Samiyaza Paranormal Investigation Agency/3

SUMMARY: IN SOVIET RUSSIA, STELLIN KILL YOU. Well, he does it everywhere, actually.

Transcript

{HOLY FUCK A WEREWOLF IS ON TOP OF RAIKU. Yes, we're just cutting to the action, aren't we? On a farm somewhere in California where I don't know because I don't know many farms, Raiku is being pinned to the ground by a massive, hungry werewolf. His revolver is inches away from his hand, but he cannot reach it. HE WILL DI- oh wait, here comes Raggon with a shotgun.}

RAGGON: WHAT THE FUCK DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

RAIKU: JUST GET 'ER OFF ME, YOU GOT THE SILVER BULLETS?

RAGGON: FIRING THEM NOW!

{Raggon fires two rounds into the werewolf,, knocking it back, in serious condition. Raiku pours a small vial in the wound, tranquilizing it. Raiku places a net over it, tossing it into the back of Raggon's truck. Raggon drives with Raiku in shotgun, and Raggonix, who suddenly shows up having been in the truck, in the back watching the werewolf, who has reverted into an unconscious man.}

RAIKU: Okay, let's dump this guy over the border and be on our way.

{As they drive through the countryside OF CALIFORNIA, a metal object lies in the road. Raggon hits it, and suddenly, a large steel blade flies up, narrowly dividing between them. A man forms out of the blade, jumping on top of the now split truck.}

???: {Russian accent} Hello, motherfuckers.

RAGGON: The fu-

RAIKU: Holy fucking satan it's Stellin.

{Stellin looks like YOUNG STALIN BECAUSE I CAN}

STELLIN: Da. Nice to see you, Samiyaza.

RAGGON: Wait, you know this guy?

RAIKU: We were friends, about, four, five decades ago?

RAGGON: Hu- oh. OH. Why the fuck does a demon have a Russian accent?

RAIKU: Beats me, but the thing i-

STELLIN: Less chitchat, more death.

{Stellin's arm forms into a long steel blade, as he swipes towards Raiku. Raiku narrowly dodges out of the truck, missing the blade. Raggon grabs the shotgun and begins firing at Stellin, but he deflects the shots by turning his arm into a steel shield.}

RAIKU: Normal tactics won't work on him!

RAGGON: Then it's time. TO HEAT THINGS UP.

{YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Raggon's hands set ablaze like some anime, as he begins projecting fire at Stellin. Stellin leaps off the truck, landing next to Raiku.}

RAIKU: Fuck.

STELLIN: Don't worry, will be nice and painle-

{Raggonix walks up next to Stellin, grabs his metal arm, and electrocutes it, sending massive pain.}

STELLIN: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH FUCKZSGADGSDGSDHSGDAGFDZ.

{Stellin's body begins to morph in and out of liquid form, as he spins around, smashing a steel hammer arm into Raggonix, knocking him back, unconscious. Raggon charges forward with a flaming punch, but Stellin dodges, knocking him out using CQC. He approaches Raiku.}

STELLIN: This is the end. Goodbye, Samiyaza.

{He places a blade to Raiku's neck, but Raiku smiles.}

RAIKU: Tsk, tsk. Forgot someone.

STELLIN: Huh?

{By now, the lycan, still in man form, has woken up, and smashes Stellin's head in with a board from the back of the truck. While Stellin is barely injured, Raiku uses this time to grab his arm and move the blade away from him, allowing him to escape. Stellin proceeds to decapitate the Lycanthrope, as Raiku's running towards the glove department, pulling something out.}

STELLIN: You're a tricky one, Samiyaza. But it'll all be over soon.

RAIKU: I don't think so. TAZER.

STELLIN: Wha-

{Raiku pulls out the emergency tazer, tazing Stellin, with the electricity conducting through his metal. He keeps tazing Stellin until Stellin falls onto the floor, limp. With the tazer in one hand, Raiku checks Stellin's vitals.}

RAIKU: Still al-

{Stellin grabs the hand with the tazer, disarming Raiku. He proceeds to twist Raiku's hand, but Raiku pulls him back with him, grabbing him in a choke hold. They begin brawling, using various CQC tactics.}

STELLIN: I see you're still using military tactics.

RAIKU: And I see you're still a dickface.

{Raiku twists Stellin's arm backwards, kneeing him in the stomach. He leaps onto his his hands backwards, and kicks him with both legs. Stellin flies backwards, truly unconscious. Raiku checks his vitals again, carefully, before grabbing Raggon and Raggonix and putting them in the truck.}

RAIKU: Shit..I don't drive stick..uh..it's like a video game, right?

{Three tickets later, they're all home, safely. Raggon and Raggonix are playing video games, while Raiku looks through a shoebox. Raggon comes up to Raiku.}

RAGGON: What are you looking at, Rai?

RAIKU: Nothing.

{Raggon shrugs, and heads back to the game. The overarching camera zooms in on a photo Raiku is holding, of him, Stellin, and three other unidentified people.}

RAIKU: It can't be...he's dead. They're all dead.

Fin.