The Bastard Goes to the Movies/Normofthenorth

I know Rob Schneider trailer jokes are so easy, and they've been done to death, but fuck it! Rob Schneider was working with Adam Sandler, until he realised that he was doing voiceovers for animated kids films like the unreleased Dino Time, so he couldn't reprise his role for Grown Ups 2. Only this time, he's trapped... in a body of a polar bear... in New York City! This Winter, Rob Schneider is... a Polar Bear! Rated PG-13!

Dear God, what have I done?

So yeah, apparently, this animated movie exists. Why? Because Lionsgate was so desperate enough for some ideas of an animated family movie, just to cash in with DreamWorks, Disney, and Pixar; and lo and behold, Norm of the North. Because... well, why the fuck not? Truth be told, I've not paid money to see this in theatres. The only way I was gonna see it was for me to bitTorrent it. As I watched this movie, I tried to type notes on what was wrong with it. I honestly did. But almost an hour in, I just typed in giant Comic Sans font, "FUCK EVERYTHING!" I unsaved everything, and suffered what seemed to be a six-and-a-half hour marathon of a severe depression.

Yes, I am well aware that this is still in theatres (at least as I'm writing this, on February 7, 2016), but who wants to see this. Kids are not gonna see this. And to parents, and even adults that are gonna bitch and raid at me because, "it's just a kids movie," NO! That a lazy way to defend this movie. Find a list of better kids movies out there, like The Secret of NIMH, Inside Out, Finidng Nemo, the list goes on.

The movie starts in the arctic, where Norm is dicking around, eating seals. And then, we see some Pussies. I know, they're called Lemmings, but I'm calling them Pussies, because they act like fucking pussies. They just dick around like many Pussies do. Get it? Because... nevermind.

Then, there's this boat full of tourists, and these humans, I swear to FUCKING GOD, they are braindead as shit! They think that this polar bear is actually a man in a goddamn costume, and the most depressing part... it's the running theme of the goddamn movie! Who wrote this?! Square Enix?!

{snippet of X-Files theme song plays}

Oh. What has science done.

FUCK THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE!!!

So, the next scene, Norm, the seals, and the fucking Le-PUSSIES, go to New York City, and the fashion show designer, the main villain looks at this polar bear, and thinks that he is a cool human in a polar bear costume! What the flying fuck is this shit?!

Then it goes its environmental message to save the world, and the Le-PUSSIES do what the hideous Minions do... dick around. And the film consists of polar bear twerking, like this is like if executives at Lionsgate thought, "You know what, kids like Taylor Swift twerking from 'Bad Blood' or 'Shake it Off' or some shit like that, and they like some Neon Genesis Evangelion subplots. Ooh, and they like Minions, and shitposting. And fucking magnets, how do they work?! Yeah! Bravo Nolan, I love you! This is podracing! Let's put those into an animated feature film. That would make money! Holy shit!"

Jesus, the writing and plot is terrible! And every and joke is bad. Like, the running gag is that humans are morons! Like, are kids gonna believe that?! Normally, the Cars movies aren't that ridiculous!

And the animation... where do I begin?! This was done by Splash, the same company that brought us the direct-to-video Alpha and Omega sequels, and the animated Bratz movies. These numbnuts and Lionsgate agreed to make this. Okay Splash, are you even trying to make anything redeemable! The animation is shit. I mean, it's better than the stuff from Video Brinquedo, especially Ratatoing- actually, fuck that. I'm no longer saying, "Well, at least Norm of the North has better animation than that," because that's too generous. Fuck, even college animated shorts are better than this. Hell, the 2003 animated short film that I despise, Loco Melones, looks and sounds like Judas Priest's Painkiller by comparison! Like, the animation goes all over the place, from one to another. Then, the butt twerking- oh dear god! Then, there's camera angles! Everything about the animation is a goddamn trainwreck, especially for a film released in theatres!

{sigh} I can't believe it. This might be one of the worst animated movies I've seen... ever! I know I've said it in a lot of films, but this was... my god. I felt sick. Foodfight was at least watchable compared to this. I can't believe I'm saying this.

Was there anything positive I can say about this movie? Well I will say, the background desgins were pretty decent, and they provided some good texture. And the voice acting, even though it's been auto-tuned, and even if the characters are one-dimensional as shit, at least they tried, despite reading a script so abysmal, even as a kids' movie.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be resting in the snow, waiting for the cold to get me.

JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!

NORM OF THE NORTH IS OWNED BY LIONSGATE