Nachomans Inspirational Dialogues: Keys to Better Lifestyles/ep1

Transcript

Part 1

{Cut to a flashy inspirational intro with scenes from previous episodes being played over a light piano tune. A female vocalist is heard.}

{We then fade into NachoMan wearing a suit and tie standing on a stage in front of hundreds of kids. He has a microphone and other cameras can be seen. A row of chairs is set up behind him. The music fades out.}

NACHOMAN: Hello, and welcome to Nachoman's Inspirational Dialogues: Keys to Better Lifestyles. If you're new to the show, allow me to explain. A couple years back, I looked around the world and saw what a mess it had become. Democrats, hippies, gays, all ruining the foundation of what America stands for. Well, not anymore. I've decided to go from school to school, across America, educating the children of tommorow for the leaders of today. Alright, let's begin.

{Cut to a different camera view.}

NACHOMAN: First, let me introduce my co host. Years ago, he was at a very low point. Smoking crack fifty times a day, doing heroin with blow up dolls. He was a mess. But I found this empty shell, and nursed him back to good health, and now he helps me go around the world and praise the lord. Let's have a round of applause for, NOID!

{The Noid walks in from offscreen. He is a tired wreck, and a trail of smoke is coming from his mouth.}

NACHOMAN: Noid, what do you have in your mouth?

NOID: {muffled} Jesus.

NACHOMAN: Well, okay then! Let's bring in our first shattered youth! Let's welcome, Molly!

{The crowd cheers unenthusiastically as a coked out teenage girl with a large belly and frizzy hair. Before sitting down, she coughs up several cigarette butts and then plops down on the couch.}

NACHOMAN: Molly, how are you?

MOLLY: {raspy voice} I'm 13, I've got a meth addiction and I'm having my third kid. How do you think I am?

NACHOMAN: I think you're feeling like a rattlesnake in a box of packing peanuts! But don't you fret little lady, because we're going to get you back to the American way! God Bless Ya!

NOID: Why dont you like, tell us your story

MOLLY: {holding back tears} I was only in fourth grade, when my boyfriend Timmy introduced me to weed... and before I knew it I couldn't go a few hours without a fix... I started experimenting with more hardcore ****, and then one day when I was passed out... OH GOD!! {bursts out crying}

{A cameraman named TheCHeese runs over to console her.}

THECHEESE: I remember the first time I got my girlfriend pregnant.. I was 6.

NACHOMAN: Now, Molly... Molly. Did you ever think when this whole thing began, that you were making the wrong decision?

MOLLY: A.. a little...

NACHOMAN: So why did you do it?

MOLLY: because.. I wanted people to like me..

NACHOMAN: WELL MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU GOT YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS AND SHAPED UP!

MOLLY: W-What?

NACHOMAN: The reason you are in this dilly of a pickle is because you've astrayed from the lord! And you know, there ain't no magic pill you can take to take the problems away! THIS IS LIFE. And if you haven't figured that out by now, then well I don't think you're cut out for this life, and you should go live in the loony bin!

MOLLY: Please help me, Dr. NachoMan!

NACHOMAN: Oh, you bet your sweet ass I'll help you! {licks lips} So anyway, before we do that, let's bring out your boyfriend!

MOLLY: WHAT??? NOT RICK!!

{A 7 ft tall Mexican man in a wifebeater and jeans walks in, carrying several guns and brass knuckles.

RICK: You sold me out!

MOLLY: Rick, I didn't mean it!

RICK: Ima hafta mess your face up!

NACHOMAN: Now you two, sit down! You can kill each other after the show!

{Rick pushes Molly out of the way and sits in her seat. She gets up and sits in the one next to his.}

NACHOMAN: Now, Molly, tell me what you want to do with your life. Tell me what direction you want to go in.

MOLLY: I'd like to graduate from high school one day... maybe go to a community college..

NACHOMAN: That's great and all, but if you're sitting on 16 pounds of baby, how are you ever going to do that??

MOLLY: Well, we were considering abortion..

NACHOMAN: WHAT

{NachoMan runs over to Molly and starts beating her. The screen turns to static. End part 1}