(even if you aren't vegan)
Lex's Wikihood Redux Remake/eps/5
Contents
Summary
It's astounding.
Time is fleeting.
Madness takes its toll.
Transcript
Dark Ages
{Open to a viking ship, in the middle of the stormy sea. The crew is packed fully with Norsemen.}
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: By the gods, this is a mighty wind indeed! If Ægir spares us no mercy, we shall be thrown into the icy pits of Hel itself!
{Pan over to Noxigar, who's sitting on the stairway.}
NOXIGAR: Pfft, what if Hel melted? What would happen then?
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: Stop your foolishness! Hel shall never melt, as it is frozen over tenfold!
NORSEMAN IN THE CROWS' NEST: Chief! I see land, up ahead!
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: Right, then what are we waiting for? Row faster!
{The Norsemen who are rowing try to row a bit faster.}
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: Perhaps the gods have shown favour upon us, this day. We shall live to see another day.
NOXIGAR: What if I cross-dress? It could possibly please Loki, of all gods.
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: I fail to understand how dressing in woman's frock would please any god, let alone Loki.
NOXIGAR: Hmph. It would please me at least. I've always thought that I look rather nice in a dress.
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: We are saved, by Odin! Praise the gods!
{A procession of people walk along towards the Norsemen.}
HEAD PERSON: Hallo.
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: {to Noxigar} What did he say?
NOXIGAR: He was greeting you. I propose that you take him as your bride.
{Noxigar winks at Zharog, who cringes. Suddenly, a heavenly figure descends from the sky in a ray of black light. With closer inspection however, it's shown to be Sephiroth, dressed in the robes of Julius Caesar himself.}
NOXIGAR: Yo, Seph.
SEPHIROTH: Greetings, Norsemen! I hail from a different period of time altogether! I come from.. THE FUTURE!!!
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: What is this, that you speak of?
SEPHIROTH: Oh yes, I have come here to warn you all of your impending doom.. RAGNAROK!
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: R..Ragnarok?
SEPHIROTH: RAGNAROK.
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: If I am hearing you correctly, you said Ragnarok?
SEPHIROTH: YES, I SAID RAGNAROK. THE SKY WILL BLACKEN, AND YOU WILL ALL BE BROUGHT TO ETERNAL JUSTICE!
NOXIGAR: Seph, stop doing that! It's not cool to lie to people about things like that!
SEPHIROTH: But-..
NOXIGAR: No buts. We're leaving. Goodbye, Vikings. My apologies for my friend's behavior, there isn't a Ragnarok. Byeeeee.
{Noxigar grabs Sephiroth by the arm and they both teleport through time, leaving the Vikings behind.}
ZHAROG THE UNFORGIVING: He said Ragnarok.
{Fade out}
Medieval Times
{Fade in to a battlefield. Sephiroth is sitting at a tree, writing something down on a parchment. This particular incarnation of Sephiroth happens to be from this time, judging by his clothing.}
SIR SEPH: Another day, another poem. By the crown, I will become a legend.
{Present day Znex walks over to Sir Seph.}
ZNEX: Greetings, Sir Sephiroth knight! How goes the Poetryhood?
SIR SEPH: Rather well, Sirrah! I've already constructed a love song, do you wish to hear it?
ZNEX: Sure, why not?
SIR SEPH: Excellent. Let me begin. Ahem!
{Sir Seph stands up to recite his poem.}
SIR SEPH: She has a smile, that it seems to me, it reminds me of childhood memories.. Where everything yonder was as fresh as the bright blue sky. Now and then when I gaze upon her face, she takes me away to that special place.. And if I'd stare too long, I shall probably break down and cry... Oh my, Sweet Child of Mine.. Oh my, sweet love of mine.
ZNEX: I like it. Sounds.. familiar.
SIR SEPH: Really? Hmph! I cannot allow it then. It shall never catch on, anyway!
{Sir Seph rips the poem into pieces, while a man looking somewhat similar to Chaos walks onscreen.}
VINCENT: If you stopped wasting time with those stupid parchments and actually went into battle once in a while, you would get things done.
ZNEX: Yes, I noticed.. He's dedicated, isn't he? Anyway, I must be off! Got more times to visit!
{Znex attempts to escape, before Vincent grabs him by the collar and gives him a sword.}
VINCENT: Do not attempt to flee, my friend! There is plenty of blood for both of you to spill!
ZNEX: Oh, I'm not a knight! You have me mistaken!
VINCENT: Mistaken for a coward, perhaps?
ZNEX: Um... Yes. A coward. I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!
{Znex dashes away.}
VINCENT: If I was a bowman, I would shoot that man just for the pleasure of watching him bleed.
{Sephiroth runs in.}
SEPHIROTH: People of the past, I give you grave warning! I am the dark wizard.. SHEOGORATH, AND I AM HERE TO KILL YOU ALL!
VINCENT: Not on my watch, knave!
{Vincent lunges at Sephiroth, but Sephiroth pulled back by Znex, who has returned.}
ZNEX: What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you trying to incite a paradox?
SEPHIROTH: ...Maybe.
ZNEX: Ugh, you idiot. Noxigar was right, we really need to keep a watch on you. We're leaving.
{Sephiroth pulls out a pistol and holds it at Znex's head.}
SEPHIROTH: No way! You are not forcing me, like Noxigar did!
ZNEX: Feel free. Once you're done horsing around, I'll just erase you from history. In damnatio memoriae, they call it.
SEPHIROTH: Whoa, I was just joking around! I'll follow you, I swear!
ZNEX: Good. Come on.
{Znex opens up a time portal and goes through it. Sephiroth follows.}
VINCENT: What a pair of fools.
SIR SEPH: Indeed. Let's kill something.
VINCENT: Ha, best thing I've heard today.
{Sir Seph and Vincent walk off. Fade out.}
Elizabethan Times
{Fade in. Sephiroth is standing in the throne room, having a chat with Queen Elizabeth herself.}
SEPHIROTH: And that, your majesty... IS HOW I SLAYED THE DRAGON. In fact, I am regarded as a hero in many parts of the world.
QUEEN ELIZABETH: Ooh, so interesting! So daring and dashing as well! Say, Lord Sephiroth... Do you have a prezzie for me?
SEPHIROTH: Aha, of course, your majesty!
{Sephiroth pulls out an object that is wrapped with purple silk.}
QUEEN ELIZABETH: Purple silk? Ooh, I love purple silk!
SEPHIROTH: Oh, it's not the silk that's the present, it's what's underneath.
{Sephiroth grins at Queen Elizabeth and unwraps the present, revealing a golden orb that is encrusted with different types of jewels.}
QUEEN ELIZABETH: I love it! Yay!
{Lord Zoran IV walks in with Vincent.}
LORD ZORAN IV: Your majesty, someone's here to see you. He claims to be a traveller from distant lands.
QUEEN ELIZABETH: Another traveller? How dashing!
VINCENT: Heh, can't say that this is the first time that I've had a compliment like that, but it's all appreciated nonetheless. Yes, it is true! I have travelled to distant lands, fought in countless wars, and I have lived the lifetimes of many men! And your majesty, I have also brought you a present!
QUEEN ELIZABETH: The anticipation is killing me!
SEPHIROTH: {To Lord Zoran} Show-stealing bastard...
{Vincent pulls out a diamond blade, with a golden jewel-encrusted hilt.}
LORD ZORAN IV: Oh my, it is truly something to behold.
SEPHIROTH: Pfft, that's nothing!
QUEEN ELIZABETH: Oh?
VINCENT: Yes? What on god's earth can you offer her that is more exquisite than my present?
SEPHIROTH: Umm... THIS!
{Sephiroth pulls out a Nintendo DSi, and presents it to the Queen.}
QUEEN ELIZABETH: Interesting.. May I ask what it is made of?
SEPHIROTH: Your majesty, it's an original creation. The substance that is made of is called... Sephimaterial. I discovered it myself while I was trekking.
QUEEN ELIZABETH: It certainly is a magnificent thing to behold!
{Znex appears and destroys all of the plastic with a blast of his hand.}
ZNEX: Seph, this is going far enough. I'm not going to have you change my homeworld's history!
{Znex tries to grab Sephiroth by the wrist, but Sephiroth fights back by kicking him in the crotch and pointing a gun at his head.}
ZNEX: You're gonna do that again? Try it, bitch! I'll send you straight to hell, where you belong!
SEPHIROTH: Fucka, I ain't ever tried kicking an ass so hard, I'm gonna chew you up and spit you past 500 yards!
{Sephiroth fires at Znex's kneecaps. Znex, too enraged to feel pain, lunges at Sephiroth and throws him to the ground. In the scuffle, the gun misfires and hits Lord Zoran IV in the leg, who attempts to attack Sephiroth with the sword. Just as he's about to do it, both Sephiroth and Znex fade out.}
VINCENT: I really cannot comprehend how idiotic those two are.
VICTORIAN TIMES
{Open to the murky streets of Victorian London. Baron Sephiroth is walking with Lord Zoran XXII, looking around at all the shops.}
BARON SEPHIROTH: Oh my, it's rather depressing around here, is it not?
LORD ZORAN XXII: It's always depressing in London. Murders, diseases, poverty.. It's all a bloody shame. Say, have you ever been around Fleet Street?
BARON SEPHIROTH: Not recently, no. What's happening around those parts?
LORD ZORAN XXII: Mrs. Lovett's pies are astounding! You really must try them!
BARON SEPHIROTH: I'm not entirely a pie-man myself, to be perfectly honest. I've always been a fan of confectionery items, though. Sweets, and all that. I really cannot resist a good humbug once in a while.
LORD ZORAN XXII: Ah, in that case, you should try something from the Funtom Company. Their sweets are the best!
BARON SEPHIROTH: You really think that I am not aware of Funtom? Don't be foolish! There isn't a day where you don't see their name somewhere around here!
LORD ZORAN XXII: In any case, you should look out for Fagin. He trains children to pickpocket people.
BARON SEPHIROTH: Ahh.
{Pan over to a nearby alleyway, where Sephiroth and Chaos are evesdropping on the conversation.}
SEPHIROTH: Are they just going to carry on making references to fiction that takes place in this time period?
CHAOS: It appears so. Say.. you didn't end up trying one of the meat pies, did you?
SEPHIROTH: Once or twice, why?
CHAOS: ...They were made of people.
SEPHIROTH: What.
CHAOS: Oh yeah, totally. Mrs. Lovett's meat pies.. The meat being supplied by the barber, Sweeney Todd, who used to murder people and have their bodies made into pies to dispose of the evidence. Heh heh..
{Sephiroth runs off to throw up as Chaos bursts into laughter. Fade out.}
WWII
1960s
{Open to an ambiguously British/American city in the 1960s. Sephiroth is in a record store, observing the new records.}
SEPHIROTH: Pink Floyd, seriously? Pfft. It will never catch on! The whole band will sink faster than a lead zeppelin!
{Sephiroth scrolls other to another section in the store and picks up another record.}
SEPHIROTH: The Pyramids, however? Man, they'll go far. Much further than "Pink Floyd". Heh.
{A hippie walks up to Sephiroth.}
ZHECKS: What are you talking about, man? Pink Floyd will be a success! People said the same thing about Bob Dylan, you know.
SEPHIROTH: Bob Dylan, are you mad? How can anybody like that preachy nonsense? If I wanted to hear something that sounded like a choir of bees promoting tolerance, I'd take up acid!
ZHECKS: Whoa, you did not just insult Bob Dylan!
SEPHIROTH: Yes I-... What is that godawful smell?
ZHECKS: Eh?
SEPHIROTH: Yeah.. It's lingering, like the essence of booze, sweat, and weed. Oh god, it's you!
ZHECKS: Hey, I take offence to that! Just because I do all that, doesn't mean I stink! I've got the right mind to pound your face in for saying that!
SEPHIROTH: Heh, so much for peace and tolerance, eh? You hippies are all the bloody same, damn it! Draft dodgers and penny pinchers!
ZHECKS: That's it, man! I'm gonna pound you!
{Zhecks grabs Sephiroth by the neck and attempts to strange him, but Sephiroth sprays a can of mace at his eyes.}
ZHECKS: OH CHRIST, IT HURTS!
{Two policemen come up from behind Sephiroth and grab him.}
POLICEMAN: I'm afraid we're gonna have to arrest you for disturbing the peace.
SEPHIROTH: But, he star-.. OH FUCK IT.
{Sephiroth punches one of the policemen in the gut and runs out of the record store. This chain of events causes all of the nearby Policemen to chase him. This goes on for a little while until he is knocked over by a car. The policemen all surround him, with their guns pointed at him.}
SEPHIROTH: Well, well, well, well. If it isn't the entire fat, stinking pigdog police force, in poison. How art thou, thy globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip-oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if you have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!
{The policemen open fire, killing Sephiroth. A nearby portal opens up, and Znex walks through. He observes the carnage around him, and then looks down at Sephiroth's dead body.}
ZNEX: Ugh.. Seriously? He actually went and got himself killed this time.
{Znex facepalms, then stops time. He walks over to Sephiroth's corpse, and picks it up.}
ZNEX: Seph, you idiot. Macing my grandfather was bad enough, but quoting Clockwork Orange to an entire police squad? Come on, man. Oh well.. Turning back time... NOW.
{Everything that just happened happens speeded up backwards, until we reach the bit where Sephiroth maces Zhecks. Znex appears and grabs Sephiroth before the policemen do.}
SEPHIROTH: Hey! What gives?
ZNEX: I'm saving your life, that's what gives! Now come on!
{Before Sephiroth can struggle, Znex has already opened another portal out of the timeline. He pushes Sephiroth in and jumps after him, but not after grabbing a couple of nearby Beatles albums. Fade out}
Wikihood House
{Open back to present day. The gang are all in the living room. Sephiroth is now tied up and gagged, and is being used as a footrest for Vindicator and Count X.}
COUNT X: So, how was your trip? You know, TO THE PAST!
ZNEX: Rather sucky, actually. We couldn't go anywhere without Sephiroth screwing something up somehow.
CHAOS: Heh, I don't know why you made such a huge effort to keep him alive.
ZNEX: Well, I couldn't just leave him to die now, could I?
CHAOS: No, that's not what I mean! You don't know it, do you? Nothing really rang a bell?
ZNEX: Eh?
CHAOS: Not even the fact that he happened to be alive in every time period? Come on, work it out!
ZNEX: I just assumed that they were his ancestors. Are you trying to imply that he's not human?
CHAOS: Bingo. He's a Sharothian.
{Sephiroth tries to say something, but can't, due to the duct tape.}
ZNEX: Oops, sorry.
{Znex rips the tape off of Sephiroth's mouth.}
SEPHIROTH: That's right! I'm part of an alien race that's essentially immortal. We regenerate ourselves, you see?
NOXIGAR: A race of aliens who rebirth by regeneration? I remember seeing a show like that before! ARE YOU A TIME LORD?
SEPHIROTH: What? No!
{Noxigar is visibly disappointed by this fact.}
NOXIGAR: O-oh..
VINDICATOR: Pfft, I was immortal before it was cool! You're all just posers, damn it!
CHAOS: Hey, is this episode even canon?
NOXIGAR: Nope. IT NEVER WILL BE CANON.
CHAOS: So, you don't mind if I end it, correct?
SEPHIROTH: Nah, I'm fine with it.
CHAOS: Good. This never happened, alright? Never to mentioned ever again.
{Chaos breaks through the fourth wall and sets the entire episode on fire.}
THE END
