The Bastard Goes to the Movies/santaclausandicecreambunny

Christmas is here once again, so I'm now gonna shine a rotten fruitcake. The year was 1971, and that was the time when Santa Claus met the Ice Cream Bunny. I really feel bad right now. I just feel like I'm about to vomit.

Because if there is one thing A Nightmare Before Christmas taught us, it's the fact that crossovers with Christmas and other Holidays might be a little tricky. Case in point, the Easter Bunny. Okay, technically, he's not the Easter Bunny, it's the "Ice Cream" Bunny. But hey, let's give this turd to Krampus while we're at it; and yes, Krampus is my Jewish next door neighbor. But anyway, let's begin this shite.

The film opens with elves wrapping presents for the Santa to deliver for the kids, and OH MY COFFEE-DRINKING GOD, is this amateurish! But hey, if Manos: Hands of Fate could get away with, it's the thought of having the lowest budget ever possible. Just have annoying kids play the elves, and have Santa being portrayed by a fat pedophile, who looks like the Holiday precursor to Jerry Sandusky. So Santa flies to send everyone the gifts, only to the be stuck in a Florida beach. He cries so much, that a gathering of reindeers ran away. Well, what luck. The reindeers didn't want to be part of this trainwreck. So Santa cries even more, and- wait. What the fuck? Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn? Well, I did research, and it turned out that the same guy who did this movie, was originally shooting a Tom Sawyer movie. However, he decided to scrap that for this instead, for some odd reason. Hell, it looks like Huck is torturing the raccoon. Goddamnit! Now back to Cool Cat playing Santa.

I should mention that the pacing is slow. Not because the movie moves slower in terms of the plot, but it has a plothole, where kids place random animals to ride Santa's sleigh. Trust me, if there was a sequel for a Jewish audience, it'll probably be the Ice Cream Bunny Becomes a Rabbi. Speaking of, the kids call out the Ice Cream Bunny, which they could've done it earlier, but no, the plot has to move slow, so here we are. And the Ice Cream Bunny takes Santa. This is why Christmas is a shitty holiday!

So the kids dick around in the sleigh, only to have it disappear. Oh, and an added bonus, here's a Thumbelina movie. No, I'm not touching that one, but all you need to know is that these two movies were double billings to promote the Florida theme park, Pirate World, which has been closed down. Mainly it's because kids were molested in the theme park.

But what can I say, Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny is a movie for everyone. And when I mean by that, I mean it's a movie for everyone that should avoid. This is basically Cool Cat and Oogieloves of the Holiday season. Show this to your kids for Christmas, and they'll have nightmares. Unless, if you want to show this during Halloween, this could be the perfect horror movie for everyone.

Now if you'll excuse me, Krampus wanted his kosher cookies awhile ago before Hannukah started. Maybe then, I'll take him to Pirate World, just to have an orgy.

JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM YOURS TRULY!

SANTA CLAUS AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY IS OWNED BY... I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT