Lex's Wikihood Redux Remake/eps/9

Summary

Months of terrible writing has taken its toll as the universe starts to collapse, taking episode 8 with it. The gang manage to save themselves by evacuating to Terra, and Tommyspud is no longer an Irishman.

Transcript

CHAOS: WELP GUYS, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE IN TERRA NOW

TOMMYSPUD: FINAL FANTASY 9, HONK HONK

CHAOS: HONK HONK

TOMMYSPUD: HONK HONK

CHAOS: HONK HONK

TOMMYSPUD: HONK HONK

CHAOS: HONK HONK

TOMMYSPUD: HONK HONK

{Sephiroth walks in.}

SEPHIROTH: Hey guys, what's going o-...

CHAOS AND TOMMYSPUD: HONK HONK

{Chaos and Tommyspud honk for 20 minutes. There isn't much plot lost, don't worry. Even if there was, it would've been forgotten by the next episode anyway. As Chaos is honking, he accidentally steps on a circle. It turns on, and a face appears from nowhere, and turns orange.}

FACE: Welcome, strangers. This is Terra. This room was built to record all the happenings. We all know our world is near an end. {Another face pops up, and the platform the circle's in moves to that face.} FACE 2: This planet was made By Necron, the exact opposite of death. The only inhabitant was Garland, and he fixed it up with his own resources.

{The same thing happens with a different face.}

FACE 3: One day, he was walking Terra, and came across a mystreious thing. A normal sized embryo of a human.

{And again with the faces.}

FACE 4: He took that Embryo and produced a Terran. The first to be born on this planet.

{Once again.}

FACE 5: Then, he made more. Most Terrans appeared as blond-haired humans, with long brown monkey tails. Most Terrans also lacked a soul. All except 3.

{They make it to another face.}

FACE 6: Kuja, Mikoto, and Zidane all had souls, and ONLY Kuja and Zidane had emotions. Mikoto was made to watch over all the other Terrans.

{This time, the face right next to them just lights up.}

FACE 7: Then, Garland made another Genome, with more emotions ansd fellings than all the others put together.

{Stupid face transition...}

FACE 8: His project name was "Project Thomas". He was started, then, Terra fell into this state of decline.

FACE 9: However, the day before the cataclysm, there was an accident.

FACE 10: The project couldn't have a stable soul. Something was making it fall apart, and there would be no time to fix it.

FACE 11: So, the ambassador from Earth, a man named Chaos, used the power of an orb, what we called, the darkness, to help strengthen the genome. It worked, and he was stabalised. However, he could not be complete.

FACE 12: The day after, the ambassador took the genome back to earth.

FACE 13: And now, nothing remains of Terra.

SEPHIROTH: Did anybody catch that?

CHAOS: HONK HONK

{The faces all stop, and the platform carries them up to the last room. Chwoka walks in.}

CHWOKA: Hey guys, I'm part of the old Wikihood, and I just wanted to see what was going-.. What the fuck is going on?

CHAOS: HONK HONK

{Chaos punches Chwoka in the face, knocking him over.}

CHWOKA: Ow. You poohead. Aren't any of you aware that the world is ending?

SEPHIROTH: I'm aware. I'm just ignoring it.

CHWOKA: That doesn't sound like a very good idea, I mean-..

{Everything begins to flash, turn to static, and melt.}

CHWOKA: So, this is the end of the universe. Never thought I'd see it in my lifetime.

{Everything turns to normal}

CHWOKA: What a cop-out! I mean, I'm happy and all, but-

{It turns back, and everything begins imploding.}

CHAOS: HONK HONK

CHWOKA: Okay, seriously. What is up with this guy?

SEPHIROTH: I think he's telling us to evacuate! To the Ark!

{Cut to the Ark. Everybody is onboard.}

ZNEX: So, this a good time to be getting some guy to piece the universe back together?

CHAOS: HONK HONK

ZNEX: Ummm, why do you think I keep talking about the creator of this universe? I'm talking about a guy from an alternate universe!

CHAOS: HONK HONK

TOMMYSPUD: HONK HONK

ZNEX: Ugh, I'll just do it.

NOXIGAR: Znex?

ZNEX: What is it, Noxigar?

NOXIGAR: Back home, I found this weird DVD. I think it belongs to you.

ZNEX: Weird DVD? Are you sure it belongs to me and not Seph?

NOXIGAR: Nah. It's not porn, so it can't be his. Here, let me show you.

{Noxigar takes the DVD out and hands it to Znex, who looks at it.}

ZNEX: "Secrets of the Black Widow Cult." Oh yes, this is mine. I was just about to call them, in fact. They're a bunch of guys I used to roll with back in my college years. We used to participate in all sorts of fun schemes. Murder, rape, kidnapping, you know.. All that.

NOXIGAR: Aha. Right.

ZNEX: Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.

{Znex walks into the bathroom}

SEPHIROTH: He's totally going to jack off.

{Cut to Znex in the bathroom, where he types a series of buttons on his cuff. Five Black Widow Cultists appear from thin air.}

BLACK WIDOW CULTIST 1#: So, the time has come, then? We're finally going to summon the Black Widow?

ZNEX: Indeed.

BLACK WIDOW CULTIST 2#: Well then, let us begin.

{The five black widow cultists go around in a wide circle around Znex, and then they thrust their arms up, setting themselves on fire. They don't express any pain. They chant in an ancient language and then thrust up their arms. Znex then thusts up the arm with the cuff on it and a beam of light emits up from the cuff.}

BLACK WIDOW CULTIST 1#: The words they speak are true.

BLACK WIDOW CULTIST 2#: We're all humanary stew.

BLACK WIDOW CULTIST 3#: If we don't pledge allegiance to...

CULTISTS: THE BLACK WIDOW!!

{Music starts playing. Cut to the others.}

SEPHIROTH: The fuck is happening?

CHAOS: HONK HONK

{The roof of The Ark is blown off by the sheer power of the cultists.}

CHAOS: HONK HONK

{The Black Widow cultists begin spinning around rapidly, like a record baby, right round, right round, until they all clash together and meld into a ball of light. The ball of light expands, and then opens as it's revealed to be a portal to another dimension. A giant fire-spider crawls out of the portal, and then proceeds to transform to a more humanoid shape. A gigantic ugly monster of a being, with four arms and four legs, eight eyes, and still on fucking fire. Also out of the portal come many more cultists, this time of an otherworldly origin, because fuck it I have no idea.}

CULTIST: ALL HAIL OUR GOD, ZHARANAVUKA!!

SEPHIROTH: This is Zharan-a-fucking-crazy, if you get what I'm sa-..

ZHARANAVUKA: SILENCE, MOTHERFUCKER. BOW DOWN TO ME, BITCHES.

{Cut to a montage looking at slow motion of the various characters' reactions, before fading out.}

THE END