(even if you aren't vegan)


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A day in Noxigar's lab in the upstairs goes wrong when he tries to mix Calculus and Physics together. Awkwardness ensues.


{Cut to Noxigar in his lab in the upstairs portion of the Wikihood house.}

NOXIGAR: Alright, now let's see what Magic: the Gathering card I attempt to replicate for the purposes of having a housemate who won't mess up Lex and Chaos' peculiar yet interesting relationship with one another.

{Noxigar madly cackles. He shuffles a Deck of one-hundred-thirty-something cards, then shuffles again. He draws seven cards.}

NOXIGAR: Those two are an amusing sight.

{Noxigar looks at his hand. He rolls his eyes.}

NOXIGAR: This card again? Summoning this already got me in trouble once...

{Noxigar looks at a clock.}

NOXIGAR: Ah, damn. I have to go to tutoring-

{Noxigar hears Lex and Chaos argue again.}

NOXIGAR: Ah, damn I have to go be supportive and ensure they don't get into a fight. They'll mess up the house again. And I still haven't cleaned the garage since the last time they fought.

{Noxigar sighs.}

NOXIGAR: In order to improve my performance in both Physics and Calculus, I'll have to ensure I can maintain my time in both. So... let's see... Ah! I'll mix a Physics book and a Calculus book together. Or at least a page from each.

{Noxigar pulls a lever near his desk. Part of the wall in his lab horizontally tilts, opening a path for him to enter. He enters, and finds two books. One is of Newtonian Physics, and another is of Differential Calculus.}

NOXIGAR: Everything I must do is integral to ensuring stability.

{Noxigar takes out a page from each book, then looks right at the camera.}

NOXIGAR: Dusk, you know I took notes for these classes. My books are expendable and duplicated with ease. What do you think I do during my breaks from household chores?

{Noxigar smirks.}

NOXIGAR: And now...

{Noxigar gets a lighter and sets each page on fire. Getting a magnifying glass' lens and ripping it out from the magnifying glass, he catches the ashes. He divides the ashes meticulously into two piles, and places one pile in a Nitrate compound. The other goes into a Hydrate compound. He then places each in a centrifuge for five minutes. He then heads downstairs, seeing Lex and Chaos.}

NOXIGAR: Hey, guys! Anything seem to be the trouble?

LEX: Chaos and I were arguing about getting specific foodstuffs in groceries. Nothing really too concerning, Nox.

CHAOS: Lex do I have to explain why we're getting a George Foreman grill? We need to have people over more. And we need to get more hamburger meat.

NOXIGAR: Meh. I ate enough red meat today. Any more and I'll have to replace my heart again. Oh wait, that's right... I don't have one... damn it all.

LEX: Um, if you don't have a heart, then how are you still alive?

NOXIGAR: I have a proxy machine where my heart used to be which I charge up during the day.

CHAOS: ...not one of your damn experiments gone wrong again, is it?


CHAOS: Well that's fortunate.

LEX: Aren't I supposed to be the serious one?

NOXIGAR: Well, you both kiss and make up whilst I go back to my room. I'm trying a study method I'm sure will work!

{Noxigar runs back upstairs.}

LEX: And we wonder why we don't invite him to more of our outgoing adventures...

{Cut back to Noxigar, who is waiting on the centrifuge for an extra two minutes by taking out a sketchbook. He draws something, but the camera never focuses on the drawing.}

NOXIGAR: I feel like I'm telling jokes better-suited for Penny Arcade or {shudders} Big Bang Theory. 1

{Noxigar takes out a yellow knife. He then throws it randomly. It ends up hitting a poster, ripping it in two.}

NOXIGAR: Eesh, that poster was experiment fodder and I've messed it up. Oh well.

{Noxigar shrugs.}

NOXIGAR: Time to see about finding another hobby. Boy howdy I'm incomplete.2

{Noxigar rolls around in an office chair, spinning for a few minutes before standing up. He then tries to stand up, but given the amount of spinning done he ends up crashing into the window.}

NOXIGAR: Owwwwww... no wonder I can't Top Spin.3

{Lex and Chaos both arrive upstairs.}

CHAOS: Um, Noxigar, you okay?

NOXIGAR: Yeah, just knocked into the window flying again.

LEX: We're going to go grocery shopping. Do you want anything?

NOXIGAR: Barbecue... lots and lots of barbecue.

LEX: See? Told you.

{Lex and Chaos both leave. Noxigar gets back up, slightly groaning.}

NOXIGAR: Okay. Barbecue aside, I have work to do.

{Noxigar sits back on his chair, and notices his centrifuge has finished its business. He takes out the two vials and mixes them together. A puff of smoke ensues, turning into a medium explosion of dust. Noxigar coughs a little blood.}

NOXIGAR: Okay, bugger that idea. Now to go and wash myself.

Inherent end due to this being somewhat of a short.


1. Unfortunately, I have a very odd sense of humour. Therefore, I feel like I'm just a repertoire of odd references some days. Sure as hell makes it a pain in the ass to talk to people, that's for sure. I like Penny Arcade only a tiny bit due to its inherent randomness, and I used to like Big Bang Theory until Season 3 pretty much made later episodes worse.

2. In before I start having Noxigar sing "Heartless" by Kanye West. In countertenor-attempting-to-emulate-soprano.

3. Top Spin is the best Megaman 3 weapon ever. Nothing in that game compares to it.