The SkullB Show/42

Overview

Episode 42: Paranoid Android

SkullB is struck with a fit of paranoia after watching a news report.

Transcript

{Open: the Living Room. SkullB and Jerry are on the couch, watching TV.}

SKULLB: Isn't life as a TV star just the most glamorous?

JERRY: Sure, whatever. You are aware that Conshow already has, like, 45 episodes?

SKULLB: Oh, crap, really?! We need to do more episodes!

JERRY: ... Oh, crap, you're right! We've only got 41 episodes!

SKULLB: Come on! Go go go go-

{Cue theme song.}

{Cut: the Living Room. SkullB and Casey are watching TV.}

CASEY: Man, nothing is on TV! I've been reading the news ticker for the last half-hour!

SKULLB: Apparently, They found warheads like fifty times today. God, get new... news.

GUY: {on TV} ... and now it's time for our weekly "Terrifying Terror Terr-update"!

{Zoom in to the TV screen.}

GUY: According to new, totally not made-up-on-the-spot reports, terrorists may be pumping noxious gas... into your homes!

CASEY: Pfft, what a load.

SKULLB: Yeah.

GUY: According to said statistics, over 50 people have died this year due to what we call "Terror Gas". Keep a look out, America--do you want another 9/11? I'm Guy Newscaster. Now for sports!

{Zoom out. SkullB looks terrified.}

SKULLB: ... Oh, God!

CASEY: Skully, they're using terrorists as a way to get more viewers. Chances are that this is just yellow journalism.

SKULLB: No... no, way! They had statistics! Statistics, woman!

CASEY: Skully, everybody knows that 79.5 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.

SKULLB: I'd feel obligated to agree, but these are terrorists, Casey. Terrorists!

CASEY: ... There is no reasoning with you, is there?

SKULLB: I'll have you know that I cannot be reasoned with. So, ha!

CASEY: Screw it, I'm leaving.

{Casey walks off.}

SKULLB: Look out for nerve gas!

{Cut: the Lab. Number Two is in his usual spot, a thinking look on his face.}

NUMBER TWO: Hmm... how can I do it?

{Assistant pokes his head in.}

ASSISTANT: Do what now?

NUMBER TWO: I'm trying to get a ton of money to create a massive nuclear warhead. It turns out lemonade stands don't make nearly as much money as they say.

ASSISTANT: Well... how much is a warhead, anyhow?

NUMBER TWO: It's about, say, a billion or so dollars. I heard North Korea's selling for ten mills!

ASSISTANT: Holy-! We're never going to get that kind of money... ever!

NUMBER TWO: {dripping with sarcasm} Wow. You're optimistic, aren't you?

ASSISTANT: Even if we got a government grant, I doubt we could actually fi-

NUMBER TWO: A government grant! That's it!

ASSISTANT: ... You're not seriously considering getting a government grant... are you?

NUMBER TWO: You bet your pale be-hind I am! Quick, call up the President!

ASSISTANT: Oh, God... we're not doing this.

NUMBER TWO: Yes. Yes we are.

{The camera slowly zooms in on Number Two.}

NUMBER TWO: With God as my witness, I shall have a warhead by the end of this episode!

ASSISTANT: ... What episode?

NUMBER TWO: Oh. I guess you don't get it yet.

ASSISTANT: Get wha- oh, never mind.

{Cut: the Living Room. Jerry is on the couch, half-asleep. Casey walks in.}

CASEY: Jerry!

JERRY: {waking up} Ah! Oh! Wh- what?

CASEY: Jerry, Skully's been missing. It's been hours since I saw him!

JERRY: He's probably just sleeping or something.

CASEY: That's the thing--he's not in the garage.

JERRY: ... Really. Where do you think he could be?

CASEY: I don't know... I've checked everywhere he could be...

JERRY: Even the liquor cabinet?

CASEY: Not a drop was gone!

JERRY: This really isn't like Skully.

SKULLB: {distant} Quiet! They'll hear you!

JERRY: What the-

{Cut: the Attic. Jerry and Casey walk up to see SkullB, holed up and hiding behind a foxhole made of pillows.}

JERRY: {groans} Skully... what the hell are you doing up here?

SKULLB: Didn't I tell you to be quiet?! They're watching!

CASEY: Oh, gosh...

JERRY: What do you mean, "oh gosh"? What did you do to him?

CASEY: It wasn't me, per se...

SKULLB: Listen, if you're going to keep talking, we'll all be dead. So leave.

JERRY: First tell me just what is going on!

SKULLB: Come back here first.

{Jerry groans and he steps behind the foxhole. Casey walks downstairs.}

JERRY: Alright, what's going on?

SKULLB: They're watching me... waiting for the right time to strike...

JERRY: Will you quit with the cryptic crap and just get out with it?

SKULLB: Terrorists, Jerry. Terrorists are trying to kill me.

JERRY: ... {long pause} WHAT?!

SKULLB: Keep your voice down!

JERRY: You're kidding. Are you? Please say you are-

SKULLB: Alright, that's enough! Get out before the gas gets you!

JERRY: Why should I worry about some stupid gas?

SKULLB: ... You. You. You must be their spy, aren't you?

JERRY: {groans} Skully, please-

SKULLB: How do I know if you're here to kill me or not? Do you have the gas pellets?

JERRY: Gh-

SKULLB: Do you? Do you?!

JERRY: That's it! I'm leaving!

{Jerry jumps out of the foxhole and trudges down the stairs.}

SKULLB: ... Note to self--take out Jerry. He's a suspect.

{Cut: the United Nations building. Number Two is talking with an important-looking figure.}

NUMBER TWO: ... so that's why we need government funding.

LEADER: ... Come again? All you said was "... so that's why we need government funding".

NUMBER TWO: Oh. I forgot that part, didn't I?

{Number Two clears his throat and gingerly takes out a sheet of paper.}

NUMBER TWO: {forcefully} I wish to procure government funding for an important research project I wish to commence. This project is a study on the effects of different medicines on the {struggles to read the following word} pneumonoultravolcaniosiliconiosis virus. This study hopes to provide a cure for those who suffer from {struggling again} pneumonoultravolcaniosiliconiosis. Help would be much appreciated.

{Number Two puts the paper back in his back.}

NUMBER TWO: {sounding suspiciously like SMW Mario} So? Whaddya think?

LUIGI: {distant} Don't try wearing that in Brooklyn! {wheezes}

LEADER: ... Is this virus of yours actually real?

NUMBER TWO: I have a patient with the virus right now. Would you like to see him?

LEADER: Sure... I suppose.

{Number Two ushers Assistant onto the scene. Assistant looks battered and bruised.}

LEADER: ... Sir, this man looks like he fell down some stairs.

ASSISTANT: {pained} I di-

NUMBER TWO: Simply a symptom of pneumonoultravolcaniosiliconiosis!

LEADER: ... Really.

NUMBER TWO: Yes! Really!

LEADER: Well. I wouldn't refuse a patient who is obviously in massive amounts of pain. You've got the grant.

NUMBER TWO: Aww, sweet! Thanks, man! You're the bomb! And soon, I'll be!

LEADER: Hm?

NUMBER TWO: It's a figure of speech. Yep.

{Number Two and Assistant leave the room.}

ASSISTANT: ... You beat me with a baseball bat.

NUMBER TWO: Well, how else could we get warhead money?

ASSISTANT: ... You beat me with a baseball bat!

NUMBER TWO: It's always the details with you, huh?

{Cut: the Living Room. Fran and Casey are watching TV over a cup of coffee.}

CASEY: So, Franny--what brings you over here?

FRAN: Well, it's just that Skully... where is he?

CASEY: Why do you care? He's a womanizing pig with no self-respect.

FRAN: Yeah, but... I kinda miss him. A little.

CASEY: Hm?

FRAN: I miss the company, really. I mean, I kind of enjoy it when he hits on me, and watches me through my window with those dreamy eyes of his, and when he sometimes spies on me in the shower--it's nice having somebody around!

CASEY: ... He spies on you in the shower?

FRAN: Well, he's done it every Tuesday on alternating weeks, yes. He's very strict about these kind of things, I've noticed.

CASEY: Well! Creepiness aside, I do know where he is.

FRAN: Really?

CASEY: Yep. He's gone and holed himself up in the attic thanks to some stupid news report.

FRAN: Poor thing! He must be scared out of his wits!

CASEY: Nah. He's just a moron.

FRAN: I'm gonna go up there and try to reason with him.

CASEY: Good luck.

{Fran walks up the stairs. Seconds later, a gunshot is heard. Fran walks down the stairs again, this time with a slightly pained look in her eyes.}

CASEY: Are- are you okay?

FRAN: He shot me in the pinky toe. Otherwise I'm fine.

'CASEY: God, Skully can be an idiot sometimes. Here, let's go up together. Maybe two women can persuade him!

FRAN: Good idea, girlfriend!

{The two walk up the stairs together. They enter the attic to see a heavily-armed SkullB, sitting in a corner.}

SKULLB: You! You're back!

CASEY: Skully, shut up. Quit the paranoid act--the news report was fake.

SKULLB: ... Really?

CASEY: Yes, really. In fact... they made a report saying that it was an... April Fools Day prank! Hah! That's it, yeah.

SKULLB: Really? So that means that I can leave the attic?

CASEY: Of course, Skully!

SKULLB: Alright! I'll- WAIT! You... you're trying to trick me!

CASEY: ... Yes. Yes I am.

{SkullB fires at Casey. The bullet hits the wall right by her.}

CASEY: GAH! Franny, you're on your own!

{Casey runs out of the attic.}

FRAN: ... Skully, what's the matter?

SKULLB: ... Can I trust you?

FRAN: Of course you can! Why wouldn't you?

SKULLB: You could be a terrorist informant, for one.

FRAN: Well! I'm not sure if the FCC would allow it, but would this impress you?

{Zoom in to SkullB's face. You can see the shadow of Fran lifting her shirt, and her shirt lands on SkullB's head. Seconds later, her bra lands on SkullB.}

SKULLB: ... Okay. I believe you.

{Cut: the Lab. Assistant enters the room to see Number Two, looking giddy, at his chair.}

ASSISTANT: Hey, Master. You finished your warhead yet?

NUMBER TWO: Yep! Come here and see it!

{Pan over to show a massive warhead sitting in the lab. Assistant yelps as he sees it.}

ASSISTANT: Why would you keep that thing in here?

NUMBER TWO: What better place to keep it?

ASSISTANT: That thing might go off! Are you crazy?

NUMBER TWO: I'm crazy awesome, if that's what you mean. Also, I honestly doubt the warhead's gonna blow up our house. That would be stupid!

ASSISTANT: ... Whatever. If that thing goes off when I'm around, I'm gonna make sure you go with me.

NUMBER TWO: Goes off? That reminds me! I've gotta test this baby! To the Bikini Atoll!

{Batman swipe to an island in the middle of the ocean. In a helicopter, far from the island, Number Two and Assistant are preparing to shoot off the warhead.}

NUMBER TWO: {yelling over the helicopter noise} This is it, Assistant! Moment of truth! Fire the warhead, Lonny!

{The warhead is shot toward the island. It hits the island with a thunk. Nothing happens.}

NUMBER TWO: {long pause, looking distressed} ... WHAT?!

ASSISTANT: Well. It was a dud.

NUMBER TWO: {extremely exasperated} WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS A DUD?!

ASSISTANT: It... it didn't go off. That's what I mean-

NUMBER TWO: {angrily} So I beat you with a bat... for NOTHING?!

ASSISTANT: Looks like it.

NUMBER TWO: No... NO! I can't BELIEVE it!

ASSISTANT: Oh, God... I'm gonna be beat for this, aren't I?

NUMBER TWO: No... I'm too self-loathing for that today. Maybe... {sighs} maybe tomorrow. Let's go sell these to North Korea--maybe we can buy a PS3 with the money.

ASSISTANT: Buh-zing.

{The helicopter flies off. About half a minute later, the warhead leans over and falls into the water. Seconds later, an explosion can be seen. A pineapple floats to the surface and catches fire.}

{Cut: the Living Room. Casey and Jerry are on the couch, watching the news. Fran and SkullB walk down the stairs--Fran looking quite embarrassed.}

CASEY: Hey, Skully's out of the attic!

JERRY: You certainly did work your magic, didn't you?

FRAN: Yep!

JERRY: ... What did you do, anyway?

FRAN: I'd, uh... heh! I'd rather not say.

SKULLB: All you need to know is that I got a bra out of it. Yeah... smooth.

CASEY: Perverted jokes aside, look on the news!

{Zoom in to the TV.}

GUY: Hi, I'm Guy Newscaster. We here at Channel Five are sorry to say that a previous report on Terror Gas was false. It turns out that one of the writers here is a dolt and decided to write something to make me look bad. So we're very sorry. Very. Sorry. {sighs} What did we do... We're horrible! Horrible newscasters! {breaking down} We don't deserve to lick the boots of channels like CNN or NBC! We're nothing but inbred hillbilly morons! We're nothing! {crying} Noooothiiiing!

{Guy cries for about a minute.}

GUY: {sniffs} And now... now for sports.

{Zoom out. Everybody in the room looks relieved.}

SKULLB: So... it was all a lie?

JERRY: Yep.

{Pause.}

JERRY: So how'd she look?

SKULLB: Eh. I'd give her a six.

{Cue credits.}