Samtheman.egg/long john sam

Summary

Sam The Man becomes a pirate and assembles his own crew and battles Captain Scumbeard.

Cast (In order of Appearance): Sam The Man, Blue Cheat, Serious Bad, Kendall, Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Captain Scumbeard, Dark, Joe the Foe

Places: Sam The Man's Room, Wayward Hill, Downtown FCUSA Streets

Computer: Runner 750

Transcript

{Cut to Sam The Man sitting at his computer}

SAM THE MAN: Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of emails! And away we go!

loot

Arrggg!
Ima pirate! And I'll steel your loot
unless you join my crew for a day!
from
Scum-beard The Pirate

{Reads "Arrggg" as "Yeah Whatever"}

SAM THE MAN: What? Captain Scumbeard is back? I thought he went to jail for stealing loot from people? Oh well, time to assemble my own crew. I will never join his crew. With the way he doesn't give you Health Care, who would anyway?

{Cut to Wayward Hill. Sam The Man wearing a Captain's Hat and Blue Cheat, Serious Bad, Kendall, Strong Bad, and Homestar Runner are standing}

STRONG BAD: So why are we here?

SAM THE MAN: We are here so that we can take down Captain Scumbeard and steal his loot this time.

SERIOUS BAD: But why?

SAM THE MAN: I just told you. Weren't you paying attention?

{Serious Bad is reading a magazine}

SERIOUS BAD: You were saying?

BLUE CHEAT: Serious Bad pay attention. So anyways, where will we strike.

SAM THE MAN: Good question. Kendall, where we will we strike?

{Kendall holds out a map}

KENDALL: Scumbeard drives through Main St. each day. We'll hit him there tomorrow.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Where's Main St?

SAM THE MAN: It doesn't matter where it is, just get in the car. I'm driving the-

{Cut to a regular car}

SAM THE MAN: -Pirate Ship 2008

STRONG BAD: What a piece of junk.

SAM THE MAN: {sarcastic} Thank you. That was my brother's. He died tragically. How do you feel now?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Show the man some respect Stro Bro.

BLUE CHEAT: JUST GET IN NOW AND DRIVE AROUND UNTIL TOMORROW! I'LL BUY FOOD!

SAM THE MAN: Fine Blue Cheat. Can we go to Arbie's?

BLUE CHEAT: Not with there over-priced sandwiches. {faces the screen} Huh? Huh? Naw there not listening.

{Cut to Captain Scumbeard with his crew consisting of Dark and Joe the Foe in his car driving}

CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Dear me. It's almost 3:00. I better get this shipment of sugar, candy and jewels to the docks before 3.

{Sam The Man's crew lazily enters in their car behind Captain Scumbeard's car}

JOE THE FOE: That car behind us is coming close awfully fast. But at least it's flying the US Flag.

{Cut to the flag change from a US flag to a Pirate flag. Cut back to Captain Scumbeard}

CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Oh No! It's Sam The Man and his crew. No doubt he's after my sugar, candy and jewels. Well Ryan Ryu won't make a fool out of himself this time!

{Sam The Man's car drives next to Captain Scumbeard's and they engage in a sword fight}

SAM THE MAN: You have no chance Scumbeard.

CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: You have no chance like the Patriots did when the Giants beat them in the Super Bowl.

SAM THE MAN: What?

CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Oh, got a little ahead of myself didn't I? Now, prepare to die!

SAM THE MAN: Not if I have anything to do with it! LOWER THE CANON!

{Kendall and Serious Bad lower what appears to be a canon. Dark and Joe the Foe do the same thing to their car}

SAM THE MAN: FIRE THE CANON!

KENDALL: What? I didn't understand you.

SAM THE MAN: I said "Fire the canon" but I said it pirate like. You know, this is pirate like.

SERIOUS BAD: Whatever. Fire away!

{Blue Cheat lights the canon while Dark lights their canon}

DARK: Arrggghhh! You're going down matey!

{Both canons fire and both take damage. Scumbeard's canon fires again and Sam The Man's car spins out and looses it's roof. Sam The Man's canon fires again and Scumbeard's car spins out of control and too loses it's roof}

SAM THE MAN: I'm going over. Blue Cheat drive.

{Blue Cheat takes control of the wheel and Sam The Man jumps over to Scumbeard's car. He pushes Joe the Foe and Dark out. Both do 6 flips then land}

JOE THE FOE: Ohhhhh, I feel weak.

DARK: Then take one of THEESE!

{Dark hands Joe the Foe a container of "Dark Pills: The crazy solution for your problems". Cut back to Sam The Man and Scumbeard engaging in a sword fight}

CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Just give up now. If you do we'll split the loot.

KENDALL: Sir Man, we've got trouble.

{Sam The Man's car accidentally runs into a telephone pole, and a worker falls of}

WORKER: If I had finished collage I wouldn't be in these messes.

{Cut back to Sam The Man's car. The telephone attaches itself to the car. Now the car passes a banner, and the banner sticks the telephone poll. The car resembles a pirate ship now}

SAM THE MAN: Hey what do you know, now I can do THIS!

{Sam The Man motions for Serious Bad to jump over to. Serious Bad jumps over to Scumbeard's car. Sam and Scumbeard then engage into a long conversation (which we can't hear). Cut to a closeup of Sam and Scumbeard talking and Serious Bad finishes up gathering the loot}

SAM THE MAN: So I never really know that penguins didn't have knees?

CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Yeah I know. I didn't find this out until like yesterday when I looked it up.

SAM THE MAN: Well, all you need to do is look at my new book, which is coming out in a future {faces the crowd} email. {faces Scumbeard}.

{Serious Bad jumps back to Sam The Man's car with the loot}

SERIOUS BAD: All clear Man.

{Sam The Man jumps back to his car}

SAM THE MAN: By the way Scumbeard, I disabled your brakes when i said I dropped my M&Ms. And you are going off a ledge. Bye now.

{Scumbeard looks back at the road and screams. He drives off the ledge and into a river}

BLUE CHEAT: Well down Sam and the Gang!

KENDALL: Sam and the Gang? No no no! Kendall's Gang including Serious Bad is better!

SERIOUS BAD: I cast my vote for the 'Lil Crime Finding and Bustin' Gang!

{Everyone looks angry}

SAM THE MAN: Go wait in the car.

{Serious Bad grudgingly walks over to the car. The paper comes down}

Fun Facts

• This episode is similar to the one episode of Family Guy's Long John Peter.