Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/KPSRTV/Unused/TSCGS

Episode 1

O hai thar American Idol parody

CAST: {in order of appearance} Billy Mays, Cryptogamer, Clovington, Ninja Pom Pom, GripTalz, Simon Cowell, DMP, ShoomLant, Qressioxrew, Raiku, 4th Wall Policeman, Qafgssudpoit

Transcript

{open: a TV. One of those annoying Billy Mays Commercials is on}

BILLY MAYS:

CHWOKA: Willy Hayes Mays. Runs like Hayes, hits like Mays.

Hi, Billy Mays here with the TurboWasher 9000! {holds up something that looks like a bazooka with a dishwasher on it.}

CHWOKA: That's really heavy. Like, really heavy. And impractical.

It's great for all those stains the kids make with their Sharpies! Just watch {pan over to a wall with a bunch of scribbles on it} And now {pulls trigger. BM

CHWOKA: It just takes so much TIME to say "Billy Mays".

flies back, crashing into the opposing wall. The other wall is now spotless.} Ow, my scapula!

CHWOKA: Spatula?

But just look at that shine!

{cut to CG's living room, CG

CHWOKA: I

is here, with one of the baozooka-washers. This is from the TV's vantage point}

CHWOKA: "Angle".

CRYPTOGAMER: I know! {shoots washing monstrosity at screen. An explosion is heard.

CHWOKA: Not seen.

Cue opening theme. Afterwards, CG is talking to Clovington while figdeting

CHWOKA: Isn't Fidget a pokemon?

with a bazooka.}

CLOVINGTON: Are you sure that's quite safe?

CHWOKA: Amatuer.

CG: Dude, why should you care? You're like, indestructible.

CHWOKA: Like indestructible, but not quite.

CLOVINGTON: Good point. Carry on, governor!

CHWOKA: This is just... awful.

CG: Alright, firin' in three, two, one, and I'm pointing this at the ground, ain't I?

CLOVINGTON: Yep.

CG: {as he pulls the trigger} {bazooka's blast throws him into air} OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHWOKA: This is why we stopped saying that.

{Ninja Pom Pom walks in}

{both look up at hole in roof made by CG}

CHWOKA: Needs two lines.

NPP: Just got it?

CLOVINGTON: Yep.

NPP: Tell me when he falls down.

{leaves room}

{cut: a gray, rocky wasteland. CG falls down.}

CG: Ow, my humerus! Now where the- Oh FFFF.

{pan out to show that CG is on the Moon, and he is staring at Earth.}

VOICE: ŧ∫œ.

CG: What. The. Crap. {voice revealed to be belonging to an alien resembling a Nu with one eye.}

NU CYCLOPS: Ѷ€ℵΔ¤ω. {pulls out a slug}

CG: Oh what the f-AAAAH! {Nuclops puts slug in CG's ear.}

NU CYCLOPS: Okay, that will translate, and make things easier. Greetings, Earthling. My name is GripTalz. I have summoned you here for a contest. You see, every 40 million years, the sentient species of the Sol system gather for a contest. I am the representative from Pluto. Also here is a resident of Jupiter's moon, Europa.

CG: A Europaen?

GRIPTALZ: Yup.

CG: So, what's this contest about? Blowin' stuff up?

GRIPTALZ: Actually, we sing.

CG: Oh God.

NPP: {offscreen} Hey, CG.

CG: NPP?

NPP: {onscreen} Yep. I represent Pom World.

GRIPTALZ: Yes, the tenth rock from the sun. Anyhow, there are also judges here as well, one from each world. The-

CG: Wait, how long has NPP been here?

NPP: 'Bout {looks at wristwatch} 10 minutes ago.

CG: Oh. You were saying, Grip?

GRIPTALZ: There are judges from every world, too. They are Qressioxerw, of Europa, ShoomLant, of Pluto, DMP, of Pom World, and Simon Cowell, of Earth.

CG: Oh crap.

GRIPTALZ: Yes, soon Sol Idol will begin! Are you ready, fellow contestants?

CG: I guess... How about you, NPP?

NPP: Who's DMP? Oh, wait, I mean yes.

{sings "Eye Of The Tiger" perfectly}

NPP: Can I also do "Never Gonna Give You Up"?

GRIPTALZ: Well, that was good, for human dialect, but we have to get to the judges first.

{GripTalz leades CG and NPP into a crater, which is actually the door to a large underground stage. The judges are behind a table.}

SHOOMLANT: So, who's first?

{NPP sings "Eye Of The Tiger" again and "Never Gonna Give You Up"}

JUDGES:

SIMON: 6 (I'd say better, but I've got a reputation)

DMP: 8 (That singin is hawt!)

SHOOMLANT: 7.5 (pretty good)

QRESSIOXERW: 7 (Imma agree)

NPP: {while passing by him} Good luck, Superman's dog! {turns back to judges} DMP, your name stands for.....? Sorry, just never seen you.

RAIKU: Hi, I represent Hell.

NPP: So, who's the judge?

CG: Okay, one:That is so not a planet. Two, I'm tryin' not to break 1.6 with Simon around anyway!

{Suddenly, a guy that looks like the people in Pokemon that give you the download items appears.}

RANDOM PERSON IN A LEPRACHAUN COSTUME: O hai thar. I'm the Fourth Wall policeman. You just broke the Fourth Wall. Again. {hands CG a ticket, and dissappears}

CG: Aw, hash potatoes!

RAIKU: No, but Hell isn't a part of ANY planet.

GRIPTALZ: But this is a competition between the inhabited planets in Sol's system!

NPP: Cheese likes rickrolling too!

RAIKU: You will LET ME SING. {points gun-arm at GripTalz.}

NPP: I got Through The Fire And Flames on.

GRIPTALZ: Dude, I'm a freakin' contestant too, not a judge. Let me go or feel the wrath of Pluto.

RAIKU: Fine. {Points at Simon} You will LET ME SING.

SIMON: Oh, what the hell. Let him do this crap. Er, no pun intended by the swear.

{Raiku sings Welcome To The Jungle by Guns & Roses, then Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden.}

SIMON: 3 (Now that, that was hell)

DMP: 7 (Why didn't you do the one the Pom set up? With the Pacman?)

SHOOMLANT: 7.5 (Some people are afraid of that...you know.)

QRESSIOXERW: 6 (Becuase I can't judge)

RAIKU: {points gun} JUDGE AGAIN

SIMON: Of course, just sing again. But first, have some water so you won't be as hoarse. {holds up a glass of water}

{Raiku uses ice powers. and eats the ice. He sings "I Am The Walrus" perfectly.}

SIMON: Wait, shouldn't you be going into convulsions/exploding right now?

NPP: Do you get a cookie for participating?

RAIKU: Why?

NPP: Cause I want a cookie.

SIMON: What. The. {censored}. I gave that Protoman holy water.

RAIKU: Holy water doesn't do anything. BECAUSE I DON'T BELEIVE IN GOD. I AM A SATANIST.

CG: But what about your "Behind The Scenes"? You said you were-not that I believe you're telling what really happened-but you said you were Jesus's friend.

{the 4th wall guy comes in again}

4TH WALL POLICEMAN: O hai again. You br- AAAAHHH {Gets tasered by CG} DON'T TAZE ME BRO!

CG: DON'T USE STUPID MEMES BRO!

RAIKU: I don't beleive in his father.

{at this time, Qafgssudpoit, the Europaen singer, comes in.}

QASFGSSUDPOIT: O hi, sorry I'm lat-RAIKU.

RAIKU: QASFGSSUDPOIT. I remember you from High School.

QASFGSSUDPOIT: Yeah, you always got that Raggon guy to set my pants on fire.

RAIKU: {chuckles}

QASFGSSUDPOIT: And, when we all went back home for summer break, you froze Europa over with that ice-gun of yours. From that day on, I swore I would get revenge on that dumb Protoman, and his fellow Robot Master-lookin' friends that used to taunt me. Or, seeing as this is supposed to be a peaceful gathering, I might show you some mercy. What do you say?

RAIKU: First off, it's not a ice gun, it's a gunblade. Second, we have mercy UNTIL after the contest.

NPP: I haven't learned if I get a cookie yet.

CG: {facepalms} NPP, here's a chocolate-coated triple chocolate cookie. {throws it at NPP} Raiku, when we were in that parallel dimension, you said it was an ice gun. Or you stole an ice gun. Qafgssudpoit, GripTalz, SING. NOW.

{Qafgssudpoit sings Aquaria by Qazswert and the Silver Squid Band}

SIMON: 6.5 (Weird, but I didn't have to go through it twice.)

DMP: 7 (Psychadelic!)

SHOOMLANT: 7.5 (I think you've got a lot of talent)

QRESSIOXERW: 8 (I'm serious)

{GripTalz sings something indecipherable, apparently some kinda Plutonian death metal.}

SIMON: 5 ({picks up barf bag and turns around})

DMP: 6.5 (I like it)

SHOOMLANT: 5.5 (Just work a bit harder)

QRESSIOXERW: 4 (Why'd they hire me, again?)

{CG sings Toys in the Attic by Aerosmith}

SIMON: 5.5 (I AM SIMON. YOU ARE A BAD SINGER)

CG: Yeah, I know. {Wellfaces}

DMP: 7 (Why so quiet?)

SHOOMLANT: 7.5 (Ditto)

QRESSIOXERW: 6 (Well, everybody's sang, so, I'm out. {leaves})

{A voice comes out of a computer, after the judges input the scores.}

COMPUTER: AND THE SCORES ARE...

NINJA POM POM-POM WORLD-28.5

RAIKU-HELL, WHICH IS SOMEHOW A PLANET-23.5

QASFGSSUDPOIT-EUROPA/JUPITER-29

GRIPTALZ-PLUTO-21

CRYPTOGAMER-EARTH-26

AND THE WINNER IS... QASFGSSUDPOIT, OF EUROPA! SECOND, NINJA POM POM, OF POM WORLD, AND THIRD, CRYPTOGAMER, OF EARTH!

QASFGSSUDPOIT: {heaving up a large microphone-shaped trophy} Well, Raiku, it seems I've won. What now?

NPP: Do I get Guitar Hero: Metalica?

{Raiku pulls out destiny and aims.}

QASFGSSUDPOIT: Ah, you aim to kill me? You know that we Europaens have very durable and tough skin, due to our being imprisoned under ice for a near millenia. We've had quite a while to adapt. By the way, here are the second and third place prizes. {hands NPP check for a thousand dollars, and gives CG an odd object.}

QASFGSSUDPOIT: That, my friends, will allow you to go into video games.

CG: Sweet!

{Raiku grabs the device.}

RAIKU: Wait a second, IT'S A TRAP {throws it, it explodes.}

QASFGSSUDPOIT: Dammit, Raiku, I'm as honest to not you as much as you are a recolored Protoman lookalike! {Gives CG another contraption}

RAIKU: It exploded because it is made out of a deadly metal. Q here didn't know. CG, drop it before it detonates.

NPP: 'SWEET!' To the Guitar-Hero-buy-it-before-it's-released store!

{a lazor comes up, about to blow up the competetor's planets execpt the 3 main winners}

NPP: What's that?

QASFGSSUDPOIT: Well, not that I care so much for Raiku's but, cliches aside, we gotta go into the games to stop Pluto from being destroyed. Cryptogamer, turn the Game Key on.

CG: Whatever. {turns the on/off switch to the On position. A large portal swallows CG, NPP, Raiku, and Qasfgssudpoit. The portal closes.}

SIMON: Oh what the hell.

END EPISODE ONE!

Fun-style Facts

• Nu are creatures from the game Chrono Trigger.
• "the tenth rock from the sun" is a reference to the TV show 3rd Rock from the Sun.
• DMP's name is based off of rapper DMC.

Transcript

{open: Clovington is in a classroom. Drawings of a squid and a hermit crab are on the chalkboard behind him.}

CLOVINGTON: Hello class. To-day we will learn to differentiate between kraken, like me, and squid. Now, the one thing I hate more than stereotypical Brits on bad shows is people who think krakens are squids. We are actually hermit crab-like, with small tree-like algae on our shells, and external esophagi. So, basically, we are crustaceans, along with lobsters, and shrimp.

SQUATCHA: {Runs in and chases Clovington around} SHRIMP SCAMPI!!!! I WANT SCAMPI!!!!

CLOVINGTON: {simulteaneously screams very high-pitchedly.}

{cue opening theme}

{A bright blue light appears. Cryptogamer, Ninja Pom Pom, Raiku, and Qasfgssudpoit come out and end up in a grimy old cavern covered in blood, bones, and water.}

CG: Wow... Utarefson would LOVE it here.

NPP: How did we get here?

RAIKU: I'M HOME! Guys, I reconized this place. We are in HELL!

CG: Close, remember, we're in a game. But this place looks-pardon the pun- a heck of a lot like Hell. Judging by the blood, skeletons, freaky music, and giant skull shaped spider behind me {points behind him, showing a Skulltula} I'd say we're in the Bottom of the Well, from Legend of Zelda.

RAIKU: No, this is from the game Guardians Of Heaven, where you attack Hell.

CG: I'm pretty sure this is the Well's music, and I'm definatly sure there are no Skulltulas in GoH. {turns and pets spider} ISN'T THAT RIGHT MAH GEWD FRIEND?

{You see a demon. Raiku says hi, but it slaps him.}

RAIKU: I COMMAND YOU TO PERISH.

CG: ...LOL what?

RAIKU: MINION PERISH {The demon burns him. Raiku mauls it.}

NPP: No, we are defintly in Halo 3 where you destroy the towers, because this is the glitch cave I found.

RAIKU: No. We are in GoH.

QASFGSSUDPOIT: Will you idgits shut the crap up and listen to me for Pluto's sake?

RAIKU: {eyes glow with fiery anger beneath his helmet}

CG: Heh, that's funny because we're trying to save Pl... WHO YOU CALLIN' IDGIT?

QASFG: {pulls out a bottle of glue and glues CG's mouth shut.} Now will you people listen?

RAIKU: No.

QASFG: {glues Raiku's mouth as well.} Now, we are in the Game Dimension. Every game ever takes place in this realm. {pulls out a small green bottle and uses it to dissolve the glue.} Now feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

CG: Wow there were so many clichés in that description! And a few paradoxes as well.

QASFG: What you talkin' bout?

CG: Well, there's like at least two games I know that involve a) the world ending and b) ending the world is your goal. Ever heard of Sands of Destruction or Avalon Code?

QASFG: I...er...um... I PITY THE FOOL!!

CG: Yes. Yes you do... Wait what?

RAIKU: Q, pluto sucks. It's ice cold, and it has ugly penguins.

QASFG: Well, you see... I PITY THE OTHER FOOL!

CG: Besides, what can we- Oh yeah that thing from Dr. Muto and/or the Book of Prophecy and/or

QASFG: Both of you shut your- where's NPP?

NPP: {far-away} There is a giant hand over here- AAH!

CG: Oh damn those stupid Wallmasters.