The Bastard Goes to the Movies/Christmasstory2

Why hi. Today, I have special, timeless classic question after watching this movie. Ready? here we go.

WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS?! WHO IN GOD'S NAME THINK THAT THIS SUCCESSOR TO A MONUMENTAL CLASSIC CHRISTMAS MOVIE IS A FUCKING GREAT IDEA?!? SOME JERK OFF MONKEY THAT THOUGHT THIS DIRECT-TO-DVD-AND-BLU-RAY SEQUEL WAS A GOOD IDEA MUST BE STABBED WITH A FUCKING STAPLER!!!

I'm sorry for screaming, but let me say, A Christmas Story is the best Christmas classic film I ever seen, and yeah, I'm aware that there other Christmas movies better than this, but this one makes me smile more than anything. it's a film that centers around Ralphie who wants a toy Red Rider BB gun for Christmas, and the people in the world are holding his chest for him to get it. May be simple, but at least the execution is just magical, lovable, and amazing! But here, three decades later, some slacker at Warner Bros. said... "Hey. Let's make a sequel to a classic Christmas movie from the 1980s to piss people off." And it just fucking did!

The plot involves Ralphie, now a teenager, and he wants to get a new car. Yeah, I stopped midway through that because of how retarded it is, I mean, a car is not really a special gift! Just to remind people. But, fuck, i'll keep going. He needs to get a job at a Christmas shop to wrap presents, but at the same time, he screws all of that up, and yes, it's as stupid as it gets. Meanwhile, and get this, Ralphie's dad goes, guess. That's right. Ice fishing. Yay! That's a fucking Christmas movie, right?

The plot is just a rehash, and i'll explain why. Same jokes? Check. Same sounding narration (even though it's a different person, but whatever)? Check. Same trouble he gets? Check. Same dream sequences. Check on that part! But here's the thing, unlike the predecessor, where you feel like you want to be a little kid during Christmas time, this feels like you wasted all your money and Warner Bros. is spending it on either drugs, alcohol, etc. And besides, if you're a teen, you don't feel like Christmas. In fact, Ralphie as a teen is just uninspiring and uninteresting.

Now if A Christmas Story had a sequel where maybe Ralphie gets married and has kids, and he tells what his Christmas was like, then it could be better. But nope, instead of Warner Bros. thinking about the homeless, they just spend money on a sequel.

And remember when I said same day-dream sequences? Well, they are in it, and they're not as remarkable as the first. The first had outstanding dream sequences. Like for example... Ralphie has a kid-friendly expectation of himself, yet most of that doesn't have to do with the realism of the world. Teenagers don't have the same spirit as kids. And that's why nothing happens in this movie.

One other problem i have is the casting. They all suck! I mean, the actor who played teen Ralphie looks like the one from the original, but his acting is just off-character. Daniel Stern as the father is just horrible. Everyone else sucks and I wish there was actual effort from the actors, and even actual effort in the fucking story!

And then, there's the time period. I thought this was a film taking place in today's society, and then, it goes to the '50s, and then I ask, "Writers, can you make up your fucking minds?" If you watch the first film, you will not question the time period this film was, and yet, the film is like a period piece and it makes it good, since it only takes place in the early '40s.

But the most extremely major problem with the feature is why the film existed in the first motherfucking place! It just never works. You can't go ahead and make a sequel to a Christmas classic made a LONG time ago. And you can't do it to classics at all. Hey! Guess what? How about a sequel to White Christmas with will.i.am and Martin Lawrence. Or hell, even make a sequel to Casablanca with Adam Sandler, Mark Wahlberg, and Jennifer Garner. Or here's a good one, STOP! MAKING! THEM! Warner Bros., you just did it because you wanna make a quick buck for a DVD release and put it in sales so people will be suckered in to see it.

I'm sorry if I was only ranting then reviewing, but damnit! This movie was just suffering. It is by far the worst Christmas movie ever made! Even more than Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights. And even more than The Star Wars Holiday Special. That's all.

JOIN ME IN MY NEXT REVIEW!!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A CHRISTMAS STORY 2 IS OWNED BY WARNER BROS.