Other Character Email Trogador RELOADED BIZNATCH/assassin

The New Trogador Adventures

Episode 028: Assassin
When Trogador turns out a little too good at his new hobby, he becomes a wanted man, and Challenge City's greatest assassin is looking to collect his bounty.

Transcript

{cut to black screen that says "IN A.D 30X8". The screen then changes it's text it to "A DRAGON AND DR. HOUSE HAD WACKY MISGVINGS. THAT DRAGON IS..." The words disappear, and TROGADOR in orange letters appears. Below are the options "START GAME", "SECRET CODE WORD", and "OPTIONAL OPTIONS". The first set of words light up, and we get taken to this screen....}

{cut to The Backyard. Tampo is holding a stopwatch and a whistle as Jaros hop past him.}

TAMPO: You all have to beat Nathaniel's time or I'm scrapping you!

{Tampo blows the whistle. Trogador walks up behind him.}

TROGADOR: What's with all the noise out here? I'm trying to get some rest and-

TAMPO: {turns around} No you're not, you're watching Wheel of Fortune, I was just in there.

TROGADOR: Well, even if that baseless accusation is true, I have every right to watch Wheel of Fortune without a stampede out here!

TAMPO: Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt your precious Wheel of Fortune or sleep or whatever you were doing. I'll be sure not to do my training rituals for Minions when it conflicts with your schedule!

TROGADOR: Is that what this is then? Having your robots work-out?

TAMPO: Well, if they're going to assist me in my domination attempts...

TROGADOR: Tampo, I'm a licensed Defender. You can't tell me about this stuff or I'll have to bring you in. And I'm sort of starting to like you!

TAMPO: And I like you and your money too!

TROGADOR: Listen, I'm sorry about snapping at you just now. Can I make it up? Do a favor?

TAMPO: Well, you are a Defender...

TROGADOR: I'm not prepared to bend the rules of my-

TAMPO: No, no, it's just, you must be in-shape, right? And these failures...well...

{The camera cuts to some Jaros standing in a tire obstacle path.}

JARO: Hey did you see Access Hollywood last night?

JARO 3: Nah, I stopped watching that stuff when Stinkoman died. That was ridiculous...

JARO 2: It's even worse now, now that they had the funeral and everything...

JARO: Yeah, they were talking about him last night, and they had that pasty white guy that lived with him, his sidekick, Shut-Up or something on.

JARO 3: Scraping the bottom of the barrel, eh?

JARO 2: Yeah, he said his remains were accidentally mailed to a port in some backwater South American country. France, or something like that.

JARO 3: {angrily} You idiot, France isn't in South America! It's Australia, smart one.

JARO: Get out of here!

JARO 3: I know, right? That's what I said!

{cut back to Tampo and Trogador}

TAMPO: They're not very...talented. I think inspiration is the problem.

TROGADOR: Have you tried hiring a speaker?

TAMPO: Oh, Winner, no, don't even go there. I tried that back when Brody and Stlunko bummed here, so we had twice as many minions, half of them those infernal chickens. And the speaker had a PowerPoint presentation and it bored the chickens so they mutinied against him and held the building hostage, a PR nightmare...

TROGADOR: You have PR people?

TAMPO: Well, not after that, I don't.

TROGADOR: So you want me to rally your troops, is it?

TAMPO: If you could just do a couple laps through the training course to show them how it's done, that'd be lovely.

TROGADOR: Oh, sure, definitely.

{cut to a wide shot of the backyard. It is later in the day. You can see all sorts of the crazy crap Tampo set up - tire-paths, rope swings, slides, a bunker section, a small pool with alligators and barrels floating in it, a minefield, slides, and a hopscotch field. Dramatic drum rolls fill the air. Cut to the sidelines. Trogador is standing there, wearing a sweatband. Drew stands beside him.}

TROGADOR: I'm beginning to regret my choices....

DREW: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Trogador, you'll do fine!

TROGADOR: Yeah...I'm not sure. I mean, look at it: mine field? Alligators? Hopscotch?!

DREW: Mr. Trogador, you defeated Pluto in a fight!

TROGADOR: That was pretty awesome, I admit, but I had help from you guys too...

DREW: You also saved the future from Baron S!

TROGADOR: I'll be honest, I have no idea how I managed that one.

DREW: And you stopped The Revolution! You've saved the world three times, this is nothing!

TROGADOR: Yeah...yeah, I guess you're right, Drew, I can do this little obstacle course!

DREW: And we agree!

TROGADOR: We? Do you have a little spirit living inside of you, because I am not dealing with that crap-

DREW: No, we all came to watch you!

{Drew signals behind him. Kray, John, Clyde, and Master Z are all sitting in lawnchairs and on a blanket.}

KRAY: I reckon he'll get to tha' alligator pool 'fore ending it.

MASTER Z: Wise money's on the hopscotch field.

JOHN: You really think he'll make it that far? I'm afraid of him not making it past the ropes, they can't possible support him...

CLYDE: If everything goes according to plan, they won't.

JOHN: Clyde...Clyde, what are you planning?

CLYDE: Let's just say there's going to be a reception as a result of today's events.

KRAY: Yeh gettin' married? Winner, I feel sorry for the lass...

CLYDE: Tch, yeah right. I don't bother myself with that crap, too busy.

{Master Z scoffs. Clyde looks at him.}

CLYDE: What?

MASTER Z: Didn't say anything...

CLYDE: Yeah, keep it that way.

{Clyde looks away from him and then looks away from them all. He sniffles loudly and tears swell in his eyes. Cut back to Trogador and Drew.}

TROGADOR: Oh...Drew...well, you meant well. Thanks.

{A whistle is blown somewhere.}

DREW: Oh, that's your signal to get to the start! I'll leave you be, good luck Mr. Trogador!

{Drew flies back over to the other guys. Trogador walks over to Tampo who is standing beside a white line.}

TAMPO: Alright, this is gonna be real simple. Just make your way across the course as fast as possible.

TROGADOR: Well, that's original and fresh.

TAMPO: Shut up and get running!

TROGADOR: You didn't-

{Tampo blows the whistle.}

TROGADOR: -blow the whistle-

TAMPO: Go, go! Go!

{Trogador jerks sideways and starts to run to the tire path. He jogs through it, panting loudly by the end. He makes it to the ropes and latches onto one. It snaps off loudly, but he just flies over to the ledge. Clyde is heard yelling obscenities in the distance. Trogador gets in the slide and starts to go down it when it collapses underneath him. He screams and continues to fall through levels of slides until he lands in a bunker. He stands up and leans on the ledge for a second.}

TROGADOR: Let me...{huff} recollect myself...{huff}

{Trogador stumbles a bit and starts to climb slowly over the bunkers, jogging in between them. After a little while he makes it to the alligator pool. He stops to take a deep, shallow breathe, and jumps forward. Cut to the stands. A loud snap is heard and everybody winces.}

KRAY: {yelling, waving ticket in hand} C'mon, just bail, yeh tub!

DREW: All you're worried about is money? Look at Mr. Trogador!

JOHN: Treating that is gonna be a lot of fun...

{cut to Tampo standing at the finish line. Slowly, Trogador crawls across it. When he gets across, Drew is heard congratulating and cheering from the stands. Tampo sighs loudly.}

TROGADOR: So h-how did I {deep breath} do?

TAMPO: That was the worst performance I've ever seen of anything anywhere. Aren't you supposed to be in shape?

TROGADOR: {stumbles up on his feet} What are you talking about? Of course I'm -

{Trogador suddenly starts to wheeze very loudly. He smacks his stomach a few times and coughs up a bushy gray mustache.}

TAMPO: Um.

{Trogador kicks up a divot and places it lazily over the mustache. He looks threateningly at Tampo.}

TROGADOR: You didn't see anything.

{Mayorbot hops over to the other side of Trogador. Trogador turns around.}

TROGADOR: Oh...hi Mayorbot. Did you see me perform?

MAYORBOT: Yes, yes I did...I didn't know we had such a sucky Defender!

TROGADOR: What?! I wasn't that bad...

MAYORBOT: Au contraire, Trogador! That was terrible! You better get in shape before Stinkoman 2.0 is finished or you'll be out of work!

TROGADOR: You're building another Stinkoman? Why?

MAYORBOT: Because evidently, you seem to be running out of use for us...

TROGADOR: But the last Stinkoman turned out to be a drunk and a wreck and he blew up my house!

MAYORBOT: Yes, we noticed that there were some problems with his personality drive...but all of those will be remedied shortly, no need to worry. Speaking of, I have to go visit the robotics team now for a meeting...see you soon, Trogador!

{The camera jumps to Mayorbot's face, and his eyes form a glare.}

MAYORBOT: Or not!

{cut back to normal view. Mayorbot laughs and hops in the direction he came from.}

TAMPO: And you stopped me when I tried to kill him! Maybe if we had that Vicebot guy in office, you wouldn't be out of a job!

TROGADOR: I don't trust your opinions on public officials, Tampo. And hey, I'm not out of a job and I'm not going to be!

TAMPO: {laughs} Better get on a treadmill soon then, dragon!

{cut to Bubs's Wares. Bubs is standing behind the counter polishing a broken glass. Trogador walks up to him.}

BUBS: What can I get ya today, dragon? Wanna try the Bubs Malt Special?

TROGADOR: Not today, Bubs. You have a treadmill in there somewhere?

BUBS: Treadmill? Why'dya need a treadmill, dragon?

TROGADOR: Ehh, Mayorbot thinks I'm out of shape and my job with the city is on the line or something like that.

BUBS: Ah, you don't need a treadmill to get in shape, dragon! All you need is to go river raftin'!

TROGADOR: River rafting? I dunno, Bubs, sounds pretty dangerous and hard and stuff.

BUBS: No way, dragon, it's guaranteed to work! Look through your innybox, I bet the recipe to my Bubs Malt Special that there's an email tellin' you about it.

TROGADOR: Hmm...

{Trogador takes out the TrogPilot and clicks through it a few times.}

TROGADOR: Well what do you know?

Have you ever been river rafting?

BUBS: See, Bubs knows what he's talking about! River rafting is recommended!

TROGADOR: Well, I guess I could try it...is there some sort of club or something in the city?

BUBS: Not a club, per suh, but more of a league. I got a guy in there who owes me a favor, dragon, I can get you a spot in it today!

TROGADOR: That'd be awesome, Bubs, thanks!

BUBS: Transition!

{cut to Trogador river rafting with some Astromunds. There is no noise being made at all.}

NARRATOR: And so Trogador began his river rafting career. Sure, things were hard to adjust with at first, but no time at all passed and Trogador was suddenly at the top of the game. He was the biggest rookie the sport had ever seen.

{cut to Trogador standing at a podium, wearing a gold medal. He is talking. It is still silent.}

NARRATOR: Yes, Trogador boosted his celebrity status even more with his latest venture. The email show increased ratings ten-fold, and his status as Defender of Challenge City...well...

{Trogador walks away from the podium and reporters swarm him. An Astromund wearing a jacket steps in front of them and pulls a gun out, aiming at Trogador. Trogador grabs him by the arm, flicks the gun away, throws the assassin up, and smacks him with his tail. He goes flying off into the distance and the reporters all clap.}

NARRATOR: Trogador had no need to worry about that one. Yes, things were working out for Trogador after all...

{cut to Saargtsson's Office. It is mostly stone and gray, but there is a decorative lava river and lava lamp-like pillars. Filing cabinets line the walls and a stone desk is off to the right. Saargtsson slithers in from the right, talking on a phone.}

SAARGTSSON: What do you mean, you got caught?! You're sssupposssed to be the bessst assasssin in town!

{Chatter is heard from the other end.}

SAARGTSSON: "That'sss Sssticklyman"? I've never even heard of thisss Sssticklyman!

{Saargtsson throws the phone in a rage and hisses loudly. He goes over to his desk and pulls out a phonebook and starts flicking through it.}

STICKLYMAN: {voice} Looking for someone?

{Saargtsson jumps and looks around.}

SAARGTSSON: Ahh what the- ssshow yourssself, fiend!

{Sticklyman steps out from behind one of the pillars. He walks towards Saargtsson, extending a hand.}

STICKLYMAN: Oh, well, that's awfully rude. {puts hand at side} I couldn't help but overhearing you needed my services.

SAARGTSSON: How...how did you get in? What are you doing here?

STICKLYMAN: Well, to answer both of your questions, we assassins monitor each other's business quite closely, to get an upper hand if we need to. And I couldn't help but notice you'd been cycling through quite a few of us lately....it was only a matter of time before you looked into {brushes dust off shoulder} the best Challenge City can offer.

SAARGTSSON: Wait. You broke into my complex on a whim?

STICKLYMAN: And I didn't leave a single trace.

SAARGTSSON: Well, that sssettlesss it, you're - wait.

STICKLYMAN: Why the hesitation?

SAARGTSSON: What do you charge?

STICKLYMAN: {chuckles} Now, this might seem a little steep...

{Sticklyman pulls out a piece of paper and shows it to Saargtsson. Saargtsson's jaw drops as low as it can.}

STICKLYMAN: ...but I assure you, what I offer is well worth the price.

SAARGTSSON: Sssteep? Sssteep? Thisss isss a month'sss worth of crunch dealsss! And I have {glances down} better....thingsss....to ssspend money on...

STICKLYMAN: Looking for a voice transplant, I take it?

SAARGTSSON: {angrily} How dare you insssinuate! I...I...well, I have been sssaving up for one...asss a possibility, you know, jussst sssomething to -

STICKLYMAN: I think a swarthy Latino would be good for you, myself.

SAARGTSSON: My thoughtsss exactly!

STICKLYMAN: Listen, sir. I've never failed a job before - that's how good I am. But you're Saargtsson. The mere whisper of your name commands respect, from the Lava Zone to the Pink Cloud Zone. You're feared, and I like that in a client.

SAARGTSSON: {shocked} I...I am?

STICKLYMAN: Quite. Many of the other assassins I've worked with would literally kill to have a job with you. So...if the mighty Saargtsson doesn't want to pay fully for my services...

SAARGTSSON: Nonsssenssse! I am the mighty Ssargtsson, I can afford anything there isss! Where do I sssign?

STICKLYMAN: Glad you're seeing it that way, on the back.

{Saargtsson flips the paper over, takes out a pen, and signs it. He then hands it back to Sticklyman.}

STICKLYMAN: Well, Saargtsson, I must say...

{Sticklyman pulls out a small, black cylinder.}

STICKLYMAN: ...I've been thinking this "Trogador" has held his position for far too long.

{A red laser shovel comes out of the handle.}

STICKLYMAN: It'll be a pleasure doing your business for you.

{Saargtsson turns around and goes to his desk. The camera closes up on him slightly.}

SAARGTSSON: Sssay, Sssticklyman, you want a -

{Saargtsson turns around. The camera is normal again. Sticklyman is nowhere to be found.}

SAARGTSSON: Well, the guy'sss got ssstyle, that'sss for sure.

{cut to Trogador walking down a hallway in The Warehouse. Reese is walking beside him.}

REESE: ...and then there's that thing with the inner city kids as your 1 PM.

TROGADOR: Hold up, inner city? I don't...like...the inner city...

REESE: Don't worry, that was in paranthesis. It's a soundstage in City Hall and they're actors, it's for a promo video.

TROGADOR: Oh, okay then. Phew! Thought today was gonna be dangerous...

CLYDE: {voice} Hi-ya!

{A spear comes flying at Trogador. Trogador effortlessly catches it and bends it. Clyde hovers over and looks angry.}

CLYDE: {angrily} Hey! Do you know how much that cost me?

TROGADOR: Why are you trying to kill me, Clyde? What did I ever do to you?

CLYDE: Got us stuck in a freezer for a year!

TROGADOR: That was you!

CLYDE: Oh, yeah, it was. Well, I moonlight as an assassin sometimes, remember? And you're hot on the market. Everybody wants your head on their mantel.

REESE: {smacks Clyde} What are you doing?!

TROGADOR: {grabs Reese} No, it's okay, Reese, really! People are bound to be after me. Comes with the job, you know.

CLYDE: Yeah, well, you've put every b-list hitman in the joint. I'd start worrying if I were you.

TROGADOR: Nah, Clyde, I don't think I have anything to worry about.

{The camera suddenly changes to that of a scope. Trogador is seen talking through a window in the scope's view.}

TROGADOR: I've faced a lot worse, remember?

{Cut to Sticklyman adjusting a sniper rifle on a rooftop, looking through it.}

TROGADOR: {voice} What's one assassin going to do to me?

{Sticklyman puts his hand on the trigger and starts to push the trigger down. He pauses for a second, sighs, and takes it off. He steps back from the rifle.}

STICKLYMAN: No, no, that won't do....gonna have some fun with this one, yes...

{Sticklyman pulls a shotgun out of his invisible backpack and puts the rifle back in. He whistles as he does this and jumps down. Cut to The Living Room. Kray and Master Z are watching television. Trogador walks in.}

MASTER Z: Ahh, there's the man of the year! Trogador, world-class river rafter and Defender of Challenge City!

TROGADOR: Wow, Z, thanks! I guess I am pretty awesome!

MASTER Z: {smacks Kray's head} Told you!

KRAY: Ah, well, ah'm not payin' a cent...

MASTER Z: Oh, I just wanted an excuse to hit you.

TROGADOR: Wait, what did you tell him?

MASTER Z: That all of this newfound media attention has been getting to your head, and your ego has grown dramatically, of course.

TROGADOR: What? That's not true, I'm the same Trogador I was before I got even more famous!

MASTER Z: That's a clever joke!

TROGADOR: {defensively} How have I changed, huh?

MASTER Z: {counting on fingers} You walk differently, you talk differently, namedrop celebrities, spend your time staring into mirrors -

TROGADOR: {angrily} You said you wouldn't tell!

KRAY: The man's got a point, Trog.

TROGADOR: Tch, okay! You're all just glib, that's so - so glib. I pay for the roof over your head and your meals, so if you don't like it, you can just go -

{Gunshots ring out. The lights flicker off for a second and then flicker back on. Everybody looks worried.}

TROGADOR: What the -

KRAY: {throws a couch cushion at trogador} Shh!

{Everybody looks around. The faint sound of stomping can be heard, and then a few more gunshots. They all look up.}

TROGADOR: {pointing upwards} It's coming from up there.

KRAY: Should we follow it?

MASTER Z: {worried, looking concerned} No, no! Trogador, I'd recognize those gunshots any day...you need to run, and fast!

TROGADOR: Relax, Z, I'm fine.

{Trogador starts to walk across the room. Master Z gets up and steps in front of him.}

MASTER Z: You don't have any idea what you're doing! I do, and you need to listen to me!

TROGADOR: Listen, Z, if it bothers you so much, you can come with me.

MASTER Z: {nervously} Well...alright, I'll do it.

{Master Z pulls out a small hilt and a green sabre pops out of it. Trogador turns to Kray.}

TROGADOR: Go seal the stairs for me, Kray, and make sure Tampo's alright.

KRAY: Aye.

{Kray gets up and walks in the opposite direction from Trogador and Master Z, who also walk away. Cut to a dark hallway. A light is hanging from the ceiling, flickering and with bullet holes in it. Gunshots ring out. Trogador and Master Z are quietly walking down the hall. Trogador stops at the light.}

TROGADOR: So why are you so worried about this guy, whoever he is?

MASTER Z: I've done....business with him before, when I was a different person...and he's dangerous. I've seen what he's capable of, and it's not aesthetically pleasing.

{Trogador looks down the hall.}

TROGADOR: {pointing} It's coming from that door.

{cut to a large white room with crates stacked and lining the walls. The door is slightly open. Trogador slips in through it, with Master Z following. He is looking up at the ceiling, taking in the surrounding.}

TROGADOR: Oh, Z, look!

{The camera cuts across the room where John, Clyde, and Drew are tied up and gagged. John looks angry and Drew is yelling something, but it only comes out as garbled mumbles. Trogador runs over and cuts open their ropes. He takes the socks out of their mouths and stands them up.}

TROGADOR: Well, we have the hostage situation solved!

JOHN: Trogador, you idiot, run!

TROGADOR: What?

{Sticklyman leaps from behind the three and kicks Trogador in the face. Trogador stumbles backwards, rubbing his jaw.}

TROGADOR: What the-

{Sticklyman grabs Trogador's shoulder and chops on his neck. He punches him several times in the face and shoves him forward, making him fall on his back. He spits out a tooth.}

TROGADOR: {looking at the tooth} Seriously?! {looks at Sticklyman, who is advancing closer} Why did you have to go and do that, man?

STICKLYMAN: I thought you'd put up more of a fight, give you a hero's exit...but I guess that'll have to wait.

{Sticklyman pulls out the laser shovel and looks at Trogador, but he suddenly looks up and gets distracted.}

STICKLYMAN: {angrily} You!

{Master Z walks forward, holding the sabre at his side.}

MASTER Z: That's right, it's me. It's been a while, hasn't it, Sticklyman?

STICKLYMAN: Oh, indeed it has...I thought you died? Some sort of Master S guy?

TROGADOR: Actually, he's the dead one, he exploded or something.

STICKLYMAN: Ah, that's a shame, he sounds like a great man. Too bad he never got to see you dead. You'll have to tell him when you meet him in Hell for me!

{Sticklyman swings the laser shovel and Master Z swings his sabre, blocking Sticklyman.}

MASTER Z: You know me better than this, Sticklyman. I'm not leaving without a fight.

STICKLYMAN: {laughs} It'll be your funeral.

{The two get into a wicked awesome sword fight. I don't know how to describe it so just imagine one in your head, there's all these "fwoosh fwoosh" and "vurr's" and awesome blocks and stuff. By the end of it Master Z gets Sticklyman off guard and cuts him a little on his arm. Sticklyman stumbles backwards, looking at his wound.}

STICKLYMAN: {looks up} Just for that, I'm gonna kill you last so you can have the pleasure of watching your friend die.

{Sticklyman kicks Master Z's hand, making him throw the sabre. He then snaps Master Z's arm. He yells in pain, and Sticklyman leaves him on the floor. He walks over to Trogador, who is still slumped agaisnt the wall.}

STICKLYMAN: Now, where were we before that albino so rudely interrupted us? Oh, now I remember...

{Sticklyman raises the laser shovel high and Trogador winces. A very loud slice is heard, and Trogador looks over to see Reese sticking the sabre through Sticklyman, who drops the shovel.}

REESE: That's my bread and butter you're messing with.

{Reese takes the blade out of Sticklyman, who falls to his knees. Trogador wobbles up and kicks him.}

TROGADOR: That's for my tooth, jerk!

REESE: Don't waste your breath, he's dead.

{Master Z lurches forward, obviously in pain.}

MASTER Z: He's...not...dead...

{Master Z's head falls to the floor and Sticklyman looks up at Trogador. Reese starts to back away. Sticklyman gets on his feet.}

STICKLYMAN: You think a sword in the chest could bring me down? Just for that, I'm killing all of you...

{Sticklyman turns to Reese and starts to run at him. Master Z raises a his other arm and trips Sticklyman. Trogador picks Sticklyman up with one hand.}

TROGADOR: Go tell your boss that you're done here for all of us.

STICKLYMAN: {angrily} I never lose!

TROGADOR: Well, get used to it!

{Trogador throws Sticklyman up in the air and whips at him with his tail, throwing him through the ceiling. Everybody runs towards Trogador, including Tampo and Kray from behind.}

TAMPO: What are you all doing with my house?!

TROGADOR: Don't worry, Tampo, there won't be anymore assassins coming around, I'm quitting the team.

REESE: What?! You can't do that!

TROGADOR: Do you want that guy to come back and kill you?

REESE: Oh, well, putting it that way, you can quit, sure.

TROGADOR: Great! Somebody take Z to the hospital, his arm looks broken.

CLYDE: And sounded broken! That was awesome.

TROGADOR: Yeah, that was pretty cool.

{Kray walks over and drags Master Z offscreen.}

DREW: So, Mr. Trogador what have you learned?

TROGADOR: I've learned that maybe too much fame is a bad thing when it comes to assassins!

JOHN: And maybe you'll be sure to keep your ego in check next time?

TROGADOR: Well, John, I guess I'll have to. I might be a god, but I'm not invincible!

{Everybody starts laughing. A few seconds in Trogador starts yelling in pain, his palm on his cheek.}

TROGADOR: Wow! That hurts!

CLYDE: Man up, toughie.

{Clyde smacks Trogador in the face and everybody but Trogador starts laughing again. The screen fades to black with a sitcom theme playing.}

THE END

Fun Facts

• The mustache Trogador coughs up is another reference to former castmember Peevesly, the poltergeist butler.
• Trogador using the word "glib" is a reference to Tom Cruise calling Matt Lauer glib or something one time. I don't get it either, don't worry
• "That's my bread and butter you're messing with" is a cleaned up version of the character Charles Ofdensen's signature line from the series Metalocalypse. Both characters are managers.