User:NachoMan/Jaro Emails Extra Late Christmas Special

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER

Transcript

{The story begins as the camera pans up to a small cottage in the middle of a forest. Snow is falling and "Winter Wonderland" can be heard in the distance. It fades into the inside of the cottage. There is a roaring fire in the corner. Stinkoman comes in through the door, sending a chilly breeze in. He forces the door shut, takes off his earmuffs and scarf and then plops down on a big cozy chair in front of the fire. He turns on a small tv. The Charlie Brown Christmas Special comes on.}

CHARLIE BROWN: I just don't understand Christmas.

STINKOMAN: Ha ha ha! The dark nature of this child's plight delights me!

{1-Up and Pan Pan come in from the kitchen. 1-Up is carrying a plate of cookies and Pan Pan has three mugs of hot cocoa nestled in his arms. The place the treats on a small table and sit down on a couch near Stinkoman.}

STINKOMAN: Oh, thanks! {gobbles down a cookie}

1-UP: How was work?

STINKOMAN: Boring. Everyone's at home so there was almost no challenges to be had!

1-UP: Well, it's Christmas eve. I'm sure they'll be lots of challenges for you in the morning.

STINKOMAN: Yeah, you're right.

'{Stinkoman bends over and pokes the fire. He then grabs a second cookie and takes a bite.}

1-UP: Stinkoman.. I know it's not Christmas yet but.. I want you to open your present now..

STINKOMAN: Wow! Really?

1-UP: Yeah, go ahead!

{Stinkoman runs over to the tree. He steps on two of Pan Pan's presents and grabs his from under the pine.}

STINKOMAN: Ha ha ha! I wonder what it is?

1-UP: Open it!

{Stinkoman tears the wrapping paper off his present, tossing the scraps every which way. He looks in awe.}

STINKOMAN: Audible gasp! A new pair of challenge gloves!

{Stinkoman slides the gray casings over his hands, causing them to glow.}

STINKOMAN: Oooh! I can't wait to try these out!

1-UP: I knew you'd like i--

{Stinkoman thrashes his right fist forward, sending a lamp crashing through the window.}

STINKOMAN: Wow, these work like a charm!

1-UP: Gah! Stop!

{Stinkoman punches his fist through a picture of all three of the buddies, sending his hand into the wall.}

1-UP: Not in the house!

{Stinkoman struggles trying to get his hand out. He finally yanks it out, causing some exposed wiring to send out sparks. One of the sparks flies into the fire. Suddenly, the entire wall is engulfed in flames.}

1-UP: Oh crap!

STINKOMAN: Grab the presents! Grab the presents!

1-UP: No, come on! We have to get out!

STINKOMAN: But, the presents!

1-UP: Come on!

{Stinkoman looks around. He grabs several of the closest presents and runs out the door behind Pan Pan and 1-Up. Cut to the outside of the cottage. The trio is several miles away from the cottage, watching it as it burns to the ground. It begins to collapse. We cut to the house, seeing the TV melt.}

LINUS: {slowly distorting and fading} Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward... meeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

{we cut back to the three friends. Not a sound is heard.}

1-UP: It's gone.. it's all gone..

STINKOMAN: Not true! I saved some of the presents!

1-UP: Really?

STINKOMAN: Well, they're all my presents, but..

{1-UP sighs, trying to hold back his tears.}

1-UP: Christmas.. it's ruined.. {sniff}

STINKOMAN: No it's not! Cheer up! We don't need presents to have a good Christmas!

1-UP: {snivels}

STINKOMAN: Well, we don't need a house either! All we need is each other! Isn't that the true meaning of Christmas?

PAN PAN: Badalang, badalang.

STINKOMAN: Hey, don't talk like that! It's Christmas Eve, we should be happy! Celebrating in joyous yuletide.

1-UP: I don't see how we can when everything we owned is incinerated.

STINKOMAN: {Stinkoman pauses, then turns around.} Have I ever told you guys the story of Jaro?

1-UP: Story of Jaro?

STINKOMAN: Oh my god! How haven't I told you guys the story of Jaro??

1-UP: What's it about?

STINKOMAN: Christmas, of course! It's a wonderful tale of overcoming obstacles.

{1-Up sits in the snow.}

1-UP: Okay, tell me this story..

{Stinkoman sits down in front of 1-Up. He begins to open a present.}

STINKOMAN: Many years ago, on a Christmas Eve like tonight, there was a fellow named Jaro..

{We fade to a bright city. The camera pans down to show a mall, decorated with reefs and candy canes. A giant animatronic Santa sits on top, waving his hand. we cut to the inside of the mall, where dozens of shoppers run back in forth. Jaro, Chorch and Grundy are seen walking down an aisle, all wearing seasonal clothing. A jolly tune is playing.}

CHORCH: I can't believe you waited until Christmas Eve to get your presents, Jaro.

JARO: I thought I would be avoiding the rush!

CHORCH: You say that every year, and you never learn!

{The trio crosses into the next aisle. Every single shelf is empty.}

JARO: How can they be sold out of meat sticks too!

CHORCH: I told you not to procrastinate, but you didn't listen!

JARO: Shut up! I'll find presents, and the awesomeness of the presents will cause them to form together and create a form of ultimate destruction! So, ha!

CHORCH: Whatever. Me and Grundy will be in the pretzel shop, enjoying Christmas Eve.

{Chorch and Grundy walk away.}

JARO: Well fine! Enjoy the pretzels! But you'll choke! CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!

ELDERLY VOICE: You shouldn't be so mean to your friends, you know.

JARO: Wha?

{Jaro turns around to see an old monk.}

MONK: It is Christmas Eve, you should have more respect for your friends.

JARO: Oh wise sage, you and I both know you're a hallucination brought on from inhaling too much artificial snow.

MONK: {fading away} This is truuuuuuuuue...

{As the monk fades away, a door becomes visible from behind where he was standing.}

JARO: That's strange.. I don't remember there being a door connected to this wall several seconds ago.. But the ominous nature of this event I find intriguing..

{Jaro enters the door. He finds himself in a small room full of strange antiques. There is no light except for a few candles. He walks through the small space, and suddenly bumps into a counter. He finds an old woman sitting there.}

OLD WOMAN: {russian accent} Welcome to my shop of strange and wonderful items!

JARO: What is this place?

OLD WOMAN: I just told you! Weren't you paying attention?

JARO: Oh well, what do you sell?

OLD WOMAN: I sell everything! Look around, find something you like!

{Jaro starts searching. He finds a Krusty the Clown doll with sharp teeth, a skull, and several flasks full of bubbling ooze.}

JARO: Oh, my friends hate all of these things! And more importantly, they're way too expensive!

OLD WOMAN: Perhaps you'd like to see our bargain bin!

{Jaro turns around to see a small drawer with a sign labeled "$1.00". He pulls out a large book. When he opens it, a huge tornado comes out and starts distorting the room.}

JARO: AAAARG! {forces the book shut}

{The room returns to normal. Jaro catches his breath, when an object that was thrown from the box hits him on the head.}

JARO: Ow!

{Jaro looks around and then looks at the ground. A four fingered monkey paw is lying in front of him.}

JARO: {picks up the paw} Ooh, what's this?

OLD WOMAN: What?! {runs over and swipes the paw away} How did this get in there?

JARO: Hey, give it back!

OLD WOMAN: No! It is not for sale!

JARO: Why not?

OLD WOMAN: Because, it's cursed!

JARO: What kind of curse?

OLD WOMAN: {pause} Are you still considering buying this?

JARO: Yes.

OLD WOMAN: Well, then! The curse is that it grants wishes!

JARO: Wishes? What kind of curse is that? That's awesome!

OLD WOMAN: So you'll buy it?

JARO: Heck yes!

{Jaro hands the woman a dollar.}

OLD WOMAN: Money is money. {takes the dollar and hands Jaro the paw} Here you go.

JARO: Thanks!

OLD WOMAN: You're welcome... Have a goooooood Christmas!

JARO: Oh, I will!

{Jaro turns and leaves.}

{Cut to Grundy sitting on Santa's lap on the other side of the mall.}

GRUNDY: ... so last year, when I asked for that new sled, and you didn't bring it, why was that?

SANTA: {gruff voice} Kid, I don't even remember last WEEK.

GRUNDY: You smell like an ashtray.

SANTA: KID YOU'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR AN HOUR JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU ******* WANT

GRUNDY: {pulls off the beard} Santa, do you have... CANCER?

SANTA: OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. {Gets up, throwing Grundy off his lap} I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE BRATS! I QUIT!

{The Santa storms away. Chorch floats up and takes Grundy offscreen. Cut to them walking away.}

GRUNDY: What was wrong with Santa?

CHORCH: That was one of his helpers.. Santa is back at the North Pole.. This Mall will be receiving a very angry email.

{Jaro hops up.}

JARO: I've finished shopping!

CHORCH: It's about time.

GRUNDY: What did you get me, what did you get me?!

JARO: Oh, you'll find out tommorow morning!

{We fade into Jaro's Living Room. Snow is falling outside and they are all eating tv dinners in front of the tv. The tree sparkles, dozens of presents littered underneath.}

{They finish eating. Jaro turns off the TV.}

JARO: Well, we'd better get some shut eye.

{Chorch and Grundy walk down the hallway. Jaro lingers behind and when they are gone, he puts a crudely wrapped present under the tree. He hops away. The present glows and then goes back to normal.}

{Cut to Christmas Morning. The sun is rising over Challenge City, and the buildings are laced with snow. Happy music is playing. Cut to Grundy in bed. His eyes peel open and he blinks softly. He looks around, and then out the window.}

GRUNDY: Ye Haw! It's Christmas morning!

{He bolts out of bed and down the staircase. Cut to Chorch's room. He is fast asleep until Grundy runs in and shakes him about. He awakens, startled.}

GRUNDY: Wake up, wake up!

CHORCH: ghlgh?

GRUNDY: Come on!

{Chorch wobbles out of bed. We fade to the trio sitting around the tree, with their presents separated into small piles. Grundy opens his, revealing a delightful fruit basket. He throws it straight into the fire. Fade to the room hours later. The TV is blaring and the group is sitting on the couch, wrapping paper everywhere.}

GRUNDY: Well, that was fun. What are we gonna do now?

CHORCH: Jaro, I thought you said you had bought presents?

JARO: Oh, right! I was saving you guyses presents for last!

{Jaro runs to the chimney, and opens a picture frame to reveal a small cubby. He pulls his present out and hands it to Grundy and Chorch.}

GRUNDY: Um..

JARO: This present was so good, I decided we would split it amoungst ourselves!

CHORCH: Split it? Is it food?

JARO: Open it!

{Chorch rips the paper off, finding a small box. He takes the lid off and peeks inside.}

CHORCH: ..Jaro.

JARO: Yes?

CHORCH: {pulls out the paw} What is this.

JARO: It's a monkey's paw!

CHORCH: Monkey's paw... This is our present?

JARO: It's for all of us!

CHORCH: {under his breath} God.. Okay, and what on earth does this paw do?

JARO: It grants wishes!

CHORCH: ...

JARO: It grants wishes!

{Chorch throws the paw to the ground. He looks away.}

CHORCH: I can't believe you! I mean, you didn't even have the decency to buy a box of chocolate or some other crap! But no, you get the sickest, folklore crap!

GRUNDY: {picks up the paw. he turns to Jaro} Does it really grant wishes?

JARO: Yeah! The shopkeeper told me it did!

CHORCH: Oh, we can trust the shopkeeper! How much did you buy this for?

JARO: Uh.. a buck..

{Chorch snatches the paw from Grundy.}

CHORCH: Okay, I'll try it! {clears throat} Magic paw, I wish... for a frozen turkey! With all the trimmings! And a drink.

{There is a pause.}

CHORCH: You were lied to, Jaro. This thing doesn't do squat! There is no such thing as magic, and this paw won't hel--

{Suddenly, a frozen turkey crashes through the window and hits Chorch, knocking him offscreen. A can of cranberry sauce and stuffing follows. It smashes against the wall, leaving a mess.}

CHORCH: {recovering} Aha! See! No drink!

{Suddenly, the roof falls, and a bathtub filled with orange juice collapses onto Chorch, soaking him.}

JARO: Ha ha ha! It works!

CHORCH: You know what? {picks up a towel and begins drying himself} Coincidences happen! And if you expect me {spits out orange juice} to believe that you can attain wonderful things from wishing, then let me tell you--

GRUNDY: Chorch.

CHORCH: What?

GRUNDY: It's Christmas. If Jaro wants the paw to grant wishes, it grants wishes.

{short pause}

CHORCH: Fine. Okay, so we have a wishing paw. What should we do with it?

JARO: I don't know.. There's so many possibilities!

CHORCH: Well, before we do anything too extreme, let's just give it a few short tests. Hmm..

{Grundy steals the paw}

GRUNDY: Magic paw, this apartment is a mess! Why don't you clean it up!

{short pause}

GRUNDY: Hmmm.. {a rumbling sound is heard} What the--?

{Suddenly, the door is broken down. A group of sweaty, foreign maids burst in armed with cleaning equipment.}

MAID #1: We got a call about a dirty apartment?

JARO: Um, yes?

MAID #2: Right. Let's go, girls.

{The maids zip across the room, cleaning the apartment and making it shine. When they are done, the apartment is glistening and spotless.}

CHORCH: Wow, great job! How much do we owe you?

MAID #1: It's on the house. Well, Merry Christmas to ya!

{The maids exit the room and repair the door on the way out. The room is silent.}

{The three friends look at each other.}

ALL THREE: YA-HOO!!!

{Suddenly we begin a montage, set to David Bowie's "Fame". It begins with a transition of falling coins, and then shows Grundy talking to the paw as expensive furniture is wheeled into the room. It then shows Jaro with the paw, sitting atop a pile of cash, as several female Jaros fan him. Then it cuts to Chorch in a warehouse of sorts. A man pulls a curtain from the wall, showing an enormous super computer. He looks at the price sheet, but then Chorch just looks at the paw and suddenly the salesman disappears. Chorch takes the computer. We then cut to several overlapping shots of each of the friends being rained on by cash. Jaro is driving in a slick convertible, Grundy is walking down the red carpet with some babes, Chorch is seen holding the building plans for a luxurious sky scraper. The shots become faster and faster and slowly the music fades out and the montage begins to blur. It then fades to black.}

{We then fade in to the trio each sitting on huge fantastic chairs, surrounded by money and babes. The room they are in is huge with fine Kashmir carpets and a large fountain in the middle. The monkey's paw sits on Jaro's lap.}

JARO: Well, guys. This is it. We've finally done it.

GRUNDY: {dreamily} Huh?

JARO: Our email show is a success. We're rich. Famous. Expensive. And we did it all on our own.

CHORCH: Ahem.

JARO: What?

CHORCH: Actually, we haven't done jack. We were only using the paw to become famous, to be come rich, to become important. We've been doing the same thing we always have, just with magic helping us along.

JARO: {raising a wine glass} Here's to magic!

{Jaro and Grundy clink their glasses while Chorch sits dejectedly. Grundy snaps his fingers and a large flat screen tv rises in front of him. He gets out of the chair and begins to play a video game. Chorch looks around at all the stuff around him. He looks at Jaro, who is petting the paw.}

CHORCH: {sighs} Guys..

JARO: What? Do you need more grape juice? {to the paw} I wish--

CHORCH: No, it's not that. I just.. {sighs again} I can't keep this up any longer.

JARO: Keep what up?

CHORCH: All this wishing. It's, it's too much power. All this stuff, we didn't earn it, we didn't even buy it! We stole it all..

JARO: I believe you're looking for the term "wished for".

CHORCH: No, it's just the same as stealing. We didn't make a famous email show, we only wished for millions of fans! We didn't earn the money for this mansion, we just wished we had it! We've become too greedy.. I think.. I think we should get rid of the paw.

{Grundy drops the controller and turns around.}

JARO AND GRUNDY: What?!

JARO: Why would we do that?? This paw has done nothing but give us everything!

CHORCH: Exactly. We should give it up and go back to our old lives. Before the wishing, before the money, just back to making email shows and having fun with it.

JARO: No, no, no. No no no no no no no.

{Jaro jumps out of his chair.}

JARO: I knew this would happen Chorch. I knew you'd have to get up on your little high horse and tell us all right from wrong. I knew you'd try to make us get rid of the paw.. I KNEW IT. Well you know what, you're not going to do it, no way. No. I won't let you!!

CHORCH: Jaro.. Think of it this way; If we keep this up, our email show will become so boring and repetitive that it won't even be worth making anymore. All the silly side plots and adventures will be phased out because we can get everything by the snap of a finger. We have to get rid of it.

{Jaro looks away. He looks at the paw, turns around and looks at Chorch and Grundy, then looks back.}

JARO: ...ffffffine. {he throws the paw back to the ground. Chorch and Grundy smile.} We'll go back to the mall and return it.

{The scene fades to the mall. Jaro is frantically pacing through the aisles.}

CHORCH: So, where did you buy it?

JARO: It was from, uh.. Some old Russian lady's shop.

CHORCH: In a mall?

JARO: Yeah..

{They arrive at the back of the mall, which is just a blank wall. Jaro looks around.}

JARO: Uh..

GRUNDY: Where is it?

JARO: I don't know, shut up!

{Jaro feels along the wall, and taps in different areas.}

JARO: It's gone!

GRUNDY: I'm doubting it was ever here.

JARO: No, there was a shop right here, a little room! There was a woman, and some skulls, and some atmospheric lighting and-- Where did it go??

CHORCH: Well, I guess we can't just return it.. We'll have to find another way.

JARO: Gah, I lost a dollar!!

GRUNDY: Where else can we get rid of it?

CHORCH: I don't know.. I can't think of any places that will take a monkey's paw that grants wishes.

JARO: Let's bury it in the backyard!

CHORCH: No. We may be tempted to use it again. Come on, I know where we can get rid of it.

{The three leave. We fade to a bridge in the middle of the city, overlooking a violent river. The clouds in the sky are dark red.}

JARO: Do we have to do this??

CHORCH: It's the only way we can get our old lives back.. If we don't lose it completely, we'll always have that temptation to go wish again.. it's just too much power.. {Chorch walks towards the edge, but Jaro stops him.}

JARO: Let me do it..

{Chorch hands him the paw, and Jaro steps up. He looks at it, then at his friends. He turns around, and then chucks the paw into the water, where it disappears into the current.}

JARO: NOOO!!

CHORCH: It's okay.. it was for the best. Now we can get on with our lives.

{The three walk home as it begins to rain.}

{Jaro, Grundy and Chorch arrive home. They are back in their apartment. It is dirty and dark. Someone sighs.}

JARO: Where's the light?

{The light comes on, and suddenly, they turn to a chair, where the monkeys paw is sitting, damp.}

CHORCH: What the?

JARO: What's going on?

GRUNDY: How did it--?

{Jaro runs up to it and grabs it. He looks at it angrily, and then throws it out an open window.}

JARO: Ha!

{The paw then flies back up through the window and hits Jaro in the back of the head. He looks out the window, seeing nothing ten stories down.}

JARO: I'm going insane!

CHORCH: We can't get rid of it..

JARO: {grunts} This is all your fault, Chorch!

CHORCH: My fault??

JARO: You just had to get all preachy and now we can't get rid of this thing!

CHORCH: You're the one who bought the stupid thing!

{The weather outside becomes more and more extreme.}

JARO: Well you know, excuse me for trying to give my friends a good gift!

CHORCH: You're not excused!

GRUNDY: I wish you two would stop fighting!

JARO: No! I wish we would keep fighting! I wish I had the powers of Hell to help me fight!

CHORCH: That goes double for me!

{The apartment suddenly shakes violently. It breaks apart around the three, leaving only thin platforms for them to stand on. An enormous tidal wave appears behind Jaro, and millions of tons of rocks appear behind Chorch.}

JARO: I should have just wished you were dead! That's what I should have done!

CHORCH: Then why don't you just do it right now???

JARO: Oh, please! Like you didn't already wish for immunity to my death wishes! I'm not stupid, Chorch!

{Harsh rain begins to fall, and a terrible wind is blowing. Grundy still stands in the middle of them. Jaro throws the tidal wave at Chorch, who blocks it with a rock slide, and then throws some of his at Jaro, who defends himself as well.}

CHORCH: {hurling rocks} You know, I never thought it would come to this! Actually, maybe I did, because your ego is too fricking huge that I knew you'd try to kill me one day!

JARO: Shut up!

GRUNDY: {screaming} I WISH THAT MONKEY PAW WAS GONE

{The paw disappears. The tidal waves and rocks follow, sinking into the ground. The sky clears up, and Jaro, Chorch, and Grundy are left standing on their tiny platforms soaking wet. They all look at each other. The scene fades to black.}

{We then cut back to Stinkoman sitting in the snow with his friends. He has opened his last present, and is tossing it about.}

STINKOMAN: Well, that's the Story of Jaro!

1-UP: So, wait. Did they reconcile? Are they still enemies? What happened?

STINKOMAN: Oh, I think we all know! {winks}

1-UP: {turns around, seeing the house has finally collapsed} You know, I never did find out what what you got me for Christmas.

STINKOMAN: Well, I didn't really get you anything but an empty box. This whole fire was pretty much a mixed blessing.

{pause}

1-UP: I really, really hate you.

{Pan Pan and 1-Up leave Stinkoman alone in the snow, surrounded by his things.}

STINKOMAN: Wait! I'll let you play with those challenge gloves you got me!..

{a long pause}

STINKOMAN: This is the best Christmas ever.

{The credits roll on a black screen, set to Trampled Under Foot by Led Zeppelin.}

The End

Easter Eggs

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Fun Facts

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