The Bastard Goes to the Movies/Catinthehat

Dr. Seuss. Great author. His live-action movie adaptations suck. Let's move forward.

I am big on Dr. Seuss when I was a little, and I, as of today, appreciate the books for their morals, nutjob writing, and well, books that are for good fun. These books were like the bible to me. I would read them constantly, day after day, and would never get tired of them, as well as worshiping them. Green Eggs and Ham is another awesome book from him. But then came the 2003 movie that is the polar opposite of the original Cat in the Hat book by Dr. Seuss.

Now, everyone knows that this movie was a huge failure in Dr. Seuss's legacy. And you know what, people weren't kidding. I'm gonna try to sum up the plot the best I can, because it's just all over the place. I mean, everyone knows it's bad. Fuck me, I even know it's bad. So let's take a yonder.

The film is about a lady raising two kids. She gets a Asian stereotypical lady to babysit the kids, as she leaves the house. But then, on a rainy day, Mike Myers as the Cat in the Hat comes in, and with the most disturbing face possible when comparing it to Jim Carrey as the Grinch. Seriously, he looks creepy. Get that shit away from me! In this movie, they have fun, but with minus the great moral we all know and love from the original book. Oh, and Paris Hilton.

Why the hell is Paris Hilton in this movie? That raises the question.

The problem I have with this movie is that it makes no sense. You see, the original book and its animated TV special from the '70s worked because they were short, and they felt like you were with the cat having fun when your parents are away. And there is a good moral to both of these. When your parents leave, you can do something fun; just remember that you don't want to leave the mess dirty when they come back. In other words, don't get bored easily.

The movie is completely butchered, right from the word go. Sure, there are some special effects that are pretty good for the time, but then there's unfunny jokes, some of which are basically stereotypical jokes, and some of which are out-of-place jokes, and some of which are inappropriate jokes, some of which are unnecessary jokes, some of which are uncomfortable jokes, some of which are jokes that make no sense... and you get the idea. There's also the makeup! Thing 1 and 2 look okay, but Mike Myers as the Cat in the Hat looks fugly, as well as scary. Jim Carrey may not be a good Grinch, and it's justified, but the makeup looked like the Grinch, hench his menacing, but funny look, his animated movement, and yes, even how he plays as the Grinch. Mike Myers looks scary! He's not animated, and he comes out just making kids cry. Also, Tim Allen was originally supposed to play as the title character, but he had a busy schedule. I wonder why.

The movie even has a story that doesn't end. At one point, the mother is fearing to lose the job, the next minute, there is a party, the next minute, the cat comes in to have fun, the next minute, people are watching the kids, the next minute, the dog is missing, the next minute, there is a ride in the house, plus a worthless product placement for Universal Studios theme parks, the next minute- knock it off, stick to the main plot! And that, my friends, is why this movie makes no sense, and why this movie sucks. I know this movie has been reviewed to death, but I gotta get this out of my chest. The end.

JOIN ME IN MY NEXT REVIEW!

THE CAT IN THE HAT IS OWNED BY UNIVERSAL PICTURES.