The SkullB Show/18

Overview

Episode 18: Resident Evil

A demon comes to visit.

CAST: Casey, Skullbuggy, Jerry, Chernobog, Raphael

PLACES: Living Room, Front Door, Decentville Mall

PAGE TITLE: The SkullB Show!

Transcript

{Open: the Living Room. Casey is on the couch, eating popcorn and watching TV. Suddenly, an explosion rattles the house.}

SKULLB: {offscreen} Casey?

CASEY: {sighs} What is it, Skully?

SKULLB: {offscreen} The kitchen is on fire!

CASEY: And?

SKULLB: {offscreen} I'm also on fire.

CASEY: I'm not going to help you because you won't learn anything.

SKULLB: {offscreen} Damn you to hell!

CASEY: Already there, Skully.

{Cue theme song.}

{Cut: the Living Room. Jerry and SkullB are playing a video game.}

SKULLB: Oh, I am owning you!

JERRY: You know damn well I'm no good at Maple Treeway!

SKULLB: I do, my good Jerry!

{A ring comes from the door.}

SKULLB: You go get it.

JERRY: Alright. Jeez.

{Jerry goes to the door and opens it. At the door is a red demon. It appears to have a human torso, goat-like legs and a pair of horns, as well as a long, forked tail and a pair of wings.}

JERRY: And... who are you?

DEMON: Hi, I'm a representative of Hell.

JERRY: ... Excuse me?

DEMON: Oh, yes, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Chernobog, and I've come here to take a look at your daily lives.

JERRY: ... Excuse me?!

CHERNOBOG: Yes, I'm your "auditor", so to speak. I'm here to determine whether you and your girlfriend go to Hell or not.

JERRY: And what about Skullbuggy?

CHERNOBOG: Oh, he's just a robot. His cold metal heart can feel no love, for he has no soul.

JERRY: ... Ouch.

CHERNOBOG: Mind if I come in?

JERRY: If I don't?

CHERNOBOG: I can set you on fire.

JERRY: Come right on in!

{The two enter the house.}

SKULLB: Who's the red guy?

CHERNOBOG: I'm Chernobog, representative of the fifth layer of Hell.

SKULLB: Charmed. What, all the hellfire give you a sunburn?

CHERNOBOG: Essentially, yes.

SKULLB: Wow. You're surprisingly level-headed for a demon and everything.

CHERNOBOG: I like to think of that as one of my better qualities.

SKULLB: So, Jerry, why's he here?

JERRY: He pretty much wants to see if we're going to Hell.

SKULLB: Ah. Makes sense.

CHERNOBOG: Now, I'd like you to do what you normally do. Pretend I'm not here!

JERRY: Al- alright, then.

{Jerry sits down nervously and resumes playing video games.}

JERRY: So, where do you want to go this time?

SKULLB: We're doing Maple Treeway.

JERRY: Again?

SKULLB: House rules. Maple Treeway must be played at least three times in a session of Mario Kart.

JERRY: What house rules? You just made those up!

SKULLB: Hey, HEY! House rules!

JERRY: God damnit.

CHERNOBOG: Oooh, taking the Lord's name in vain. That's gonna cost you.

JERRY: Damn.

{Casey walks into the room.}

CASEY: Who's this weirdo beardo?

CHERNOBOG: Chernobog, glad to meet you.

CASEY: Huh. So why's he here?

JERRY: I'll tell you later.

CASEY: Oh, alright.

SKULLB: Oh, I am so kicking your ass!

JERRY: Oh, come on!

SKULLB: Hey, I'm a car. I should know how to drive.

{Cut: the Decentville Mall. Jerry and SkullB are walking around, Chernobog following suit.}

SKULLB: {to Jerry} Is he- is he just going to keep following us?

JERRY: {to SkullB} Just ignore him.

{An attractive woman walks by. Jerry can't help but stare as she walks off.}

CHERNOBOG: Tsk tsk, Jerry! For shame!

JERRY: Wh- what? What'd I do?

CHERNOBOG: Lust... one of the seven deadly sins! That's going on your record for certain.

JERRY: Aw, damn.

CHERNOBOG: Language!

SKULLB: Hah, you're going to Hell.

{Cut: the Living Room. Casey is getting ready to leave for somewhere.}

CASEY: Let's see, I should have enough to buy groceries today.

{Pause.}

CASEY: But I'm sure Jerry wouldn't mind if I got a little something for myself!

{Casey reaches for Jerry's wallet. Suddenly, Chernobog poofs in from behind her.}

CHERNOBOG: Oh, my! Greedy, aren't we?

CASEY: Wh- gh- how'd you get in the house?

CHERNOBOG: This is going down on your permanent record!

{Chernobog poofs out.}

CASEY: This is why I hate being a Christian.

{Cut: the Living Room, a day later. Jerry and SkullB are lazing around, while Chernobog hovers behind them. Suddenly, his stomach grumbles.}

JERRY: Skully, make me a sandwich.

SKULLB: You make your own damn food!

JERRY: You don't even eat!

CHERNOBOG: The sin of sloth! Why, you two have one foot in the brimstone already!

JERRY: One foot in the brimstone? That doesn't even make sense!

CHERNOBOG: Do you really want to question a demon, of all people?

JERRY: You have a good point, my good man.

CHERNOBOG: That's right. Now, I'm off to go spy- I mean check on Casey. Ta-ta!

{Chernobog poofs away.}

JERRY: My God am I getting sick of this guy.

SKULLB: I know! It's like everywhere we go, he's there! Why can't we just live in peace without constant reminders of our own demise?

JERRY: Easy for you to say. You're the one who's not going to Hell.

SKULLB: That's right. You know, what we need is some help.

JERRY: Well, who would help us now? We're being harrassed by a demon of all things, there's nobody on Earth who could help!

{Pause.}

JERRY: Of course! Nobody on Earth!

SKULLB: Get your best praying hands out, my good man!

{Cut: a day later, in the Living Room. SkullB, Jerry and Casey are on the couch, watching TV. Chernobog is, as always, in the back of the room watching. Suddenly, the doorbell rings.}

JERRY: Oh, I'll get it!

{Jerry walks over to the door. He opens it.}

JERRY: Thanks for coming. He's right in here.

???: Good. I have been meaning to deal with him for a while.

{Jerry walks into the room. Seconds later, an angel walks in as well.}

'CHERNOBOG: Wh- gh- who invited you, wing-a-ling?

ANGEL: The man standing beside me.

JERRY: Aw, shucks! How flattering!

CHERNOBOG: Damnit, Raphael! Why you always gotta come ruin the party?

RAPHAEL: Well, Chernobog, I was brought here for a reason. Have I not told you many times before to stop "auditing" people? That is an unfair method of converting people to your side.

CHERNOBOG: What? The big man told me to do it!

RAPHAEL: Well, I shall have no more of this, Chernobog! To Hell with you!

{Raphael takes out a flaming sword and chops Chernobog in half with it.}

CHERNOBOG: My only regret is being cut in half by a flaming sword!

{Chernobog sinks into the ground and disappears in a burst of flame.}

JERRY: Thanks, Raphael!

RAPHAEL: It was nothing, my good men. May you continue to praise the Lord.

{Raphael disappears in a flash of light.}

SKULLB: ... What the hell was that?

CASEY: A miracle, that's what it was.

{Cut: later. Everyone is on the couch.}

JERRY: Well, it just goes to show you. A fear of Hell isn't a healthy fear at all!

CASEY: What we should be afraid of is being cleaved in half by flaming swords!

SKULLB: Now that's a healthy fear!

{Everyone laughs.}

JERRY: But seriously, what the hell just happened?

{Cue credits.}