Skullbuggy's Completely and Totally Honest Video Game Reviews (Among Other Things)/misc2

Overview

Other Things Review #2: A Ketchup Sandwich

What will happen to our reviewer as he threatens his life with what could be a deadly sandwich?

Transcript

Wipe off your feet and come on in, it's

SKULLBUGGY'S COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY HONEST VIDEO GAME REVIEWS (AMONG OTHER THINGS)

I'm Skully B., and tonight I'll be eating a ketchup sandwich.

What possessed me to do this? I wondered as the sandwich in question gazed at me from atop my monitor. Why, oh why did I think this was a good idea? I ask as the smell of whole wheat and ketchup wafts toward me. The sickly-sweet smell of the ketchup permeates everything around it, and my mouth starts to dry up in grim anticipation.

Before I do this, however, I look back on my life. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Sure, I kicked Ryan in the shin that one time in middle school, but I didn't kick him that hard! Oh, God... my life flashes before my eyes... and I swear I heard that sandwich laugh at me. Damn you, sandwich.

I start to feel slightly ill... perhaps I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe creating this review show was the point where my life spiraled out of control, maybe it was coming on the internet... maybe it was my birth. Maybe I was destined to cross swords with this sandwich... am I to best it, or am I to fall before it?

Eventually, I come to my senses. What am I afraid of? This is a sandwich, and I am a man! I should be eating this thing, not fearing it! I am Skullbuggy, hear me roar!

And then I take a bite.

I think I know what it's like to die a bit inside. As I take the first--and last--bite, my eyes tear up. My gag reflex instictively kicks in, causing me to forcefully spit out the vile piece of bread and condiment polluting my mouth. I look for the nearest thing to get the horrible taste out--the Jell-O from earlier worked just fine. I look back at the sandwich--its bitemark making it appear to have a bit of a grin. A malicious grin.

I drop it in the toilet and curse its name. Then, with every ounce of hatred in my body, I flush the toilet as hard as I ever had in sheer contempt for this horrible amalgamation of bread and tomato. I walk back to the computer and finish typing the review... but something tells me I may face this foe one more time.

Ketchup sandwiches have ruined my life.