The Bastard Goes to the Movies/Jasonx

In honor of Halloween coming up this year, I'd figure we dive right into the jugular. Get it? Huh? huh? Well fuck you. Anyway, let's go to Jason X. We all know Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th, the most famous, but in my opinion, cliche'd horror characters of all time. But that's why we love him, he's psychopathic and he butchers people with a machete. In 2002, a 10th Friday the 13th movie was released, but THEY'RE IN SPACE?! Jason X was born, 10 years after the last Friday the 13th movie. Whoopee-fucking-doo.

Anyway, we begin this nightmare in Crystal Lake Research center in the near future. I really don't get why it's no longer a camp site. Do they actually explain it at all? Jason Voorhees, the killer of the film franchise, is... guess. No really, guess! Give up? Okay. AWAITING CRYOGENIC SUSPENSION! Look's like someone's made of ice cream! Yeah, that's too easy of a fucking joke. Anyway, Jason kills everybody by doing the old escaping like Houdini. Then, the bitch scientist comes and says, "WHAT HAPPENED?" and then, the guy who is David Cronenberg, if he was Lewis Black's lovechild, said, "I'm sorry." What kind of writers would say something like that? Also, I'm aware that the heroine has a name, but the bitch is just a horrible actress as Kristen Stewart and Natalie Portman combined. Yeah, I'll get Portman someday.

Now, wait for it, he does a teleportation trick, thus she runs down in the basement, little did she know that she is smart, and Jason is now frozen again. But her crotch gets stabbed. Stabbed like a- hmm... No. I have no idea what to joke there. Sorry. Then, we cut to 2455, where these guys that look like rejected character animation from the 2009 animated film, 9, look for the corpse of Jason. And yes, it's a high school field trip, of some sorts.

Now the students unfreeze the girl from the earlier scene, as we get to see the kids unfreezing Jason. Speaking of the devil, we hear the kids having sex where he drives himself crazy, which is normal for any Friday the 13th movie, as we see Jason, drown the scientist girl's face, leaving her frozen. Stay cool. Yeah, another easy joke to make. Go ahead and hiss at me. whatever.

After that scene, we see the bitch heroine talk about the past Friday the 13th movies. Never did anyone ask, however, what the people did with Jason. We then see the people in the same ship in military form, going to a badly computer-animated hologram game when all of a sudden, Jason interrupts it and kills the same person he killed earlier in the film. Unrecognizable in the family, i see? Also, the killing is uninspired. Same with some other stupid movies from that guy.

As Jason sneaks in and tries to kill off a scientist, he gets shot by the military. Until... Jason throws the guy into the ground. Yep, this is sad. Now the other military person shot Jason, but he gets resurrected. Seriously, did i just see the second coming of Jason? But in all seriousness, this is why the movie's death sequences are uninspired. So now, the soldiers are dead as we see Jason killing the captain of the ship, and we crash into the building. And I mean the whole goddamn building. That's where the budget went through instead of the people starving all over the world and have no homes. Also, if this was the case, how come nobody was killed. If that was so, then the body count was cranked to 11...MILLION!

Then, Jason comes in and kills the turdy person, only with a cutaway. Now, it's up to the lady to kill Jason, with more fake deaths. So everyone is saved, people get resurrected, and then... Jason turns into... SUPER-MECHA-ULTRA-LICIOUS-SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS-UBER JASON! OH NOES! Uber Jason, which is called in the credits, mind you, goes out on a rampage, and rips the ceiling from the ship. "This sucks on so many levels," said the bitch. But hey, the late-great Roger Ebert said it best in his review of that movie.

How are they gonna solve this problem? Well, they lock the door, and it's up to them to unlock it. Jason's past has a diversion, which turns into a hologram of Crystal Lake, and believe it or not, this is actually the best part of the movie, in my humble opinion. Then, we see holographic college girls wanting sex, or pot, or beer. They then got killed, as the two heroes manage to open the door and escape the pod to earth. Meanwhile, Jason surfs into the same planet. And the guys already landed on Earth while Jason take too much time. Why, because FUCK YOU! That's why. But thankfully, the movie is over.

Now, what I think about it, it was a Plan 9/The Room of the series. I'm serious, as much as I like so-bad-its-good movies, this is one of them, because it has no logic, and it just... WHO CARES! I mean, concept wise, it was good, seeing is how New Line Cinema, the studio behind this wanted to make this movie to keep the franchise alive since Freddy vs. Jason was moving slow up until next year.

I know people complain that it's the worst out of the franchise, but trust me, the remake... oh boy!

JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!

HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN!

JASON X IS OWNED BY NEW LINE CINEMA/WARNER BROS.