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The Sixth Noelle

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Alternate scene of Wrong Turn At Nuke DLC, derived from the skull of a guy who's ABSOLUTELY BARBARIC


{Open to a scene of Noelle calling a first responder. It looks to be the tail end of a conversation that was hung up on.}

NOELLE: Note-to-self: change my cell provider.

{Cut to the exterior of the Green Grass Apartments. Noelle runs out of the front doors, and finds an ice cream truck parked in front of her. Sitting in the driver's seat is Garfield.}

GARFIELD: Climb aboard my magic carpet - Kaachako - and let us take a ride... to the oasis, of our lives.

{The ice cream truck honks.}

GARFIELD: Not that nickname either? I thought I had it there.

NOELLE: Didn't I beat you in a Battel Tournament once? Actually, nevermind.

{Noelle looks into the back of the ice cream truck. She hesitates.}

NOELLE: No, I am not going to step into a random stranger's ice-cream truck. Who are you?

GARFIELD: Noxigar Bellinski, at your service. I'm an associate of Chaos'.

{Noelle blinks.}

NOELLE: Do you always talk in riddles?

{As Noelle steps into the back, a bullet flies next to her head and hits the truck. She jumps in and slams the doors. More bullets hit as Lex looks out of his rearview mirror and sees two mafia cars approaching.}

GARFIELD: Welcome aboard the Kaachako-

{The ice cream truck honks.}

GARFIELD: Just run with it! Maybe next arc I'll get a good nickname for you.

{Garfield clears his throat, and puts his foot on the gas pedal.}

GARFIELD: The weather's a little stormy right now, so expect some turbulence as we reach our destination.

{Garfield drives off, with "Open Sesame" by Kool & The Gang playing on the radio. Zoom out, to show a car chase happening. The ice-cream truck follows the swarm in the air at full speed while completely disregarding the traffic. Following the truck are the two cars. Noelle crawls to the front of the truck.}

NOELLE: 'Mind explaining what the hell is going on right now?

GARFIELD: Car chase. Hey, while you're in the back, can you do me a solid?

{Garfield gestures, using his head, towards a bazooka in the back of the truck.}

GARFIELD: Press the Triangle Button to use the bazooka, and blow those mobsters to smithereens!

NOELLE: A bazooka?! What the hell?!

GARFIELD: It's a special item, following laws of cartoon physics.

NOELLE: Uh, sure. I guess we can see if your assessment is true...

{Noelle crawls back to the truck and picks the bazooka up. She opens the back doors and points it to the two cars.}

NOELLE: Here goes-

{Noelle closes her eyes and winces as she fires a rocket at the two cars, causing them to explode in a gigantic mushroom cloud. She throws the bazooka down and gasps.}

NOELLE: Oh my god, I killed them!

GARFIELD: Look again, and remember: Cartoon physics.

{Pan over to the two cars, which have been reduced to their frames. The occupants have turned black and ashy, and have smoke billowing them their hair. One of them shakes his head and blinks.}

GANGSTER: Ahhhh, phooey.

{Cut back to Noelle. She looks at the bazooka and finds that it's manufactured by the Acme Corporation. Garfield looks back.}

GARFIELD: Lex found that thing, whilst stranded in New Mexico. He said something about a Looney Tunes convention; I suspect it has something to do with Bugs Bunny fucking someone's wife.

{Noelle crawls back to the front and gets in the second seat.}

NOELLE: Thanks for picking me up. How did you know we were there?

GARFIELD: I've been trailing Chaos for exactly this kind of moment.

{Noelle's eyelids lower.}

NOELLE: Would you mind explaining what the hell is going on?

GARFIELD: It appears the Mafia got tangled up in something we did.

NOELLE: The Mafia?! What? I thought Felix was a-

{Noelle ponders for a moment, gazing out the window instead.}

NOELLE: ...actually, I don't think he told me his occupation. What even happened?

GARFIELD: I found out D'Arque was abusing someone I loved very dearly, and we decided "let's get a Heist going on him because he sucks." Probably not the best choice, seeing as the Mafia were set on us.

{Noelle's expression indicates she is awestruck.}

NOELLE: That was you guys?

{After a while, her expression normalizes. Her eyes show concern on her face.}

NOELLE: You know I work for the city government, right?

GARFIELD: I heard about that. Chaos is going to be furious, I think.

NOELLE: Why would you tell me that?!

GARFIELD: I thought it might rouse your spirits up to whip Chaos into shape. Lord knows I've been trying to, but I'm not his type. What did you expect?

NOELLE: I didn't expect you to confess to a felony.

GARFIELD: Chaos voted to have us keep quiet in front of you about it. Given that was a stupid-ass decision, I elected to ignore it.

NOELLE: How is that helpful in any way?!

GARFIELD: I felt it would bring you up to speed. There's this musical I watched recently, where there's a guy who steals a loaf of bread and tries to hide his past from a girl he cares about. It winds up blowing up in his face, the moment someone he knows uses it against him. I didn't want you guys to turn out like that musical, since that would mean you'd both die. Plus, I figured it'd be less melodrama between the two of you.

{Noelle pauses.}

NOELLE: I appreciate that you've cleared the air. That D'Arque guy is a prick, anyway.

GARFIELD: Alright, let's do this!

{Zoom out to show the truck moving out of Downtownindale. End of alternate scene.}