(even if you aren't vegan)


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Oh yes, yes again.


{Open to a long, sweeping shot of an anonymous town lightly peppered with classical music. The sky is dark grey, the weather overcast. A plane flies over the town, from the right side of the screen to the left. The title pops up - "Wikihood" - then fades. As the title fades, zoom inward to the plane. Multiple passengers can be seen. Cut to the plane itself, then another sweeping shot. The camera reaches a door marked "First Class," which opens to let the camera continue through. Eventually, the camera passes a booth filled with smoke. Two passengers - one dark-skinned Drow and a human - are the focus of the shot.}

LEIGH: {coughs} Man, did I pick a bad time to get on.

{Cut to a shot inside the smoke.}

JULIAN ROSENBERG: Sorry about that, homie. My pops and his friends always pull this kind of shit. It's not like we can jump out again.

LEIGH: Again? I thought it was just the one time!

{Leigh continues coughing.}

JULIAN: It was.

LEIGH: Jesus, I wonder how my brother's doing.

{Cut to a shot of another Drow, who doesn't look too different from Leigh save for lighter-coloured hair. He is in a nice suit, playing Dance Dance Revolution flawlessly. His mouth moves, as if to sing alongside what he is dancing to. Cut back to Leigh and Julian.}

JULIAN: Probably boring legal work.

LEIGH: Man, I wish cellphone signals were better on these things!

JULIAN: Yeah, I wonder how The Cockpuncher is doing.

LEIGH: Madds is doing alright, I think.

{On the overhead radio, Africa by Toto plays.}

JULIAN: Woo, my jam!

{Leigh and Julian begin singing the lyrics. Zoom outward, to reveal what's below the plane at the time - a prison - while the music still plays. Cut to the prison, where a human is being escorted by two Orc guards. The prisoner and the two guards stop by an office where a third Orc is present.}

AGROB: Two years' time off for good behaviour? You? I don't believe it!

CHAOS: I don't know if I believe it, either.

KRUSK: Well, I know I have...

{Krusk goes through some papers.}

KRUSK: A release at 3:30 AM. Correct me, if I'm wrong. Felix Abraxas Zabat?

CHAOS: Everyone calls me-

{The third Orc - Philloren - elbows Chaos.}

PHILLOREN: We're not starting this bit.

CHAOS: Ugh, come on! I'm-

{Krusk clears his throat.}

KRUSK: So, did we learn anything?

CHAOS: To not get caught.

{Abgrob smacks Chaos upside the head.}

CHAOS: Ow! Yeah, yeah, to... to not commit any more crimes, be a productive member of society, I know the spiel.

{Short pause.}

KRUSK: That'll do.

AGROB: Let's give him his stuff back, and get this over with. I already had to miss my Welsh terrorists television show 'cause of this assclown.

{Krusk nods.}

CHAOS: Rest assured, I at least have my ride sorted out.

PHILLOREN: I would hope so. You were supposed to be in here for five years.

{Krusk takes out multiple items.}

KRUSK: Black shirt... check. Black jeans... check. Leather belt... check. Skull belt buckle... check. Toshiteck Cassette Player... check. Wallet... check. Credit card... check. Oh, um. Condoms... check. Klaus Nomi cassette... check. And a Ring of Destruction... check. Does all this sound right to you?

{Chaos examines all the items.}

CHAOS: Surprisingly, all still in good shape.

AGROB: It's a shame the ring doesn't fit my pinky.

{Chaos frowns. Then, a buzz is heard outside. All eyes turn to a window, the camera following suit. In the distance, an ice cream truck can be spotted.}

KRUSK: Nice ride, eh?

{The ice cream truck gets closer, playing La Cucaracha through use of a horn.}

CHAOS: What the-


{Chaos visibly shakes.}

CHAOS: {voiceover} No no no no no no no no. This has got to be a mistake-

{A blond-haired man gets out of the truck. He appears in his mid-20's, wearing a red-and-blue bowling shirt and acid-washed jeans. He approaches Chaos, warmly embracing him.}

???: Chaos, mon! I missed ya!

PHILLOREN: I take it you know this guy?

???: Know 'im? Hah, of course 'e knows me! I'm 'is guardian!

{The tan-skinned man shakes every guard's hand.}

LEX: My name's Lex, and I'm 'is ride!

{Chaos closes his eyes and sighs.}

CHAOS: Let's just get the hell out of here.

{Chaos runs off. Lex slowly, but surely, follows him.}

CHAOS: {whispering} I thought you "found a sick new ride that would be super dope."

LEX: This is a sick new ride! Well, after one o' my pals helped touch up on all th' things in it.

{Chaos facepalms.}

CHAOS: Sounds like you've gotten along in my absence, so... everything's good, then.

{Chaos gets in the passenger's side of the truck, with Lex in the driver's.}

LEX: You seem tense. Relax, brother. I got us a nice place in Townindale.

CHAOS: Towningdale? Now, I'm intrigued. What kind of place is it?

LEX: You'll see.

{Lex and Chaos drive off.}


{After a few seconds, the radio can be heard playing.}

ANCHOR: After a terrifying standoff with the military, the goons responsible for robbing the Byzantium building were successfully subdued; all civilians were relieved, in no small part thanks to the lack of casualties. This is Sarah Khoroushi, and you are listening to the-

{Chaos turns the dial, switching the radio off.}

LEX: Come on, I was listenin' to that!

CHAOS: It bored me.

LEX: I'd been followin' the story for the past couple hours, mate!

CHAOS: What are hours, compared to days? Days, compared to weeks? Weeks, compared to months? MONTHS, COMPARED TO YEARS?!

LEX: Three years, compared to five?

CHAOS: Easy for you to say. You didn't get caught.

LEX: Things have kinda been hell for all o' us since ya left.

CHAOS: What, did the cash you make off with not last long?

LEX: I couldn't turn it all into gold!


LEX: Well, at least the paper I was given instead had been helpful to people.

{Short pause.}

CHAOS: You... you didn't spend it all in one place, right?

LEX: 'Course not.

{Chaos is visibly more nervous than before.}

CHAOS: Y'know what? Let's put the radio back on. It's been ages until I've actually listened to music, y'know? Proper music, not the stuff they play in the prisons. The good stuff.

LEX: Y'got it!

{Lex turns the dial on the car stereo, moving through various FM frequencies until Chaos shoves his hand away, leaving the radio on a station playing I Wouldn't Want To Be Like You, by the Alan Parsons Project.}

CHAOS: This one.

LEX: Alright, there's one last thing I should-

CHAOS: It can wait. I need this.

{Lex wordlessly nods. Zoom out to a montage of the truck driving on the highway by the sea as the music plays. As dawn begins to appear, the Wikihood show title appears over the glistening waters, illuminated by the rising sun. As the truck begins to enter a small city, we cut back to the interior.}

LEX: Almost there!

CHAOS: A place in Towningdale, of all cities?

LEX: I couldn't let ya down.

CHAOS: You definitely didn't.

{Chaos sticks his head out of the window, looking at the beautiful metropolis outside.}

CHAOS: Can you smell the air? It smells like freedom, doesn't it? You and me, we hit the big shots!

{As the truck goes further through downtown, Chaos turns to Lex.}


LEX: Just a little bit more.

{The truck goes even further. Cut to the outside becoming less and less wealthy-looking, until a small glimmer of immense quality reaches Chaos' eyes.}

LEX: Little Moscow.

CHAOS: I'm sorry, what?

LEX: That's where we live now.

CHAOS: Do you speak French?

LEX: I'm still learnin'.

{The truck stops. It is parked in front of a small Eastern-European restaurant, which has a sign reading "Katyusha's."}

CHAOS: What? This is a pierogi bar.

{Lex turns the car off, and exits the vehicle.}

CHAOS: What, are we visiting a friend?

LEX: In a manner of speaking, sure.

{Lex and Chaos head inside the pierogi bar. It looks empty.}

LEX: Damn, he must've closed early.


LEX: The owner of the pierogi bar.

CHAOS: Nani the fuck?

{Lex heads up some stairs, with Chaos not far behind. They eventually come across an apartment. Its diminutive size, flickering lights, and only-two-bedrooms alarm Chaos.}

LEX: Ta-da~

CHAOS: This...

{Chaos collapses onto his knees, a look of despair on his face.}

CHAOS: This is not a mansion. It's a...

{Zoom in to Chaos' despaired look.}


????????: Oh, boo. I give your face a 2/10.

LEX: Ayyyyyyyy, Garfield!

{Pan to reveal a man who looks to be in his early 30's, somewhat tall and lanky. He wears a thick pair of glasses, along with a wifebeater with a blue buttoned shirt which is open, and a pair of shorts. On his feet are a pair of bunny slippers. He looks slightly disheveled, with scruffy brown hair, and a five o'clock shadow. In his hand is a glass of liquid of indiscernible origin, from which he takes momentary sips.}

GARFIELD: Would you guys like some Naminade?

CHAOS: The hell is a Naminade?

{Garfield blinks.}

GARFIELD: Wait a second, that's not one of your sex worker friends!

{Garfield coughs.}

GARFIELD: The name's Noxigar Bellinski. For legal reasons, I've taken to calling myself "Garfield Wiggins."

{Lex leans into Chaos' ear.}

LEX: {whispers} It's a long story.

GARFIELD: And for the record, Naminade is a beverage of my own making. I mix Jolt Cola, some fruit punch, and Japanese Sake. I occasionally improvise with other ingredients, sometimes adding a tablet of Midol whenever my back hurts or when I feel a need for the danger.

LEX: Oh man, pour me out a glass too, Gar! I am parched!

{Chaos shrugs.}

CHAOS: I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try it. Though...

{Chaos turns to Lex.}

CHAOS: There's an elephant in the room I'd like to discuss first, with my friend.

LEX: Don't be mean, Chaos! Garfield's not an elephant!

GARFIELD: I can understand what might've caused a false impression. See, it all started back in 2006, where I-

CHAOS: I meant in private, thank you.


{And all Garfield had to say was "Oh." Pan to Lex and Chaos, who have moved to a different room.}

CHAOS: First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, WHAT THE FUCK?!

LEX: Chaos, you seem on edge toda-


{Garfield enters the room, his eyes glowing red. He punches Chaos in the face.}

LEX: Garfield, that was kind of excessive.

{Garfield's eyes stop glowing.}

GARFIELD: I thought he was going to hurt you.

CHAOS: I probably w-

{Chaos' voice is muffled by Lex's hand covering his mouth. Lex awkwardly smiles.}

LEX: Chaos, chill.

{Garfield nods wordlessly, and exits the room. Everything is silent for a few seconds, then Lex stops covering Chaos' mouth.}

CHAOS: Okay, I'm... chill, I guess. I am curious, though... what happened to the mo-

{Zoom to Chaos' brain. The gears within look like they had stopped, but after a second they start turning at an increased speed.}

CHAOS: oooooooohhhhhhhh

LEX: There were a couple snags.

CHAOS: I think... I think I understand. So... what have you been doing for the last three years?

LEX: A humble, yet relaxing cashier job at a mattress store.

CHAOS: Fuck. And what about that other guy?

LEX: Garf? Oh, I think he works as a geneticist for NoxCorp. I don't know, I never really asked him about his work life, truth be told.

CHAOS: A geneticist? Don't... don't they earn a lot of money?

LEX: Yeah, like, six figures I think?

{Close-up of Chaos' face as a wide smile emerges. He puts his hand on Lex's shoulder.}

CHAOS: You know what? I think this was a good talk.

LEX: It was?

CHAOS: Indeed it was. I think we have a good way of getting further in life, my friend.

LEX: Gee, Chaos, that's great, mon!

CHAOS: Now, if you would excuse me, I want to properly meet our new housemate.

{Chaos leaves the room and walks over to Garfield, putting his arm around him.}

CHAOS: Garfield, eh?

GARFIELD: Why the sudden change of tune?

CHAOS: I had a lot of catching up to do. I don't recall you entering Lex's life when I last saw him, so... how long have you been here?

GARFIELD: In this joint? I've been here since...

{Short pause.}

GARFIELD: I apologize, I'm losing track of the years.

CHAOS: It's cool, it's cool. I heard you, uh, worked as a geneticist?

GARFIELD: You heard correctly. I am indeed a geneticist for NoxCorp.

CHAOS: Aaaaaaaand you've been here for enough time?

GARFIELD: Affirmative.

CHAOS: This tiny apartment? You've had a six figure job, and you've been living... here?


CHAOS: And you get six figures?

GARFIELD: Si, senor.

CHAOS: What exactly do you... do with that money?

{Garfield's eyes widen.}

GARFIELD: Allow me.

{Garfield grabs Chaos' wrist, and escorts him to his bedroom. In a stark contrast to the rest of the apartment, the room looks recently refurbished, and immensely organized, though the closet space is visibly occupied by a revolving door with what appears to be weapons and other treasures inside; even this closet is organized.}

GARFIELD: I collect a multitude of different objects, across myriad auctions.

{Chaos slowly nods.}

GARFIELD: I had originally planned to make a Movie Museum, or "Movieum." Alas, I have blacklisted myself from interacting with a lot of Hollywood's big wigs, on account of their racism against Drow and rampant acts of paedophilia and other vile forms of abuse.

{Garfield shows a blonde wig and a sketchbook.}

GARFIELD: I've taken to trying to combat the system, through means of a LARP-sona.


GARFIELD: Live Action Roleplay Persona.

CHAOS: I see.

GARFIELD: I also craft my own armour and weapons, which has a bit of an upkeep all its own. This would include...

{Garfield points to a giant blue claymore.}

GARFIELD: A moon-powered claymore, inspired by a legendary sword once wielded...

{Garfield looks to be in pensive thought.}

GARFIELD: a friend who recently passed away. She loved a show called "Pelleasquest," so in spite of my repulsion toward the show I thought I'd make something in tribute of it and her.

{Chaos looks saddened.}

CHAOS: I'm sorry for your loss.

{Garfield sighs.}

GARFIELD: I apologize for the disheveled state of the remainder of the apartment. I had hoped to tidy it up just a teensy bit more. I'll admit, I get lost sometimes in my smithing.

{Garfield takes out a monocle. He does an impression, where he makes his voice super deep and raspy, while he waves his arms.}


{Chaos cocks a brow.}

GARFIELD: Sorry about that. Not a fan of the great Cyclops comedian, Catras Goldstein? I thought you'd be.

CHAOS: Never heard of him, I'm afraid.

{Garfield shows a cardboard cut-out of Nicholas Cage.}

GARFIELD: I once traveled to an alternate dimension, and tried to steal the Declaration of Independence. My plans were foiled by a foolish samurai warrior, but I got to take a cardboard cut-out of the guy who was to aid me in my efforts.

CHAOS: Okay, I will be frank with you. I could not give a shit about any of that other stuff, but that did impress me. Nic Cage, really?


CHAOS: Do you spend your entire paycheck on these things?

GARFIELD: The cardboard cut-out was free. The remainder of the stuff here does tax me a peg, but I do have some baller savings, if I say so myself. I would move, but I might miss an auction. I am often perusing the Internet and the Dwarfnet for new items for sale.


GARFIELD: Yes, I know, you probably do feel overwhelmed by my collection. I understand.

{Without a word, Chaos leaves the room. He goes into the front room and sits down on the couch, monologuing to himself.}

CHAOS: I'm poor as hell, and I'm sharing an apartment with two idiots. Great. Just great.

{He sighs.}

CHAOS: I'm really gonna have to do this the hard way, ain't I? I really should've stayed in school.

{Chaos looks down and notices his glass of Naminade still on the coffee table. He picks it up.}

CHAOS: Ah, screw it.

{Chaos drinks as he picks up the television remote and turns the television on. The screen becomes black-and-white, then goes "fast-forward." Gold text on the top center says "7:00 AM," and persists, as the camera cuts to Lex's bedroom. It dissipates, as the alarm clock says the same time and goes off to the tune of Mr Blue Sky, by ELO.}

ALARM: Good morning! Today's forecast calls for blue skies.

{As the music begins, Lex opens his eyes. He smiles widely, stretching his arms and taking the covers off of him as he gets up. The alarm sings the lyrics of Mr Blue Sky, while Lex continues throughout. He hops out of bed in his pajamas and immediately pulls open the curtains. He opens the window; this reveals a pleasant, sunny scene outside. Passersby are shown, as Lex greets them from the window. After a few seconds of greeting said people, he does a merry jig towards his closet, going through his wardrobe. He peers through varying outfits with a curious pose, as a lightbulb appears over his head and he grabs one among the outfits. He spins around and now wears his new outfit. He marches towards the bathroom, brushing his teeth in front of the mirror. A Soviet mouse shows up near the sink, with Lex greeting it through a warm smile and wave. The mouse simply salutes Lex back. After marching out of the bathroom, a pillow hits Lex, which puts a stop to the music.}


{The pillow falls off of Lex's face, planting into the ground with a thud. Chaos also hits the ground with a thud, attempting to get off the couch but instead rolling off it.}

LEX: But, it's Saturday morning!

{Chaos gets up, and grips Lex by the shoulders.}

CHAOS: For me, "Saturday morning" starts at 2:00 in the afternoon.

LEX: Did... did you sleep last night?

CHAOS: I want to say I did?

{The screen rewinds, with gold text saying "4:30 AM." Chaos has a glass of Naminade in his hands, and he is watching the television. Sounds of clashing swords, gore, and hardcore sex can be heard offscreen, as he watches.}

CHAOS: I can't believe it. They've finally managed to reconcile my love for pornography and violence. This is awesome.

{Chaos' head slowly falls into one of the couch arms.}

CHAOS: {yawns} Just... one... more... episode...

{Fast-forward back to the present.}

CHAOS: Nevermind that, it's still to early! I bet Garfield isn't awake yet!

{Pan to Garfield in the kitchen.}

GARFIELD: I've been up since 5:00.

{Cut back to Chaos and Lex.}

CHAOS: You guys are weird.

LEX: Up for a morning run?

CHAOS: My options are "No" and "Fuck no."

LEX: Aw, c'mon! I gotta keep my cardiovascular health goin'!

CHAOS: Good for you, but I don't subject myself to exercise this early.

GARFIELD: All that so-called "exercise" is kind of pointless, if you decide to run on empty.

CHAOS: Oh man, now that is something that I can agree with. Food.

{Chaos goes toward the kitchen.}

CHAOS: So, Garfield. What are you making?

GARFIELD: Bacon, eggs, grits, sausage, toast, and jam.

CHAOS: What? No cool nickname for that combination?

GARFIELD: Not really. It's kind of just a bog standard breakfast, really. Though, I do relish in making happy clown faces with the eggs and bacon!

LEX: I suppose it isn't harmful to get somethin'.

{Lex takes a seat at the dining table. Garfield brings a plate of food and lays it in front of Lex. He takes two more plates of food and puts them down as both he and Chaos seat themselves. Forward to them talking while eating.}

CHAOS: Y'know, I've been meaning to ask. What did I miss while I was in prison?

LEX: Quite a lot, actually.

{The screen slows down a bit.}

LEX: Politics politics politics politics politics politics politics politics.

{Garfield's face looks crestfallen.}

GARFIELD: Politics politics politics politics politics politics politics politics.

{The screen returns to normal speed.}

CHAOS: I'd like to be caught up on things that aren't lame and boring. Is Betty White still alive?

LEX: I... think so?

{Chaos sighs in relief.}

CHAOS: All I needed to know.

{The screen slows down once again.}

GARFIELD: Politics politics politics politics politics politics politics politics.

{The screen returns to normal speed.}

CHAOS: Dude. Stop.

{Garfield blinks.}

GARFIELD: My apologies.

{Lex has finished his breakfast.}

LEX: Yummers! Mmm, really gets the blood flowin', ya?

{Lex stands up from the table and does a few stretches.}

CHAOS: Lex, wait!

{Lex pauses.}

CHAOS: I've given this a second thought. I'll come with you. I've got to see what Towningdale's like, now that I'm back.

LEX: I knew you'd come around! I can show you all around the city, introduce you t'some of my friends, y'know?

CHAOS: Hell, even Garfield can come!

GARFIELD: Hard pass on that, I'm afraid.

CHAOS: How come?

GARFIELD: Personally, I'd rather it be dark, or raining. I'm sure I could stomach The Sun if distracted by a good conversation, though.

LEX: It's just not his cup o' tea.

GARFIELD: Ultraviolet rays can give you cancer.

CHAOS: Oh please, everything gives you cancer nowadays. What's next? Smoking?

LEX: Hasn't that been proven for a while?

{The screen slows down, for the third time.}

CHAOS: Politics politics politics politics-

{The screen resumes at normal speed.}

GARFIELD: Huh. I think I just heard a fair bit of cruel irony.

{Chaos and Lex stare blankly at Garfield.}

GARFIELD: {coughs} Perhaps I'll join you guys later.

{They both shrug at him, then head towards the door. As they do so, however, the ground begins to shake.}


{The door slams open, revealing a tall, muscular man wearing black pants and a white shirt with suspenders. He has a perfectly shaved head, and an exquisitely maintained moustache. In his hand, is a large tray of fresh pierogies.}

LEX: Oy, Volkov!

VOLKOV: Privyet, Sasha!

CHAOS: ...Sasha?

VOLKOV: I heard that new roommate is here, yes?

{Volkov peers down at Chaos, who is slightly intimidated by the sight of the large man.}

CHAOS: Uh, hello.

{Chaos holds out his hand. Volkov smiles and grasps it incredibly firmly, causing it to make a cracking sound as Chaos grimaces past the pain.}

VOLKOV: Felix, I presume? Sasha told many tales about you. Jailbird, eh?

CHAOS: Yeeeeah, heh.

{Volkov laughs while continuing to shake Chaos' hand, unaware of the pain he's causing him.}

VOLKOV: In my country, being jailbird was easy. You just had to make fun of guy in charge, and suddenly you're in cage. We have it easy in US of A. You make fun of guy in charge, and people laugh!

{Volkov lets go of Chaos' hand. Chaos pulls back and shakes the pain away.}

VOLKOV: I just want to say, I don't care about past. We all have pasts. It's all about present and future.

{Volkov smiles and bows.}

VOLKOV: I am Konstantin Volkov, owner of deli, and your landlord. I just wanted to say hello, and bring you welcoming gift.

CHAOS: Heh, thanks. Nice to meet you, Konstantin.

VOLKOV: Please. Call me Volkov. This is friendly building, we are all friends here. I just want you to know that you are welcome, and you are friend.

CHAOS: I, um, really appreciate it man.

VOLKOV: And it goes without saying that you are especially welcome downstairs, if you like pierogi. Of course do. You eat those pierogies, you'll be begging for more, haha!

CHAOS: Thank you, uh, um, Volkov.

VOLKOV: Anytime, Felix! Welcome to Townindale! Also, if you have any problem, please let Volkov know!

{Volkov waves as he makes his way out of the room.}

VOLKOV: Goodbye friends!

{The three wave back.}

GARFIELD: Thanks for the pierogi, Konstantin!

{The door closes.}

CHAOS: Huh. He's a friendly guy.

LEX: Oh, yeah. He's quite a card, he is.

{Short pause.}

LEX: Welp, time to show ya the city!

{Lex drags Chaos, before he can change his mind, down the stairs. The door shuts behind them, as they run past the interior of Katyusha's into the parking lot. Lex and Chaos make a small detour to go back to the parking lot, as a montage of Lex initiating runs only for Chaos to struggle with catching up to him.}

LEX: Y'know, I thought prison would make you have better stamina!

CHAOS: {huffing in between words} Not! Helping!

LEX: I can go slower, if you like!

{Lex tries to move slower, but Chaos still has trouble catching up.}

CHAOS: {huffing in between words} Oh! Fuck! You!

{Lex slows down even more, allowing for them to finally run side by side across all of Towningdale. Finally, they reach the Downtown area of the city, represented by the Town Hall building and the large park in front of it. The two reach a nearby tree. Lex stops running, while Chaos crashes down to the ground in a massive pile of sweat. He hyperventilates as he tries to regain his bearings.}

CHAOS: {huffing in between words} My... lungs... are... on... fire...

{Chaos reaches into his pockets, to get a tobacco cigarette from a pack inside.}

LEX: Are ya really sure smokin' is gonna help?

{Chaos lights the cigarette and smokes it. Initially, he coughs and huffs even harder. After the cigarette is finished, however, he sighs in relief.}

CHAOS: Much better. So, what next?

{Lex looks around.}

LEX: There's... I think some restaurants around here?

CHAOS: Well, since for me it will be breakfast time... what say you to a cereal cafe?

LEX: Cereal cafe?

CHAOS: Yeah, man. Like, cafes where you go to eat cereal.

LEX: Can't you just go to the supermarket and eat some at home?

CHAOS: I mean, yeah, of course. But in a cereal cafe, you're paying for the experience.

LEX: Of eating cereal?

CHAOS: Exactly! Going to a friendly establishment where they serve you cereal and you eat it with friends. And like, you get to eat cereal from other countries too.

LEX: I'm sorry mon, but that just sounds stupid.

CHAOS: Nah, nah, you don't get it. It's the experience. It's a little expensive, but you get the authentic experience of eating cereal with your peers.

LEX: It sounds kinda wasteful, y'know?

CHAOS: Hey, there's one in London. I mean, if something's in London, it's gotta be good, right?

LEX: It just sounds like dumb gentrification to me mo-...

{The two stop in front of a cereal cafe, named "Surreal Cereals".}

LEX: What.


{Chaos runs through the doors, while Lex follows behind him, looking around in bewilderment. The cafe is small and minimalist in its style, looking more like a museum for modern art than a cafe. Sitting at the tables are young folk in street-wear, stereotypical hipster types, all on their smart-phones. At the counter is a tall man with dirty blue hair, a fedora with a feather, a long coat, and a patchy goatee. He is wearing a name-tag which says "Tracy". Behind him is a series of shelves with different boxes of cereal.}

CHAOS: Oh my gods, this is great!

LEX: I swear this place wasn't here last week...

{The two walk up to the counter and are both greeted by Tracy, who smiles at them while looking rather dazed at the same time. He begins to speak in an accent similar to Dick Van Dyke's fake cockney accent in Mary Poppins.}

TRACY: 'Ello there, lads. What can I get ya today?

LEX: Is this place for real?

{Tracy looks around, and directly at Lex. He blinks. He does a double take as he looks around a second time.}

TRACY: Looks pretty real to me, mate. I think.

{Chaos is looking at the cereal on offer.}

CHAOS: So... many... choices...

LEX: Ya, just a question, is this place new?

TRACY: Uh... gee. I think so? We opened like, last week and stuff. Yeah. I think.

{Chaos points to a box on the top shelf.}

CHAOS: Oh my god, Space Invaders! I haven't had that cereal since I was a kid!

TRACY: You want that, mate? A'ight, let me grab it.

{Tracy shuffles to the shelf and picks up the box, bringing it to the counter. He pulls out a carton of milk from under the counter. He also pulls out a bowl.}

TRACY: Do you want it in a bowl...

CHAOS: Well, of course I want it in a bowl, what else could cereal be served-...

{Tracy pulls out a mason jar.}

TRACY: Or a mason jar?


LEX: Chaos, according to the menu, a mason jar is like four dollars extra. This place looks like a complete and total sca-...

{Before Lex can finish his sentence, Chaos has handed Tracy his credit card. Tracy scans it on the cash register, and hands Chaos a mason jar with cereal, milk, and a spoon. Chaos grabs it and sits at the table with the young hipsters. Lex sits next to him.}

CHAOS: Gee, awful nice day we're having here.

{There is no response. They all continue to look at their smartphones. Chaos turns to Lex, who shrugs.}

CHAOS: Nice place to... y'know, eat cereal from a mason jar. Like the cool kids do.

{The hipsters continue to ignore him.}

CHAOS: Huh. Tough crowd.

LEX: They're hipsters, mon. They're not ignoring ya, it's just that they have trouble noticing anyone who isn't in their age range.

CHAOS: What? I am so in their age range! I'm twenty-six years old!

LEX: Exactly, mon. Twenty-six to them, is like... forty.

CHAOS: Look, I'm still in with the kids. They just need to be spoken in a language that they understand. Watch and learn, homeslice.

{Chaos stands up and clears his throat, before addressing the hipsters in front of him.}

CHAOS: Hey, WHAZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAP, my PEEPS? Shit is mighty cray-cray around here, y'know? Fo' sheezy and all that stuff? I see y'all chillaxin' and I was just wonderin' what some of the hip and cool things goin' around this joint are. This cereal cafe, damn dawg, it sure is buzzin, eh? Totally pwns the hell out of all the other cafes in this

{One of the hipsters, a young Asian male, looks up at Chaos with an expression of both bewilderment and disgust.}

HIPSTER: If you wouldn't mind, we're all trying to have a conversation here.

CHAOS: What? You're not even saying anything!

{The hipsters all raise their phones and show Chaos, revealing that they have been texting each other the whole time. On the screens feature texts such as "wtf is this creepy dude sitting here for????", along with meme images. Chaos is visibly upset by this.}

CHAOS: This is bullshit, you guys are fuckin' losers anyway. I'm outta here. "G-T-G", nerds! C'mon, Lex.

{Chaos frowns and turns around to leave. Lex shrugs at the hipsters as he turns to follow Chaos. Tracy calls out as they walk out of the door.}

TRACY: You 'aven't even touched yer cereal! It costs an extra two quid if ya don't eat ya-

{Before Tracy can finish his sentence, the door slams behind them.}

TRACY: Jeez.

HIPSTER: What a poser.

{The hipsters all chuckle slightly before reverting back to their original smartphone forms. Cut to the exterior of the cafe.}

CHAOS: I don't get it, Lex! I used to be hip and cool with the young people! I am to be a young people! I don't get what I did wrong. I tried to speak their language and everything!

LEX: Um, nobody says any of that stuff anymore, mon.

CHAOS: They don't?

LEX: Nah. Heck, half of those things ya said were outdated before ya even went to jail.

CHAOS: Really?

LEX: Ya mon.

CHAOS: So... I didn't sound cool?

LEX: Sorry to say it mon, but ya sounded kinda ridiculous. And this is comin' from a white Jamaican dude, ya?

CHAOS: What do the young people say and do nowadays? I need to know, man. I can't stand the idea of not being top of the curve. I need to show them that I'm still hip!

LEX: Ya can start by not sayin' "the young people". But, I don't even know, I never really followed that stuff. I think they use memes? And dabbing?

CHAOS: What's a dab?

LEX: It's one of those things where- hold on, I'll just show ya.

{Lex performs a dab.}

LEX: Like that.

CHAOS: Lex. That's a Nazi salute. What you did was just a Nazi salute.

LEX: Nah man, it's like a sneeze. A fashionable sneeze.

CHAOS: It's a Nazi salute.

LEX: Nah, I'm serious! Look, I'll show ya some videos when we get home.

CHAOS: I suppose watching what the young people do would definitely make me more well-versed in what they do.

LEX: Stop callin' them the young people!

CHAOS: Right, right, yeah, okay, whatever!

{The two carry on their walk down the street, until the two are caught off-guard by a young Drow male on rollerskates, who out of nowhere runs into Chaos by accident, before tripping over himself and falling face-first onto the ground, dropping several papers in the process. Chaos is taken aback by this, and berates the Drow, while Lex proceeds to help him up off the ground.}

LEX: Are ya' alright?

CHAOS: Never mind him, what about me? Watch where you're goin', dumbass!

{Back to his feet, the Drow looks at Chaos and winces.}

LEIGH: Oh my Gods, I am so, so sorry, I didn't mean to run into you like that, oh gods, oh jeez, I- I- I'm in a rush, okay? I have a job interview in five minutes and-...

{A gust of wind causes the papers to fly off-screen.}

LEIGH: No, my resume! Darn it! First the plane is hijacked, and then this! Argh! I just hope my brother is having a better time...

{Elsewhere, a similar looking Drow male with flowing hair and a nice suit is playing DDRMAX 6thMix perfectly. Cut back to Chaos and Lex, with the Drow.}

LEIGH: Aw, he's probably dealing with a difficult case or something.

{The Drow skates off after the papers, leaving Lex and Chaos dumbfounded.}

CHAOS: Pfft, what a weirdo.

LEX: Why'd he just stare at us wide eyed for sec?

CHAOS: Hah, he's probably on drugs. Whatever, man. I wanna go home.

LEX: But... we literally only went to a cafe! That's hardly me showin' ya around a city, don't ya think?

CHAOS: Look man, after facing the shame and humiliation I did from those fresh and funky teens, I don't wanna go anywhere until I am one-hundred percent swaggin'.

LEX: Oh... okay.

{Cut back to the apartment. Garfield is occupied with a virtual map of Towningdale.}

GARFIELD: Now, how do I get to Spook Cliff the fastest way, so I can pay my respects to a chimera made by my boss' rivals?

{Garfield uses dinosaur action figures to measure distance from one part of Towningdale to another. Before he can get much in the way of results, the door springs open to reveal Chaos and Lex having returned successfully.}

LEX: Garf, we're hoooooome!

{Chaos crawls over to the couch, looking exhausted.}

CHAOS: Oh man, I am pooped. What a long day. I could go for a nap right about now.

GARFIELD: Um, you were only out for just over an hour and a half. It's still-

{Garfield puts fingers above his own head to represent air-quotes.}

GARFIELD: -"morning."

CHAOS: Hey, I had a really stressful and traumatizing experience, alright? Some kids think that I am uncool!

GARFIELD: Oh my indeed, that is definitely stressful.

LEX: I don' get why ya care so much!

CHAOS: How am I supposed to do anything useful if I don't fit in?

{Garfield and Lex look at each other, then back at Chaos. They both shrug.}

GARFIELD: I've tried fitting in countless times, and I can tell you it's not worth it.

CHAOS: Like I need tips from a guy who wastes money on luxury items when HE COULD SINGLE-HANDEDLY BUY US ACTUALLY-SUITABLE REAL ESTATE.

{Garfield frowns.}

GARFIELD: Lex and I... we almost bought a house once. We just frankly didn't have the dough to cough up, owing to our mutually high standards.

LEX: This apartment is literally all we need, mon.


{Zoom in on Chaos' face, as it reddens.}


{Zoom in on Chaos' eyes, which give him a "deranged" look.}


{Short pause.}

GARFIELD: I shall exile myself from this conversation.

LEX: Garf, you're doin' no wrong.

CHAOS: Oh, he's very much in the wrong here. IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME ON AUCTIONS, THEN-

{Garfield's eyes glow red. He punches Chaos in the face, knocking him out straight cold.}

LEX: I... I think that was excessive, mon.

GARFIELD: This is generous, compared to the intrusive thoughts swirling in my skull. He shall be spared my wrath, under the premise that we never have this topic come up again.

{Garfield attempts to carry Chaos' body, over to the couch. Lex assists him.}

LEX: We should probably get somethin' from Chief Beef's. I'm hungry, at least.

GARFIELD: I can conjure up a steak recipe from there, though let me get my sunscreen.

{Garfield's eyes stop glowing red. He and Lex each split off in different directions, with the camera zooming on Chaos' unconscious body slowly; after a minute, it fades to black.}