(even if you aren't vegan)

The World's Greatest/50

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{Open to Quint, asleep in his bed. He is wearing a nightcap. Suddenly, he hears the voice of Henry}

HENRY: Quint, hey, Quint, wake up!

{Quint stirs}

QUINT: {Sleepily} P..piss off, Humphrey, you hit the bone bar...

HENRY: No, seriously, Quint, wake your chlamydia-ridden ass up.

{Quint sits up, blinks and rubs his eyes}

QUINT: Urgh, fuck you.

{Quint gets out of bed and removes his nightcap. Cut to Henry. It is night time. Quint walks out, onto Henry's body, like always}

QUINT: What is it?

HENRY: Look.

QUINT: What?

HENRY: We're finally there!

QUINT: What!?

{Cut to an overhead view of Maine, seagulls flying in the background.]

QUINT: We did it!

{Cut back to regular view}

QUINT: We finally did it! YES!

{Quint begins to cry as he hugs Henry}


{Slowly, the camera begins to pan down, and their voices fade out. It continues until it reaches the exterior of a guard tower. A gruff, American accented voice is heard from inside.}

VOICE: Back with the donuts, sir.

{Cut inside. Within there are two soldiers, one wearing a black beard and sunglasses, the other wearing a bandana around his neck and an Ace of Spades in his helmet. Blacky is holding a box of donuts, whereas Bandy is looking through his binoculars. He picks up a donut and takes a bite}

BANDY: Good donuts, private, now take a seat.

BLACKY: So what's our mission?

BANDY: Border patrol. That SOCIALIST FOOL Obama is letting immigrants in and we can't have that! No sir!

BLACKY: And when did you decide this?

BANDY: Eh, about 49 episodes ago.

BLACKY: Fair enough. 'Nother donut?

BANDY: You know it!

{Cut back to Quint and Henry, now both crying and dancing}


QUINT: There is only one word that describes my feelings towards this: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

{Zoom out to a view of the world, where, albiet slightly quieter, Quint's yelling can still be heard}


{Cut back to the guard tower, interior. Hearing the last echos of the Yes, Bandy jumps out of his seat as an alarm goes off}


{Bandy pulls out a rocket launcher from his back pocket, I guess, and fires out of the window, before sitting down}

BANDY: Job well done.

{Cut back to Quint and Henry, now calmed down}

QUINT: So, what, only five or so minutes to go?

HENRY: Yeah. God, it's taken so long.

QUINT: So, why were we going on this trip again.

HENRY: I remember it like it was yesterday. Basically, you and I, we-

{Suddenly, Henry is hit by the rocket. The explosion is massive and Quint and Henry both go ragdolling out of the sky, screaming. Eventually, however, the camera cuts to the ground. Quint hits the floor with an almighty thud} QUINT: OH, DEAR, JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK!?

{Henry falls on top of him, prompting a mightier bang}


{Quint crawls out from beneath Henry, clutching his head}

QUINT: Henry, are you okay?

{Short pause}

QUINT: No time for jokes, Henry, ARE YOU OKAY?

{Short pause}

QUINT: Henry, stop fucking messing about, what's up.

{Short pause}

QUINT: HENRY! HENRY! Oh dear jesus, what is this? A pause, right? We always do pauses, WE ALWAYS DO! This is to long for a short pause, christ, why do we call them short pauses, they're called beats in comedy, fuck! So a long pause then, right? A long one! Not even that? Come on, STOP PAUSING AND TALK TO ME! AUTHOR, CAN YOU HERE ME, NO MORE FUCKING PAUSES! HENRY! STOP PAUSING! NO! NO! NO! STOP! FUCKING! MESSING! ABOUT! STOP! PAUSING! STOP! FUCKING-

{Quint breaks down in tears}


{The camera zooms out to sound of Quint's sobbing. Cut to the interior guard tower}

BANDY: Job well done, Blacky, job well done!

{Suddenly, there is a knock at the door}

BLACKY: Come in!

{The door opens, revealing teh autouhr!!!}

BEN: Hey, guys, look, I'm kind of annoyed. First of all, you kind of killed me helicopter. Secondly, you're being here will make all three members of my audience think that I'm prejudiced against Americans, so...

BANDY: But I'm Canadian!

BEN: Oh. See you then.

{Cut back to Quint.}

QUINT: I'm just a koala bear. I like berries and fruit and peeing on boy bands, what did I do to deserve this? It doesn't matter. I'll be okay. I just need to find a way around.

{Suddenly, a helicopter descends from the sky}

QUINT: Oh. How convinient.

{The helicopter, which is painted green and armed with several deadly weapons, speaks in a voice similar to Bandy and Blacky}

HELICOPTER: Hi there, my name's Hugo, I'm here to be the faux-military's sweet gig. Are you called “Blacky”?

QUINT: No, my name is Quint Kaid Pignot Emigdio Topcudere Prokhor-

HUGO: That'll do me. Hop in, we got places to be son.

QUINT: Alright. I'll trust you.

{Quint hops in and Hugo rides off. The camera cuts to Quint and hugo, now sillouhetted against the rising sun, as the words “The World's Greatest: 50” and the names of all the episodes superimpose on the screen and the background slowly fades to black. End.}