Lex's Wikihood Redux Remake/eps/6 and 7

Summary

SEX BOMB

Transcript

{The episode opens back at Edgeworthington's mansion. Chaos is escorting Sephiroth, Shadow, and Noxigar upstairs.}

SEPHIROTH: Say, what happened to the other Sephiroth?

CHAOS: Oh, he got swallowed up by a plot hole. Try not to think much of it.

SHADOW: What exactly are we doing, anyway?

CHAOS: I'm visiting an old friend, and I thought it would be a good idea if you guys joined me in doing so. Why? If you don't want to, I can just go with the original plan of killing you. I have no issues with doing either, as I still get paid either way.

SHADOW: Hmph, fine. Lead the way.

CHAOS: Gladly!

{Chaos leads the crew through the hallway for a minute or so, until he stops all the sudden, taking time to observe his surroundings.}

NOXIGAR: Eh?

CHAOS: Man, this is going to be awkward.

SEPHIROTH: How so?

CHAOS: Can't you hear it? The sound of trickling water? It's coming from the door to the right. Come, this will be fun!

{The group walk over to a door on the right and open it, revealing some sort of bathroom where Edgeworthington is about to enter a shower cubicle. Luckily he has a towel around his middle.}

{Edgeworthington twirls around at the sound of the door opening to meet the group coming in}

EDGEWORTHINGTON: Bugger my butt and call me a biscuit. You got me at the worst time!

CHAOS: Ah, what can I say? Timing isn't a speciality of mine, unfortunately. This is, however.

{Chaos quickly draws a 9mm pistol out of his pocket and aims it at Edgeworthington.}

EDGEWORTHINGTON: Baby, what are you doing? This wasn't part of the deal! Our deal was for you to kill the finks behind you, not me!

CHAOS: Yeahh, I'm afraid that the deal has been altered. Somebody really wanted you dead for some reason. So much, that he offered me much more than you did.

EDGEWORTHINGTON: B.bbut.. How do you know that he wasn't trying to snake you out? Come on man!

CHAOS: Easy. He paid me on the spot, unlike you. You made a big mistake coming back here, Edgeworthington. You could've easily left the plotline with Enigma and Super Sam, but you insisted on staying, for some reason. And given how schizophrenic the plot is, you should've known that you were signing your own death warrant. Nevertheless, let's not dilly dally.

EDGEWORTHINGTON: So, that's it then? You're gonna ice me on the spot? Heh, I can't say I don't deserve it. Oh well, can you at least make it quick?

CHAOS: I'll grant you that, I guess. Get on your knees.

{Edgeworthington falls on his knees, and Chaos walks a bit closer, still holding the gun to Edgeworthington's head.}

SHADOW: Ugh, how brutal.

NOXIGAR: Will you get it over with, already?

CHAOS: Maybe Nobodies kill people without looking them in the face, but I ain't a fink, dig?

{Chaos smirks at Edgeworthington.}

CHAOS: Sorry you got twisted up in this scene, but calling hits on random people usually isn't that great of an idea. Especially when the person you're dealing with happens to be an evil sonofabitch like me. You know, where you're kneeling, it must seem like an 18-carat run of bad luck. But, truth is...the game was rigged from the start.

{Chaos fires two shots at Edgeworthington's head, killing him. He puts the gun away and turns to the others.}

CHAOS: There we go. Wasn't that a joy?

SEPHIROTH: I literally have no idea what's going on right now.

CHAOS: Oh, it's simple. The man I just killed? He was the one who put a hit on you guys. I just did you all a favour.

SEPHIROTH: I know that, but weren't you supposed to be killing us?

CHAOS: Technically, yes. And I was just about to do it, until I got a call from a friend of mine. For some weird reason, he wanted to keep you all alive at all costs... Hell, Badstar's death was bad enough for him, apparently. Also, he paid me double of what Edgeworthington offered.

{Sephiroth frowns at Chaos.}

CHAOS: Why are you looking at me like that for? Act lively, baby! I just saved your life!

SEPHIROTH: Ugh, what a pointless waste of time. Come guys, we're leaving.

{Sephiroth turns around, but Chaos teleports right in front of him.}

CHAOS: Whoa, whoa! Not so fast! You'll want to hear me out on this!

NOXIGAR: What more could you possibly want with us, Chaos?

CHAOS: I want to offer you guys something. Seeing as our business is technically over, you're free to say no, but if you allow me to explain, I think that you'll want in. Please? I won't take long.

SEPHIROTH: I'll give you thirty seconds to explain before we walk away and leave.

CHAOS: Right. I've been observing you all for quite a while now, and I must say, I am rather impressed. I've worked with Nobodies in the past, and I've also worked with Sharothians, and I've found them to be very formidable allies.. But working with two at the same time? This is an opportunity that I can't ignore! Would you three be interested in helping me with my scheme?

SHADOW: Scheme?

CHAOS: Yes! I couldn't help but notice how you all happen to be friends with Vindicator.

SEPHIROTH: So? What of it?

CHAOS: What of it? My boy, do you have any idea of who he really is?

SEPHIROTH: A strange man with a weird taste in clothing?

CHAOS: Well.. yes. You're not wrong there, I guess. He happens to be a former friend of mine, and I have some unfinished business with him.

SEPHIROTH: Can't you just talk to him? Why do you need us?

CHAOS: I wish it were that easy. No, I need you three to go back home and carry on with your day-to-day lives, while observing Vindicator from afar. Report to me every single little thing he does, and I assure you that you'll be paid quite handsomely.

SEPHIROTH: That doesn't sound creepy at all. Except for the part where it totally does.

CHAOS: It sounds bad, yes, but-..

NOXIGAR: Uou want us to spy on him? What kind of payment are you even talking about?

CHAOS: Every little thing your heart desires, my friend! Money, fame, power.. Heh, I bet there are loved ones that you wish to bring back as well, aren't there?

SHADOW: Maria...

CHAOS: If you do what I say, it will all become reality. So, are you game?

SEPHIROTH: I don't know...

SHADOW: WE'LL DO IT.

SEPHIROTH: Shadow!

SHADOW: I'm sorry, but I just have to see Maria again. Even if it means that I have to make a deal with an evil man like this.

CHAOS: That's great! You will not regret this one bit! In fact, you'll find me to be a highly pleasant man to be working with, I assure you! Before you go, there's a friend I want you to meet.

{A man walks through the doorway, dressed in a scribe robe.}

TOMMYSPUD: Aye, howya lads!

CHAOS: Noxigar, Sephiroth, Shadow. Meet Tommyspud, a long time friend of mine. He will be assisting you with your quest. I hope you find him as much of a pleasure to work with as I do.

SEPHIROTH: Aha. Yo, Tommyspud.

TOMMYSPUD: Aye. Nice to meet y'all. Before we exchange pleasantries, I just have to warn ya. I'm ain't gonna be travellin' with you three, lord no. I'll be providing you with.. backup support, meaning that you won't be able to gawk at me, but I'll definitely be helpin' out! If any of you lads need me, all you need to do is holler, and I'll be there before you can say "faith and begorrah!"

CHAOS: As you can see, he's quite eccentric. Fun man to be around.

TOMMYSPUD: Before I disappear, I just like to make a blessing. Here is to our wives, and here is to our girlfriends.. May they never meet!

{Tommyspud chuckles for a bit, and then fades away.}

NOXIGAR: Oh my.

CHAOS: You also have full clearance to use the Ark to watch Vindicator from the skies, if you need to. Like Tommyspud, all you really need to do is to summon it. So I assume you'll be off, won't you?

SEPHIROTH: I guess so.

CHAOS: Righio then! Don't let me keep you waiting! Hurry along now!

{Cut to the main corridor. Sephiroth and his gang are walking to the exit.}

SEPHIROTH: Does anybody even know what just happened?

NOXIGAR: We got roped into a shady deal with a Demon and an Irish Stereotype?

SEPHIROTH: That's what I thought. For a minute there, I was afraid that something actually made sense for once.

NOXIGAR: Are we seriously going to betray Vindicator?

SEPHIROTH: Sure, we're getting paid, aren't we?

SHADOW: MARIAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

NOXIGAR: Shut up, Shadow.

{After a minute of walking, they finally reach the front doors. They open them, to be greeted by the Ark, which has been parked right in front of the mansion.}

SEPHIROTH: This is the Ark? Nice.

NOXIGAR: It's beautiful.

SEPHIROTH: Noxi, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

NOXIGAR: Hmm? What's that?

SEPHIROTH: I propose that we forget about Vindicator, take this baby out for a spin, and pick up some sexy-..

{Shadow runs to Sephiroth and grabs him by the lapels of his shirt.}

SHADOW: DON'T YOU DARE. WE ARE GOING TO FIND VINDICATOR, AND WE ARE GOING TO REVIVE MARIA. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

SEPHIROTH: Oh fine. Kill joy. I wonder where Vindicator is, anyway?

{Cut to Vindicator in an alleyway with drugged-up homeless guys with stubbles and ungroomed moustaches}

VINDICATOR: DUCK! DUCK! DUCK! DUCK! DUCK!

HOMELESS GUY: GOOSE!

{Dr. Hobo rises from the group.}

DR. HOBO: IT'S TIME FOR A SANDWICH!

{Dr. Hobo grabs a boot and consumes it. Cut to the Ark interior. Tommyspud is sitting at the controls, drinking from a can of Pepsi as the gang walk in.}

SEPHIROTH: It looks even cooler on the inside!

TOMMYSPUD: Aye, quite a sight, isn't it?

{EDITORS NOTE: THE ORIGINAL PLOT MAKES NO SENSE AROUND THIS POINT, AND TRYING TO WRITE AN EXPLANATION FOR IT IS LIKE CLAPPING WITH ONE HAND. SO THAT'S WHY I AM CUTTING THIS SHORT AND SKIPPING TO EPISODE 9. ALSO BECAUSE I'M A TERRIBLE WRITER.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER WANTED TO BE A WRITER.

OH NO.

I WANTED TO BECOME A FILM DIRECTOR.

MAKING FILMS, GETTING MONEY, SNORTING COKE OFF THE BACKS OF HOOKERS.

BUT NOOOOO.

I ENDED UP DOING THIS INSTEAD.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, WORLD.

I HOPE YOU'RE FUCKING HAPPY.}

END