Raggonixmail/2

SUMMARY: Raggonix is not a man to be trifled with. Also, tacos. Also, film directors.

TRANSCRIPT

{The camera begins rolling, with Raggonix at the desk. He begins humming.}

RAGGONIX: C-c-checking mah emai-

RAGGON: Stop that, it's annoying.

RAGGONIX: Fuck you man.

{Raggonix pulls up his email.}

Dear Raggonix,
Fuck you.
From someone that is a fan of you...

Not really.

RAGGONIX: Ooh, a f- wait, small text.

{He squints. GASP!}

RAGGONIX: HATE MAAAAAIL! Raggon, get the guns, we got someone to murder!

RAGGON: Uh, great plan, except, it was an anonymous email.

{Raggonix stops dead silent. Then he grabs his keyboard.}

RAGGONIX: Then hopefully they're not behind proxies.

{Taptaptap SUCCESS.}

RAGGONIX: This email was sent by...UWE BOLL, MY ARCHNEMESIS.

RAGGON: What.

RAGGONIX: I MEAN, HE DIRECTED FAR CRY. HE'S EVIIIIIIIL.

RAGGON: Okay then. Should I still get the guns?

RAGGONIX: Yes. We'll also need a plane.

RAGGON: Why?

RAGGONIX: BECAUSE, YOU CUNT. WE'RE HEADING TO CANADA. And because planes are cool.

{They head out to the main warehouse area. Raiku is watching TV.}

RAGGON: Hey Rai, want to come with us to kill Uwe Boll?

RAIKU: I'll pass. Don't track blood in on the carpet.

RAGGONIX: We're in a metal war-

RAIKU: DON'T BACKTALK TO ME.

{Raggon and Raggonix leave. Later, they head to the airport.}

RAGGON: Okay, this was a bad idea...how the fuck are we going to get a plane..? AND DO EITHER OF US EVEN KNOW HOW TO FLY?

RAGGONIX: We'll approach that when we get to it!

{They sneak up on a small private plane, and knock out the pilot, tossing him out. Raggon, being the better driver, pilots, while Raggonix sits in the back holding the camera.}

RAGGON: This isn't too different from a stick-shift, is it...?

{They begin spinning out of control as they fly towards Ontario.}

RAGGON: FUCK FUCK FUCK!

RAGGONIX: YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME FLY!

RAGGON: NO, THANK YOU.

{Raggon is able to gain control, as they slip past the Canadian border unseen, somehow. They fly over Uwe Boll's mansion, where Raggonix parachutes out. Power by Kanye West begins to play.}

RAGGONIX: YIPPEE-KI-YAY, MOTHER FUCKERS!

{Raggonix pulls out dual pistols, and begins taking out his guards, as he lands on the roof. He smashes through a glass sunroof, landing onto Uwe Boll.}

RAGGONIX: HELLO UWE MOTHERFUCKING BOLL!

UWE: OH SHIT IT'S HIM!

{Raggonix places one pistol to Uwe's balls, and the other in his mouth, and fires both at the same time, killing him. He then runs past the Canadian police as he leaps into the plane.}

RAGGONIX: DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE.

RAGGON: I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN!

{The plane is able to take off, escaping relatively unharmed. They fly back towards Los Angeles.}

RAGGONIX: Holy fuck. I did it. I killed Uwe Boll.

RAGGON: Don't forget to clean your boots off. We don't want to get Raiku pissed off.

RAGGONIX: Fuck him.

{They land outside the warehouse. Raiku is holding a shotgun, next to a sign saying "WIPE YOUR FEET.". Raggonix meeps, and cleans his boots off. Later, back in the computer room.}

RAGGONIX: Well, viewers, that is how I killed Uwe Boll.

{The video gets like a billion hits. The government pardons him for doing a favor to the world.}

Fin.