(even if you aren't vegan)
Pulp
Have you ever written an essay? I know I have! In this essay I will tell you how to write an essay. In this essay, I will tell you how to write an introductory paragraph, write your second paragraph, write your other paragraphs, and your final paragraph. When you are done reading this essay, you will know how to write an essay.
First, write a “Hook,” or “question.” This catches the reader's attention. Use this for every essay you write, and even lab reports! Then you need to tell the reader what you are going to tell them and what they are going to learn coming out of the essay. It is important to do this exactly the same every time. Don't give the reader any details, so they are hooked fully and will read the rest of the essay.
Secondly, always use transitional words at the beginning of your paragraphs, like “Firstly,” “Also,” and “Finally.” Use lots of exclamation points, to make the reader excited! (If you feel something doesn't fit with the rest of the paragraph, put it in parenthesis.) If you're anything like me, you want to have a conversational tone in your essay, so use personal statements like “by the way,” “in my opinion,” and “if you're anything like me,” even if it doesn't make sense.
Also, in your other paragraphs, tell the reader facts about your subject. These paragraphs don't need to be longer than two or three sentences!
Lastly, do your final paragraph. Tell the reader that you “hope they enjoyed [your] essay” either at the beginning or end of your paragraph. By the way, this increases enjoyment of your essay. Then tell them exactly what they learned. (It is okay to copy the beginning part, but change it into past tense.) After you are finished writing, double-space the essay and increase the font size so the essay looks longer.
I hope you have enjoyed my essay. In this essay I told you how to write an essay. In this essay, I told you how to write an introductory paragraph, write your second paragraph, write your other paragraphs, and your final paragraph. Now you know how to write an essay.
Oh, it's a deconstructionist response to modernism, which defined rules. No? Okay, I'll start over:
In postmodernism, nothing is sacred. We deal with ideas rather than concrete objects. What? No, postmodernism does not mean “the future,” it means – well, look, modernism was a movement, but now we're past it and thus – alright, no, in this case “modern” does not mean “the present.”
Alright, even simpler: You ever read Catch-22? Okay, good. That is a good example of postmodernism, with its casual disregard for the timeline. You thought it was confusing? Really? Did you at least think it was funny? Yes, draft-dodging is perfectly hilarious! It's called “black comedy” and – you know what, I'm getting sidetracked here.
Modern children's television shows – no, I mean “modern” as in “the present” this time – are a product of living in a postmodern culture where nothing can be taken at face value. You start off with violent cartoons where Felix offs himself at the end but then people start wondering what that all means; how it influences children, what kind of person writes this. Pretty soon you have educational inoffensive garbage. You still don't get it? Have you even read a book?!
Alright, alright, sticking with children's shows for a moment: You know how you see “punk” styles with skulls and inky black splatters? Yes, I'm still talking about children's TV, I'm going to link it together soon. Well, it's funny to take that look and apply it to objects that don't deserve it, like Spongebob Squarepants in bleach bypass with inky tentacles as a border. That's postmodernism. What? No, it doesn't matter that you wear that stuff because you like Spongebob, we're talking about the design!
You know what? From now on? Postmodernism is weird for the sake of being weird. Whenever somebody says “postmodern” or “postmodernism,” pretend they said “weird.”
For teenaged drivers there are some dangers out there all the time! I know this because you are teenagers and you don't know how to operate anything but those cell phones that are so permanently glued to your noses. (You talk through your noses right? I can't keep up with teen culture.) So here are some safety tips, on the house!
For example, take my recent experience with merges. I tried to merge once, but I couldn't because you teens were probably on drugs. At least, I'm pretty sure all 23 cars (I COUNTED, OKAY?!?) were filled with teens back from their 3rd period hulla-ballo where they egg houses and spit on the elderly. In my day we respected eggs! We kept them in an incubator until we found out whether or not they were grenades. Anyway, long story short, I ended up merging and arrived at the post office at a reasonable time.
Take an experience from my teen years: I was in a traffic jam, cursing my old man with my slicked-back black hair, (DID I GROW UP AS JOHN TRAVOLTA IN GREASE OR JOHN TRAVOLTA IN SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.) when suddenly a man driver tried to actually MERGE in front of ME! Well, I'll tell you, if it was an older man, I would have pulled over into the ditch right then and there, damn the possible consequences to my car! But because it was a Sophmore and I was a Senior, I simply laid on the horn like I did on the empty moonshine jugs in my childhood. I shattered it to pieces and tried to glue it back together afterwords.
Now an example that will teach you about what you can do when other teens are being mean. Say you're driving down the long and winding road at night, when suddenly the driver behind you begins driving erratically. You have no way of knowing his or her age. The only solution is to assert your dominance by speeding up and driving MORE erratically. This establishes your dominance, but you still need to make it concrete. Next, hit the gas pedal and spin out of control. It might seem scary, but it is all part of the ballet we call driving. As you feel yourself falling, you will see a white light and a sudden feeling of weightlessness. Do what I did and walk towards the light. As you ascend, know that the other driver has been awed into submission.
You are the alpha driver.
Who needs a baby?
“Doo hoo hoo! I'm a baby, look at me!” a baby would say, if it could talk, which it can't because it's so stupid, “I'm gonna drool on myself, then run into a wall!”
But you stupid baby, running into a wall hurts. Why do you do it so much? Because you're stupid. What are you going to do now? Cry?
“Doot boot hoo! I'm in a car!”
What are you going to do now, baby? Going to drive that car up a wall like you drive me up a wall?
"I'm a stupid baby! Nobody likes me!”
I tried explaining postmodernism to a a baby once, but it wouldn't pay attention to one word! Why, I'd go as far as to say babies are stupider than people who bring dogs into restaurants!
“Oh, look at me! I'm a stupid baby and I'm on a horse!”
Why did you get on a horse, you stupid baby? Next thing you know, you're gonna fall off that horse and cry, instead of being a man and walking it off. Oh wait, you're so stupid you can't walk!
You know why babies are so stupid? They don't have teeth. That's where your brains are located. Babies are stupid enough that even if they had teeth, they'd knock them all out by falling off a horse.
Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop, when the wind blows, you'll fall and knock your teeth out! And I'll be there to collect the teeth and spit on you!
“Well, I'm a baby and I don't think that's very nice!”
Well, I have news for you, baby, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and we can't coddle our children or shield them from the real world! You stupid babies are lucky to have me around. When I was your age, nobody spat on me!
Babies are so stupid they couldn't even survive freshman year in high school. They don't even have enough common sense to fill their closets with flannel if they want to be cool!
“What?! I'm a stupid, stupid baby, and I'm on a rollercoaster because I think it would be fun!"
How'd you get on a rollercoaster if fat people (babies are fat) and short people can't board? I bet you don't remember how because you're so stupid! And you thought it would be fun, huh? As soon as you hit that first drop, you're going to cry! But you're not going to get the attention you pine for because nobody can hear you over their own screams. Adults scream, but you're just a stupid baby, so you just wail and wail and wail!
Stupid baby, why did you want to be on a rollercoaster anyway? What attracts babies to rollercoasters like moths to other moths? We're never going to get the answer, because babies are too stupid to talk.
“Oh, callou callay! I'm a baby on the moon! Look at me! Instead of regular diapers, I wear space diapers! Now I want attention, so I'm gonna cry!”
You're crying for attention on the moon? There's nobody on the moon! And even if there was, you'd never get a response, because there is no sound in space.
How are you going to get off the moon, baby? I'll tell you how: you aren't! You're going to be up there forever, and I say “good riddance!” Who needs a baby? We should send all babies to the moon!
That's why I think we should increase funding for the space program. I'm honored to be up here, in front of the United Nations, and thank you for giving me the time to explain my position. Now, I yield the floor to China.
