The SkullB Show/41

Overview

Episode 41: Skully's Baby Buggy Brother

SkullB finds a baby brother or something! Thanks, Chwoka!

CAST: Skullbuggy, Jerry, Casey, General, Soldier, Skulltank, Assistant, Number Two

PLACES: The Living Room, an army base, a beach, the Lab, the Living Room, the Front Yard

PAGE TITLE: Boys do cry.

Transcript

{Open: the Living Room.}

SKULLB: Witty banter.

JERRY: Snarky comment.

CASEY: Tort reply.

JERRY: Passive remark.

{Cue theme song.}

{Cut: a military base. Several soldiers stand around a table.}

GENERAL: Gentlemen, I give you...

{A small tank with a skull on it rolls out.}

GENERAL: The Skulltank! A marvel of modern technology! With two modes, remote control and artificial intelligence, the Skulltank is perfect for covert operations!

SOLDIER: Sir?

GENERAL: Yes, sir?

SOLDIER: Why would you give it AI?

GENERAL: Well, why the hell not?

SOLDIER: ... Okay, then.

GENERAL: Good! Now, let's test it! Switch on the AI!

{A soldier flips a switch on the Skulltank. The Skulltank immediately drives into a wall.}

GENERAL: ... Who the hell designed this?

SOLDIER: Wasn't it y-

GENERAL: Scrap it. We'll make a better one!

SOLDIER: Sir, yes, sir!

{The soldiers take the small tank out of the room and toss it out a window. The tank falls down a sheer cliff and into the water below.}

GENERAL: {offscreen} I knew it was a good idea to build this place on a cliff.

{The tank drifts across the sea somehow until it washes ashore onto a beach. Meanwhile, SkullB and Jerry are walking along the same beach.}

SKULLB: You know what really bums me out, Jerry?

JERRY: What?

SKULLB: I don't have a brother.

JERRY: ... Skully, you have four of them.

SKULLB: I know, but... I want a real brother. One I can play with and tell jokes to and beat him at Mario Kart.

JERRY: Skully, it's not that simple-

SKULLB: Where do babies come from, Jerry?

JERRY: ... Ho, boy. Well... Skully, when a man loves a woman, he-

SKULLB: No! No, I meant... where do robot babies come from?

JERRY: Oh! Oh. I have no idea.

SKULLB: Wow, you're no help.

JERRY: How do robots even... you know?

SKULLB: Like I should know.

{Suddenly, Jerry trips.}

JERRY: AH! Damnit!

SKULLB: You... you okay?

JERRY: What the hell did I trip on?

{Pan down to show a rusty Skulltank.}

SKULLB: ... What... what is that?

JERRY: ... It looks like a tank. With a skull on it.

SKULLB: ... a brother?

JERRY: A what?

SKULLB: A brother! He can be my brother!

JERRY: You're... you're kidding me.

SKULLB: Nope! This guy can be my little brother I've always wanted!

JERRY: And what about the other ones?

SKULLB: They're dead to me. One's a Brit, one has a vendetta against me, one's dead and another's Proto Man.

JERRY: ... Well. I can see why.

SKULLB: Can I keep him? Please?

JERRY: Remember the dog, Skully? The one that insisted on chewing your head?

SKULLB: This isn't a dog, Jerry. This is a tank.

JERRY: Well! You have me there. You can take him home with us.

SKULLB: Alright!

{SkullB beckons the Skulltank over with his hand. After about ten seconds, SkullB takes Skulltank and starts carrying it offscreen.}

{Cut: the Living Room. Casey is on the couch, watching TV.}

ANNOUNCER: Coming soon to the XBox 360, it's-

{Zoom in to the screen.}

ANNOUNCER: Grand Theft Amish: No Vice in This City! Play through the exciting world of Dutch Pennsylvania as you raise a house!

{A scene on the TV shows a couple Amish raising a house.}

ANNOUNCER: Churn some butter!

{A scene shows an Amish churning butter while a series of buttons are shown on the screen.}

ANNOUNCER: And drive your horse-drawn buggy to market!

{A scene shows an Amish riding a horse-drawn buggy. This goes on for about a minute.}

ANNOUNCER: Grand Theft Amish! Rated "M" for Mennonites.

{Zoom back out. SkullB, Jerry and Skulltank come in.}

CASEY: Hey, guys! How was the beach?

JERRY: It was alright. I was, however, disappointed it wasn't a topless beach.

CASEY: See, this is why I'm considering marriage counselling. But on a more light-hearted note, what's that thing that Skully's carrying?

SKULLB: It's my new baby brother!

CASEY: ... {blushes} Awww, he's attached to an inanimate object! How child-like!

JERRY: Yeah, this cannot be healthy.

SKULLB: Come on, little bro, let's play some frisbee! I'll teach you how to throw a thumber!

{SkullB drags Skulltank outside with him. Through the window, SkullB can be seen with Skulltank, throwing a frisbee. Jerry and Casey look on.}

JERRY: God, this is really depressing.

CASEY: Yeah, but it beats having a baby!

JERRY: Heh, yeah.

{Pause.}

JERRY: Do you still have that folder of those kittens with the captions? I'm bummed.

{Cut: the Lab. Assistant is at the monitor, doing something or other. Number Two walks in.}

NUMBER TWO: Assistant, what are you doing at my computer?

ASSISTANT: Just chatting with this girl I met online. She's really nice!

NUMBER TWO: She's probably a man, you know.

ASSISTANT: Would you give me one thing to be confident in? Okay?

NUMBER TWO: God, fine. Listen, I'm gonna go spy on my brother for a bit. And... don't look too much into my computer, okay?

ASSISTANT: My, that's... oddly specific.

NUMBER TWO: Yeah, I have my reasons.

{Number Two leaves the room.}

{Cut: the Front Yard. Number Two peeks over the fence to see SkullB having fun with Skulltank.}

NUMBER TWO: {thinking} What the hell is he playing with?

SKULLB: Oh, Skulltank. You're the best brother I've ever had!

NUMBER TWO: {thinking} Skulltank?! That sounds pretty powerful!

{Number Two clears his throat. SkullB turns to see him.}

SKULLB: Number Two?

NUMBER TWO: Hey, bro! How's it hanging?

SKULLB: I'm doing pretty well! Have you met Skulltank yet?

NUMBER TWO: ... Nope. Why?

SKULLB: Well, he's our new baby brother!

NUMBER TWO: ... He's not moving.

SKULLB: Yeah, he's pretty quiet. But he's not a pain, that's for sure!

NUMBER TWO: That's... {sighs} That's pretty depressing. Say, can I see him for a bit?

SKULLB: I don't see why not.

{Number Two hops over the fence and grabs Skulltank.}

NUMBER TWO: Fool! I have him now! And I shall use him against you! See how you like that!

{Number Two hops back over the fence.}

SKULLB: What- No! Skulltank! Come back!

{Jerry and Casey walk out of the house.}

JERRY: {sighs} I knew this would happen.

SKULLB: They took my baby! Nooo!

CASEY: Oh, cheer up, Skully. He'll be back, I promise!

SKULLB: No he won't! Number Two took him! He'll never come back!

JERRY: Oh, God. Break out the kitty pictures.

SKULLB: Nothing will help me now! Nothi- aww, that cat's using a computer! {giggles} Cats don't use computers!

{Cut: the Lab.}

NUMBER TWO: {offscreen} Assistant! Get out here!

ASSISTANT: {sighs} Can't you just bring it in here? I'm trying to chat with my friend!

NUMBER TWO: {offscreen} Fine!

{Number Two drags the Skulltank into the lab.}

NUMBER TWO: {pants} Here. I got this.

ASSISTANT: So... you found a tank with a skull on it?

NUMBER TWO: Well, Skullbuggy had it, and I had to take it!

ASSISTANT: ... Wow. You're quite the klepto. {types}

NUMBER TWO: No I'm not, you-- HEY! What are you typing?

ASSISTANT: Nothing, si-

NUMBER TWO: Let me see that!

{Number Two pushes Assistant away. He reads the chat.}

NUMBER TWO: ... HEY! I do not smell like sick cats!

ASSISTANT: Yeah... you do.

NUMBER TWO: Sh... shut up. I don't smell like sick cats.

ASSISTANT: Let's talk about something else, Master. Like... what you're gonna do with that tank.

NUMBER TWO: I thought you'd never ask! I'm going to rebuild this to be a superweapon!

ASSISTANT: ... Oh, okay.

NUMBER TWO: ... Come on! I thought you'd be more... you know, supportive!

ASSISTANT: It's just that the rebuilding shtick is a bit played out. You do know that last week, Dr. Brainfreeze rebuilt a tank to fire ice beams, right?

NUMBER TWO: Oh, man! Dr. Brainfreeze beats me to everything. Well, whatever! I'm gonna do it anyway--who cares about Dr. Brainfreeze anyhow?

ASSISTANT: Half the earth.

NUMBER TWO: Sh... shut up. I'm gonna do it anyhow.

{Pause.}

NUMBER TWO: Do... do I really smell like a sick cat?

ASSISTANT: Just slightly.

{Cut: the army base. The general is sitting at his desk, playing with little planes. He makes plane noises every once in a while. Suddenly, a soldier comes in, and the general puts away the planes.}

SOLDIER: Sir!

GENERAL: Ah- er- what is it, soldier?

SOLDIER: Sir, we have reports that civilians have found the Skulltank prototype!

GENERAL: ... And?

SOLDIER: That could be bad.

GENERAL: Soldier, that thing is a piece of crap. How could they use it to their advantage?

{The soldier points to an as-of-yet unseen television screen that shows Number Two and Assistant rebuilding the Skulltank.}

GENERAL: ... Tell me, just who are these men?

SOLDIER: They're some low-profile villains, sir. We wanted to monitor them, but they really don't do anything.

GENERAL: Alright, then. We should probably stop him from doing anything drastic.

{The general takes out a radio.}

GENERAL: {into radio} All troops to Decentville at once! We have a possible hostile situation, over.

{Cut: the Front Yard. SkullB is still moping.}

SKULLB: I'll never see my baby brother again... {sniffles}

{Number Two suddenly busts through the fence, Skulltank in hand. Skulltank now looks much darker.}

NUMBER TWO: Hey, Skullbuggy! Say hello to my little friend!

SKULLB: Brother?! What did you do to him, you monster?

NUMBER TWO: I fixed him up a bit, that's what!

SKULLB: Fixed?! You've destroyed him!

NUMBER TWO: Really? We'll see who's talking once you get a facefull of lead! Skulltank--destroy him!

{Pause.}

NUMBER TWO: ... Skulltank! Destroy him!

{Long pause.}

NUMBER TWO: What the hell? Why doesn't it work?

SKULLB: Hah! Foiled again, Number Two!

NUMBER TWO: Come on! This is bull!

GENERAL: {offscreen} Alright, stop all this.

{Pan over to show a large army in front of the house.}

NUMBER TWO: ... How long have you been here?

GENERAL: Long enough. Men! Seize the tank.

SKULLB: What?

NUMBER TWO: WHAT?!

GENERAL: Hand it over, kid. Man. Whatever you are.

NUMBER TWO: No way, man! This is my killer robot!

SKULLB: You mean my little brother!

NUMBER TWO: You jerk, I'm your brother!

SKULLB: You're dead to me!

NUMBER TWO: ... That's cold, man. What the hell was that about?

GENERAL: Shut up, both of you. Hand over the tank and there's less of a chance we'll use these tanks. I mean, we won't. Use the tanks.

{Casey and Jerry walk onto the yard.}

CASEY: Come on! Can a single day pass when there's not armed forces on our lawn?

JERRY: Skully... what is this about?

SKULLB: ... They want to take my brother away!

JERRY: {sighs} Skully, look. This tank isn't your brother. It belongs to somebody else--that somebody being the United States Army.

CASEY: Skully... sometimes... you have to let things go, okay? It's for the best.

SKULLB: But... {tearing up} but...

CASEY: Skully... you need to let him go.

{SkullB looks at Skulltank. He looks back at Jerry and Casey. He repeats this for a couple seconds.}

SKULLB: ... Okay. I'll do it. Just... let me hug him one last time...

{SkullB goes up to Skulltank and hugs him. While doing this, he accidentally flips a switch on the back, marked "AI".}

SKULLB: I love you, Skulltank...

SKULLTANK: I... love... you... too...

SKULLB: SKULLTANK!

{The army takes Skulltank, who looks solemnly at SkullB as he is taken away. SkullB, completely shocked, falls to his knees and stays there, speechless.}

CASEY: Oh... oh, my goodness...

JERRY: ... Wow.

NUMBER TWO: Damnit! Ruined again!

{Number Two walks through the hole created earlier.}

SKULLB: I... I can't believe it...

CASEY: Skully, I'm so sorry...

SKULLB: No... it's- it's okay. This was my fault from the beginning.

JERRY: Don't say that, Skully. You're making us all feel bad.

CASEY: Cheer up, little guy... you wanna go get a smoothie?

SKULLB: ... Yes, I would like that very much.

CASEY: Good, let's go get a smoothie!

{Cut: a smoothie shop. SkullB and the others are at a table. SkullB and Casey have smoothies, while Jerry just sits there, looking depressed.}

JERRY: This was... really depressing, wasn't it?

SKULLB: Yeah.

CASEY: Yeah.

{Pause.}

SKULLB: Casey?

CASEY: Hm?

SKULLB: Where do babies come from?

CASEY: {blushes} Well...

{Cut: the montage from the "Wink Wink" sketch from Monty Python.}

{Cut: the smoothie shop. Casey is blushing, while SkullB looks horrified.}

SKULLB: ... AAAAH! WHY DID I ASK?!

{Cue credits.}