We're Not Using Drugs, I Swear! It's All Real!/Episode 1

Summarry

In case the name didn't spoil it for you already!

Transcript

{open up to black. A crack of light is seen.}

VOICE: Guys? There's something in the tree...

OTHER VOICE: Well? What is it? Let me see it.

THIRD VOICE: Do you think it is edible? I am kind of hungry.

OTHER VOICE: I dunno. I'll try it.

{The crack suddenly widens.}

OTHER VOICE: ... Woah. Dude, dude. Try this.

FIRST VOICE: I think it's, like, a separate reality!

{The crack of light opens all the way, and bloom slowly gives way to reveal Chwoka, Jerry, and Kanjiro standing in awe. Chwoka is holding the outside of the door. They let out a collective "Woah".}

JERRY: It's... beautiful!

KANJIRO: What... what is this place?

JERRY: It's like a magical wonderland! ... Wait. That's it!

KANJIRO: So your saying there's a magical wonderland in this tree? Awesome!

CHWOKA: Let's call it... MUNDLUND!

{Cut to Jerry, Kanjiro, and Chwoka swaggering though a surreal, Dr. Suess-esque landscape of a town. A fuzzy, short, purple guy walks up.}

PURPLE: Bz bzz buzzz

{Cut to Chwoka, Jerry, and Kanjiro, looking stoned out of their minds, sitting in the grass. A bee flies up.}

BEE: Bz bzz buzzz

CHWOKA: A purple fuzzy guy just walked up to me and buzzed to me!

{Cut to Mundlund.}

JERRY: My God! It's like there's no gravity at all!

{Jerry jumps and starts to float.}

JERRY: Holy cripes! This is awesome!

{Cut to Chwoka, Jerry and Kanjiro on the grass again. Jerry is lying down on the grass, waving his arms around.}

JERRY: Whee!

{Cut to Mundlund.}

KANJIRO: I wonder if there is any food here?

{The landscape changes into various types of food; Kanjiro starts eating it.}

KANJIRO: Dudes you have to try this!

{Jerry takes a bite out of a nearby popsicle.}

JERRY: Oh... ohhh! It melts in your mouth!

{Cuts to Kanjiro, gnawing on a nearby tree}

KANJIRO: Mmmm... This is so good!

{Cut to the air. Chwoka is soaring through the air.}

CHWOKA: I'm flying! I'm flying!

{Chwoka suddenly crashes into a metal hull, and falls a bit before catching himself.}

CHWOKA: Huh? It's-it's...

{Cut to the grass again. Chwoka is standing up rigid}

CHWOKA: A satellite with a built-in pool and an infinite refrigerator and a time machine and a... {trails off, inaudibly}

{The other two also stand up and begin talking about what they see inside it.}

KANJIRO: I think I see a built in movie theater!

JERRY: My God! It has a mini-bar!

{Jerry grabs a strangely-shaped bottle and starts drinking from it.}

JERRY: Mmmm! It's a never-ending drink!

{Cut to the three standing near a pool. Kanjiro is watching a fence and Jerry is drinking from a hose.}

KANJIRO: No way dude! My favorite movie! {He sits down in the grass}

{Vanhock walks out}

VANHOCK: Uh, you guys? What are you doing?

{Chwoka dives in.}

CHWOKA: My clothes don't even get wet!

VANHOCK: They...are?

CHWOKA: Huh. I guess they are. Oh, well! Here comes an automatic drying machine!

KANJIRO: {Kanjiro stands up} Oh well, the movie is over. Maybe I'll try the rock climbing wall now! {He tries to climb a nearby tree}

VANHOCK: This is weird...

{cut inside Chwoka's house (not in Mundlund). Vanhock ids dialing a phone.}

VANHOCK: Hello, is this Casey? Jerry is over here, and he's acting kind of strange...drinking from a garden hose...

{Casey walks into the yard.}

CASEY: Oh, hey. I heard Jerry was here and... what are you doing, Jerry?

JERRY: Drinking from the endless bottle!

CASEY: ... Okay, then.

{Casey walks over to Vanhock.}

CASEY: Uh, do you know these guys?

VANHOCK: The one with the smug expression on his face in the pool is my brother Chwoka, him over there is an old college buddy of both of ours and your husband, Jerry, and that's our neighbor Kanjiro.

CASEY: Oh. Any reason why they turned stupid all of a sudden? Kanjiro's trying to climb a tree, your brother's splashing in the pool and Jerry's sucking on a hose.

KANJIRO: What tree? I am climbing this cliff to have tea with the dwarfs on the top of the mountain!

VANHOCK: I don't know. I heard them shouting about this weird fantasy land called "Mundlund", and I look outside and they're doing this.

CHWOKA: The water is PUDDING!

{Cut to Mundlund. Jerry finishes drinking and starts to approach the pool. Suddenly, a harpy swoops in front of him.}

HARPY: Jerry, what's wrong with you? Did you catch the stupid or something?

JERRY: AAAH! She-devil! She-devil!

{Jerry starts to punch at the harpy.}

{Cut to Chwoka's backyard. Jerry is feebly swiping at Casey, who steps back every couple of seconds.}

JERRY: You're good, harpy woman! But not good enough!

CASEY: Ugh. I'm leaving. Sorry to bother you, Vanhock.

{Casey leaves.}

JERRY: Ha! It figures that you'd surrender!

{Cuts to Kanjiro sitting at a small table with dwarfs sipping tea.}

KANJIRO: Quite good. Quite good.

{Cuts to the backyard with Kanjiro sitting in a tree talking to branches}

VANHOCK: Branch whisperer...

{Pan over to Chwoka}

CHWOKA: IT'S MY PUDDING! ALL MINE! IT HAS A FORCEFEILD AROUND IT SO YOU GUYS CAN'T GET IN!

{Chwoka dives in, with his mouth open}

VANHOCK: My god, he's going to drown!

{Cut to Mundlund. chwoka doesn't go under.}

CHWOKA: You know what, I'm going to go get in the backyard pool.

{Chwoka flies out of the satellite. Cut to the tree. Chwoka opens it, and walks over to the real-life pool and jumps in. Cut to the bottom of the pool. Real Chwoka appears to be unconscious. A translucent Chwoka swims down and "merges" with the real Chwoka, who snaps awake and swims up. Cut to the top of the pool. Chwoka comes up, gasping for air.}

CHWOKA: Okay, let's not try that again, and n-Jerry?

{Jerry is face down on the ground, mumbling about something or other. He suddenly wakes up.}

JERRY: Oh... oh God... where have I been! Ugh, I feel like I'm going to explode.

{Jerry looks at Vanhock.}

JERRY: How did I get to your house?

{Cut to MundLund where a dragon swipes Kanjiro off the mountain}

KANJIRO: AHHHhhhh!

{Cuts to the backyard where Kanjiro falls out of the tree, hitting his head on the ground}

KANJIRO: {Rubbing his head} What happened...? Why am I on the ground?

VANHOCK: Uh, you guys came to our house to play some poker, then you finished that and went to the backyard?

JERRY: I don't know... if I was playing poker I'd have more money and more cards up my sleeve. Which I carry around. All the time.

{Pause.}

JERRY: Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

{Jerry runs offscreen.}

JERRY: Can somebody pull my hair back? 'Cause--oh, never mind.

{Chwoka climbs out of pool and grabs Kanjiro.}

CHWOKA: Kanjiro! We need to get back to Mundlund!

JERRY: ... Oh, yeah! That's where we were! Man, that was awesome!

CHWOKA: Okay, let's work our way back...

{cut to a tree. Chwoka is prying on where the door's edge used to be, but to no avail.}

CHWOKA: M-maybe it was on the other side.

{Chwoka switches to pulls ont the other side, but still nothing happens.}

{long pause}

JERRY: Try again. Harder.

{Chwoka repeats the same actions seen above.}

{short pause}

CHWOKA: Okay, maybe we activated some kind of switch before we came here...

{Cut to a black and white flashback. Chwoka runs outside, carrying 2 ace of spades. Jerry rushes out after him. Chwoka is laughing.}

CHWOKA: I knew there was some reason you were so good at Texas Hold 'Em!

JERRY: Hey, those cards weren't supposed to fall out of my sleeve!

{Chwoka is laughing. Pan to the left. Zoom in. Mushrooms are sitting there in the grass. Long pause. Shwoka's face falls down next to the mushroom, eyes closed.}

CHWOKA: Ow! You can't shove me down!

{Chwoka opens his eyes.}

CHWOKA: Oh crap. Mushrooms.

JERRY: Where did those come from?

{Jerry looks up and sees some mushrooms in the tree.}

JERRY: Huh. Tree 'shrooms.

KANJIRO: Do you think they're edible? I am kind of hungry.

JERRY: I dunno, I'll try it.

{Jerry plucks a mushroom from the tree and eats it.}

JERRY: ... Woah. Dude, dude... try this.

{Cut back to the present.}

KANJIRO: So there was no magical wonderland? Just trippy mushrooms?

JERRY: No, no. The mushrooms are the key to getting into Mundlund! They let us see the door!

CHWOKA: No, the mushrooms weren't the key. Those mushrooms, anyway.

{Cut abck to the flashback}

CHWOKA: Those are barnacles, guys! But check these out...

{cut back to the mushrooms from earlier. Chwoka's foot appears behind them.}

CHWOKA: My brother is gonna FREAK when he sees this. He doesn't want blemishes on our lawn. How can we get rid of these, guys?

(OOC: The correct answer is "BURN 'EM!")

JERRY: I've got the weirdest urge to cleanse it with flames. That's usually what I do when I have a problem.

CHWOKA: I feel that is the correct answer.

{Chwoka pulls out a lighter from behind his back and lights the mushrooms on fire. They all inhale the smoke. Suddenly, color bleeds in.}

CHWOKA: {voice-over} -and that's, I think, when it all started.

{The tree rumbles, but with no accompanying sound effect. cut back to the present.}

JERRY: But I don't remember any of that stuff past the decision to burn it...

{Cut back to the b&w flashback. The mushrooms are unburnt.}

CHWOKA: No, we shouldn't burn the mushrooms. Let's just leave it alone for now.

{color bleeds in and the tree rumbles again}

{cut back to the present}

CHWOKA: Well, then, how do you explain {points dramatically off-screen, left and down} THAT!?

{Pan over to the left. There are some smoldering ashes where the largest mushroom was.}

JERRY: Uhhh... huh. That is a bit odd. Wait... maybe...

{Cut back to the b&w flashback. The three return.}

JERRY: Nah, we should probably burn it.

{Chwoka nods and lights the mushroom on fire. The color starts to bleed in again.}

{Cut back to the present.}

JERRY: ... Maybe...

CHWOKA: Regardless, we got high off of mushroom fumes!

JERRY: Well.

{Pause.}

JERRY: We should do it again some time.

KANJIRO: Totally, man!