The Bastard Goes to the Movies/Dunstonchecksin

Ooh yeah! Suicide Squad just came and went, which means I have a pirated copy of the movie I recorded with my iPhone, where I reviewed the movie while watching in the theater. Am I hardcore yet, guys? I have it uploaded on YouTube, let's watch my pirated review of Suici-

This video has been removed due to a copyright claim of Warner Bros. #LOLFUCKFAIRUSE.

Goddamnit! Now what am I supposed to do for this review?! Oh well, I just go to Netflix or some shit like that. iunno. {goes to Netflix} Wait, what the hell is this. Dunston Checks In? Oh, wait... {menacing music plays} DICKS OUT FOR DUNS-

Well, Dunston Checks In is a 1996 kids film about a gorilla warfare "gorilla" who makes wacky hijinks in the hotel. It was directed by Ken Kwapis, who directed Sesame Street's Follow that Bird so at least he directed something good, but then again... he directed Big Miracle and License to Wed. I quit. Fuck you.

So let's watch Harambe Checks In, and see what we got.

We open up with people doing wacky hijinks. Then, a zookeeper bring in Dunston Bieber. Never say never, zookeeper. You should've been a mall cop and done internet memes, Kevin James. But you're not Kevin James. y u do dis, reddit? a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a

So Dunston watches Charleton Heston's pre-remake of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, get it? Cause this is the original, and not a reboot or a remake of the origin- BOO! This remake of Ben-Hur was not a box office bomb. Those tabloid bastards lied to us like they always do!

So the whole point of the movie is hijinks. And Faye Dunnaway.

I don't like this movie. There's no plot. There's no joke to take the piss out of. Whenever you have a joke, you have to make a clever punchline, and this movie doesn't have any punchlines. It's just pointless filler, bore, and shit.

But Dunston lived a good life. *sniff sniff* So did Gene Wilder... and Prince... and Lemmy... and David Bowie... and Frank Sinatra Jr.... and Glenn Frey... and Abe Vigoda... and Alan Rickman... and Harambe... and now... Dunston...

JOIN ME IN THE *SNIFF, SNIFF* NEXT REVIEW

IN MEMORY OF DUNSTON

RIP IN PIECES

420-1996

DUNSTON CHECKS IN IS OWNED BY 20TH CENTURY FOX