Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/Spirit/1

Fifteen-year-old Kalico Kitsonu

SKUB: Oh okay you're fucking kidding me

ran down the sidewalk,

CHWOKA: Hey guys, let's count off the small injustices against grammatical structure! I'll start!her

black hair flailing behind her,

CHWOKA: and her

black school bag clasped tightly in her hand.

NACHOMAN: Her black military boots collided hard against the conformist concrete of the world around her. Her black clothes reflected her black heart, blackened by society. Black.
CHWOKA: Once you go black, you never go back.
SKUB: And just to spit in the face of mainstream society she drew animes on her backpack in sharpie.

"God, first day of school here and I'm already," she checked her watch for the third time since she'd left her house, "Twenty minutes late!"

BLUEBRY: dont worry thats what i do {breaks the rules all day every day}
NACHOMAN: bluebry your riffs are really hit or miss and when they miss they miss

She turned the corner and saw the school gates,

CHWOKA: Gates?

then slowed down and sighed in relief.

BLUEBRY: "Close enough," she said, and had school where she was standing.

She'd made it! Smoothing out her black tank top and straightened

CHWOKA: straightening

her dark blue shorts, she walked towards the building.

SKUB: Was her sailor suit dirty or what

"If I'm gonna be late, I'd sure as heck not look like I ran the hundred meter dash."

CHWOKA: comma, lowercase s

She mumbled as she entered the office.

She walked up to the desk and was about to ask for her schedule

CHWOKA: Late start, extended lunch, and early release.

when a man in his thirties

NACHOMAN: dirty thirties

with dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes

SKUB: fff jesus christ "chwocolate brown eyes"
CHWOKA: And no mention of the skin color. Racist.

came up to her. "Are you Miss Kalico Kitsonu?"

"Yeah. I'm new here."

"Here's your schedule.

CHWOKA: Who is this guy?

I'll

CHWOKA: I

assume you will find you

CHWOKA: r

first class alright

CHWOKA: easily or quickly

since it's only three doors down.

BLUEBRY: ...anyone else get that?

You can find someone to show you around from there. And don't worry about being late!" He said happily, giving her a kind smile.

BLUEBRY: "And from that moment on everything was perfect always."
SKUB: don't stand so close to me

'Man, it's not normal for someone to be that happy, especially at work and this early in the morning.'

BLUEBRY: "Maybe he can get me some sweet hookups."
NACHOMAN: "Oh, can I get my schedule please?"
CHWOKA: "And who are you?"
NACHOMAN: "Oh my name is Kalico Kitsonu, I'm from Japa-"
CHWOKA: "Faaaaaaaaaaag."
NACHOMAN: "Can you just tell me where my first class is?"
CHWOKA: "Nope. Go get me a cup of joe, maybe then we'll talk."

She thought. 'But then, this may not be so bad."

SKUB: What is- does anybody notice the quotation marks
CHWOKA: Yes. According to bad writers, apostrophes are what you use to denote thoughts. This is not true, not true at all.
SKUB: okay chwoka we get it you want to have dirty sex with grammar just shut up already

Kalico looked at her schedule and inwardly grimaced at her first class. 'English. How boring!'

SKUB: "I don't see why Japanese isn't a required class"
BLUEBRY: "I can't wait until 'Anime and Public Policy' 2nd period."

She walked down the hallway and sure enough, her English room was three doors away from the office.

NACHOMAN: Her suspicions that the man had been telling the truth had been confirmed.

'I'm lucky it's not a big school.' She began to feel more and more nervous as she neared the door. In fact, she was so nervous that she tripped over her feet as she was opening the door and fell, very ungracefully, into her English room.

SKUB: what a baka

Danny yawned

CHWOKA: Wait, what happened to Kalico?

as his English teacher, Mr. Beaux drawled on about themes and literary analysis.

CHWOKA: Maybe if the writer actually listened to what her English teacher was saying, this wouldn't exist.
SKUB: Well she needs the lessons to be written in katakana as well as romaji

Danny sighed and began doodling in the margarine

SKUB: fghghgashghg

of his worksheet. He didn't really know what he was drawing,

BLUEBRY: dicks

but it was the only was

CHWOKA: THE ONLY WAS WAS NOT WAS
SKUB: was not was

he could possibly

SKUB: walk the dinosaur

stay awake.

NACHOMAN: excuse me what happened to the story about the gir--

SLAM!

A large book fell down on Danny's desk. He nearly jumped out of his seat.

CHWOKA: I mean, damn! Right out of yo seat.

"Mr. Connor,

SKUB: "you are very good at drawing penises"

I have called your name five times. Would you care to show us what you are so interested in?"

CHWOKA: "Cocks, mostly."

Mr. Beaux said, then grabbed the worksheet and held it up so the class could see his picture. The picture was of a girl his age with dark eyes and hair.

SKUB: I'm more into the chemo girls but whatever floats-u your boat-u

'Never seen anyone like her. I guess I'm really bored.' Danny thought.

CHWOKA: I draw people I don't know all the time. Don't even think about it.

He shrugged it off, but quickly did a double take as a girl resembling his picture came into the room.

SKUB: iT iS mOtHeRfUcKiN aStOuNdIn AlL tHeSe MiRaClEs
NACHOMAN: how do you talk like that
CHWOKA: you even used the exact color. nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.
SKUB: it's like, you gotta strain your voice to get it right, it's like doing an accent

Actually, she tripped into the room and fell on her face,

BLUEBRY: holy shit she's right there its like that episode of house

but those weren't the details he was looking at.

CHWOKA: He was looking at her boobs.

Kalico sat up and rubbed her head.

NACHOMAN: a blizzard of dandruff coated the room

She felt twenty-six pairs of eyes on her as she got up and dusted herself off.

BLUEBRY: "She was very dusty because she had been put into a coma from the fall and had just awoken 27 years later."

Her face turned a deep red, not sure how to react to the staring.

BLUEBRY: my cousin told me you gotta beat the first person you see
SKUB: You gotta pick a bitch

The eyes of the class flickered from looking at her back to a picture held in the teacher's hands every few seconds.

SKUB: fuckin' uguu~

Mr. Beaux cleared his throat and gave Danny back his worksheet. He went back to his desk at the front of the room and looked over his attendance sheet. "You must be Kalico Kitsonu." He said, pronouncing her name 'Callyco'.

SKUB: kalico-vision

"Yes, and it's pronounced 'Calihco',

CHWOKA: Cali{chokes}o

sir." She corrected him.

SKUB: all these fuckin gaijin...... whay must i be curesed

Her voice sounded small even to her. The class had seemed to snap out of their daze

CHWOKA: SCHOOL DAZE

by now and whispers were quickly spread.

"Did you see the resemblance between the picture and that girl?

CHWOKA: who talks like this

"I've never seen her before. Is she new?

CHWOKA: who talks like this

"She's pretty cute!"

CHWOKA: who talks like this

"I wonder where she's from. That's a strange name."

BLUEBRY: nippon!~
SKUB: gaijins

"Danny, do you know her or something?" Danny had no time to answer before Mr. Beaux cleared his throat again. The students thoughtfully ignored

CHWOKA: But the waqy you ignore people is by NOT thinking about it.

him and continued talking. "Shut your mouths

CHWOKA: but i'm just talkin' 'bout shaft

so she can introduce herself!" he bellowed.

CHWOKA: "EVERYBODY HAS TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE NEW GIRL, THAT'S AN ORDER!"

The class fell silent, staring at Kalico.

"Uh… Hi. My name is Kalico Kitsonu, but you can call my Kali if you want. Uhmmm." she mumbled as they continued to watch her. 'What do they want me to say? I'm an alien from outer space here to help plan an invasion?'

BLUEBRY: called it

A boy next to Danny raised his hand.

"Yes, Andy?"

Andy stood up and said, "Where did you move from?" Kalico smiled.

"I was born in Japan.

BLUEBRY: what a shocker

I moved from there when I was nine to Canada for a few years, then moved here a few days ago." A girl in the front raised her hand, but didn't wait to be called on. "Do you play any sports? What are your hobbies? Do you-"

"Jenni! Please, one question at a time."

CHWOKA: "Man, screw teaching English today! Let's spend an entire class paying attention to the new girl. The Grapes of Wrath can wait, damn it!"
SKUB: Oh yes it can, fuck ugh

"I guess I like pretty much any sport.. I've been doing karate and archery for a while.

NACHOMAN:That's really interesting but we--

As for hobbies. I like

NACHOMAN: Yes you can sit down now we really must go on with our lesson

cooking and shopping." Kalico relaxed. 'This isn't so hard!' The remaining class period consisted of the students asking Kalico questions.

BLUEBRY: instead of, you know, learning
SKUB: "it's so hard being the new anime, but i will try to adjust"

Well, everyone except Danny bombarded her with questions. 'I feel like I know her, but that's not possible.' He thought. 'She sure is fitting in quickly, though.'

BLUEBRY: ...oh my god it's just like twilight. not that i read it.
BLUEBRY: not that i don't dream of,
BLUEBRY: edward's strong, firm arms,
BLUEBRY: around me,

Kali

CHWOKA: kalifornia
SKUB: knows how to party

walked out of the school feeling much better about her new home. Each class had been pretty much the same

CHWOKA: that is to say, entire class periods spent paying attention to her

except for gym.

BLUEBRY: "Instead of sitting at desks like in other classes, they made her stand and move around!"

They'd ended up having to play basketball inside because had started raining. She didn't mind the rain, but everyone else in her class seemed to think they'd melt like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz.

CHWOKA: I AM KALICO KITSONU AND I AM A UNIQUE AND PSEICAL BUTTERFLY
SKUB: psychic butterfly

Majority rules, so she was stuck playing the loathsome game of basketball.

BLUEBRY: she just said she liked any sport

She continued down the sidewalk and waited for the light to change. That's when three things happened.

CHWOKA: Not all at once, mind you. One after the other. That's how it usually happens in a story, yes, but please: allow me to explain things in the clunkiest way I can.

The first thing was a strange gust of wind that seemed to circle around her.

CHWOKA: She's going to Oz!!!!
SKUB: oh i am waiting for a panty shot

Second, a figure clad in a black cloak came out of the shadows. He held a scythe in each hand and was aiming for her head.

BLUEBRY: "Let me just put down one of these scythes so I can use the other. Just stay right there."
CHWOKA: Can you even really "aim" a scythe?
SKUB: That's why he had a scope on 'em. For aiming purposes.

Third, she felt herself being lifted into another person's arms. The man in the black cloak made a noise that sounded like a hiss as she was taken away by the other guy.

CHWOKA: > Be the other guy.
SKUB: Oh don't you give me shit for being a nerd Chwoka. Oh don't you give me shit.

Kali looked around as she was being carried.

CHWOKA: Except, of course, at her captor.

She was still on the ground but they were moving so fast that the houses blurred together. Kali immediately panicked and began squirming around in his arms.

CHWOKA: Wait, how big is this man and how tiny is she?
SKUB: answer: anime

He finally stopped when she managed to kick him in the face.

BLUEBRY: that tends to happen

Still very much afraid, she fell rather unceremoniously to the ground when he'd set her down. She sat stunned before her fear turned into anger. She stood up and stalked over to the man.

CHWOKA: He'd better get a restraining order!

He was about two inches taller than her and not very intimidating.

CHWOKA: but then how did he carry her and move so quickly

"What the hell was that all about?! You and that freak

CHWOKA: I mean, damn! You start a-doin' the freak!

almost gave me a heart attack! What kind of sick joke-" She was cut off by a finger gently being placed against her lips.

BLUEBRY: "The finger then turned into a tentacle because Japan."

She looked at him with a puzzled look on her face, and noticed his eyes for the first time. They were a golden-orange color, a complete contrast to the black hair she was now able to see.

CHWOKA: Hey Skub, do we have any barf bags left over after Records of Bell?
SKUB: There were bags?

She felt a familiar air about him, but she couldn't place it. 'Was he in one of my classes? He looks about my age.'

"Don't worry, this is no joke. I'll explain everything in a minute, if you'll follow me."

BLUEBRY: you'll explain what, why you played a damn prank?
SKUB: SAY IT
CHWOKA: VAMPIRE
SKUB: {hisssss}

He had a soft alto voice.

BLUEBRY: are we in glee?

His words were strong, yet gentle at the same time.

CHWOKA: SHOW DON'T TELL: Don't say that he talked in a strong but gentle way, write words that are strong but gentle! I mean, if you're going to do that type of shit anyway.

Slightly confused and curious, she nodded and followed his retreating form into a quaint little neighborhood.

CHWOKA: Then, she was taken into a back alley and murdered.

He headed towards a small one-story house. It looked like it hadn't been occupied for a while. It appeared to have tan walls, but it was covered by thick, lush vines that grew along the walls and fence.

CHWOKA: House of leaves.
SKUB: House of Payne.

Small white flowers blossomed throughout the maze of vines. There were willow trees along the perimeter of the house and she heard flowing water somewhere nearby. The garden was untamed; grass grew between the cracks of stone square tiles that were placed in no particular pattern on the ground. It reminded her of stepping stones in a stream; they were never in a straight, easy line, but made you hop from one to the next.

'The trees are probably for privacy.' She thought. The boy stopped at a small fountain in the mini backyard of the house. He sat down and motioned her to sit also. Kali complied and waited patiently for him to speak. For a while, the only sound was the soft flow of the water and the wind whispering to the trees. 'Okay, I'm in the backyard of a house I don't know, in a town I don't know, with a freaky guy who can run as fast a car. Nothing to worry about, right?' Kali opened her mouth to speak, but was silenced by his raised hand. 'Ah, he speaks.' She thought sarcastically, but showed no irritation.

{Snoring is heard.}

"I realize we didn't meet under the best of circumstances, so allow me to introduce myself properly." He said. Kali was still surprised by how young, yet confident and polite he sounded.

NACHOMAN: so if he's so warm and welcome to people why was it important that he wear a cloak and come after her holding two scythes

She nodded affirmative.

{And Chwoka just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.}

His name was what she was going to ask first anyways.

"I'm in the freshman class, just like you." He explained carefully and slowly, as if she were only a child.

NACHOMAN: she kinda is

'He had better not lie to me.' She though crossly.

CHWOKA: Though crossly, she was still open to new ideas.

'And it'd better not be a joke they play on the new kid.'

"My name is…"

CHWOKA: Who? My name is... what? My name is {ficka ficka} Kitsonu.
SKUB: Edawrd Culen.