(even if you aren't vegan)


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Get a load of this non-canon shitshow.


{Open to a familiar graveyard, with a glowing tree inside of it. Zoom out, to show a man in funeral attire approaching it, after stepping out of a limousine.}

LIMOUSINE DRIVER: {offscreen} Mister Bellinski, are you sure this is the place?

GARFIELD: {offscreen} I don't recall Spook Cliff being located anywhere else, but... feel free to have your GPS prove me wrong, if you must...

{The man approaches a gravestone. From behind himself, he takes out a bouquet of white roses. He gently lays them down.}

GARFIELD: Requiet un pace, friends.

{The limousine driver, revealed to be a hot elf woman, is shown with a concerned look.}

LIMOUSINE DRIVER: Will you be here long?

{Garfield turns around, to see the limousine is still there.}

GARFIELD: A few hours, minimum. I'll travel back to Volkov's, by foot.

{The limousine driver nods. She puts up her window, and drives off. Garfield turns back around, to the glowing green tree.}

GARFIELD: I suppose it is time for you to have a name.

{Garfield thinks for a moment.}

GARFIELD: No, referring to you explicitly by your True Name is dumb...

{Above Garfield's head, the letters for the word "Sarah" float transparently in the air.}


{Garfield conjures a dark "X" from a presumed void, and lifts it in the air. Wiggling his fingers, he attempts to rearrange the letters. The first attempt spells out "Raxhas." A second attempt spells "Rhaasx." After a few seconds more, Garfield takes out a pair of gold sunglasses.}

GARFIELD: Looks like my options for this specific naming convention are "No..."

{Garfield puts on his sunglasses.}

GARFIELD: and "Fuck No."

{Crickets chirp, otherwise stifling an awkward silence. Garfield snaps his fingers, causing all the letters around him to dissipate.}

GARFIELD: Be it as it may, I am going to attempt to indulge creative liberties...

{Garfield approaches the tree, then attempts to sit down directly next to it. An image of a powerful spaceship appears inside a thought bubble, above him.}

GARFIELD: No... Shadaria is a good name, but not for a tree based on the deceased...

{Garfield frowns.}

GARFIELD: Also the "Shad" part of it doesn't quite pan out to be immediately helpful to people. A shitty man took the prefix and ruined it forever...

{Garfield shakes his head.}

GARFIELD: If I'm to give this tree in Spook Cliff a pseudonym... it must come from my heart...

{The thought bubble empties, and disappears entirely not long after.}

GARFIELD: ...I already have a drink named Naminade, I'd rather not make it redundant... and that's a ditto for my backup drink Ichiruki...

{Garfield shakes his head. He tries to lie down next to the tree.}

GARFIELD: Hrm... in another world, there's probably someone like me who's seen some shit...

{Garfield begins to get up. Dark clouds surround the entirety of Spook Cliff.}

GARFIELD: A strange phenomenon...

{Garfield takes off his sunglasses, putting them in the pocket they were in before.}

GARFIELD: ...Tauradonna?

{It begins to rain.}

GARFIELD: Tauradonna.

{Lightning crackles, not far from the gravesite.}

GARFIELD: Tauradonna!

{More lightning crackles. At the same time, Garfield cheers.}

GARFIELD: Perhaps I do have what it takes to be a Wizard after all... {mutters} though, I'm still shit at anything not related to Sangromancy or Necromancy...

{Lightning continues to crackle.}

GARFIELD: I think you enjoy it?

{The rain intensifies.}

GARFIELD: I'll take this magnificent weather as a "Hell yeah!"

{Garfield's mood is brightened. He starts to depart from the gravesite. Upon stepping on the sidewalk leading out of the graveyard, he sees a figure in the distance. Open Sesame (Long Version) by Kool & The Gang starts to play in the background. The figure comes closer, revealing himself through blond hair and a shit-eating grin. Pan to the look of Garfield's face, which is one of complete horror.}

GARFIELD: B-b-bling?!

BLING: Shazam! 'Sup, my n{beep}?

GARFIELD: I thought they locked you up for good back in Couer d'Alene!

BLING: Nah, man, nah.

{The figure's attire consists of a fuzzy X-men jacket, a jet black snapback put on backwards, several pieces of ostentatious gold jewelry, a college T-shirt that says "Purdue" on it, some excessively-long jeans, and a pair of sneakers.}

BLING: Can't cure yo' autism from behind bars, bro.

{Garfield takes a Battel stance.}

GARFIELD: So you plan to end me, too? Like you ended the lives of my friends?!

BLING: Man, I didn't know choppin' off Lucius Arcadia's head would be the end of him! I thought it was modular, like all of his other body parts... especially his big p-

{Garfield punches Bling in the face, causing him to fall down.}

GARFIELD: You know what you did, White Devil.

{Bling gives Garfield a look of complete amusement, and laughs.}

BLING: This comin' from a guy who frequently gets in the way o' the po-po, tryin' to be the next Batman or some shit.

{Bling's laugh becomes increasingly mocking, as he stands up. He takes out a Glock, pointing it at Garfield, whose eyes glow red.}

BLING: N{beep}, you crazy. I'd be a fool to not come strapped on the same street as you.

{Garfield does not appear to flinch, from recognizing the Glock being pointed at him.}

GARFIELD: Go ahead. Feel lucky.

{Garfield takes out medical needles, full of what appears to be adrenaline. Bling shoots from his Glock, the bullets hitting Garfield in places and causing him to fall.}

BLING: I got silver bullets fo' yo' punk ass.

{Garfield groans, gritting his teeth so as to not let loose any screams.}

GARFIELD: Y-y-ou would do this in front of...?

BLING: Oh, especially in front of the deceased.

{Garfield injects himself with adrenaline, by stabbing himself in his left shoulder. Bling shoots some more bullets, which cause Garfield harm. However, adrenaline seems to enter Garfield's body, which helps him get up.}

GARFIELD: I'm damn lucky I'm a science guy... I've still got a lot to learn from Bill Nye.

{Bling's mouth opens, followed up by him booing.}

BLING: Can't you come up with a dope rhyme at least? Jesus, you're wack.

{Bling checks his jacket pockets. He looks scared.}

BLING: Shit. Outta ammo.

{Garfield tries to whip up a spell, but ends up hurting himself in trying. He falls down to one knee.}

BLING: Silver bullets, n{beep}. You can't cast shiiiiiiiit against me!

{Bling puts his Glock away, and begins running the opposite direction. Garfield struggles to catch up, his body having been shot in such a way that he can hardly do much more than a brisk walk.}

GARFIELD: Had I known that White Devil was going to show up... I'd have brought proper medical equipment instead of these adrenaline syringes... and maybe one of my heavy weapons...

{Garfield's walk begins to decelerate. Zoom out to show Garfield heading into Townindale's outskirts.}

GARFIELD: I will find Bling. I will have my revenge.

{Garfield keeps walking, but people in vehicles begin to notice him. Some take pictures, and look to be spreading Garfield's body to social media. Garfield is, of course, aware of them. However, all he can do is grit his teeth and not scream for bloody murder. Eventually, some Dwarven Hellriders show up. Only one of them does not appear to wear a helmet: a blue-bearded man in glasses, with a bemused smirk on his face.}

DOCTORATE: {in a Cajun accent} Fellow Doctor Wiggins! What brings you 'round t' this part o' Townindale?

GARFIELD: Memorial... service...

{Doctorate looks Garfield up and down.}

DOCTORATE: ...some memorial service it must've been. LARP gone awry?

GARFIELD: {growls} No.

{Garfield keeps walking. The Hellriders try to circle up, blocking his path.}

DOCTORATE: I ain't gon' let you die from fatigue and blood poisonin'. We medics gotta 'elp each other out, brotha!

GARFIELD: I'm fine.

{Garfield collapses the moment he finishes his sentence, closing his eyes and finally ending their glow. The screen starts fading to black, as Doctorate begins lifting Garfield's body onto his back and riding off. Cut to a place not too similar to The Underworld. A skeletal woman, in a white dress, appears to greet Garfield as he emerges within.}

DEATH: Garfield Wiggins. We seem to run into each other a lot more, don't we?

{Garfield looks intensely furious.}

GARFIELD: Bling will not cheat me out of vengeance again!

{Garfield slams his fist along a nearby wall, sending a shockwave throughout the entirety of the area.}

DEATH: So it is Bling who has tried claiming your life now?

{Garfield nods slowly.}

DEATH: Well, you can rest assured that he has failed.


GARFIELD: Olidammara's Asshole.

{Death smirks.}

DEATH: I'm afraid that's not what this place is. You're within your own mind, Garfield... is Wiggins really your surname?

{Death's voice echoes. The camera awkwardly cuts to Garfield in the backroom of Katyusha's, with Doctorate and a few other people familiar to Garfield being present.}

VOLKOV: Garfield! You're awake.

DOCTORATE: We almost lost your pulse there. How the hell do you pull this kind o' shit off, brotha?

{Garfield struggles to get up. He howls in intense pain.}

VOLKOV: Surgery not wear off yet!

GOD COMPLEX: {flatly} I am not entirely certain what put you into contact with that many silver bullets. I am also confused as to how you are still alive.

BRUCE: Is Garfield some kind o' incredible hulk?

{Garfield hisses, laying himself back down. Zoom out to reveal he is laying down on top of some tables from the nearby pierogi bar. His eyes resume glowing red.}


GOD COMPLEX: {flatly} I do not understand how his eyes glow red like that. This must be some sort of Edgelord quirk I am unfamiliar with.

BRUCE: Yikes, it's one of those useless quirks.

{Garfield attempts to get up again. Volkov stops him, before he can get off of the makeshift bed.}

VOLKOV: Rest easy, Hero. I will not need tables for while.

GARFIELD: I have to... find... and kill... Bling...

DOCTORATE: At the rate you're goin', he'll be able to knock you back down flat. He's probably got more silver bullets, by now.

BRUCE: Take it easy!

{Bruce follows suit, in trying to stop Garfield from getting up completely.}

BRUCE: You don't 'ave enough plot armour for this, mate!

{Garfield resignedly lies back down on the makeshift bed. Lex shows up, with lollipops and cookies.}

LEX: 'Ey, mon! I brought you some stuff for hangin' in there.

{Garfield's mood lightens up. He gets one of the lollipops, unwrapping it and placing it in his mouth.}

GARFIELD: It's not pomegranate-flavoured, but... it'll do...

{Garfield sighs.}

LEX: This whole "confrontin' Bling when you're not strong enough yet thing" is not de way.

GARFIELD: Do you know the way?

LEX: Nah. We should probably get a crew assembled, first.

{The Chief of Police shows up.}

GARFIELD: Facilier Anderson?

CHIEF: That's not my name, but I appreciate the flattery you're attempting.

GARFIELD: You're not here to-

CHIEF: I'm legally obligated to warn you that going after Bling after you've become a meme on the Internet is a bad idea.

{God Complex clears their throat.}

GOD COMPLEX: {flatly} About that...

BRUCE: All o' NoxCorp thought you were a goner!

{God Complex elbows Bruce in the gut.}

BRUCE: Ow! Except for the Boss, o' course...

CHIEF: I've heard your legend. It is why I came here on my own.

VOLKOV: Wait, why not bring reinforcements if Garfield threat to-?

CHIEF: Because, for once, we are after the same criminal and he is in no shape to actually be charged for obstruction of justice...

{The Chief then points at everyone else.}

CHIEF: And getting Garfield to come quietly is impossible if I don't handle it myself, should he be obstructing justice.

{The Chief clears his throat.}

GARFIELD: I... owe you one, I guess?

CHIEF: You do. For now, I'll cash the debt later. I'd rather be the one to inform Tracy and Stephanie of your predicament. Lord knows where they're at, right now...

{The Chief waves a hand of farewell, casually strutting out of the Katyusha's building. Zoom out, to reveal that it is still a rainy day; then, cut back to everyone else.}

GARFIELD: Must... fight... urge...

{Garfield collapses again. Cut to black. End.}