(even if you aren't vegan)
Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/Records of Bell/30.6
Summary
It's Tracy's birthday, and we're having a party!
Guest List
Just add yourself.
Crossed out names are guests kicked out of/left the party.
- Bell
- Sarah
- MB
- Sephiroth
Lemon- Number Four
- Number Five
- Gilligan
- Zorax
- Jay
- Silent Bob
- NPP
- KP
- Chaos
- Heian
- Ryan
- Raiku
Transcript
{open to MB's living room. The cast is there, setting stuff up for the party}
IM A BELL:{pulls out a gift, hands to Tracy} I should give you this now, I suppose.
TRACY: Thanks! {rips open present, revealing a time bomb} ...What the f-
{cue opening theme. cut back to MB's living room}
TRACY: Say, how many people did you invite?
IM A BELL: Oh, a lot of people we know.
TRACY: ...Okay...
{the doorbell rings}
MATURE BLING: I'll get it! {runs over to door and opens it, revealing Sephiroth.}
SEPHIROTH: Hello guys! {Looks at camera.} About time I got a cameo.
{Lemon walks in, after a hangover when he was in the basement.}
LEMON: Hey Trace. I got you an Xbox 360.
{Number Four and Number Five walk in.}
NUMBER FIVE: Hey, Tracy!
NUMBER FOUR: {mumbling} You had to bring me back here.
TRACY: HEY, GUYS! What's up? ...Waaaaaaaaait. Number Five, you seem different. I thought you hated us!
NUMBER FIVE: Eh, you go away and you start to get homesick. What can I say?
NUMBER FOUR: I hate you guys.
TRACY: ...JESUS.
NUMBER FIVE: Sorry, he's still bitter about all that abuse Bell gave him.
TRACY: Ah. I see. ...Oh, hey, I just remembered something. Four, you remember that mushroom of yours I ate?
NUMBER FOUR: {mumbling} It wasn't even mine-
TRACY: Well, do you know where you got it? Because I need some more.
NUMBER FOUR: {mumbling} Well there's a guy named Mario you should see about that-
TRACY: Ah, whatever. I'm gonna go talk to Seph. {walks over to Sephiroth} Hey, Seph! What's up?
{A part of the wall explodes, creating a hole. Gilligan walks through it holding a grenade launcher and a present}
GILLIGAN: Not paying for that.
TRACY: Oh, hey, Gilligan! {walks over to Gilligan}
GILLIGAN: Hey, buddy! PRESENT FOR YOU {Gives Tracy the present}
TRACY: OH BOY {throws the present at Lemon. It bounces off his face, causing him to drop the Xbox 360 on his foot. The present lands on a table labeled "PRESANTS GOO HEER"} So... What's up?
SEPHIROTH: Wait, I've also got a present! {Pulls out the Hylian Shield.} You better like it, it cost me 300 rupees! YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY {BEEP} BLADES OF GRASS I HAD TO CUT TO GET THAT MONEY.
TRACY: SWEET {takes the shield, throws it towards Lemon. It ricochets off his head and onto the present table}
GILLIGAN: Don't you wanna know what mine is?
TRACY: Honestly, I wanted to open all of my presents at once.
GILLIGAN: ...JUST OPEN MY PRESENT
TRACY: FINE {runs over to the table, grabs the present, runs back to Gilligan} If it's porn, I'll snap your neck. {rips open the present, revealing it to be... AN ENVELOPE} ... {rips open the envelope, revealing... TICKETS FOR A HARUHI SUZUMIYA LIVE CONCERT} ...HNNNNNGH {heart attack}
GILLIGAN: ...I win.
{a Tracy clone walks in}
TRACY: So, what did you get m-{sees the tickets} ...HNNNNNGH {heart attack}
{another clone walks in}
TRACY: So, how did you get the tickets, anyway?
GILLIGAN: Umm...
{Flashback. A japanese man is walking along holding the tickets and smiling. All of a sudden, Gilligan jumps out of a back alley and knifes him. He steals the tickets and runs off. Cut back}
GILLIGAN: ...eBay.
TRACY: ...Oooookaaaay... ...I'm gonna go talk to Seph. {walks over to Sephiroth} Hey. ... So... Umm... Cheese? ...Whatever. Anyone not staring at nothing for no reason?
MARISSA: {not seen} We're almost there.
ZORAX: Yay!
{the front door opens, and marissa pushes zorax in, who's wearing a blindfold. marissa quickly locks the door}
ZORAX: The pool feels a lot more wood-like than I remembered.
{there are noises coming from the bathroom. Raiku comes out of the toilet.}
TRACY: ... {bashes head on wall} DAMMIT BELL WHY DID YOU INVITE THEM
IM A BELL: I hate you, that's why.
RAIKU: {To everyone but MB, Bell, Number Four, Tracy, and Number Five} Greetings earthlings. {To the others} Hello. {To Tracy} I got you something awesome. Guess.
ZORAX: {gets up, takes off the blindfold} This definatly isn't the pool.
TRACY: ... {bashes head on wall again, walks over to Raiku} Hmm... I don't know. A demon-in-a-box?
RAIKU: RAIKU: Actully... A SIGNED AUTOGRAPH FROM THE CAST OF THE JAPANESE VERSION OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA!
TRACY: I-Uhh-Wh-Hmm-FFFF-THANK YOU MR. MARY SUE PERSON
ZORAX: I'm off to find the pool. {walks up the staircase}
TRACY: Wh-There aren't any stairs in this place.
{the stairs fade from existence and Zorax falls to the ground. his head crashes through the floor}
ZORAX: "Water heater." That sounds like a pool!
VOICE: Water heater. I'm a water heater. These are water heater noises. I'm definitely not a man dressed as a water heater.
GILLIGAN: Did I mention the... BACKSTAGE PASSES?
TRACY: ...YAY
RAIKU: I EVEN CALLED THE CAST AND THEY ARE COMING HERE.
GILLIGAN: I... hate you.
TRACY: ...I-Wh-How-
{the door opens and a cardboard cutout of the cast falls in}
TRACY: ...OH HAHAHA VERY FUNNY RAI
RAIKU: I didn't plan cardboard.
GILLIGAN: Umm... I don't know if any of you know, but theres two guys selling fireworks to 10 year old kids in the front yard.
TRACY: ...Did you invite them?
IM A BELL: Hell no.
TRACY: ...Okay, I'll go check it out. {walks outside}
{cut to outside MB's house. Jay and Silent Bob are standing behind a table covered in fireworks]
TRACY: ...What.
JAY: Woah, Silent Bob! ...That guys head looks like a bong!
SILENT BOB: {Confused look}
JAY: Squint your eyes a little, man!
TRACY:{ ¬_¬ } ... {walks back inside} Gilligan, do you know these people?
NPP AND KP: {come in} Am I late?
TRACY: ...No, you're too early. Now, if you excuse me... {runs off to the wall, bashes his head against it a few times}
ZORAX: {struggling to get out of the floor} A little help?
NPP: Oh, here's my gift!
{gives Tracy a video of Mommy Fights}
GILLIGAN: Oh, I know those guys. They hang out in from my dad's mansion... for some reason. Their names are Jay and Silent Bob.
{Jay and Silent Bob appear inside}
JAY: Snooch to the nooch, party goers!
GILLIGAN: Oh, and thats their catchphrase. ...Wait, how the hell did you guys get in here?
SILENT BOB: {Pulls out a crowbar}
GILLIGAN: Ah, I see...
TRACY: ...Wh-
NPP: I broght the candy.......keep it away from me though!
GILLIGAN: Oh yeah, Silent Bob doesn't talk. At all.
NPP: I also brought a PS3!
ZORAX: {pulls the lever on his flotation device, causing the rings to go backwards. it cuts through the floor, and he falls. he comes back up with a piece of the floor around his neck} Nevermind.
TRACY: ...I'm pretty sure I know who these two are. {extends arm to shake Jay's hand} Nice to meet you, Mr... Umm... W-what's your last name, again?
NPP: I guess I'll leave. I don't get regonized.
{leaves}
JAY: Jay .J. Jayson! {Shakes Tracy's hand}
TRACY: ..That sounds like a lie. ...Ah, whatever. So, you're... Fireworks salesmen?
JAY: No way, man! Silent Bob and I are just doing that for money. Our real job is... being proffesinal loiterrers! {Pronounces it "loterours"}
TRACY: ...Huh. Say, do you sell pot, too? I ran out.
JAY: Silent Bob... bring out the inventory.
{Silent Bob lifts up a side of his jacket to reveal a lot of drugs}
TRACY: ...SWEET
IM A BELL:{notices the pot} HEY! {runs over to Tracy}
TRACY: Ohhhhh crap.
{the doorbell sounds}
MATURE BLING: I'll get it! {runs to door, opens it, only to be lit on fire}
HEIAN: Whoops. Butterfingers.
CHAOS: Okay, we're here.
TRACY: Hey, Chaos!
CHAOS: Hey, Tracy. What up?
TRACY: Not much. {walks over to Chaos}
IM A BELL: ...Okay, he's gone. Now then, how much pot will- {pulls out a $100 bill} a hundred bucks get me?
JAY: That my friend, will get you... ONE BAG OF POT. ...Hey, don't question how we do our business! Only the police can do that!
IM A BELL: Hmm... It seems I have underestimated you. {pulls out a roll of bills} So, does that mean one grand would get me 10 bags?
ZORAX: {goes up to bell} Oh, yeah. Marissa wanted you to sign this. {holds up a sheet of paper}
IM A BELL:{reading} I, Imothy Bellstrom, do hereby adopt Zorax. {normal} ... {rips up the paper}
ZORAX: Whoops, wrong one. {gives him another sheet}
IM A BELL: ...What's THIS one?
ZORAX: It's to be the mascot of some make-it-yourself kit. Can I have that paper you tore up back?
IM A BELL: ...Okay. {signs paper, picks up torn up paper, hands both to Zorax} Here.
CHAOS: So, Bell...Why the hell are we here?
TRACY: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY YOU STUPID GIT
CHAOS: If it's a party, then why is Raiku here?
IM A BELL: I hate Tracy. Why else?
CHAOS: You guys certainly have a good father/son relationship.
IM A BELL: He killed my wife and his mother. I think I have a good reason to hate him.
CHAOS: No, no, no. You can't hate him for that. He's a son. You can only hate him for simple things, like staying up past curfew and robbing banks. That's more of a reason to hate your best friend's dad.
RYAN: {crashes through ceiling} Hello!
TRACY: Bell, that was death-by-childbirth! I ha no control over that! Oh, and, hey, Ryan. What's happenin'?
SEPHIROTH: Chaos, I don't think you're the most suitable person to give advise about children.
TRACY: ... {pokes Ryan} ...Are you a cardboard cutout?
CHAOS: Shut up, Seph. I am a great father, and I use Adel as my example. I just got him off on a probation, and I reduced the amount of his chains from 72 to 64! If he keeps this up, he'll eventually be able to get that masking tape off when he sleeps at night.
TRACY: ...Compared to that, Bell's a GREAT father.
IM A BELL: Well, I DO buy you all that porn...
TRACY: That's true, but you still suck.
SEPHIROTH: Hey, Relax Man. Bell can't be that bad of a father.
TRACY: Oh really? Look who he invited! {points to Raiku}
SEPHIROTH: Ah. Alright, I eat those words.
TRACY: Also, he's been trying to kill me almost every day since I was born, up until I turned 21. From then on he only hated me.
SEPHIROTH: What? He doesn't even shower you in electronics and give you tons of candy a day? Does he at least give you money baths? Does he even buy you what ever car you want?
TRACY: Well, he DOES buy me a lot of porn... {warps up a 100-dollar-bill} ...and I can just create money.
SEPHIROTH: Porn is soooooo 1990's. I get my children real supermodels.
TRACY: Well, it's mostly hentai, but-Wait, you have children?
GILLIGAN: DUN DUN DUNNNNN?
SEPHIROTH: Yeah. You didn't know that? I've got 2 boys, and 1 girl.
TRACY: ...Huh. ...So, what are your kids' names?
SEPHIROTH: Genesis, Neos, and Palutena.
TRACY: ...Oooookay. ...Wait, how old are you?
SEPHIROTH: Technically I'm 58, but due to the effects of timetravel, I'm 22.
TRACY: ...Twenty-t-Three ch-DAMN YOU SEPH DAAAAAMN YOUUUUUUU
SEPHIROTH: What‽
TRACY: I'M FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN YOU, I'M A VIRGIN, AND YOU HAVE THREE KIDS
SEPHIROTH: As I said, Chronologically I'm 58.
TRACY: BUT YOU'RE ALSO 22 DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT {storms offscreen}
{awkward silence}
SEPHIROTH: .....Who made this Punch? It's delicious!
{everyone but Bell stares at Seph, angrily}
IM A BELL:{holds up hand(?)} High five, Seph!
SEPHIROTH: Damn, this is awkward. But seriously, who made this Punch?
IM A BELL: ...Um, Hasbro.
{zoom out to show Seph is holding a Punch/Counterpunch Transformer toy}
IM A BELL: ...Say, is that for Tracy? ...Okay, let's get him out of there.
{cut to outsude Tracy's room. All of the party guests are standing there with Bell and Seph standing closest to the door}
IM A BELL:{knocking on door} Tracy? Can you come out, please?
TRACY:{from room} NO! SHUT UP!
GILLIGAN: {Walks up to door} Let me handle this. {Knocks on door} Tracy? Come out or I'LL KICK YOUR ASS
TRACY: NO!
GILLIGAN: Hmmm... AHA! Tracy, I have Haruhi hentai!
TRACY: HAHA! I'M LOOKING AT SOME ON MY COMPUTER RIGHT NOW!
GILLIGAN: Damn! ...Hey, can I come in?
TRACY: THAT DEPENDS. HAVE YOU BEEN LAID BEFORE?
GILLIGAN: Does in the future count?
TRACY: NO BECAUSE THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET
GILLIGAN: Then no.
TRACY: OKAY HOLD ON
{the door opens, and Gilligan walks in. Bell tries to get in, but a brick flies out of the room, hitting him in the face. The door slams shut}
GILLIGAN: {From inside} Ahhhh, yeah. Now thats what I call art!
TRACY: Oh my, yes.
GILLIGAN: Oh, and also... TAKE THIS! {The door opens and Tracy is flung out of the room. Gilligan sticks his head out.} Tell you I'd handle it! ...Now I'll just stay in here for a while. {Slams door and locks it}
TRACY: ...YOU ASSHOLE! {runs into MB's room, locks the door}
MATURE BLING: DAMMIT, TRACY!
SEPHIROTH: Umm.... Dayum. Does he always go into a strop like this?
IM A BELL: Only when we mention sex, since he's the only one that lives here who is still a virgin.
SARAH: Let me try to get him out. {inhales} GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN ROOM YOU GODDAMN STUPID DUMBASS GODDAMNIT {pulls out pocket knife, jams it in the door}
MATURE BLING:{staring at the pocket knife} ...Was that necessary?
SARAH: ...Yes?
MATURE BLING: ...Whatever. Anyone else have any ideas?
{long pause}
IM A BELL: ...Apparently not.
SEPHIROTH: I've got one. {Gets out a bag, and then talks loudly.} WOW I WISH TRACY WAS HERE TO TAKE THIS ACID WITH US. TOO BAD HE ISN'T, EH BELL?
MATURE BLING: ...That's not gonna work. He knows I have some acid under my bed.
SEPHIROTH: This isn't normal LSD though. These are Sky diamonds. The strongest LSD ever.
{the door to MB's room is ripped off its hinges. Tracy exits the room}
MATURE BLING: YOU'RE PAYING FOR THAT!
SEPHIROTH: Ah, I see you've exited. Alright. {Gets out a diamond, and then crushes it in his hands.} However, the effects of this is intense. The things you see depend on your mood, and it had been known to shock people so much that it completely paralyzes them. Are you aware of the consequences?
TRACY: Yes. But I'm still angry.
SEPHIROTH: NOT FOR LONGER! {Throws the dust at Tracy.}
TRACY: ... {eyes widen, and then start glowing, and then become similar to the Hypnotoad's eyes} Duuuuuuude.
SEPHIROTH: Watch, as music has an effect on his behavior. {Gets out his phone, and plays this. }
{Tracy's eyes turn red. He starts getting angry}
IM A BELL: Seph, please. If you are going to play a Beatles song, at least play the original version.
SEPHIROTH: Oh come on, we're all outlaws. One of kind we are. Navigators, We're Radiators, Eatin' Taters, Alligators, Bombardiers, we've got no fears, we got no tears, we're pushing the frontiers of transcendental perception.
IM A BELL: Oh, God. {pulls out a different cellphone, and starts plays the original I Am The Walrus}
{Tracy's eyes turn back into hypnotoad-eyes. He seems calmer}
TRACY: Duuuuuuuuuuude. {starts glowing blue}
SEPHIROTH: I wonder what he's currently seeing right now.
{Tracy's head starts becoming humanoid}
IM A BELL: ...What.
SEPHIROTH: Whoa. The LSD mixed with his paranormal essence is making the hallucinations real. I can't wait until the horror phase.
{Tracy howls, starts growing blue hair all over his body}
IM A BELL: ...So he's turning into a werewolf. Great. ...What's supposed to happen next?
{Cut to everyone else, who has tweeds they never had and fancy fedoras on.}
CHAOS: We all leave and let you deal with the rabid Tracy.
{Everyone runs out the door, Chaos last, and he closes it. On the other side, they barricade the door with a rocking chair and run.}
IM A BELL: ...Ooookayyy.
SEPHIROTH: After the horror phase, he will forget the last few hours.
IM A BELL: ...Thank God.
TRACY: ... {explodes into a ball of fire}
IM A BELL: ...It seems you've forgotten that Tracy is not a normal human.
{Raiku comes back in.}
RAIKU Sup.
