(even if you aren't vegan)


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{Cut to Garfield, at the front door of Stephanie's apartment. His cellphone looks to have been shot at.}

GARFIELD: Ah, shoot. I didn't plan for that to happen.

{Garfield turns to his right, where a blonde man in white, formal attire points a smoking pistol.}

JACQUES: Bonjour, Monsieur Bellinski.

{Garfield tilts his head, confusingly at Jacques.}

GARFIELD: Can you remind me who you are again?

JACQUES: My name is Jacques Du-Four. I-

{Garfield's eyes widen.}

GARFIELD: Wow, I... didn't know there was a celebrity in my midst? Huh, you'd think Stephanie would've given me a heads-up about tha-

{Garfield's left hand goes for the doorknob to open the door to Stephanie's apartment, but the doorknob is shot at by Jacques.}

JACQUES: The government of Lavosia has paid for my travels to deal with the likes of you, and you will not escape me as you've escaped my protege.

{The word protege echoes in Garfield's mind. An image of Rosemary Touchdown appears within, signalling to Garfield who exactly Jacques is referring.}

GARFIELD: Why would you tell me all that?

JACQUES: I feel it is honourable to grant you clarification within your last moments of life.

{Garfield lifts out an arm, as if aiming it like a gun.}

GARFIELD: My Sphere of Annihilation to your pistol.

{Garfield tries to cast a Sphere of Annihilation - it begins with a sphere made out of lapis lazuli appearing over Jacques' blonde hair. A few seconds of nothing happen, but the sphere just appears over DuFour's head. More time passes by, much to Garfield's ire.}

JACQUES: I'm starting to think that you're not worth nearly the amount I'm being paid to deal with you.

{Garfield readies his fist.}

GARFIELD: I really should've prepared for this, with even just a few more of my high school gadgets.

{Garfield backs himself to a wall, while Jacques readies his pistol. He then proceeds to try to use his body as a battering ram, while activating the rocket boots to propel him. Jacques takes a third shot, which hits Garfield in the shoulder; doing so does not stop his movement, as the door to Stephanie's apartment breaks open. Additionally, Garfield throws a tupperware full of takoyaki, which lands perfectly on a counter next to the fridge, as he is sent forward past the living room, and away from Jacques' main line of sight.}


{Jacques heads inside, cautiously looking around to see where Garfield might've gone. Cut to Garfield, who has crash-landed onto Stephanie's bedroom, face-first into a pile of pillows. He is barefoot, with the rocket shoes firmly wedged into part of her bedframe. Garfield wears an expression of intense pain, but looks to be biting into one of the pillows to silence himself. As Garfield lifts his head upward, a closet door can be heard opening.}

XAVIER: Ah, Noxigar Bellinski. Is this one of your LARPs, I-?

{Garfield spits out the pillow he was biting on, giving Xavier a cold glare.}

GARFIELD: You planned this.

{Garfield looks Xavier up and down, as he otherwise appears to be wearing a similarly fancy, white suit.}

XAVIER: Oh, no. Far be it from me to get back at a person who knowingly robbed me blind. And-

GARFIELD: I know that you know that Stephanie knows that I'm Spartacus.

{Xavier blinks.}

XAVIER: I was actually expecting you to deny it, to start crying and begging for mercy. I would then drag you out of this apartment, by your ass, and feed you to a pet tiger as I slowly watch it be judge, jury, and executioner for your crimes. I even had your beloved's blessing on this front.

{Xavier takes out a contract, with Stephanie's signature in what Garfield identifies as blood. Garfield's eyes glow red, upon reading the contract. He also sees the signature of The Chief of Police, below.}

GARFIELD: Enough of the theatrics.

{Garfield lunges forward at Xavier, readying a fist which viciously collides with Xavier's penis. The camera zooms to Xavier's face, which wears a look of horror before cutting away from him as he's about to howl in pain. The camera cuts away to Debonair and Droll, who look to be playing a game of chess. Debonair flinches, and his skeletal hands cover his crotch as he falls down from his chair.}

DROLL: M'lord! What doth be the matter?

DEBONAIR: T'is th't ne'er-do-well. M'descendant has gotten himself punched in the cock by a brigand of unknown origin.

DROLL: Th't... that doesn't sound-

DEBONAIR: G'damn it.

{Cut back to Xavier and Garfield, who are now fist-fighting in Stephanie's bedroom. Jacques shows up minutes later, recognizing his employer and his target are occupied with each other. While trying to attack Garfield, he shoots with his pistol, but winds up hitting Xavier instead.}

XAVIER: Jacques, you imbecile! Actually hit the person you're supposed to!

JACQUES: Je suis desole!

{Jacques attempts another shot at Garfield, which hits some of the support on Stephanie's bed. He then shoots a final time, hitting more of the support. The roof comes crashing down, and hits Garfield on the head as he's thrown into the bed. He looks visibly stunned, as a result of being concussed. Xavier turns around to divert his attention to Jacques.}

XAVIER: Jacques, I thought you said your sharpshooting was good.

JACQUES: It is. If I was farther away, I could've taken the time to actually determine the precise shot needed to not hit you!

{Garfield attempts to get up, but D'Arque isn't having any of it.}

XAVIER: Oh, no you fucking don't.

{One of Xavier's combat-footed feet stomp on Garfield's back, essentially pinning him in place.}

GARFIELD: Oh, what are you going to do with an empty pistol?

{Xavier keeps his foot on Garfield's back, while turning his head to Jacques.}

XAVIER: How deep is the bathtub in her bathroom? I want to see if we can drown him. I don't want any blood on either of our expensive suits.

{Jacques leaves the room. Xavier stomps harder on Garfield.}

XAVIER: Honestly, I don't even know what the fuss is about you. I've honestly never heard of you, and it seems like all you really are is a nuisance to everyone around you.

GARFIELD: So you're telling me the Nobel Prize I got in East Germany-

XAVIER: Oh, shut the hell up. Germany's whole, it's been whole for probably your entire lifespan.

{Short pause.}

GARFIELD: So has everything I've accomplished been for nothing?

XAVIER: Not just nothing. Absolutely nothing.

{Garfield uses his feet to attempt to trip Xavier. Due to his positioning, the attempt winds up clumsy. However, Xavier does lose his grip on Garfield, as a result of needing to keep his balance. Almost as soon as Xavier regains his composure, Garfield does a roundhouse kick which knocks him down. Jacques arrives, in the nick of time. His expression signals disappointment.}

JACQUES: Monsieur D'Arque, I thought you were in the United States Army. How did you-

{Garfield dive-kicks Jacques in the chest, knocking the wind out of him and causing both of them to fall down. Jacques has to take time to recover from the blow.}

GARFIELD: Noxigar Bellinski used Hi-Jump Kick. "Super effective" is an understatement.

{Garfield then goes over to Stephanie's bathroom, to see that the tub is full. He takes a rubber duck from the bathtub, and heads into the kitchen. He puts the takoyaki tupperware in the fridge, and then readies the rubber duck in a combat stance. Xavier has already gotten up, and attempts to engage in combat with Garfield.}

XAVIER: Well, your bounty doesn't say anything about stealing it from the bounty hunter, so...

{Garfield and Xavier are once again distracted by fisticuffs with each other, for a few minutes. Garfield hits Xavier in the nose with the rubber duck, sending him back a bit and causing him to bleed. This causes him to pause for a moment, as he witnesses part of his suit having been ruined.}

XAVIER: Ohhhh, okay. Now I kind of don't care how we kill this bastard.

{Garfield tries to roundhouse kick Xavier again, but this time he catches the kick, locking him into place. Xavier turns to Jacques.}

JACQUES: I'm afraid my ammunition was left in the car.

XAVIER: Shut up, and help me get this jackass to the tub so we can-

{Garfield punches Xavier in the penis again, causing Xavier to flinch immensely. However, due to the awkward position, this punch doesn't land as harshly, which allows Xavier to maintain his grip on Garfield's foot.}

XAVIER: You are making this extremely difficult, Bellinski.

{Garfield wears an expression of annoyance.}

GARFIELD: Death, I don't think telling me I'm going to have sex with this guy's wife while dressed up as Bugs Bunny is helpful right now...

{An awkward silence fills the room.}

XAVIER: I'm sorry, would you like to repeat that again?

{Another awkward silence occupies the room, for a few seconds. Then, Garfield randomly bursts into laughter.}

GARFIELD: Death just told me I'm going to fuck your wife while LARPing as Bugs Bunny.

{Xavier's grip tightens, as he throws Garfield at Stephanie's bathroom. This breaks part of her apartment wall.}

XAVIER: You aren't going to be anywhere near my wife, you insolent gnat.

{Garfield gets up, and proceeds to throw the rubber duck from earlier at Xavier. Garfield then bull-rushes Xavier, knocking him down. Jacques gets up, and grabs Garfield by his neck.}

JACQUES: At this rate, you've been more trouble than I anticipated.

{Garfield knees Jacques in the gut, then tries to go for a punch to the face. The punch gets blocked by one of Jacque's hands, as the bounty hunter falls to his knees.}

GARFIELD: I take it you're more of a hit-and-run type of guy.

{Garfield stomps on Jacques' hand, and proceeds to go into Stephanie's bedroom closet. He takes out some pepper spray, and readies it. He looks around, then sees Xavier coming out from within the entrance to the bedroom. Garfield immediately sprays Xavier's face, which causes him to grimace. However, Xavier still offers a haymaker, which connects with Garfield's left cheek and causes him to stumble a bit. Xavier seems to be struggling with an attempt to recover quickly from the pepper spray, but he continues attacking Garfield and sending him randomly through Stephanie's almost-ruined bedroom. Time skips to where D'Arque and Garfield are not far from the bedroom window. Both look massively worse for wear, having landed blows on each other.}

GARFIELD: As much as I despise the Rule of Three, I presume this third attack shall end you...

{Garfield attempts to punch Xavier in the cock once more, and this time it looks as if his fist was glowing a dark purple. However, Xavier dodges at the literal last second. This causes Garfield to instead punch the bedroom window. Due to how fast he was moving, Garfield winds up projecting himself upwards. Gravity eventually reaches its logical conclusion, and Garfield finds himself falling out of the window, presumably to the ground below. The camera fades to black.}