
GARFIELD: I indeed remember.
LEIGH: These are some really weird co-inky-dinks, don't you think?
GARFIELD: {sighs} ...Damn it. Let's talk about this privately.
{Volkov gives Garfield the thumbs-up. Leigh nods stiffly.}
LEIGH: That can be arranged.
{Garfield walks out, goes to clock out. Leigh follows, silently observing everything. Given the Fundraiser was mentioned, Rosato and Giuliano attempt to follow Garfield and Leigh, only to be blockaded by Volkov.}
VOLKOV: I'm sorry. Way out is for employees and special Human with interest in Drow culture only.
ROSATO: Fuhgeddaboutit.
{Rosato pulls Giuliano away.}
ROSATO: {whispering} We'll just bring backup.
{Garfield escorts Leigh to the Apartment upstairs.}
LEIGH: So this is your base of operations?
GARFIELD: Affirmative.
LEIGH: All this time, you lived inside a pierogi bar?
{Garfield goes into the kitchen.}
GARFIELD: {vo} Make yourself at home, Human.
{Leigh cocks a brow.}
LEIGH: Wait, did you just-
{Garfield comes back with several glasses of Naminade. Zoom out to reveal that Garfield's eyes have massive black circles around them, implying he hasn't gotten any sleep in a while.}
GARFIELD: From time to time, I work at the pierogi bar to make more money to do more cool things.
LEIGH: Erm... yes. That's what I wished to discuss. Why are you helping me, of all Humans?
{Garfield sits down, with the glasses of Naminade set near him and Leigh.}
GARFIELD: I must apologize to you for causing you to lose your job.
LEIGH: A-ha! So you were part of the Heist!
{Garfield winces.}
GARFIELD: Yes. At first, I thought it would just cause me to piss Stephanie and others off, and was hesitant in joining in on it.
{Leigh nods.}
LEIGH: Go on.
GARFIELD: I saw that there were auctions for various magical items. Many of them served as important memorabilia in the cinematic world, and...
{Garfield takes out his Point Card.}
GARFIELD: The first magical item I ever received was a Point Card from... a person I liked. I know she works for a company that mistreats her, and one day I may free her from her bonds to it using this Point Card to obliterate her asylum permanently.
{Garfield puts the Point Card back in his pocket.}
LEIGH: Why not just talk to me directly? I would've listened!
{Garfield frowns.}
GARFIELD: I feared that you would attack me the same way that my friends were. I wanted to make amends for causing you to lose your job - I know that if anybody else was put under the same pressure-cooker that you were, that I would help them, too.
{Garfield looks outside a window. Leigh sighs.}
LEIGH: Well, if anything, count me in on your next big score against Xavier D'Arque. Thanks for the money, by the way. It'll definitely keep me from being evicted from my apartment.
GARFIELD: That place?
LEIGH: It may not be great, but it's still ho- Oh, who am I kidding. It sucks.
GARFIELD: You know, one of our tenants is planning on moving out. If you'd like, you can stay with us.
{Leigh perks up.}
LEIGH: Really? You'd do that for me?
GARFIELD: Of course! You'd be a fine addition to our krewe.
LEIGH: Wow, thank you so much!
{Leigh goes for one of the glasses.}
LEIGH: What do you call these?
GARFIELD: Naminade.
LEIGH: ...any particular reason why?
GARFIELD: Spiritual attunement.
{Leigh confusedly drinks one of the Naminade glasses, but finds the drink to his delight. Garfield's phone rings, and he picks it up.}
GARFIELD: Hello?
STEPHANIE: So, don't panic, but... I just overheard a meeting between D'Arque and some High Elves. They're hiring one of their own to accompany a Lavosian bounty hunter.
GARFIELD: Oh, no no no-
STEPHANIE: Some people didn't take kindly to you winning all those auctions, and then someone else caught wind of your "streaks of luck" at a casino in San Crystal-balls some few years back. I also theorize he's targeting you, because you saw a part of his true colours and he's got his own Masquerade to uphold. Thank god I managed to get a good lunch break.
{Garfield slams his own head against a table.}
STEPHANIE: Garfield? You okay?
{Leigh takes the phone from Garfield.}
LEIGH: He's not taking the news lightly.
STEPHANIE: Leigh? Wha-
LEIGH: Garfield must've heard of my plight from you and tried to help me.
STEPHANIE: Ohhhhhhhh, I must've called at a bad time.
{Jules arrives in the apartment. Garfield still slams his head against the table.}
LEIGH: Regarding D'Arque... Let's just say I'm going to show him the light.
{Stephanie laughs.}
STEPHANIE: Oh, you guys just made my day. But, I gotta go. I just wanted to make a request to Garfield to keep himself from getting hurt. I will speak to you guys again, possibly after work.
{Garfield stops slamming his head.}
GARFIELD: WAIT, SHIT. I HAVE TO ASK HER SOMETHING.
{Garfield snatches the phone from Leigh.}
GARFIELD: Steph, wait. That conversation we had yesterday, about the fight at the restaurant. The news report... you didn't...?
STEPHANIE: I really have to go. Sorry, Garfield.
{Stephanie hangs up.}
JULES: Can we talk now?
{Garfield nods.}
LEIGH: Jules?
JULES: I heard everything.
GARFIELD: This is not good... this is not good at all. I have certain reason to believe that Lex and Chaos are in danger... and I now have a bounty hunter on my ass. Fuck, fuck, FUCK.
{Jules pats Garfield on the back.}
JULES: This shit is wack "ayy-eff" to me, but I'm with you, man.
LEIGH: You helped me, so... Let us pay you back.
{Leigh gives Garfield his wallet back.}
JULES: Shit dude, you did that thing? Oh man, my Aunt is gonna be fuckin' pissed at you.
GARFIELD: You heard everything.
JULES: Nahhhhhhhh, don't worry about me, fam. I don't give a shit. We cool. But MAN. You are in such deep shit, WOW.
LEIGH: You're not making matters any better by telling him that!
JULES: Shit. Sorry. So... I figure Lex and Chaos were the other two guys?
GARFIELD: Yes. As far as I'm aware, the two are at Lex's place of work.
{Suddenly, Volkov can be heard yelling from downstairs.}
JULES: Shiiiit. We should get back to the restaurant.
{All three go downstairs to the restaurant, which is now empty. Volkov is standing there by himself, looking furious.}
VOLKOV: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? ALL OF THOSE ASSHOLES JUST UP AND LEFT WITHOUT PAYING! EVERY ONE OF THEM! I AM CALLING POLICE.
{Volkov storms off into the backroom. The screen fades to black, signalling the episode's End.}
