(even if you aren't vegan)
User:Noxigar/NoxigarWritesTheLongestPageOnWUW
Synopsis
A long, long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away. Some guy decides to make the longest page the site has ever known. Will he succeed? That's entirely up to himself since he's the writer, cameraman, and pretty much everything of this ridiculous nonsense. You thought Green Grass and High Tides was going to take a long time? How about all those Sandbox Battles? Your Everything You Know Is Wrong: The Movie? Pssh, I'll top all that and more in length. It'll be a project that'll take me weeks, maybe even a whole year minimum, to finalize but once it's done you will all gaze in gazemazement at what I have. Which is this salsa, slowly cooked while JCM plays unfitting music.
Transcript
{Lex is sitting on a couch. He is watching some cool programs on BBC. Zoom out to reveal a widely-spaced living room. Chaos walks onscreen.}
CHAOS: Hey, Lex. Have you seen the XBox?
{Lex smirks.}
LEX: It's right here... in my pants...
{Chaos blinks.}
CHAOS: What insufferable twit puts an XBox in his pants?
{Lex shrugs, his smirk gone.}
LEX: I dunno, I just wanted to see how an XBox felt pressed against me.
{Chaos proceeds to approach Lex cautiously, sitting down on the opposite side of the couch.}
CHAOS: So, what are you watching?
LEX: I am trying to catch up on Sherlock.
CHAOS: Really?
LEX: Yeah.
CHAOS: I really wanted to play some Conker: Live and Reloaded. Can you take the XBox out of your pants?
{Lex slowly and gingerly takes the XBox out of his pants. Chaos then proceeds to vomit on the floor, evidently landing on a rug.}
LEX: Aww, dude! I just got that Persian rug that David Bowie had in a music video.
CHAOS: Ugh, don't ever put an XBox in your pants ever again.
{Chaos continues to vomit. Pan upstairs to Noxigar's room. He is getting all of Lex and Chaos' dialogue via walkie-talkie, and is laughing.}
NOXIGAR: Today is already starting out strong. I just hope the rug'll get cleaned while I sneak out.
{Noxigar jumps out his room's window.}
NOXIGAR: I should talk to more people in Town Hall.1
{Noxigar travels, by foot, north across the Wikihood Manor's street to a series of houses on the other side.}
NOXIGAR: {thinking} Now which one is the sorority that Chaos and Lex ran into trouble with? Actually, I'll deal with them last. I was on my way elsewhere anyway.
{Noxigar continues walking past several houses, now making his way west of the Wikihood House instead of north. He slowly makes his way to the border between Towningdale and Midway City, then spots a junkyard nearby. He approaches the junkyard closely. A lot of different pieces here and there appeal to Noxigar, who begins brainstorming a robotic creation the likes of which would rival Fritz and Lang.}
NOXIGAR: {thinking} I always wanted to make a bunch of robotic beings to do my bidding! I would call them Mavericks, but as soon as Chaos or Lex understood anything about them they'd toss the poor blighters out onto the street.
{A bubble appears over Noxigar's head as he's gathering different bits and pieces and putting them together. The image in the bubble represents a navy blue mixture of otter, hornet, and komodo dragon with orange jeweled tusks and diamond-studded lavender wings.}
NOXIGAR: {thinking} The first one will be called Ocean Zergling. Wait, scratch that. Zergling is not enough for this bad boy. Let's go with... Ocean Swarmling? That's slightly more intimidating a name, right?
{Noxigar shrugs as he puts different bits and pieces. Eventually, Noxigar gives the robot a pair of jet-black triangular sunglasses, and yellow action-pump gauntlets, with matching leg pieces to boot. He activates the robot via an electronic heart mechanism similar to his own; the robot wakes up and then looks at Noxigar funny.}
OCEAN SWARMLING: Are you...?
NOXIGAR: Yes, I am your maker. Nice to meet you.
{Noxigar shakes Ocean Swarmling's hand.}
OCEAN SWARMLING: So where do you live? I'm not exactly sure you're from this heap of rubble.
NOXIGAR: Towningdale. 1776 Barlow Avenue. The house isn't exactly hard to spot, and you will have company.
OCEAN SWARMLING: Uh, thanks.
{Ocean Swarmling walks offscreen in befuddlement. Noxigar smiles and does a victory jump.}
NOXIGAR: {thinking} One down, seven more to go. Or... was it eight more to go? I made Ocean Swarmling a monstrously powerful Maverick, and I should only employ him in emergencies.
{Noxigar walks east, back to Towningdale. Once he's at the border, he scratches his head.}
NOXIGAR: {thinking} Was Phoenixshire south or north of Towningdale? I regret not getting a map.
{Noxigar walks south, pretty much wandering around aimlessly. He eventually makes it to Phoenixshire, though, spotting Oiracul's old home.}
NOXIGAR: {thinking} Maybe Oiracul left something behind?
{Cut to Byzantium Corporation, which unfortunately happens to be near where Noxigar is. Inside, there are a group of eight board members with a teenage boy in a gold suit sitting down at the head.}2
BOARD MEMBER 8: Executive Adel, how do we deal with the lycanthropic nuisance who makes our business in Towningdale harmful?
ADEL: I have thought this through, companions. We shall all split up and try to take her down by exhausting her powers. If we all jump at Towningdale's feet, we will be crushed by multi-targeting aura attacks. This girl is clever, and worth the prize.
BOARD MEMBER 6: Has Dawn Agile been able to track some of her former Order of White Duke friends down?
ADEL: I don't think so. She and Bruce Violen are on vacation, and Reginald Serges is busy doing scientist work.
BOARD MEMBER 4: The lycanthrope has allies, some of whom are dangerous.
ADEL: Please. Some alien, a drow, a miserable emo kid, and a guy who likes Organization XIII way too much are hardly worth the trouble.
BOARD MEMBER 1: They were almost all notorious space pirates.
BOARD MEMBER 2: Only the alien had a moral code.
ADEL: I am talking with some business affiliates in Bluehaven who are infiltrating the Glabal at around 4:00 tomorrow. I will make sure we have obstacles ready for them by the time anything can be made into pandemonium.
BOARD MEMBER 7: Can I please ask why we gave Dawn, Bruce, and Reginald codenames based on some fairly easy SNES video game?3.
ADEL: The point is simply anonymity. Using the aliases Agile, Violen, and Serges respectively for each also serves to benefit those who aren't savvy to how I operate. And 95% of the world does not know my every modus operandi and cannot crush me.
BOARD MEMBER 3: So how about the new smartphones?
BOARD MEMBER 5: Those will not have any mind control shit or anything, right?
ADEL: I am not some bony asshole who cannot keep control of a paper bag without magic. I am a growing teenage heir to the Byzantium throne, and running a corporate empire takes a lot into consideration. Our associate Rosenberg is no dummy, since we do not deal with dummies.
BOARD MEMBER 6: Damn right we don't.
ADEL: Proceed with the plan to track and analyze the White Duke bitch's friends. Then we shall counter them as effectively as possible and slaughter every last follower of Anya.
{Zoom into Adel's face, which has a scar and an eyepatch in the middle covering the scar's trail.}
ADEL: VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE AT LONG LAST
{Adel maniacally laughs, the laughter echoing throughout all of Phoenixshire. This awakens a gargoyle who looks at Byzantium Corporation. However, due to the archaic state of the gargoyle, its usage of arms and legs are nonexistent and wings are not enough. Noxigar is near the gargoyle as it awakens.}
GARGOYLE: Good day, human.
NOXIGAR: Hm?
GARGOYLE: I have no arms to hug you with, but I have heard laughter from a great evil.
NOXIGAR: Do you go by a name, perchance?
GARGOYLE: No.
NOXIGAR: Hm. I guess I could call you Phantom Gargoyle, since you sure spooked me.
GARGOYLE: Make me limbs, and I shall proceed to aid you however I can.
{Noxigar blinks. However, noticing how decrepit the mansion is, building arms and legs connected to an electronic heart much like Noxigar's is not hard.}
PHANTOM GARGOYLE: I am forever in your debt, and so is Master Anya.
NOXIGAR: Master... Anya...?
{Phantom Gargoyle takes out a long, violet naginata.}
PHANTOM GARGOYLE: Your comparison of me to a ghost is quite apt, human.
NOXIGAR: The name's Noxigar. Commit it to memory.
PHANTOM GARGOYLE: I will, but where has Master Oiracul gone to?
NOXIGAR: 1776 Barlow Avenue, in Townindale.
PHANTOM GARGOYLE: Thank you.
{Phantom Gargoyle vanishes in a dark purple cloud.}
NOXIGAR: I didn't know gargoyles had control over clouds and mist. Must be my lucky day to have met one, since my recreation of Phantom Gargoyle has made it so I can make seven new Mavericks instead of eight.
{A lightbulb appears over Noxigar's head.}
NOXIGAR: I've got it! I know what I'll call my Mavericks! The Katawa Hearts! Now I just need seven more, and my brilliance will be able to start reforming Towningdale!
{Noxigar heads back north to Townindale, then heads east to Bluehaven. Cut to Bluehaven itself, within The Glabal's underground lair. Davros shows up with a gang leader strapped to an electric chair, being carried by some of his henchmen. The henchmen place the chair down, while getting a throne for Davros.}
DAVROS: You've made quite the noise. {Davros then looks at his hands, and places them gingerly together. He then cracks his knuckles.} I don't like Noise.
{Davros snaps his fingers, and the gang leader is zapped by a large stream of electricity. The leader is dead. Davros paces back and forth, continuing to talk to the other gang leader as though he were alive.}
DAVROS: There shall be a monopoly on turf in Bluehaven, see. I started the Glabal to make the world a better place. I'm tired of some of the shit people do, like the going into war for mundane resources and the wanton bigotry of many other gangs against fellow men.
{Davros stomps on the electric chair, snapping it in two. The gang leader's corpse falls to the ground hard. Davros sweeps it from the ground using his legs and rapid-fire punches the deceased's chest.}
DAVROS: See, many of my gang members happen to be "different" and I respect them for it.
{Davros then punches the dead gang leader in the face.}
DAVROS: So when some douchebag decides to call some of my men really vicious and incendiary names I make sure to deliver swift and proper retribution.
{Davros then snaps the dead gang leader's spine, causing it to fracture and fragment across the floor.}
DAVROS: I'm looking to be the King of Hearts in this town, and all over. There are supposed to be some mafia princesses who want to jump my bones.
{Davros decapitates the gang leader, keeping the dead guy's head while getting a chain to hang it with.}
DAVROS: I challenge anyone to make me King of the World.
{Davros attaches a chain to the dead gang leader's head, which floats offscreen. Davros then smiles, showing gold teeth.}
DAVROS: Only a man with a heart of gold may rule the world.
{Davros' henchmen finally deliver the throne to their master as he sits down on it. Then he receives word from a walkie-talkie.}
DAVROS: The hell's up?
OTHER LINE: That Nobody who befriended our New York branch is in Bluehaven. Spotted near Townindale.
DAVROS: Hm? The fuck you talkin' 'bout, mate?
OTHER LINE: I dunno his name. All I know is this guy hated Rollos and coffee.
DAVROS: That's actually pretty soddin' sad.
OTHER LINE: I agree. Take him down?
DAVROS: Nah. There's already enough I pity in this world. I don't need to clear every obstacle to my path of complete and total conquest.
OTHER LINE: In other news, we took over that C4S1NO or something. Why are there 4s, 1s, and 3s everywhere instead of As, Is, and Es?
DAVROS: Some bloke probably doesn't like vowels. It's of no matter to me what the bloody hell some jackass calls his C4S1NO. Just secure the branch and make sure we get more money flowing to us instead of Bluehaven's corrupt Town Hall.
OTHER LINE: Roger that, milord.
DAVROS: Hmph.
OTHER LINE: Uh, sir, you ought to see this.
DAVROS: What is it?
OTHER LINE: Some guy has entered the building. He's-
{The line suddenly goes off. Davros sighs, his smile completely gone. Cut to Noxigar, who is at the building having bludgeoned a guy over the head with a green mace, while said guy was holding a walkie-talkie.}
NOXIGAR: I've probably sent security off in a panic, but I cannot have my technical work interrupted by conventional wisdom.
{Noxigar continues. He breaks several machines and steals enough roulette tables to make a gothic dress out of them, placing it on a robotic, skeletal hare.}
NOXIGAR: I dub thee Celestia Ludenberg. Actually, that name is so mainstream that while awesome it would probably hurt me to use. I shall instead call you Fortune Hare. Shuffle your deck, and begin this trainwreck!
{The hare is given an electronic heart to power it up.}
NOXIGAR: Welcome to the Katawa Hearts, Fortune Hare!
FORTUNE HARE: Wot?
NOXIGAR: Perfect, Lady Fortune! Just perfect! I knew that accent chip would come in handy!
FORTUNE HARE: I say, but why am I here?
NOXIGAR: You are here on an important assignment. Go forth, to 1776 Barlow Avenue, and report to Chaos and Lex for recreational gaming! You are programmed with state-of-the-art technology, and Chaos'll just eat you up!
FORTUNE HARE: Wot?
{Fortune Hare sighs, then walks out of the building.}
NOXIGAR: I programmed you to run at the speed of light.
FORTUNE HARE: 'Tis bad form to run in the halls, mate.
{Noxigar shrugs, then walks out the opposite direction. Cut to Chaos and Lex, in the Wikihood Manor. Remolay sits with them.}
REMOLAY: I think we should hire a space janitor!
CHAOS: What prompted that thought?
REMOLAY: I just figured a custodian would be exceptionally vital in case you guys decide to go to outer space again.
LEX: I'm the only person who'd be able to go to outer space and not get chased by alien cops amongst myself, Noxigar, Chaos, and Vindicator.
REMOLAY: Really?
CHAOS: Yeah. My head's apparently worth $1,500,000,000,000 in USDollars, while I think Vindicator's head goes for about $900,000,000,000.
REMOLAY: And Noxigar?
LEX: I think he used to be worth only $100,000,000,000 but then some electronic heart shenanigans upped him to about $900,500,000,000 for some reason. Then I think he shagged some mafia princesses or something which upped him to roughly $1,000,000,000,000 since they tried to kill him and failed.
REMOLAY: Whoever could kill you guys would be able to live off the fat of the land!
CHAOS: Yup. And that's why we never go to outer space again.
{Noxigar finally returns to the Wikihood Manor.}
NOXIGAR: I've got it! I know what I can do with all those yo-yos I purchased!
{Noxigar pauses to wave at all of his companions, while heading upstairs. He then tinkers around, giving a bird-like Maverick many yo-yos to use as weapons. Eventually, the bird is given life via an electronic heart.}
YO-YO SHOEBILL: SQUAWK!4
NOXIGAR: I wish I could make you hail from San Crystalballs.
YO-YO SHOEBILL: SQUAWK!
{Yo-Yo Shoebill pecks Noxigar in the face.}
NOXIGAR: Right, so you wouldn't care about New Havana, either.
{Yo-Yo Shoebill flies out of the window, and ends up landing in one of Marvin Rosenberg's clubs. Marvin is trying to make sure the club is not violent, but suddenly Yo-Yo Shoebill slings a yo-yo at one of the guards. The yo-yo then detonates in the guard's face, causing her to hit a wall.}
MARVIN: Oh dear. I think we've got company.
{Marvin takes out a shotgun and proceeds to attempt to blast Yo-Yo Shoebill. He clips Yo-Yo Shoebill's wing, causing her eyes to glow red and charge at Marvin with enough force to shatter bones. Marvin's bones do not shatter, but he does hit the ground pretty hard. Yo-Yo Shoebill then flies away, breaking the club's roof in the process. Zoom out to reveal Yo-Yo Shoebill having broken the club's inner foundations and causing it to be in ruins.}
MARVIN: {offscreen} DAMN YOU, BYZANTIUM!
{Cut back to Lex and Chaos, who are watching the nightclub get destroyed on the news.}
CHAOS: Someone should high-five that shoebill.
1. Read: I proceed to have Noxigar do a bunch of mundane tasks all involving different Wikihood nods and references to old and new alike. It will take me a good while to make all of this plot worthwhile, but considering I'm even going with Wikihood III nods I shall make this extremely promising on all accounts.
2. Part of this episode will also be pitching ideas for Wikihood on behalf of keeping the Back Room a lot more neat. This is also just to make sure I can do something right.
3. Megaman X2 is pretty easy.
4. Anybody remember Shoebill? I do.
