NachoMan Emails/2

Transcript

{Another episode begins. NachoMan is sitting on his couch, with a brand new laptop on his lap. He is typing for a while, until he notices the camera.}

NACHOMAN: Oh, hello. I was just installing some software on my new laptop. Yeah, I bought this thing with my Christmas bonus. Since I don't have any relatives or friends, I had all this extra money lying around so I thought... Yeah. I think I'll check my email.

{NachoMan is feeling awkward, having confessed he has no real friends. He opens his email client.}

Dear NachoMan,
how bout dem 3rd gens
-good user

NACHOMAN: Third gen? What's a third gen? And what about the first and second gens? What are they? I must research this.

{NachoMan opens up a second tab, and goes to Wikipedia. He loves Wikipedia. He spends hours searching it.. talking to it... He looks up Gen. He finds no results.}

NACHOMAN: Hmm, curiouser and curiouser! What kinds of gens do I know of? Hmmm... I'll need a dictionary.

{NachoMan gets up and goes to his book shelf. He pulls out a dusty dictionary. It is dusty because it has been so long since he has needed to use one, what with the advent of the internet in recent years. He flips to the G's.}

NACHOMAN: Hmm... Genocide? Are you talking about genocide? I can only assume you are talking about the Third Genocide.. I'll need to do a little more research if I want to answer this email correctly.

{NachoMan looks up The Third Genocide. He finds a page on Wikipedia. Heh, he went in a complete circle. He sees that in the Third Genocide, 10's of thousands of people were slaughtered brutally by an oppressive dictator.}

NACHOMAN: Oh my god! This is terrible! I had no idea such things existed in such a modern time.. We have come so far in technology, and yet man still finds reasons to settle their disputes with gunfire... When will we learn?

{He gazes out the window. A soft violin can be heard. He sees traffic wooshing by, children skipping in the playground.}

NACHOMAN: The fools.. How can they act like this when they know, THEY KNOW, there are people suffering? You may be able to put it out of sight, but you cannot put it out of mind forever. If you do not act against such oppression, how will these problems ever be solved? With more violence? You are only pouring gas onto the flames! Disputes need to be solved with words!

{NachoMan stares at his expensive laptop..}

NACHOMAN: This laptop... It is a symbol of greed! {NachoMan grabs the laptop and chucks it out the window. It lands in his yard, still intact. A family of four walks up, and stares at NachoMan, who is infuriated.}

NACHOMAN: Take it! Take it away from here! I don't want to see it! I don't want these possessions! TAKE THEM ALL!

FATHER: How much are you selling it for?

NACHOMAN: I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY! MONEY IS ONLY THE FUEL FOR VIOLENCE! WHEN YOU ELIMINATE ANY FORM OF CURRENCY, YOU ELIMINATE THE POWER HUNGRY MEN! BUT YOU NEVER WILL! WE WILL NEVER LEARN.

{NachoMan grabs a tank of gasoline and starts pouring it onto his house, and all of his things. He then grabs a lighter and torches it, causing his body to erupt in flames. He runs out of the house, screaming in agony!}

NACHOMAN: I HAVE FELT SUFFERING! I HAVE FINALLY BEEN GIVEN WISDOM TO FEEL SUFFERING! OH, GOD! THE PAIN!

{A fire truck runs up, and douses NachoMan in water. The flames are extinguished. His skin is charred and black.}

NACHOMAN: {crying} No! Put me back in the fire! I don't want to live! Not in this world, or any other! Put me back!

FIRE FIGHTER: It's okay sir. We're going to take you to a hospital! You'll be okay!

NACHOMAN: NOO! {he pulls out a bottle of pills from his pocket and swallows them. He then gets a container of whiskey and downs that as well. His sobs turn into short gasps for breath until he finally passes out, in an eternal sleep.}

Fun Facts

• This email takes place in an alternate timeline where NachoMan is an insane well meaning man. The real emails will follow shortly.
• NachoMan uses a Dell 1525 Special Edition.