Unholy Parenthood/UPEp1

{The episode begins with Unholy Tracy walking along a dirt road. A ringtone comes out of nowhere.}

UNHOLY TRACY: Wh-{a cellphone hits him in the head} Huh? WHO'S CELLPHONE IS THIS?

CELLPHONE: RING, RING! THIS IS YOUR NEW PHONE THAT IS MADE FOR THIS EPISODE! ANSWER IT! RING,RING!

UNHOLY TRACY: I'll only answer you if your ringtone is the Tetris theme.

CELLPHONE: FINE... {Plays Tetris theme}

UNHOLY TRACY: That's better. {picks up phone, answers it} Hello?

PERSON ON PHONE: Hello, is this Tracy Bellstrom?

UNHOLY TRACY: Er... Somewhat. Who is THIS?

PERSON ON PHONE: This is the Child's Protective Services. We need you to come here right away.

UNHOLY TRACY: Oh, Jesus. I'll be there right... {warps off}

{cut to the Child's Protective Services. UT warps in}

UNHOLY TRACY: Now!

PRESIDENT: Hello. You must be Tracy. I'm the president of CPS. I called you here for a reason...

UNHOLY TRACY: Illegitimate child? Er, wait. Tracy's never-Ah, nevermind. So, what's the problem?

PRESIDENT: Do you know a Gilligan Strunner?

UNHOLY TRACY: Yeah. He's my best friend. ...Kinda.

PRESIDENT: Well... he's missing. He's gone missing for several days.

UNHOLY TRACY: Oh. Oh dear. Wait, what does this have to do with children?

PRESIDENT: Well... Estelle, come in!

{The 6 year old Estelle comes in}

PRESIDENT: This is Estelle, Gilligan's daughter.

UNHOLY TRACY: Oh yeah, I remember him telling me about her. {to estelle} Hi there! I'm Tracy, a friend of your dad's!

ESTELLE: Hi!

PRESIDENT: You see Tracy, according to these documents... {Pulls out a bunch of papers} You are Estelle's godfather.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...That idiot. He expects me, a psychotic time-traveler, to take care of a small child? Ah, whatever. She can ride in my Tardis.

PRESIDENT: Just sign these papers. {Pulls out a bunch of papers}

UNHOLY TRACY: Okay. {summons a pointy-tipped pen, stabs elf in arm, drawing blood from it into the pen, signs the papers} Hey, Estelle? If you think THAT'S disturbing, I'd better bring a couple of buckets and towels.

ESTELLE: {Frightened whimper}

UNHOLY TRACY: HA! Ahem. We should get gong before he arrests me. {summons up his Tardis, enters it} C'mon! It'll be fun! I promise!

ESTELLE: {Enters Tardis, scared}

UNHOLY TRACY: Wow. For Gilligan's daughter, you really are a wuss. Hasn't he taught you ANYTHING about fighting and/or freakish reality-warping battles?

ESTELLE: {Pulls out a bow and arrow and shoots an arrow at UT} Daddy taught that if anybodys mean to me, I hurt them badly!

UNHOLY TRACY:{pulls te arrow out of eye} Good. ...Is this poison-tipped?! {eats the arrow} Mmm. Yep. Ayways, try attacking me. I'll go easy on you. Say... a 100th of my average fighting power.

{Ten seconds later...}

{Unholy Tracy is lying on the ground beaten up while Estelle is perfectly fine}

UNHOLY TRACY:{gets up} Nice. You actually DO have some skills. {ice-arm breaks off} ...

{ten seconds later...}

UNHOLY TRACY:{arm is fixed} There. Now, I need to make sure that fighting skills aren't the only things you got from your father. {walks over to control panel, opens a hatch, pulls a severed human arm from it} How do you feel when you see this arm? {takes a bite out of the arm} And what about that?

ESTELLE: {Screams}

UNHOLY TRACY: You wuss. {breaks a finger off} Here. Try it. It's good.

ESTELLE: {Runs to a corner, covering eyes and cowering in fear}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Ah well. More for me. {eats the rest of the human arm}

{Later...}

UNHOLY TRACY:{sighs} Look, I'm sure your hungry. What's your favorite food? I promise I won't poison it. ...Unless you like poisoned food, of course.

ESTELLE: TUNA!!! TUNATUNATUNATUNATUNATUNA-

UNHOLY TRACY: Okay, then! You can have any of this you wish! {summons foods as he says them} Canned tuna, tuna fish sandwich, grilled tuna, pan-seared tuna, deep-fried tuna, tuna casserole, tuna salad, tuna salad with tuna, tuna sandwich with grilled tuna and whitefish, tuna tuna whitefish salmon tuna tuna and tuna, and tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna spam and tu-

ESTELLE: {Dives at the tuna and starts devouring it all}

UNHOLY TRACY: Wow. You WERE hungry. ... Ow. OW. OW! That's my ARM!

ESTELLE: {Trying to eat it, thinking it's tuna. Has eyes closed}

{one minute later...}

UNHOLY TRACY:{has a new arm} Yeah, you... You keep gnawing on my arm.

ESTELLE: {Stops} That was the best tuna ever!

UNHOLY TRACY: Which? The actual tuna I summoned for you, or my severed arm? ...That actusally looks still good. {picks up the arm, eats it}

ESTELLE: {Screams again}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...I take it you meant the actual tuna? ...Right, we've wasted enoug time. Let's go find something to do. Where, and when, would you like to go?

ESTELLE: TUNA LAND!

UNHOLY TRACY: ... Okay, a planet of tuna it is then. {presses some buttons on the console, pulls a lever} Hold on to your butts!

{cut to a planet filled with tuna-people. The TARDIS arrives there. UT and Estelle exit it}

UNHOLY TRACY: I've sent us to Planet Fishyfishfish, home of the Teunah, right before the extinction of their race. This means you can eat the entire population if you'd like, since this will seal the timeline. ...Stunned by the sheer amount of tuna, are ya?

ESTELLE: {Gone}

UNHOLY TRACY: AHAHAHA!! {gets out a cellphone, dials a number} Timeline sealed.

CHAOS:{from phone} Excellent.

{Unholy Tracy's tardis is gone}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...GODDAMMIT! {jumps up, destroys the planet, warps off}

{cut to Estelle in UT's Tardis}

ESTELLE: I'm gonna go to Candyland!

UNHOLY TRACY:{appears in front of Estelle} You are so {bleep}ing NOT! Besides, it don't exist. It's just a freakin' board game. Oh, and, there are only TWO reasons I ain't gonna kill you. One; You're my best friend's daughter. Two; I looked 20 years into the future and saw how you looked. Pretty hot. {shows Estelle a picture of her in 20 years}

???: {In UT's tardis} Um... yeah... thats kind of disturbing.

UNHOLY TRACY: Wait... I recognize that voice...

{It is revealed to be Future Gilligan.}

FUTURE GILLIGAN: CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!!!

{dramatic fanfare!}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Okay, why are you in here?

FUTURE GILLIGAN: Well I'm only kinda here...

UNHOLY TRACY: Explain.

FUTURE GILLIGAN: I'm contacting you through some hologram thingy...

UNHOLY TRACY: And, where are you doing this from?

FUTURE GILLIGAN: Where? {Sighs} I wish I knew...

UNHOLY TRACY: Hmm... Let me try to sense you... {concentrates} Dammit. You're somewhere where reality-bending powers are locked out. Do you see a wooden shack? If so, can you see through the window an old, senile man talking to his cat? If so, don't go in. He is the ruler of the universe. And his cat is God. If you exit the shack, you will disappear and be forced into a random location.

FUTURE GILLIGAN: ...Well, {Bleep}!

UNHOLY TRACY: ...You went in, didn't you?

FUTURE GILLIGAN: NO!

{Long moment of silence}

FUTURE GILLIGAN: ..........................yes.......

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Okay, here's what you do. Start crying and start talking to the cat. He may take pity on you, and could send you somewhere that you can be found.

FUTURE GILLIGAN: Okay.

{Long pause}

FUTURE GILLIGAN: He told me to {Bleep} off.

UNHOLY TRACY: Sounds like God. Um... Try wiggling a fish right out of his reach. There should probably be a few behind the old guy's chair. If your lucky, he might exchange the fish for some help.

{Shorter pause}

FUTURE GILLIGAN: Okay, now he's co-operating!

UNHOLY TRACY: Okay, good. Now get him to send you to a place tat doesn't lock out reality-bending powers!

FUTURE GILLIGAN: Wow, that cat is a fatass... .......OH CRAP!!!!!!!

UNHOLY TRACY: ...You screwed up BIG TIME.

{The hologram vanishes}

UNHOLY TRACY: ... {to Estelle} Hey, guess what? Your dad just called God a fatass and God sent him to some unknown place!

ESTELLE: ... {Cries}

???: {Appears in UT's tardis} You're a horrible father, y'know that?

UNHOLY TRACY: Um... I-I have no idea who you are, so I'm not gonna be able to give a good answer. Reveal yourself.

{It is... FUTURE ESTELLE!}

OLDER ESTELLE: CUE EVEN MORE DRAMATIC MUSIC AND POSSIBLY RABID FANBOYS!!!

{dramatic fanfare! A fanboy runs onscreen}

UNHOLY TRACY:{pulls out shotgun, shoots the fanboy in the forehead} Um... So, why, dare I ask, are you here?

OLDER ESTELLE: I'm here to help you take care of younger me so you don't end up {Bleep}ing up my young, fragile mind.

UNHOLY TRACY: It's too late for that. She's already shot me in the eye with an arrow, turned down a planet made of tuna-people, and is now in a corner, crying, because her dad just pissed off God.

OLDER ESTELLE: Who said I turned it down? I ate the whole planet.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...You must be from an alternate timeline. Estelle hijacked this TARDIS, and I had to vaporize that planet and chase after her.

OLDER ESTELLE: ...Really? {Pulls out a laptop} ...Oh. Then forget I ever said that.

UNHOLY TRACY: No, wait-

{ka-voip}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...It's not safe to change the past with just a computer. ...Right, whatever. ... {throws a tuna fish to young Estelle}

ESTELLE: {Attacks it}

UNHOLY TRACY:{snickers} That's almost cute.

OLDER ESTELLE: Anyway, I'll be staying with you for a while to make sure you're doing all this the right way.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...You sure it won't corrupt her mind even further?

OLDER ESTELLE: Hopefully not.

ESTELLE: {Eats the tuna. Starts playing with ball of yarn that appeared out of nowhere.}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Reality-bending powers? When'd that happen?

CONNOR (VOICE ONLY): WHEN I SAID SO.

KEITH (VOICE ONLY): Yea-Wait. How the hell did I get here? And why am I a disembodied voice?

CONNOR (VOICE ONLY): CAUSE I SAID SO.

KEITH (VOICE ONLY): ...Whatever. I'm outta here.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Okay, that was stupid and pointless.

KEITH (VOICE ONLY): Um... How do I get out? Uhh... Do I press the Escape button? Yep, that did i-{beeping noise}

CONNOR (VOICE ONLY): Whats that sound? And why the crap am I still here?

UNHOLY TRACY: PRESS ESCAPE!

{OOC:The beep was Keith exiting whatever it was he was using to talk.}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Right. Uhh... Screw it. I'm going to Planet Nihon, where everything's Japanese! {wellfaces, presses a button, pulls a lever. the Tardis shakes}

CONNOR (VOICE ONLY): Wheee-

OLDER ESTELLE: Shut up.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...You really shouldn't talk to your creator like that.

{the Tardis stops shaking. The door opens, revealing a very stereotypical Japanese planet}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Right. Umm, Estelles, don't wander off. I'm outta here. Oh, and, before I go, {takes the Tardis' key out of the ignition}

OLDER ESTELLE: {Points to a japanese person walking by} OH MY GOD, IT'S JACKIE CHAN!

CONNOR (VOICE ONLY): Everytime you steal a Family Guy joke, a puppy dies.

OLDER ESTELLE: I'm part CAT. I don't give a crap about puppies.

CONNOR (VOICE ONLY): Okay, then everytime you steal a joke from Family Guy, Bush becomes president for another term.

OLDER ESTELLE: NOOOOO!!!!! I'LL NEVER STEAL A JOKE AGAIN, I PROMISE!

UNHOLY TRACY: Let's see... Where's the generic anime section of Planet Nihon... ...Wait a minute. {runs back to the Estelles} You can probably ijack the Tardis or something. {grabs the Tardis, sticks it in his backpack of pain} C'mon.

{Unholy Tracy and Older Estelle walk off. A butterfly flies onscreen. Estelle runs after it.}

{Later...}

OLDER ESTELLE: I just had the sudden feeling we're forgetting something.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...AW {BLEEP}. We left Young Estelle.

UT'S BRAIN: YOU IDIOT! YOU AND OLDER ESTELLE ARE ALL ALONE!

OLDER ESTELLE: Whatchoo talkin' bout talking brain?

UT'S BRAIN: Oh crap, you can hear me? Um... YOINK! {oozes out of UT's ear, runs off. UT falls to the ground, twitching}

OLDER ESTELLE: ...Backing away. {Runs off}

UNHOLY TRACY:{gets up} Bah, I'm just kidding with y-Dammit. {runs off}

{Meanwhile...}

ESTELLE: {No longer chasing butterfly. Laying down... in the middle of a busy street.} That cloud looks like a candy cane!

{UT runs in and trips on Estelle, smashing his face into the ground}

UNHOLY TRACY: AAAGHHH! SON OF A-{notices Estelle} Er... {mumbling} Note to self; Try not to swear much. {normal} Good. I found you. Now, we need to find older you...

{Meanwhile...}

OLDER ESTELLE: Great, I'm los- OH, WHAT THE HELL.

DOGGIE: Why hello there, miss. How are you this fine day?

OLDER ESTELLE: Err... I'm doing good, thanks.

DOGGIE: Good, good. Do you want my picture?

OLDER ESTELLE: Uh... okay?

DOGGIE: Good. This is my picture.

{doggie hands Estelle a rather large picture of himself}

OLDER ESTELLE: Thanks, I guess...

DOGGIE: GEWD.

OLDER ESTELLE: I have to go now...

DOGGIE: NOOOO!!!

{doggie runs after Estelle but trips and explodes}

OLDER ESTELLE: ... What the {Bleep} just happened?

JAPANESE PERSON: this is Stereotypical Japan. Things randomly explode all the time!

OLDER ESTELLE: Okay then.

JAPANESE PERSON: Oh, by the way, you should be hiding. There are a large amount of catgirl fans here. And by fans I mean fanatics. And by fanatics I mean perverted doujinshi-drawers.

OLDER ESTELLE: Ah, yes. The catgirl's worst enemy...

JAPANESE PERSON: What about water?

OLDER ESTELLE: That too!

JAPANESE PERSON: Well, ayways, you better get going. I hear the call of an otaku...

{wheezing is heard}

JAPANESE PERSON: And he's getting closer.

OLDER ESTELLE: {Runs away yelling gibberish}

{a nerd runs up}

NERD: Aw, man!

JAPANESE PERSON: She went that way. {points to a location where Estelle didn't run off to}

NERD: THANKS! {runs off}

{Meanwhile...}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...OH GOD. I just realized something. Older you is alone and this place is covered in perverted otakus. It's a good thing you're with me, since about half of those otakus are pedophiles.

OLDER ESTELLE: {Runs by, still screaming gibberish}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Estelle, come on! {notices Estelle(young) has left} ...God, I hate that kid. {runs after Older Estelle}

OLDER ESTELLE: {Still running} ...Why am I still doing this? Ah well. {Starts singing this}

UNHOLY TRACY:{runs in} ESTELLE! I've lost young you.

OLDER ESTELLE: Wow, you have got to be the worst dad I've ever seen.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...There are two reasons that I actually care about her. One; She's my best friend's daughter. Two; She'll become you. {perverted smile}

OLDER ESTELLE: {Pukes} YOU ARE A SICK PERSON

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Oh wait a minute. H-how old are you?

OLDER ESTELLE: 16!!!

UNHOLY TRACY:{eyes widen} ...Hold on a minute. {runs off. violent puking can be heard, and then the sound of smashing one's head against a brick wall mixed with loud screams. Blood splatters onto Estelle from offscreen}

OLDER ESTELLE: And also... I'm technically your daughter! So... {Pukes again}

{five second pause, and then the sound of a large explosion}

OLDER ESTELLE: ...My father actually left me in the hands of this guy!?

UNHOLY TRACY:{walks onscreen, with a new body} I was his best friend. Quite possibly his only one.

OLDER ESTELLE: Where did that body come from?

UNHOLY TRACY: Clones. I have MILLIONS OF THEM.

{some clones runs onscreen. UT breaks the arm off of one}

UNHOLY TRACY:{breaks the arm in half, eats one half, offers the other to Estelle} Here. Try it. You're probably hungry.

OLDER ESTELLE: Sorry. Even when I'm 16, I still will never eat a severed arm.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...You were chewing on my arm when you were a small child. You seemed to like the taste.

OLDER ESTELLE: THAT WAS AN ARM!?

UNHOLY TRACY: Yes. Though, you WERE aiming for something else. I won't say what it is, because you'll likely puke out your small intestines.

OLDER ESTELLE: ... Tell me. I promise I won't puke.

UNHOLY TRACY: Oh yes you will. I'll give you a hint; Below the belt.

OLDER ESTELLE: {Pukes}

UNHOLY TRACY: Well... You didn't puke out your lower intestines, but I DO see a vital organ in that. ... Wait... {notices there is a rather large hole in his chest} ...How the hell did THAT happen?

OLDER ESTELLE: {Stops puking} Oh my god...

UNHOLY TRACY: The strange thing is, your father wasn't a pervert. Hmm... {touches Estelles forehead, concentrates} Hmm... I'm trying to find your mother... Aha! Found her. {walks off} I'll be back. Don't get yourself killed.

{Meanwhile...}

REBECCA: ... {Explodes}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Okay, that was weird. Your mom exploded. I'm-I'm gonna go fix that. {disapppears}

REBECCA: {Stays exploded}

UNHOLY TRACY:{warps in} Hmm... I guess I can learn some things about her and THEN un-explode her.

CONNOR (VOICE ONLY): DON'T. PLOT REASONS.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Whatever. {claps hands, the sound of a toilet flushing can be heard}

CONNOR (VOICE ONLY): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh...................

UNHOLY TRACY: Hehehe. {warps off}

{cut back to Estelle}

UNHOLY TRACY:{warps back in} Well, Connor stopped me. Say, why'd you say "Oh my God" earlier?

OLDER ESTELLE: Puking hurts...

UNHOLY TRACY: ...My unholy skin heals pain. I still have that half of arm. You want it?

OLDER ESTELLE: Shouldn't we be looking for younger me?

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Good idea. {throws the half of arm to Older Estelle} Here. You may need it.

OLDER ESTELLE: Okay, but I doubt it.

UNHOLY TRACY: My flesh is toxic to most things. It is not, however, toxic to you.

{a skull with tentacles coming out of the bottom flies in and smashes into UT}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...What-

{what appears to be Ichigo Kurosaki's bankai form, but headless, inverted, and with a hole in the chest runs in, takes the head, and attaches it to it's neck. The tentacles form shoulder pads}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...PARADOX WIBBLE.

OLDER ESTELLE: What does that have to do with anything!?

KEITH (VOICE ONLY): I thought we should have another character. And, I've been wanting to use this guy.

SKULL-HEADED PERSON: Hi.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...How are you here?

SKULL-HEADED PERSON: When Bell released all of his energy into Ll, it threw me into that body. I possessed it, and-{notices Estelle} Well, hello! I am True Hollow Bell and you'll be surprised what I can do with these tentacles-

UNHOLY TRACY: Dude, she's 16.

TRUE HOLLOW BELL: ...Ew.

OLDER ESTELLE: {Pukes again} Why does everybody hit on me!? FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'M NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE!!!

UNHOLY TRACY: ...You need to realize that we rarely even see other beings, let alone women.

OLDER ESTELLE: I know, I know, BUT SERIOUSLY. WILL EVERYBODY JUST STOP. STOP, DAMNIT!!! STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!

UNHOLY TRACY: Try wearing this. {summons up a shirt reading "I'm Only 16, Dammit. SHADDUP."} ...Is that a no?

OLDER ESTELLE: {Already wearing it}

'UNHOLY TRACY: ...Good. So, um, right. Young Estelle. Must find. Let's go.

{Meanwhile...}

ESTELLE: {In a SPOOKY FOREST} Lalalala!

{Herbert(yes, THAT Herbert), dressed as a wolf, creeps out from behind a tree and looks at the camera. He smiles pervertedly}

ESTELLE: {Sees Herbert} Oh! Hi mister wolf!

HERBERT: I have some candy. Do you want some?

ESTELLE: YAY! CANDY!

HERBERT: Okay. The candy is in my pants. You'll have to go get it.

ESTELLE: Oka-

{Older Estelle runs in and grabs Young Estelle. True Hollow Bell's head flies in and latches onto Herbert's limbs with the tentacles, UT and THB's body run in}

UNHOLY TRACY:{repeatedly kicking Herbert's nuts} You okay, Estelle?

ESTELLE: Awwwww, I was gonna get some candy...

UNHOLY TRACY: Stupid little child...

THB'S HEAD: How longer must I be doing this? I'm feeing uncomfortable touching an old man with my tentacles.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Go ahead and get off him.

THB'S HEAD: YEE! {releases Herbert, flies back and attaches back onto own body}

OLDER ESTELLE: {Pulls out crossbow} This will teach you not to try and mollest me! {Launches the arrow, impaling Herbert}

20 EXP GAINED!!!

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Holy hell. You didn't have to kill him.

OLDER ESTELLE: I needed the expierence points to enter the dark castle.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...LOLWUT. No, seriously. WHAT CASTLE?

OLDER ESTELLE: I was just making fun of RPGs. {Wellface}

{True Hollow Bling wellfaces as well}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...THB, don't you EVER make that face again.

ESTELLE: {Also wellfaces}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...WHAT THE F-

{a train with a Wellface on its front drives in and runs over UT}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. {attempts to wellface, struggles, head explodes}

OLDER ESTELLE: Can we just end thi-

IT'S FINALLY OVER!!!