The SkullB Show/50

Overview

Episode 50: Helloween

Season Finale

Lucy decides to give Hell a new holiday.

Transcript

{Open: Lucy's office. Lucy is sitting in her chair, reclining. She is blowing a lock of her hair out of her face.}

LUCY: {sighs} What's the one thing Hell needs?

{Suddenly, a large bug-man walks into the room.}

LUCY: Ah! Beelzebub! What seems to be the problem?

BEELZEBUB: Ah, ma'am! I've got reports of mass hunger in the third circle, ma'am-

LUCY: Oh, they're always hungry.

BEELZEBUB: Not to mention fights breaking out almost constantly in the fifth circle-

LUCY: That always happens, Beelzy. {sighs} Christ, you'd think the wrathful get tired after centuries of torture...

BEELZEBUB: And there's an outbreak of ennui among the damned, ma'am.

LUCY: Yeah, well-

{Lucy suddenly sits up.}

LUCY: Hold on... ennui? {panicked} Quick, we need to get a quarantine out!

BEELZEBUB: No, no, no... boredom.

LUCY: ... O-oh. That's significantly less bad.

BEELZEBUB: Come on, come see the damage...

{Cut: the Third Circle. The gluttons are sleeping on a pile of food.}

LUCY: Well... everything seems fine to me.

BEELZEBUB: Take a look...

{The camera pans over to show the Cerberus snoozing.}

LUCY: What the... Hey!

{One of the Cerberus' heads opens an eye.}

LUCY: Get up, Cerby!

{The Cerberus snorts a plume of fire and falls back asleep.}

LUCY: Urrgh...

{Cut: the Second Circle. Many lustful men and women are having conversations.}

LUCY: Wh-what is this?!

BEELZEBUB: The lustful. They're having thoughtful conversations and getting to know eachother.

LUCY: {furious} They're supposed to be {bleep}ing eachother 'till their {bleep}s fall off! How in God's name is this happening?

BEELZEBUB: They're getting bored, ma'am. We need to remedy this somehow!

LUCY: Ugh... what do you do to get excited?

{Cut: the Hell Boardroom.}

LUCY: Ladies, gentlemen... we have a problem. A recent outbreak of boredom and low productivity is getting the hold of Hell as a whole. Does anybody have any ideas?

MAMMON: We need to spend! Spend, spend, spend, that's what I say! Gold-plated chocolate fountains, clouds made of pure silver lining!

LUCY: It's always spending with you, Mammon... anybody else?

CHERNOBOG: I think we should build a theme park!

LUCY: Chernobog, we don't have that kind of money. You know that.

MAMMON: I do.

LUCY: Yes, we know.

CHAOS: ... I don't even have any ideas. It's just "Bring Your Bastard Son To Work Day".

LUCY: Anybody else?

BELPHEGOR: I think... I've got an idea.

LUCY: Speak up, then!

BELPHEGOR: Think about it... what gets people more excited... than a holiday?

LUCY: ... My God, Belphegor! You're right!

BELPHEGOR: Aren't I always?

LUCY: Then it's decided!

{Lucy stands up and strikes a victorious pose.}

LUCY: There will be a new holiday! I shall call it... Helloween!

{The boardmembers clap.}

LUCY: Now, let's organize this thing!

{Cut: Heaven. Angels are looking down at the Hell boardroom through a crystal ball.}

RAPHAEL: ... So? What do we think?

GABRIEL: This could be potentially dangerous. What if the people of the Middle Sphere learn of this?

RAPHAEL: Good point...

MICHAEL: Well, let's ask the man himself...

RAPHAEL: Hey... Hey, God!

{A massive eye opens in the background.}

GOD: (WHAT IS IT, MY SONS?)

RAPHAEL: Please, God, give us your opinion. What of this new holiday that Hell is coming up with?

GOD: (I SAY WE LET THEM BE FOR NOW.)

GABRIEL: Awwwww. I wanted to slay the damned.

GOD: (YOU'RE ALWAYS ON ABOUT SLAYING THE DAMNED, GABE. COME ON! WE CAN'T... WE CAN'T JUST SLAY THE DAMNED EVERY THURSDAY, GABE. YOU KNOW? I MEAN... IF WE SLAYED THE DAMNED EVERY DAY, I WOULDN'T BE- BE DOING MY JOB, OKAY? GABE, COME ON.)

{Cut: Hell. Demons and the damned are stringing up Helloween lights (mostly skulls and brimstone). Lucy and Chernobog are overseeing it.}

CHERNOBOG: Great job, everyone! Hey, Minotaur!

{A minotaur turns to look at Chernobog.}

CHERNOBOG: I love what you did with the skull pile!

{Pan over to show a statue of former king Satan made of bone.}

MINOTAUR: Thanks, chappie!

LUCY: You know, this is really turning out great. I'm glad we're doing this all, for Hell's sake!

CHERNOBOG: Finally, we have something to celebrate about!

{Pause.}

LUCY: What's Helloween about, anyhow?

CHERNOBOG: Oh, I planned ahead. I made a Helloween song telling us all about it!

LUCY: Oh, for God's sake.

CHERNOBOG: HIT IT

{Chernobog flies over to a stage. A band, "The Damned (Good-Looking)", are there. The band starts playing.}

CHERNOBOG: This is a song... About Helloween.

{The band instantly starts playing a cacophony of electric guitar and theremin. The music plays for a solid minute until it stops for just one moment.}

CHERNOBOG: Helloween.

{The band starts playing again.}

LUCY: It's... so perfect! What better way to celebrate than with noise?

CHERNOBOG: {offscreen} HELLOWEEEEN

LUCY: I'll get this on the radio, Chernobog! But for right now, I've gotta go spread the word!

{Cut: the Fourth Circle. Two damned are sitting near eachother, being dunked in molten gold by several demons.}

DAMNED SOUL 1: So, did you- ERRERGH- hear?

DAMNED SOUL 2: What?

DAMNED SOUL 1: There's a new holiday. GHEERRGH- They call it Helloween!

DAMNED SOUL 2: Sounds interesting. I might as well- EEEAAAAAARRRH- give it a look-see.

DEMON: ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP TALKING OR WILL I HAVE TO POUR MOLTEN GOLD DOWN YOUR THROATS

{Cut: the Seventh Circle. Several people are hanging from nooses on trees.}

HANGING MAN 1: Hey. Did you know there's a new holiday?

HANGING MAN 2: Do I, like, care?

HANGING MAN 1: Good point.

{Pause.}

HANGING MAN 3: This is why I killed myself.

{Cut: Heaven.}

GOD: (ANY NEWS ON THIS NEW HOLIDAY OF THEIRS?)

MICHAEL: Well, word of mouth has spread it all across Hell... We're waiting to see if it reaches the Gates of Purgatory.

GABRIEL: Let's hope not...

GOD: (AND IF IT DOES... MAKE SURE NOBODY HEARS OF IT.)

RAPHAEL: No problem, Sir.

{Cut: Lucy's office. Lucy is stringing up lights, while Chernobog directs some other demons. An angel walks up to Chernobog.}

CHERNOBOG: Hey, Luke!

LUCIFER: It's Lucifer, Chernobog. Get it right.

CHERNOBOG: Sheesh. {mumbling} You fall from Heaven and now you get everything on a silver platter...

LUCIFER: Hey! I only got where I was through work, okay?

CHERNOBOG: What do you want, Lucifer?

LUCIFER: I want to know what's going on. I've been seeing people happier than usual!

CHERNOBOG: Oh, this? This is Helloween, man! A celebration of all things Hellish!

LUCIFER: Hmm... Sounds interesting.

CHERNOBOG: Yeah, I know! I bet the people in Heaven would be pissed to find out about this!

LUCIFER: Heh... I'm sure they would.

CHERNOBOG: I mean, if the people on Earth knew about this holiday, they'd freak!

LUCIFER: Oh, my! That sounds scintillating.

CHERNOBOG: HEY. ... No funny stuff. Okay?

LUCIFER: Yeah, sure, whatever.

CHERNOBOG: Okay, good.

{Chernobog continues to direct people.}

LUCIFER: {to himself} Hm... This seems like a great opportunity to raise some hell... in every sense of the word!

{Lucifer flies offscreen.}

CHERNOBOG: {offscreen} Keep fanning the flames, Ukobach! Don't wanna undercook the sacrifice goats, now do we?

{Cut: a Hot Topic. Some guy (let's call him Donaldo) is at the counter, smoking. Suddenly, Lucifer appears in a poof of black smoke.}

DONALDO: Yo.

LUCIFER: Well! Who have we here?

DONALDO: I'm Don. Do you want a Charlie the Unicorn shirt?

LUCIFER: N-no. I came here to inform you of something.

DONALDO: ... Yeh?

LUCIFER: There's a new holiday celebrating all that is Hellish, all that is unholy!

DONALDO: ... Cool. When is it?

LUCIFER: It's next Sunday, when the Moon aligns with the Spheres...

DONALDO: ... Killer.

LUCIFER: Yes... tell all your friends to summon the Great Ba'al on that day, for he will give you all instructions.

DONALDO: ... Sure.

LUCIFER: Thank you, Don!

DONALDO: ... Whatev.

{Lucifer disappears.}

DONALDO: ... {yelling} Yo, Martin!

MARTIN: {offscreen} What is it, mang?

DONALDO: Come here! I wanna tell you something!

{Cut: Hell. Lucy is sunbathing near the Lake of Fire. Chernobog is sunbathing there as well.}

CHERNOBOG: I must say, Ma'am, you look great in this kind of light!

LUCY: Flattery will get you everywhere, Chernobog.

{A strange spider creature with a human's head walks over.}

LUCY: Oh, hey, Ba'al.

BA'AL: Hey, Luce. You got any calls today?

LUCY: Wait... what?

BA'AL: I've been getting tons from the surface. Something about... Halloween?

LUCY: Wait... you mean Helloween, right?

BA'AL: Yeah, that.

LUCY: Wait a minute... I thought nobody knew about that!

BA'AL: Well apparently over five million people do, now.

LUCY: ... Oh, really?

{Cut: Heaven. Lucy is talking with God. Lucy is surrounded by angels.}

GABRIEL: I knew it! I knew the info would leak!

LUCY: Look, I didn't do it, okay?

GOD: (CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?)

MICHAEL: Father, this demoness has spread the word of Helloween to Earth. Now the humans will be sacrificing people and eating dogs and everything!

GOD: (WH- WHAT? IS THAT WHAT YOU DO ON HELLOWEEN?)

LUCY: Hell, I don't know--I only just came up with it a week ago!

MICHAEL: Now that the humans know about this, your armies will be getting more members through the ritual sacrifice and the suicide and the baby-eating and everything!

RAPHAEL: This was one of your plans, wasn't it, scullery wench?

LUCY: Hey! Language.

GOD: (OH, OH MY. THIS SOUNDS... AWFUL.)

RAPHAEL: And today is Helloween! Do you have any idea how awful this will get? Just look at the celebration! LOOK AT IT!

{Raphael opens up a hole in the clouds.}

{Cut: a Hot Topic. There are shirts that read "I DRESS UP FOR HELLOWEEN" and other such phrases.}

GOD: {offscreen} (WOW, THAT IS AWFUL.)

{Cut: a house. Many people and demons are dancing.}

LUCY: {offscreen} Wait... is that Abraxas?

ABRAXAS: I'M CUTTING A RUG, I AM

PERSON: Shake it, Braxy!

GOD: {offscreen} (THAT'S... NOT AS BAD?)

{Cut: Hell. A bunch of demons and damned souls are playing with a pinata shaped like an angel.}

DEMON: Alright! Beat that thing!

GOD: {offscreen} (OKAY, THAT'S KINDA FUNNY.)

RAPHAEL: {offscreen} Hah, it looks like Gabriel.

LUCY: {offscreen} Wow, I didn't even notice the resemblance!

{The hole in the clouds closes.}

RAPHAEL: It... it doesn't look bad. At all!

LUCY: But... they were to summon Ba'al! Why didn't he tell them to commit ritual suicide?

GABRIEL: It appears... He gave them... party lists?

LUCY: ... Of course! Ba'al's always been that kind of guy!

GOD: (IT APPEARS... HELLOWEEN IS SAFE TO CELEBRATE.)

LUCY: Don't you see? Whether you're celebrating Hell, or Christmas, or whatever holiday you want, the reason is still the same... you're celebrating. There's nothing wrong with celebration, is there?

MICHAEL: ... I wouldn't think so.

LUCY: Exactly. People want to be free to choose how to celebrate whatever they want! That's why I want Helloween to continue.

GOD: (... I AGREE. ON ONE CONDITION.)

LUCY: Hm?

GOD: (LET'S NOT LET THE EARTHLINGS KNOW ABOUT IT. THEY MIGHT GET THE WRONG IDEA.)

LUCY: Well. That sounds good!

GOD: (ALRIGHT, THEN! LET'S HAVE A BEACH PARTY! IN HEAVEN!)

{Everybody starts dancing.}

{Cut: the Living Room. SkullB is on the couch, holding a plastic cup in one hand and a spinner in another. Casey is passed out behind the couch. Jerry ambles into the room.}

JERRY: That was... that was a hell of a Halloween. I mean... a hall of a Helloween. I mean... you know what I mean.

SKULLB: Is this my first line?

JERRY: {chuckles} Yeahh.

SKULLB: Man. That's funny somehow.

{Cue credits.}