(even if you aren't vegan)
SKULLB AND CHWOKS IN: MESSIN WIT TYME
{open up to an exposed lightswitch. Chwoka's hand slaps a 2-faceted cover down.}
Chwoka
{Chwoka pops a few screws in, as the camera slowly zooms out}
Skullbuggy and Chwoka
{Chwoka, now fully on-screen, clothed in handyman attire, drills in the screw.}
{Chwoka begins to take off his handyman attire}
{SkullB hops in}
CHWOKA: WAUGH!
SKULLB: Hello, sir. What're you doing all up in hurr?
CHWOKA: How did you get into my house? More importantly, why?
SKULLB: I heard the sound of screwdrivers. It's irritating and I'm going to ask you to stop.
CHWOKA: I was using a drill...
an Osmosys Productions effort
{Cut to outside SkullB's house. Cut closer in to Jerry and SkullB at a car window at the driveway, as Casey pulls out of the driveway.}
CASEY: Bye, guys!
JERRY: See you, Casey!
{The car leaves.}
SKULLB: ... So she's gone. What do we do?
JERRY: How about we let out all that pent-up wacky?
SKULLB: ... Yes.
{Cut to the Living Room. Jerry and SkullB are playing air guitar in their underwear.}
JERRY: JUST TAKE THOSE OLD RECORDS OFF THE SHELF
SKULLB: I wasn't even aware I could wear clothes.
JERRY: Ah... but seriously, there's nothing to do.
{Jerry quickly puts some pants on.}
JERRY: If only we could do something interesting for once.
SKULLB: You mean like what we do every other week?
JERRY: ... Sh-shut up.
{Just then, somebody knocks on the door.}
CHWOKA: {nasally voice} Land Shark!
SKULLB: ... Who is that?
JERRY: Let me check...
{Jerry puts on his trademark hoodie and opens the door.}
JERRY: ... Chwoka! It's been a long time!
SKULLB: ... Who is that?
CHWOKA: Thanks Skully, for that great opportunity to help explain the timeline which has been unknown to the viewers!
{Chwoka steps forward, to the screen}
CHWOKA: You see, as a part-time job I took up desk-clerkitude at {Words appear to the left of his head reading "Skull Industries", which he gestures to} Skull Industries.
JERRY: Uh, when did he learn how to do that?
CHWOKA: As longtime viewers know, this is where Skullbuggy was made. {draws Skullbuggy on the screen.} However, at the last minute before incineration, I saved him and got fired for it. {erases "Skull Industries" with his hand} By now, I was out of college and needed another job, so I took one at a theater where they made me and him read bad fanfic.
SKULLB: I don't remember this at all...
CHWOKA: When we escaped, he was broken, with amnesia over my existence. {draws Question mark over SkullB's head} I left him there at the mechanics, heartbroken, where Jerry found him. And now... {erases screen} ...you know.
{Steps back into scene.}
SKULLB: ... So I've known you longer than I've known Jerry?
JERRY: Wow. What a small world.
SKULLB: So... why are you here?
CHWOKA: Well, I saw Casey leaving, and decided I wanted to see the ensuing wackiness.
JERRY: ... How long have you been stalking us?
CHWOKA: You sold the rights to your lives to a platypus. He's been making it a TV show for five seasons.
SKULLB: Really? I thought he was a duck.
JERRY: ... I'm not going to question anything.
CHWOKA: Anyway, I figure it's time for a night on the town!
{A knock on the door is heard}
LAND SHARK: Telegram?
SKULLB: FFFFFF
{SkullB opens the door, then punches out the land shark.}
SKULLB: Alright, let's head out for a night on the town.
CHWOKA: A NIGHT ON THE TOWN
{Cut to Chwoka's front room at night. The door slams open, and the three swagger in.}
CHWOKA: Oh god, I shouldn't have eaten that hot dog...{gags} I'm alright, I'm alright.
{Jerry ambles over to the couch and passes out.}
SKULLB: Dude... {snickers} He's wasted.
{A fat cat sits on Jerry's face.}
SKULLB: Haha... I don't think we even have a cat.
CHWOKA: I do, and this is my house...
{Cut to the lower levels of hell. Flamingskull, Lucy, Chernobog, and Darlon are all at a conference table.}
DARLON: Why am I here?
LUCY: Listen, kid, this is a crossover event, and you're the closest thing to a villain we could find for this Chwoka guy.
DARLON: How in the world does that guy's skull stay alight? {points to Baron Von Flamingskull}
{Flamingskull cries, but the tears turn into steam.}
DARLON: ...not creepy at all.
FLAMINGSKULL: {yelling} I'll have you know I use magic!
LUCY: ... {sighs} Right. A-anyhow, we have a problem.
DARLON: ... That being?
LUCY: Well, both your... enemy? and our enemies are in the same place! They could join together to strike us down! ... Or something.
FLAMINGSKULL: I say we use this opportunity to destroy them! It's the perfect chance!
DARLON: My enemy is...?
CHERNOBOG: That Chowka guy.
DARLON: That's my brother. We're roommates, too. If he wanted to kill me, he would ha-
LUCY: Gah! Shut up - you're supposed to kill him!
DARLON: ...kill? Why do you want me to kill him?
FLAMINGSKULL: I don't like this guy...
LUCY: Chernobog, get the evilizer.
CHERNOBAG: But ma'am!
LUCY: No if, ands, or buts about it!
{Chernobog slinks off nervously, up a staircase. Cut to Dr. Brainfreeze's laboratory}
CHERNOBOG: {appears} Can we borrow your-
DR. BRAINFREEZE: Yes.
CHERNOBOG: Thank you, sir!
{Cut: Hell again.}
CHERNOBOG: Got it!
LUCY: ... Good. Ready the evilizer!
FLAMINGSKULL: Alright!
{Baron von Flamingskull beats Darlon in the head with a bat.}
FLAMINGSKULL: Alright, now we wait!
LUCY: ... You idiot.
FLAMINGSKULL: Hey, Brainfreeze got it to work!
LUCY: Brainfreeze has a PhD in Mad Science, and you don't.
{Cut: A dark screen. Some thumps are heard}
SKULLB: Move your...what is it called?
CHWOKA: Foot?
SKULLB: We gotta turn on a li-a light.
CHWOKA: Don't you have a built-in one?
SKULLB: Eh?
CHWOKA: Oh, whatever...
{fumbling is heard}
CHWOKA: Here's that new switch...
{The lights turn on. Both the switches are turned.}
CHWOKA: ...switch new that Here's.
{Chwoka flips both switches}
CHWOKA: Here's that ne-wagh!
SKULLB: What? Is something biting your delicious meatfoot?
CHWOKA: Wh-what? No, I just feel like I've done this before...
SKULLB: Oh, a heavy drinker, eh?
CHWOKA: No, it's not that, it's just...whatever.
{Chwoka flips only the switch closest to him. The lights turn on}
SKULLB: ... Huh. Now what's that other one do-
{SkullB flips the other switch.}
SKULLB: my brain my brain it's hurting IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS
{SkullB quickly flicks the switch off.}
SKULLB: Oh God... Oh God.
CHWOKA: Hm?
SKULLB: I'm sorry. I've got a headache. It must have been that night on the town.
CHWOKA: But... you didn't drink. You can't drink.
SKULLB: Well, whatever.
{Long pause.}
SKULLB: Hold on, let me try that again.
{SkullB flicks the switch again.}
SKULLB: somebody anybody help
CHWOKA: hhhhhhhey BBBBULLLDODODOG
SKULLB: itsonlyanorthernsong
{SkullB turns off the switch.}
SKULLB: Ow.
CHWOKA: Okay, even I felt that one. I think we're in control of a new and exciting plot!
{Cut: Jerry on the couch. He suddenly clutches his forehead, but instead slaps the cat. The cat meows an bites his face, then runs off.}
JERRY: Oh, god, what happened last - {looks out window} - this night? I've got a killer headache...
{The cat runs into the hallway, and runs out backwards.}
CHWOKA: {off-screen} hhhhhhhey BBBBULLLDODODOG
JERRY: Well, that's certainly...a thing. I don't know. {falls back asleep.}
{Cut: Hell's washroom. Darlon is unconscious, on the floor. Zoom on in his face. Chaotic sound effects are played. His eyelid snaps open, and all sounds stop. His eyes are now red. He gets up, dusts himself off, and looks in the mirror.}
DARLON: Nononono, that will never do.
{funky bass groove begins to play over a montage of Darlon neatening up with an unseen shower, hair gel, hair dye, etcetera. By the end of it, a trumpet sounds and Darlon is in a tuxedo. His hair is one big "flip" that is colored red. He smiles, and his teeth sparkle. He walks off-screen}
LUCY: ... My, what have you done with him?
FLAMINGSKULL: It's all in the wrist.
LUCY: Why, he's... quite a gentleman.
FLAMINGSKULL: I take it you're over Beelzebub?
LUCY: Yeah, he's been bugging me recently.
LUCY: ... So what now?
{Cut: the lightswitch room.}
SKULLB: Is... is it safe to flick that switch?
CHWOKA: No.
SKULLB: Oh, okay then. I guess we just won't flip it any more.
{Credits begin to roll, and then it cuts back to the lightswitch room}
SKULLB: I CAN NOT RESIST
CHWOKA: BUT I THOUGHT YOU HAD BUILT-IN RESISTORS-
{SkullB flips the switch rapid-fire, strobe light style}
CHWOKA: -ORS-ORS-ORS-ORS-ORS-ORS-ORS-ORS-ORS-ORS-ORS...
JERRY: {walks in, backwards.} Okay, I'm just going to leave now...
SKULLB: {laughs}
JERRY: What's with all the racket? I'm {walks out again} trying to get to sleep.
{SkullB stops flipping the switch}
SKULLB: Okay, I think I'm done here.
CHWOKA: -ORS! Oh, okay.
{short pause. A fwoosh is heard, and Chwoka collapses to the floor, clutching his neck.}
DARLON: {off-screen} Well, it looks like you're out of time, Chwoka. {laughs}
SKULLB: Who is that devilishly handsome villain?
DARLON: {off-screen} Why, it's me...
{The camera pans over and a heavenly light illuminates Darlon from behind while a chorus plays.}
DARLON: ... Darlon.
SKULLB: ... Who now?
DARLON: ... {angrily} Darlon.
{The chorus plays once more.}
SKULLB: ... I still don't know who you are.
DARLON: {sighs} Listen, I'm here to take you out.
SKULLB: Just try it! Poison darts won't affect me!
DARLON: ... Oh, really?
{Darlon beats SkullB over the head with a blackjack.}
SKULLB: {shaky} Th-that worked surprisingly well!
{SkullB falls unconscious.}
DARLON: Hm! Hahahaha! I've done it!
{Pause.}
DARLON: Why did I do it?
{Pause.}
DARLON: Oh, right. I'm evil. {Evil laugh, lightning strikes, organ plays}
JERRY: {off-screen} What's going on in there?
DARLON: {thinking} Oh god, what do I do, I only brought weapons for two!
{Darlon frantically looks around for improvised weapons, as footsteps grow louder}
DARLON: {gasps} THE CAT!
{Darlon picks the fat cat off the ground. Jerry turns around the corner.}
JERRY:' What's with all {stops walking} the racket? I'm trying to get to-
{Darlon chucks the cat at Jerry.}
JERRY: OH GOD!
{The cat claws Jerry's face and somehow doesn't fall off. He backs out of the room. Darlon resumes his evil laugh.}
DARLON: Now to leave under the shroud of darkness...
{Darlon flips both switches, and various sounds play backwards. Chwoka and SkullB, unaffected, flip on the light switch and off the other, strange switch. A woosh is heard, but Chwoka dodges it.}
CHWOKA: What the hell was that?
SKULLB: ... I don't know.
{Pause.}
SKULLB: FLIP THE SWITCH AGAIN
CHWOKA: YYYYYYYYYYY
{Chwoka flips the switch the flips Chwoka}
CHWOKA: Oh my goodness I feel great feel I goodness my Oh :CHWOKA
SKULLB: Ow my brain my Ow :SKULLB
{Cut: Hell. Darlon returns to the group.}
DARLON: Not to worry, I'm back.
FLAMINGSKULL: Oh, we were waiting with bated breath.
LUCY: So, what'd you do?
DARLON: ... I beat one of them over the head and the other I shot with a poison dart. I also threw a cat at somebody and then... something.
LUCY: ... Something?
DARLON: Between here and there... I don't know what happened. It went by in a blur...
FLAMINGSKULL: Are they taken care of?
DARLON: I'm not actually sure.
LUCY: How can you not be sure?
DARLON: Well, one moment they were both dead, and the next I was outside the window with a peashooter in my hand. Then, when I tried to look inside, they were running backwards and forwards and they were both dead and alive. It was like looking at Schrödinger's cat in there!
LUCY: What!?
DARLON: I don't know, but I think they may be on to something.
{Cut: The Cohen Household. Crickets chirp.}
{Cut: outside Chwoka's house. Various horrifying sounds play. Eric rides by on a scooter}
ERIC: ...must be a halloween party...
{Flamingskull steps into the foreground, looking at the house}
FLAMINGSKULL: L-looks pretty scary...
{The noises all stop}
SKULLB: {off-screen} Why do we flip the switch?
CHWOKA: {off-screen} We should stop, I think the joke is getting a bit stale.
JERRY: {off-screen} Wh-you guys were just in the in the hallway!
SKULLB: {off-screen} SHUT UP SWITCH TIME
{Flamingskull starts walking backwards.}
FLAMINGSKULL: Oh... oh God... help! HELP!
{Cut: Hell.}
FLAMINGSKULL: ... and I walked backwards all the way here! Do you know what a fart feels like coming back in?
LUCY: Ew. Ew. Too much.
DARLON: See? Something's up over there.
{Cut: Chwoka's hat. The crew are standing around it}
CHWOKA: Guys, look what you've done! We've gone back so far that we're still fighting the mafia over a magical hat!
SKULLB: When did that happen?
CHWOKA: It's non-canon, but you've royally screwed up. When we get back, I'm uninstalling that switch.
{Cut: The Chwoka household once more again. Chwoka is shouting at the Cohens}
CHWOKA: Go away! I have work to do in the morning!
SKULLB: Maybe the switch could-
CHWOKA: No! Shut up!
JERRY: What is going on?
{Chwoka slams the door}
{Cut: Chwoka's bedroom. He slams down onto the bed, and closes his eyes. A pair of glowing ovals peak up from behind him}
CHERNOBOG: Never have a supervillain do a demon's job.
CHWOKA: You know, I'm not asleep yet.
CHERNOBOG: Oh, really?
CHWOKA: Yeah, it takes some time to fall asleep.
CHERNOBOG: Well, uh, you don't have any weapons, right?
CHWOKA: No.
{Chwoka picks up his alarm clock and konks Chernobog over the head with it.}
CHWOKA: But I can manage.
{Cut: Hell}
CHERNOBOG: I tell you, they're resilient!
LUCY: You have all failed...
DARLON: Hey, I actually got two kills in, unlike Mr. Reverse-Fart over here!
FLAMINGSKULL: Hey! I'm competent! {pause} ...probably.
LUCY: Now, I know we're just going through villains now, but we need backups...Chernobog!
CHERNOBOG: Yes, ma'am...
{Chernobog slinks off}
DARLON: ...what is he doing?
LUCY: Ssh.
{Cut: Number Two's house. Chernobog slinks in through the window.}
NUMBER TWO: ... Who let in the suck?
CHERNOBOG: We need backup villains. You in?
NUMBER TWO: No.
CHERNOBOG: ... Oh.
{Cut: Dr. Brainfreeze's lab.}
DR. BRAINFREEZE: No thank you, I'm quite busy.
CHERNOBOG: ... Alright.
{Cut: what looks like a laboratory. A large insectoid creature in a lab coat and a smaller insect, also in a lab coat, are there.}
DR. IMAGO: We don't have time for this, sir.
GNATHAN: Hee hee... yes. I mean... no.
CHERNOBOG: ... Okay, then.
{Cut: Skeletor's castle.}
SKELETOR: NO! Can't you see I'm busy?
CHERNOBOG: Sorry. {whimpers}
{Cut: Hell.}
CHERNOBOG: ... so you see, all I could get was this hobo named Walter.
WALTER: Yo.
CHERNOBOG: ... Is this good enough?
DARLON: No. What we need now is...
{Cut: Chwoka's backyard. The sun has begun to rise. The villains are gathered.}
DARLON: ...elaborate {yawn} death...traps...that I spent all night building...{falls asleep.}
{Pan up. Walter is tied to a wooden octagon, which has various machinery attached haphazardly}
WALTER: What's "bait"?
LUCY: You'll... see? I never really got how to make this thing work...
{Lucy pushes the octagon slightly. It starts rolling toward the house.}
FLAMINGSKULL: ... Is it working?
LUCY: Hell if I know.
{The octagon keeps rolling toward the house and hits it. It stops.}
LUCY: ... It didn't do anything!
WALTER: I think I got grass in my mouth.
LUCY: Damnit, that sexy beast let us down!
FLAMINGSKULL: ... Heh. You've got a cruuuush.
LUCY: Shut up.
FLAMINGSKULL: I do admit though that if he were a woman I would totally ask him out.
LUCY: Well. So much for that plan.
{Pause.}
WALTER: How about we just, you know... break and enter?
FLAMINGSKULL: ... Damnit! Common sense fails us again!
DARLON: I totally have housekeys. Here...
{Darlon tosses the keys to Chernobog, then falls down face-first}
CHERNOBOG: Cool, keys!
{Chernobog starts scraping at the window with the keys. Eventually Lucy just burns down the door and walks inside. Inside, the villains see SkullB, Jerry and Chwoka are asleep.}
FLAMINGSKULL: Oh, that's lame. They're asleep. Now I can't give a monologue.
{The cat from earlier walks up.}
FLAMINGSKULL: Aha! I'll monologue to this cat!
{Flamingskull clears his throat.}
FLAMINGSKULL: In all my years, I have never seen a more pathetic cat. You're not fit to lick the soles of my shoes! Why, if I were just a bit smaller I'd slap you right across the cheek, you arrogant little twit! I've never known such an idiot in my whole life--and working with villains, that's hard to top! Hahaha! What say you now?
CAT: Meow.
FLAMINGSKULL: Hahaha! I am the greatest!
{The cat brushes up against Flamingskull's leg.}
FLAMINGSKULL: No! No, I am not your friend! Stop it! Stoooooop!
LUCY: Oh, shut up.
{Jerry stirs a bit.}
LUCY: Oh, sh- {quietly} he's waking up, he's waking uuup!
CHERNOBOG: Oh, cr-
{Jerry lies still again.}
LUCY: ... Okay. Okay. He's asleep.
{Chwoka bolts up.}
CHWOKA: DON'T WAKE DADDY
CHERNOBOG: I know! The light - they hate the light!
FLAMINGSKULL: I was a human once, and I'm pretty sure that-
CHERNOBOG: There's no time! He knows clock-fu!
{Chernobog rushes off.}
LUCY: ...that was a horrible pun
CHERNOBOG: {off-screen} I found a lightswitch!
{Cut to the hallway. Chernobog turns on both the light and the other switch.}
CHWOKA: YDDAD EKAW T'NOD
LUCY: What is going on?
DARLON: I told you, we should've just used deathtraps! Or a gun!
FLAMINGSKULL: {slowed-down} Hey guys, why are you moving so fast?
{Chernobog flips the switch again}
CHERNOBOG: See? Fast asleep and dead.
LUCY: ... My head hurts.
FLAMINGSKULL: Yeah. Mine too.
LUCY: ... Chernobog. What did you do?
CHERNOBOG: I turned on the lights!
LUCY: ... Hold on.
{Lucy runs to the lightswitch and flicks it off.}
LUCY: ... That turned off the light.
CHERNOBOG: ... Oh. Sorry. I guess I didn't do anything...
{Cut: The Cohen's driveway. Casey pulls in. It is now morning}
CASEY: Jerry!
{Pause.}
CASEY: Jerry, where are you?
{Casey walks into the house.}
CASEY: Jerry? Are you even here?
{Pause.}
CASEY: Ugh...
{Casey grabs the phone.}
CASEY: {dials a number} ... Hello? Is this Vanhock?
VANHOCK: {over phone} Yes, who is this?
CASEY: Casey Cohen. You know... Jerry's wife?
VANHOCK: Oh, the druggie?
CASEY: ... That's behind us now, okay? ... Anyhow, have you seen Jerry?
VANHOCK: Last I've seen, he was living the high life and partying at Chwoka's.
CASEY: ... Oh, is he? ... Thanks, Vanhock.
VANHOCK: No problem.
{Casey hangs up and runs out to the car.}
CASEY: I swear to God, that man...
{Cut: Chwoka's house. Chwoka has disassembled the switch. SkullB walks in.}
SKULLB: Aww, I was gonna throw a lightswitch rave.
{Pause}
SKULLB: What, no response!? How rude.
{Pause}
CHWOKA: I think I've figured it out.
{Jerry walks in, eating a bowl of cereal}
JERRY: Figured what out?
CHWOKA: It's a time machine! The problems stem from the fact that it's an analog switch.
SKULLB: What?
CHWOKA: You guys go find me a dimmer. Now!
JERRY: -but I haven't finished my breakfast-
CHWOKA: Go!
{Jerry and Skullbuggy run off. Cut: the front of the house. Jerry hops in Skullbuggy and drives off. Pause. Casey drives up. and walks to the door. Darlon is waiting on the roof, with Lucy.}
DARLON: I'm telling you, Hell needs more deathtraps!
LUCY: They have unimaginable horrors, what more does it need?
{Casey screams.}
DARLON: See, we've got a person in my 7 foot doormat trap door!
{Darlon scrambles down the roof.}
DARLON: Hahaha! I've got you now!
CASEY: What?
DARLON: Haha! I... wait, what?
{Casey is standing in front of the trapdoor.}
DARLON: Well who the f-
WALTER: {offscreen} Sorry, man. I didn't know.
DARLON: ... {sighs} Oh, whatever.
CASEY: Hey, Darlon.
DARLON: Oh? We've met?
CASEY: ... Like once, I think.
DARLON: ... Really? I didn't know.
CASEY: Anyhow, where's Skully? And Jerry?
DARLON: I have no idea, okay? They're... somewhere.
CASEY: Well if you see them, can you tell them I'm looking for them?
DARLON: ... W-will do.
CASEY: Thanks. I've gotta go.
{Casey walks back to her car and drives off.}
DARLON: ... Walter, you're ruining our plan!
WALTER: {offscreen} It said "Welcome" on it!
{Timeswipe: Hallway. Chwoka has assembled a time machine.}
JERRY: How did you...?
CHWOKA: I slapped a dimmer on the timeswitch.
SKULLB: How does it work?
CHWOKA: Well, you turn this dial and it brings you through time.
SKULLB: No, I mean how does it wo-
JERRY: That's amazing!
{Pan to the left. Flamingskull is hanging upside down outside the window}
FLAMINGSKULL: A time machine, eh?
{Flamingskull falls down.}
LUCY: {off-screen} Idiot.
FLAMINGSKULL: Whaaat?
LUCY: {off-screen} You're on the first story!
FLAMINGSKULL: Hey! I can be Spiderman if I want.
JERRY: ... Skully?
SKULLB: Yeah?
JERRY: You did notice that there's a guy outside our window. With a flaming skull.
SKULLB: Oh. Him.
{Pause.}
JERRY: Should we do something?
CHWOKA: Oh, why not?
SKULLB: Hey, wasn't he our designated supervillain?
JERRY: Yeah.
{Cut: Dr. Brainfreeze's lab.}
CHERNOBOG: Do you have a cup of
DR. BRAINFREEZE: It's hidden behind the A-K nonfiction section in the library.
CHERNOBOG: Thankyousir
{Cut: The library. Lucy, Flamingskull, and Chernobog are in front of the A-K nonfiction section}
LUCY: ... And why are we here?
CHERNOBOG: Open says me!
{The bookcase turns around, revealing a small time machine on a roman pedestal.}
LUCY: A time machine!
CHERNOBOG: It's under F for FFFFFFFFFFFFF
FLAMINGSKULL: Enough drivel! Hand us the time machine already!
CHERNOBOG: Okay!
{Chernobog hands Lucy the time machine.}
LUCY: ... How in God's name does this work?
CHERNOBOG: Beats me.
{Darlon jumps out}
DARLON: Ooh, I'm good with technology!
FLAMINGSKULL: Where did he come fr-
{Darlon takes the time machine and runs off.}
LUCY: ...well, then.
{Cut: the mean streets of Decentville. Casey is driving around slowly, with her window rolled down.}
CASEY: {hollering out window} Jerry! Skullbuggy!
{Casey stops at a crosswalk as the four villains walk across the street, Abbey Road style.}
CASEY: Oh, come on!
DARLON: Oh! Why, if it isn't the woman herself... The woman who is inexplicably married to that blond-haired idiot!
CASEY: Hey! Jerry may be an idiot all the time but that's no grounds to call our marriage an accident!
FLAMINGSKULL: Heh... Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
LUCY: Especially on her period. I should know.
CASEY: Alright, you red-haired twit. I've been all around town and I'm still trying to find those two!
DARLON: Heh... you have no idea! ... In fact, neither do I.
CASEY: You don't know either?
FLAMINGSKULL: Last I checked, they were sleeping at Choupkah's.
DARLON: Chwoka.
FLAMINGSKULL: Whatev!
CASEY: So, they're at Chwoka's again. What a relief!
DARLON: I'm glad you're relaxed because we're about to put you into a high-stress situation!
{Two clamps grab the back and front of the car, and lift up into the air. They begin to pull the car apart.}
DARLON: See? Traps and puns, it's all in the traps and puns.
CHERNOBOG: But won't she just fall out when the car tears?
DARLON: Well, dear Cherno, do you really think a deathtrap is a deathtrap without DEATH PITS!?
{A large pool of radioactive electrically-charged acid opens under the car.}
CHERNOBOG: {to Flamingskull} Can you say overkill?
FLAMINGSKULL: {to Chernobog} Someone's overcompensating!
{Chernobog and Flamingskull giggle.}
DARLON: Not only that, but this pool is filled with...
{A robot shark jumps out of the water.}
DARLON: Acid-proof ROBOSHARKS! Armed with machine guns.
{A few bullets shoot out of the acid and into the sky}
CASEY: ... Wh-what?
DARLON: Yes! The ultimate deathtrap! I will-
{Suddenly, Casey's car turns into a blue sportscar. Casey opens a sunroof and gets out.}
CASEY: Wh-what just happened?
DARLON: That is quite the question indeed.
JERRY: {offscreen} Stop right there, Darlon and others!
{Pan over to show Jerry and Chwoka.}
CASEY: Jerry!
DARLON: Chwoka?!
CHWOKA: Darlon.
JERRY: Casey...?
SKULLB: {offscreen} Skullbuggy!
FLAMINGSKULL: So... what just happened?
JERRY: Here's an explanation. I saw Casey from inside the switch room and I tried to find a way to stop this. In this case, I traveled back in time and persuaded Casey to get something with a sunroof.
DARLON: But that's... absolutely ridiculous!
JERRY: It worked, didn't it?
DARLON: Fine. I went back in time and shot Chwoka -
{Chwoka falls over, clutching his heart, turns into a half-rotted corpse}
DARLON: - so that you wouldn't have the time machine.
{Pause}
DARLON: Wait, how are you still here?
JERRY: Because we stole your time machine before you found it.
{Chwoka gets up and changes back to normal.}
CHERNOBOG: Yeah!? Well we went back in time and redesigned the deathtrap so that it had a second opening...right under your feet!
{ Jerry and Skullbuggy sidestep. Chwoka steps backwards a little bit. A hatch opens and Chwoka falls in}
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
JERRY: Yeah, well
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
JERRY: ...Yeah, well we
CHWOKA: OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!
ROBOSHARK: Shut up and die!
{A hail of bullets is heard}
JERRY: So, like I was saying, we went back in time and rerouted the road entirely!
{The background changes to a bathroom of a house. Casey's car falls on top of Chernobog's legs. Chwoka reappears}
DARLON: No! The spot was perfect for a deathpit!
JERRY: That's right, without a good spot, you couldn't build one!
FLAMINGSKULL: That doesn't matter! We stole your time machine!
{Pause}
CHWOKA: ...when?
FLAMINGSKULL: Now!
{Flamingskull steals the time machine from Jerry's hands.}
CHERNOBOG: I'm really lucky I don't feel pain in my legs...
CHWOKA: Oh, yeah? Well I stole yours!
FLAMINGSKULL: Ha! I'll have you know we have our time machine!
CHWOKA: Well how would I have it if I didn't?
{Chwoka smirks and takes the time machine from behind his back.}
CHWOKA: I took the time machine, went back in time, and sculpted a great replica and replaced it!
FLAMINGSKULL: ... Goddamnit. That was my moment!
LUCY: Really? Well we broke your time machine!
JERRY: And we got it fixed!
DARLON: And we broke it again!
CHWOKA: And we switched ours with yours!
DARLON: Nuh-uh!
CHWOKA: Yeah so!
DARLON: Yeah!? Well I switched ours with yours!
SKULLB: Well I killed you all in the womb!
CHERNOBOG: And I gave their wombs guns!
{Pause}
LUCY: One day, Chernobog, you have to take the time to learn about human biology.
CHERNOBOG: It worked, didn't it?
DARLON: Yeah!? Well I punted you in the soft spot! {points to Jerry}
{Jerry's head caves in}
CHWOKA: Oh my god!
{Chwoka barfs}
FLAMINGSKULL: Ew, gross. I called a janitor in advance.
{A janitor wheels by.}
'JANITOR: {slow drawl} That'll be 5 dollars.
FLAMINGSKULL: I already payed you! {wink}
JANITOR: So you have, so you have.
LUCY: That's just abuse.
JERRY: Oh, yeah? Well I-
{Suddenly, everything starts going in fast reverse. It goes in reverse through the entire movie until stopping at the moment where Chwoka installs the lightswitch.}
CHWOKA: Hmm... just another screw here and-
JERRY: {offscreen} STOP!
{Jerry tackles Chwoka, knocking him down.}
CHWOKA: Jerry, what the hell?
JERRY: Don't screw that lightswitch in! What you're doing is a huge mistake!
CHWOKA: ... I don't see how a lightswitch will be a problem.
JERRY: Listen... that lightswitch is a time machine. It'll kill us all a hundred times... and it's all our fault.
CHWOKA: ... I'm still not impressed.
JERRY: Just quit it right now!
CHWOKA: No! I need lights in my house.
JERRY: Yeah? Well I guess I'll be stopping you myself.
{Jerry and Chwoka start brawling. After a couple seconds, Chwoka hits the wall with his head, passing out.}
JERRY: ... Okay, good. Good. Now to finish the deed...
DARLON: {off-screen} STOP!
JERRY: That voice! How is he here?
DARLON: Why are you trying to kill my brother?
{Evil Darlon (DARLON 2) appears}
DARLON 2: You know, you forgot to destroy our time machine. {holds out a gun}
{Jerry puts on a look of realization.}
JERRY: Chwoka, get the gun.
{Close-up on Darlon 2's face}
DARLON 2: You can not grab my gun, for I have an iron grip!
{Zoom out, Darlon has no gun}
DARLON 2: Aw crap.
{Jerry puts a gun to Darlon 1's head}
JERRY: If you don't stop right now, I'll kill you!
DARLON 1: What's going-
DARLON 2: Bah! I could kill you a hundred times over now that you've stopped time machine production.
CHWOKA: I don't know what is going on...
JERRY: ... Look. There's one way out of this.
CHWOKA: That is?
{Jerry points the gun to his own head.}
JERRY: See ya!
{Jerry shoots himself. He drops to the ground, dead.}
CHWOKA: ... Holy shit.
DARLON 2: Wait, that doesn't solve the problem at all!
CHWOKA: What do you mean?
DARLON 2: Look, he wasn't the one who set the events into motions, you were. The only way to truly stop it all would be to kill anyone BUT himself. That was a very stupid move.
CHWOKA: But if I don't build the time machine, then I can still stop it, right?
DARLON 1: I get it now!
DARLON 2: {sigh} Listen, if you don't build the time machine, it just makes you easier for my deathtraps to kill you.
DARLON 1: and now I'm lost again.
CHWOKA: Well, what if I shoot you?
DARLON 2: Are you going to shoot the one who accomplished his goals already or the innocent man who gets hypnotized later on?
DARLON 1: A moral dilemma indeed.
CHWOKA: Well, fine. I'll build the time machine ANYWAY!
DARLON 2: Nice job creating a stable time loop where your future best friend kills himself.
CHWOKA: ...damn it, there isn't a way out, is there?
DARLON 1: Well, no, now that you know exactly what to do, you can conquer your foes before they do all this.
CHWOKA: Hey, yeah!
DARLON 2: Or I could shoot you.
{Darlon 2 holds up the gun}
DARLON 2: There's always that to depend on.
CHWOKA: ... Alright, then. Let's do this.
{Suddenly, SkullB walks in.}
SKULLB: Hey, I... JERRY!
CHWOKA: ... SkullB...
DARLON 2: What the hell?
SKULLB: ... Who did this to him?
{Chwoka and Darlon 1 point at Darlon 2.}
DARLON 2: Hey, I'm the one with the gun!
SKULLB: Not anymore, bitch!
{SkullB fires his laser at Darlon 2, vaporising him.}
CHWOKA: ... Well, he's dead.
DARLON: ... What now?
SKULLB: Are you still installing that thing?
CHWOKA: I don't know...
SKULLB: Turn it back. Before this all happened. Please.
CHWOKA: ... I don't think that's possible... is it?
SKULLB: Damnit, man! Do it!
DARLON: Turn it back?
SKULLB: It's a long story you'll never know. KILL THE LIGHTS!
{Chwoka flicks the switch. Suddenly, the screen goes black.}
{Fade in to an exposed lightswitch. Chwoka's hand slaps a 2-faceted cover down. Chwoka pops a few screws in, as the camera slowly zooms out Chwoka, now fully on-screen, clothed in handyman attire, drills in the screw. Chwoka begins to take off his handyman attire. SkullB hops in.}
CHWOKA: WAUGH!
SKULLB: Hey, Chwoka.
CHWOKA: Hey... Why are you here, again?
{SkullB fires a round of bullets at the lightswitch, completely obliterating it.}
SKULLB: That's why.
CHWOKA: Oh, damnit. There goes my light switch.
SKULLB: Listen... this is the most important thing I've ever done ever.
CHWOKA: ... Alright. Whatever.
{Chwoka leaves the room. SkullB follows suit, first turning off the lights.}
